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A    NEVADA 


BY 


FEED.    H.    HAET, 


EDITOR  OF  THE  AUSTIN  "REVEILLE?1  STATE  OF  NEVADA. 


Staging  aint  what  it  used  to  be." 


E 


DITION. 


\ 


BOSTON  : 
LEE  &  SHEPARD. 


SAN   FRANCISCO  : 

Published  by 
SAMUEL     CARSON,  NEW  YORK  : 

C.  T.  DILLINGHAM. 

BACON  it  (' 


Heady  January  1st,  1881,  a  New  Edition  of 

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THE 


SAZERAC  LYING  CLUB. 


A    NEVADA    BOOK, 


BY 


EDITOR  OF  THE  AUSTIN  "REVEILLE?  STATE  OF  NEVADA. 


Staging  aint  what  it  used  to  be." 


FIFTH    E 


IFTH      tS/DITION. 


BOSTON  : 
LEE  &  SHEPARD. 


SAN  FRANCISCO  : 

Published  by 

SAMUEL     CARSON,  NEW  YORK: 

120  Sutter  Street.  C.  T.  DILLINGHAM. 


COPYRIGHT,  1878. 

BY  HENRY  KELLER  6*  Co. 


Some  books  are  lies  frae  end  to  end, 
And  some  great  lies  were  never  penn'd. 
E'en  ministers,  they  ha'e  been  kenn'd 

In  holy  rapture, 
A  rousing  whid,  at  times,  to  vend, 

And  nail't  wi'  Scripture. 

BURNS. 


DEDICATION. 


To   each   and   every  person    who   may  purchase 

it,  and   pay   cash   for  it,  this   volume   is 

respectfully   dedicated,  by 

THE  AUTHOR 


INTRODUCTORY, 


LIKE  othei  arts  and  sciences,  keeps  pace 
with  our  education,  refinement,  and  culture, 
P,  and  is  fast  becoming  familiarized  to  the  Amer- 
ican people.  Though  I  have  classed  it  with  the 
arts  and  sciences,  and  although  there  is  something  artistic  in  the  construc- 
tion of  a  good  lie,  and  notwithstanding  that  a  good,  square,  solid  lie  is  a 
scientific  triumph,  still,  I  am  of  the  opinion  that  lying  should  more  properly 
be  considered  as  an  accomplishment.  A  "gentlemanly  accomplishment," 
it  was  once  designated  by  a  Nevada  newspaper.  And  yet,  I  have  seen 
men  who  possessed  the  accomplishment  in  the  highest  degree  of  perfection, 
and  still  were  not  gentlemen.  That,  however,  does  not  prove  or  premise 
that  gentlemen  cannot  lie. 

In  the  days  of  the  Father  of  his  Country — if  we  are  to  believe  a  little 
story  about  an  adventure  he  is  said  to  have  had  in  connection  with  a 
cherry  tree,  and  which  story  is  still  extant — lying  was  looked  upon  as 
wrong.  But  that  was  before  the  time  of  the  steam-engine,  the  electric 
telegraph,  daily  newspapers,  stocks  and  stock-brokers,  and  other  modern 
improvements.  To-day,  to  lie,  and  lie  well,  is  meritorious,  and  besides, 
there's  money  in  it,  which  of  itself  is  sufficient  to  make  it  commendable. 
I  am  personally  acquainted  with  some  of  the  most  prominent  citizens  of 
the  Pacific  Coast,  who  have  made  colossal  fortunes  simply  by  lying,  or — to 
speak  with  gloved  words — by  doctoring  the  truth  about  stocks  and  mines; 
and  those  men  are  respected  and  looked  up  to,  courted  and  flattered,  called 
smart,  and  good  business  men,  when  the  unadorned  English  of  it  is  that 
they  are  only  good  liars,  and  have  made  their  lying  pay. 

T71 


8  INTJt  OD  UCTOR  T. 

It  is  hardly  worth  while  to  say  anything  about  political  liars,  because 
every  one  knows  that  lying  is  part  of  a  politician's  trade,  and  will  continue 
to  be,  in  spite  of  the  Scriptures,  earthquakes,  and  Civil  Service  Reform,  as 
long  as  politicians  are  human.  There  may  be  politicians  who  cannot  lie 
by  word  of  mouth,  but  they  lie  in  the  silent  tomb.  In  other  words,  the 
race  of  truthful  politicians  is  extinct;  or  if  there  are  still  living  men  who 
will  not  or  cannot  lie  to  get  office,  it  is  because  they  are  not  office-seekers. 

This  purports  to  be  a  book  on  lies  and  lying,  but  it  does  not  treat  of  the 
lies  of  politicians,  stock-brokers,  newspaper  men,  authors,  and  others,  who 
lie  for  money;  neither  does  it  touch  on  the  untruths  of  scandal,  mischief, 
or  malice,  but  only  on  those  lies  which  amuse,  instruct  and  elevate,  with- 
out harm.  It  is  a  record  of  lies  told  in  a  club  known  as  the  Sazerac 
Lying  Club,  whose  objects,  as  its  name  implies,  are  lying.  A  chapter  is 
devoted  to  the  rise,  progress,  and  history  of  this  club,  interspersed  with 
these  lies.  The  book  contains  a  number  of  sketches  of  odd  characters  in 
Nevada,  and  local  narratives  of  life  in  Austin,  written  by  the  Author,  and 
published  from  time  to  time  in  the  columns  of  the  AUSTIN  REVEILLE,  of 
which  paper  the  writer  has  for  several  years  been  editor,  and  which  have 
been  clipped  from  the  files  of  that  journal,  and  made  to  do  service  in  pad- 
ding out  this  book  to  a  sellable  size. 

The  book  has  been  compiled  and  prepared  in  the  intervals  of  daily 
editorial  labor,  and  no  claim  of  literary  merit  is  made  for  it.  The  major- 
ity of  the  clipped  sketches  have  been  widely  copied  by  the  press,  which 
circumstance  has  had  weight  in  causing  him  to  believe  that  they  possess 
some  little  merit  in  a  humorous  sense ;  but  of  that,  as  well  as  the  other 
material  herein  contained,  which  has  never  before  appeared  in  print,  the 
reader  must  be  the  judge.  This  is  not  a  "  no  cure  no  pay "  book,  and 
booksellers  are  instructed,  under  no  circumstances,  to  return  money  to  per 
sons  who  pronounce  it  a  fraud.  If  his  wishes  in  this  matter  are  strictly 
carried  into  effect,  the  bookseller  will  at  once  proceed  to  bounce  the 
dissatisfied  customer,  and  reason  with  him  to  the  fullest  extent  of  his 
muscular  ability.  All  of  which  is  respectfully  submitted  by 

THE 


fart  I. 


of  the 


Club. 


In  the  year  1873,  I  was  employed  in  an  editorial  capacity  on  r\ 
small  daily  paper,  the  "REESE  RIVER  REVEILLE,"  published  in  the  town  of 
Austin,  State  of  Nevada.  This  was  a  sort  of  general  utility  position,  com- 
prising all  the  branches  of  interior  journalism,  from  writing  an  advertise- 
ment about  a  lost  dog  up  to  heavy  dissertations  on  leading  topics.  But  tlici 
main  object  was  to  get  items  of  local  news. 

Austin  is  a  small,  interior  mining  town,  ninety  miles,  by  a  rough  road, 
from  the  Central  Pacific  Railroad,  having  its  communication  with  the 
outer  world  carried  on  by  means  of  mud-wagons,  called  by  courtesy  stages  ; 
and,  it  can  readily  be  conceived,  a  quiet  place,  in  which  anything  of  a  start- 
ling nature  in  the  line  of  news  seldom  transpires. 

There  was  no  difficulty  about  the  leaders  or  other  editorial  matter  ; 
a  pair  of  sharp  shears,  a  raid  on  the  exchanges,  and  texts  from  the  tele- 
graphic news  daily  supplied  to  the  paper,  would  readily  furnish  them  ;  but 
to  make  up  respectable  local  columns  was  a  constant  strain  on  the  mental 
capacity  and  legs  of  the  writer,  and  he  had  almost  said,  "  on  the  imagin- 
ation," but  a  strict  moral  training  in  early  life,  etc.,  caused  him  to  con- 
fine himself  strictly  to  facts. 


The   First   President. 

Situated  on  the  main  street  of  the  town  is  a  drinking  saloon,  bearing 
the  sign  of  "The  Sazerac,"  after  the  famous  brand  of  brandy  of  that 
name.  This  saloon  was  the  resort  of  a  number  of  choice  spirits  other 
than  those  kept  behind  the  bar  —  old  forty-niners  and  California  pioneers 
for  the  most  part  —  who  during  the  long  winter  evenings  sat  around  the 
stove,  smoked  their  pipes,  fired  tobacco  juice  at  a  mark  on  the  stovepipe, 
and  swapped  lies  and  other  reminiscences.  I  had  long  had  my  eye  on  the 
place  as  one  liable  at  any  time  to  pan  out  the  text  for  a  local,  and  would 
drop  in  there  nearly  every  evening  and  listen  to  the  conversation,  in  the 

[9] 


10  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

hope  of  picking  up  from  it  the  hoped-for  item ;  but  the  stories  were  gen- 
erally so  outrageously  devoid  of  all  semblance  of  truth  or  appearance  ol 
probability  that,  as  a  consistent  journalist,  whose  mission  and  duty  it  was 
to  present  the  public  with  cold,  bald-faced  facts,  I  was  unable  to  reconcile 
my  conscience  to  the  "  writing  up  "  and  publication  of  the  yarns.  On  one 
of  these  visits  I  found  the  old  crowd  in  the  saloon,  sitting  around  the 
stove  as  usual,  but  the  orator  of  the  evening  was  a  new  man — one  well 
known  in  the  town,  although  this  was  his  first  appearance  at  the  re-unions. 

He  was  sitting  in  front  of  the  fire,  in  an  arm-chair  tilted  back,  and 
the  heels  of  his  boots  resting  on  the  top  of  the  stove,  his  feet  shutting  en- 
tirely from  view  two-thirds  of  the  company.  One  of  the  most  remark- 
able things  about  this  man,  next  to  his  legs  of  course,  was  his  feet.  They 
were  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made,  and  their  owner  had  repeatedly 
refused  liberal  offers  for  their  use  as  battery  stamps  in  a  quartz  mill ;  but 
had  on  one  occasion  consented  for  a  valuable  consideration  to  stand  during 
a  fire  on  the  top  of  three  cases  of  dry  goods  to  protect  them  from  damage 
by  water.  Of  his  legs  I  will  speak  hereafter. 

Mr.  George  Washington  Fibley,  which  is  not  his  true  name,  but  by 
which  I  designate  him,  through  dread  of  the  law  of  libel,  was  telling  the 
assemblage  a  yarn  about  a  pile  of  silver  bars  he  had  seen  in  one  of  the 
Pacific  Mexican  ports.  It  appears  that  before  my  entrance  the  discussion 
was  concerning  silver  bullion,  and  Mr.  Fibley — to  use  the  language  of  one 
of  the  gentlemen  present — was  "jest  raisin' the  rest  of  'em  out  of  their 
boots."  His  story  was  evidently  an  outrageous  exaggeration — there  could 
be  no  doubt  of  that ;  for  all  the  silver  ever  produced  by  the  famed 
bonanzas  of  the  Comstock,  if  heaped  up,  would  not  make  a  pile  seven 
miles  long,  forty  feet  high,  and  thirteen  feet  wide,  and  it  was  in  the 
neighborhood  of  these  figures  that  Mr.  Fibley  placed  the  dimensions  of 
the  stack  of  silver  he  was  describing.  The  story  did  not  impress  me  at 
the  time  as  being  worthy  of  publication  as  a  local  item ;  and  I  went  out 
of  the  saloon,  thinking  what  a  magnificent  liar  this  man  was,  how  he  had 
mistaken  his  vocation,and  what  a  splendid  journalist  that  elastic  and  tow- 
ering imagination  might  make  of  him. 

The  next  day  was  fearfully  stormy — such  a  storm  of  snow  and  wind 
as  is  only  seen  in  the  mountains — and  "  local "  was  as  scarce  as  honest 
savings  bank  presidents.  I  was  almost  in  despair  about  filling  the  local 
columns,  and  mechanically  went  to  the  door,  opened  it,  and  looked  out  into 
the  storm  for  inspiration.  The  street  was  deserted,  all  was  bleak  and 
blank,  and  I  was  on  the  point  of  going  back  into  my  sanctum  to  meditate 
on  the  most  painless  method  of  death  by  suicide,  when  the  narrator  of  the 
preceding  evening  crossed  the  street. 

Just  then  the  office  devil  howled  "  copy  !  " 

I  seized  pencil  and  paper,  and  the  following  was  the  result : 


ORIGIN  OF  THE  SAZERAC  LYING  CLUB. 


11 


•*  ELECTED  PRESIDENT. — The  Sazerac  Lying  Club  was  organized  last 
night,  our  esteemed,  prominent,  and  respected  fellow-citizen,  Mr.  George 
Washington  Fibley,  being  unanimously  chosen  president  of  the  organiza- 
tion. There  was  no  opposing  candidate ;  his  claims  and  entire  fitness  for 
the  honorable  position  being  conceded  by  common  consent  of  the  Club." 

The  above  appeared  in  the  paper  that  evening,  and  created  consider, 
able  amusement,  not  only  among  the  Sazerac  frequenters,  but  for  all  those 
who  knew  the  subject  of  the  item. 

There  was  trouble 
next  day.  Mr.  Fib- 
ley  read  the  para- 
graph about  his  ele- 
vation to  the  Presi- 
dency of  the  Club, 
and  was  exceedingly 
wroth;  and  in  the 
course  of  the  after- 
noon he  rushed  into 
the  sanctum  to  de- 
mand an  apology, 
or  a  retraction,  or 

some  similar  f  oolish- 

__  "He  who  steals  iny  purse,  steals  trash." 

ness.   Happening  to 

look  through  a  window,  I  could  see  him  coming.  He  had  ridiculously 
long  legs,  and  walked  with  a  cane  and  an  extraordinarily  long  stride, 
which  increased  when  he  was  angry  in  proportion  as  his  indignation 
grew;  and  when  he  was  real,  downright  mad,  as  on  this  occasion,  they 
seemed  to  stretch  the  width  of  an  average  street  at  every  step.  At  such 
a  time  he  appeared  to  be  nothing  but  legs  and  head — as  if  an  effort 
had  been  made  to  split  his  body  in  two,  and  had  failed  through  the 
cutting  instrument  striking  an  obstruction  at  his  chin.  He  was  mad  this 
time,  sure  enough ;  I  could  tell  it  by  his  walk ;  and  as  he  entered  the 
office  door  there  was  blood  in  his  eye  and  rage  in  his  face.  In  his  right 
hand  he  held  a  roll  of  manuscript  of  nearly  the  diameter  of  a  stove-drumv 
and  his  cane  was  raised  threateningly  on  high.  My  eyes  were  fixed  prin- 
cipally on  the  cane ;  but  as  he  strode  into  the  door-way  he  thrust  the 
manuscript  at  me,  and  exclaimed : 

"  He  who  steals  my  purse,  steals  trash  ! " 

"  Stop !  stop !  Mr.  Fibley,"  I  interrupted,  thankful  that  hostilities 
had  opened  in  so  mild  a  form.  "  Never  mind  your  purse,  nor  your  good 
name,  nor  that  communication  in  your  hand.  It  was  all  a  mistake.  I  will 
apologize." 

"See  that  you  do,  sir,  and  amply,  or  by  Jehosaphat — "  and  then  he 
tucked  his  roll  of  paper  under  his  arm,  and  without  another  word  walked 


12  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

out,  but  looking  back  as  he  closed  the  door,  and  giving  his  legsr  body,  and 
paper  a  threatening  shake  more  emphatic  than  speech. 

I  had  promised  to  apologize.  Writing  an  apology  is  not  a  pleasant 
task  for  an  editor.  His  soul  revolts  at  it.  When  one  has  said  that  the 
minister  ran  away  with  the  deacon's  wife,  and  it  turns  out  that  it  was  not 
the  deacon's  wife,  but  the  deacon's  wife's  mother  who  accompanied  the 
minister  in  his  flight,  it  is  rough  to  be  compelled  to  apologize  to  the  old 
lady  on  her  return — not  that  ministers  ever  run  away  with  deacons'  wives' 
mothers,  but  just  to  suppose  a  case,  for  the  sake  of  illustration.  When 
you  have  written  up  a  public  ball,  and  said  that  "  Mrs.  Smithers,  wife  of 
our  respected  fellow-citizen,  Hon.  Thomas  Jefferson  Smithers,  who  did  him- 
self and  the  county  so  much  credit  in  the  Legislature  eleven  years  ago, 
was  charmingly  dressed  in  green  tarletan,  and  had  her  hair  in  curls," 
when  the  fact  of  the  case  is  that  she  looked  like  the  last  rose  of  summer, 
and  was  dressed  in  a  yellow  silk,  and  had  her  hair  done  up  in  a  wad  on 
top  of  her  head,  it  is  mortifying  to  the  editorial  heart  to  have  to  take  back 
the  green  tarletan  and  curls  in  the  next  issue  of  the  paper.  These,  how- 
ever, are  but  chips  of  the  cross  a  country  editor  has  to  bear. 

But  I  had  said  that  I  would  atone  in  the  REVEILLE  for  the  slight  cast 
upon  Mr.  Fibley's  fair  fame,  and  it  had  to  be  done.  I  did  it,  and  the  re- 
traction, verbatim,  et  literatim,  read  as  follows : 

"APOLOGETIC. — An  apology  is  due  from  the  REVEILLE  to  Mr.  George 
Washington  Fibley.  We  said  in  yesterday's  issue  that  he  was  elected 
President  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club.  This  was  an  error :  he  was  de- 
feated." 

Mr.  Fibley  was  satisfied,  his  ruffled  feelings  modified,  and  from  that 
time  forward  we  were  the  best  of  friends. 


Ifart  H. 

UNCLE  JOHN, 


"Uncle  John"  Gibbons  is  a  stage-driver,  and  a  perfect  type  of  his 
class.  He  belongs  to  an  order  of  men  rapidly  passing  away,  and  who 
now  number  but  few.  Uncle  John  drove  stage  in  "York  State  "  when  he 
was  a  boy — a  great  many  years  ago,  and  before  that  State  was  gridironed 
by  railroads ;  and  he  has  driven  stage,  as  a  natural  profession,  ever  since. 
He  immigrated  to  California  in  its  early  and  golden  days,  a  young  man, 

b  u  t  a 
first- 
class 
stage- 
d  river. 
In those 
time  s 

he 

drove 

for    the     California    Stage 
Company,  the  great  monop- 
oly which   then  controlled 
the  land  travel  of  California 
as   completely   as  the    Central   Pacific 
Railroad  Company  does   now.     When 
the   Washoe  silver  mining  excitement 
broke    out,   and    the    Pioneer   line    of 
stages  from  Sacramento  to  Virginia  City  was  put 
on,   Uncle    John   was     the  first  driver  on   one   of 
the  mountain  routes,  driving  six  horses  and  a  Con- 
cord passenger  coach  across  the  Sierra  Nevada. 

"  Staging  was  staging  in  those  days,"  and  such 
staging  is  known  no  more  on  the  Pacific  Coast.  A  broad  grade  over  the 
steep  and  precipitous  mountains — a  marvel  of  engineering  skill — from 

I  13] 


14  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

whence  the  traveler  looked  dizzily  down  thousands  of  feet  into  the  lit- 
tle valleys  set  in  the  heart  of  the  Sierras,  or  gazed  at  the  bottom  of 
some  dark,  deep  cafion,  with  a  foaming  torrent,  roaring,  flashing,  rush- 
ing on  its  course,  the  coach,  meanwhile,  rattling  along  the  grade  at  the 
highest  speed  of  six  big  American  horses,  the  wheels  at  times  appear- 
ing to  the  passengers  as  if  running  on  the  very  verge  of  destruction, 
and  as  if  but  a  fraction  of  an  inch  nearer  and  the  edge  would  crum- 
ble away  beneath  the  weight  and  hurl  the  coach  and  its  load  of  human- 
ity crashing  into  the  depths  below.  Freighting,  in  those  days,  was 
done  by  means  of  wagons,  popularly  known  as  "prairie  schooners." 
These  consisted  of  one  immense  forward  wagon  with  towering  sides,  fol- 
lowed by  from  two  to  four  "back-actions,"  or  other  smaller  vehicles — 
if  they  can  be  so  called — attached  like  cars  to  a  steam-engine.  The  loco- 
motives of  these  trains  were  teams  of  from  twelve  to  twenty  mules,  every 
mule's  harness  being  provided  with  an  iron  bow  set  over  the  animal's 
shoulders,  on  which  was  fastened  a  chime  of  sweet-toned  bells.  The  road 
was  at  all  times  crowded  with  these  teams,  and  passing  them  was  one  of 
the  greatest  dangers  encountered  by  the  mail-stage.  The  teamsters  were 
as  accommodating  as  it  was  in  their  power  to  be,  and  even  those  members 
of  the  fraternity  who  were  not  naturally  of  an  obliging  disposition  were 
always  willing  to  do  their  utmost  to  let  the  stage  pass,  being  influenced 
by  a  popular  superstition  that  "everything  must  make  way  for  the  mail," 
under  severest  penalties  of  the  law.  The  coaches  ran  day  and  night,  with 
changes  every  eight  or  ten  miles,  the  harnessing  and  unharnessing  being 
done  with  an  astonishing  celerity,  so  that  the  stage  might  run  on  time  and 
the  all-important  United  States  Mail  suffer  no  delay.  Notwithstanding 
the  dangers  which  beset  the  stage,  but  few  accidents  occurred  on  the  Pi- 
oneer Line  during  its  existence ;  though  many  a  timid  traveler  has  been 
frightened  out  of  a  year's  growth  by  the  crack  of  the  driver's  whip  as  he 
sent  his  team  spinning,  at  what  seemed  a  reckless,  break-neck  pace,  down 
some  steep  grade,  while  to  the  passenger  peering  over  the  side  next  to 
the  brink,  it  looked  as  if  the  wheels  were  running  in  dangerous  proximity 
to  nothingness. 

When  Uncle  John  had  one  of  these  passengers  riding  on  the  box 
with  him,  and  the  timid  one  clutched  nervously  at  the  railing  of  the  seat, 
or  otherwise  displayed  signs  of  fear,  he  would  reassure  him  by  saying : 

"  Don't  be  scar't ;  the  Pioneer  Company's  rich  and  responsible,  and 
if  you  git  killed  they'll  pay  you  all  you're  worth,  without  buckin'  or 
sweatin'  a  ha'r " ;  and  he  would  crack  his  whip  with  an  emphasis  that 
sounded  doubly  l«ud  in  the  clear,  still  air. 

A  more  kind-hearted  set  of  men  than  these  stage-drivers  never  lived. 
Ready  at  any  minute,  on  a  freezing  night,  to  surrender  wraps  sorely 
needed  by  themselves  to  any  woman  who  complained  of  cold — fatherly,  po- 
lite, and  carefully  attentive  to  ladies  in  their  charge  (though  sometimes 
gruff  and  coarse  to  male  passengers  who  had  not  experience  or  policy 


"UNCLE  JOHN."  15 

enough  to  get  on  their  blind  side) — watchful  of  the  lives  entrusted  to  their 
skill  and  steady  nerve — apparently  reckless,  but  in  reality  vigilant  with 
hand,  ear,  and  eye — they  composed  a  class  as  distinct  in  itself  from  other 
men  as  the  Caucasian  is  from  the  Mongolian.  Hundreds  of  stories  are  ex- 
tant of  their  wit,  their  bravery,  their  skill,  and  their  kindness — but  this 
book  purports  to  be  a  chronicle  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club,  and  must  not  be 
diverted  from  its  object  to  the  relation  of  stage-drivers'  yarns,  however 
interesting.  It  has  a  higher  mission  and  a  nobler  purpose. 

The  building  of  the  Pacific  Railroad  drove  the  Pioneer  Stage  Line 
out  of  existence,  and  as  the  railroad  and  its  concomitant  civilization  ad- 
vanced, Uncle  John  receded.  He  first  went  on  the  "  Overland,"  the  stage 
route  across  the  continent ;  but  the  railroad,  in  its  eastern  course,  running 
parallel  with  its  line  of  travel,  varying  from  twenty  to  one  hundred  miles 
north,  kept  pushing  Uncle  John  further  and  further  from  its  track,  and 
when  at  last  the  final  spike  was  driven  in  Utah,  and  the  Overland  Mail 
was  no  more,  Uncle  John  betook  himself  to  the  mountains,  where  stages 
were  still  the  only  mode  of  travel,  and  where  there  was  little  likelihood 
of  the  innovating  railroad  penetrating  during  the  rest  of  the  old  stage- 
driver's  lifetime. 

For  several  years  past,  Uncle  John  has  "  drove  stage  "  from  Austin 
to  Belmont,  a  mining  camp  some  ninety  miles  to  the  southward.  Every 
day  of  his  life — except  when  laid  up  with  the  rheumatism,  which  period- 
ically attacks  him — Uncle  John  is  on  the  box,  starting  at  daylight  in  sum- 
mer and  completing  his  task  in  the  evening ;  but  in  winter,  frequently  not 
reaching  his  destination  till  midnight,  or  even  daylight  next  morning. 
In  summer,  over  the  hot  alkali  deserts  and  parched  mountain  ranges;  in 
winter,  through  cold  and  ice  and  snow  and  wind  such  as  constitute  the 
almost  arctic  severity  of  that  season  in  the  mountains,  Uncle  John  is  ever 
at  his  post,  calmly  fulfilling  the  destiny  which  made  him  a  stage-driver, 
and  which  will  keep  him  one  till  Death  puts  on  the  brakes  and  he  "  pulls 
up"  at  the  "Home  Station"  at  the  end  of  his  life's  "route."  He  never 
leaves  his  box,  except  when  rheumatism  knocks  him.  Then  he  wraps  his 
feet  in  barley  sacks,  gets  him  a  cane,  pulls  his  broad-brimmed  hat  down 
over  his  eyes,  takes  his  place  at  the  stove,  and  joins  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club. 
The  most  widely  circulated  lie  ever  told  in  the  Club  was  related  by 
Uncle  John,  and  was  one  of  the  first  Sazerac  lies  ever  recorded  in  print. 
It  appeared  in  the  REVEILLE  as  follows  : 


Uncle   John   and  the   Sage-Hens. 

When  it  came  his  turn  at  the  regular  called  session  of  the  Sazerac 
Lying  Club  last  night,  Uncle  John  Gibbons  stated  the  circumstances  that 
caused  the  detention  of  the  Belmont  and  Austin  stage  the  other  day.  He 


16  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

said  that  while  crossing  Smoky  Valley,  a  short  distance  this  side  of  the 
salt-marsh,  he  observed  what  he  at  first  supposed  to  be  a  heavy  bank  of 
dark  clouds  descended  on  the  valley.  [A  phenomenon  by  no  means  un- 
usual in  this  section,  and  termed  by  the  Shoshone  Indians  "  Pogonip."] 
As  the  stage  approached  nearer  to  the  object,  however,  he  became  con- 
vinced that  the  mass  was  composed  of  living  creatures.  From  here  we 
will  tell  the  story  in  his  own  words : 

"  The  team  was  gittin'  kind  of  scary,  but  I  held  'em  level,  and  as  I 
kept  gittin'  nearer  I  saw  the  thing  warn't  nothin'  but  a  flock  of  sage-hen  ; 
so  I  jest  threw  the  silk  at  the  leaders,  and  yelled  fire  and  brimstone  to  the 
wheelers,  calk'iatin'  to  slash  the  team  squar'  through  the  flock  without  any 
trouble.  But,  boys,  thar'  was  more  sage-hen  obstructin'  of  that  road  than 
I  had  reckoned  on ;  and  when  them  thar  leaders  struck  into  them  thar 
sage-hen  they  was  thro  wed  back  on  their  ha'nches  jest  as  if  they  had 
butted  clean  up  ag'in  a  stun'  wall.  As  far's  you  could  see  there  warn't 
nothin'  but  sage-hen  ;  you  could  about  see  the  top  of  the  pile  of  'em ;  but 
there  was  no  more  estimatin'  how  thick  it  was  through  than  estimatin'  how 
old  a  hoss  is  by  twistin'  its  tail.  Thar  I  was  banked  up  by  a  lot  of  insig- 
nificant sage-hen,  and  the  United  States  mail  detained  in  the  big  road  by 
feathers — as  you  might  remark.  Wai,  to  make  a  long  story  short,  I  un- 
hitched one  of  the  wheelers  and  straddled  him  and  rode  back  to  the  sta- 
tion for  help. 

"  Thar  was  a  feller  from  town  doin'  some  prospectin'  on  one  of  the  hills 
near  the  station,  and  when  I  got  to  the  house  this  here  prospector  was 
sittin'  by  the  fire,  hevin'  come  down  to  borrow  some  matches.  I  stated 
the  situation  in  a  hurry,  and  the  hostler  and  the  cook  they  saddled  up  some 
of  the  stage  stock  and  got  a  couple  of  axes,  intendin'  to  go  back  with  me 
and  chop  a  road  through  the  sage-hen.  But  this  here  prospector  he  spoke 
up  and  says  he  : 

"  '  See  here,  boys,'  says  he,  '  don't  you  think  we  could  blast  'envout 
quicker'n  we  could  chop  through  em  ? ' 

"  And  the  hostler  and  the  cook  spoke  up  and  said  they  thought  so,  too. 

"  And  then  this  here  prospector  he  went  up  on  the  hill  and  got  his  drills 
and  his  sledges  and  a  lot  of  giant-powder  cartridges  and  some  fuse,  and 
the  rest  of  the  blastin'  apparatus,  and  then  the  whole  raft  of  us  started 
back  for  the  place  where  the  stage  was ;  and  when  we  got  thar — well  I 
wish  I  may  be  runned  over  by  a  two-horse  jerk-water  if  there  was  a  sage- 
hen  in  sight  as  far's  a  man  could  see  with  a  spy-glass. 

"  I  hope  you  fellers  is  contented  now  you  know  what  kept  the  stage 
late  the  other  night." 

The  above  lie  was  copied  first  in  one  paper  and  then  in  another,  till  it 
finally  crossed  the  Atlantic  and  reached  Germany,  and  a  German  paper 
getting  hold  of  it  put  it  into  the  language  of  its  readers  in  print.  The 


"UNCLE  JOHN-  ir 

name  of  this  paper  was  the  Carlsrhuer  Zeitung^  and  it  set  forth  the  case  as- 
follows  : 

3n  $(uftin,  -fteDaba,  -ftorbamerifa,  beftdjt  ein  SSerein,  beffen  glued  e§  ift, 
gegenfettig  Sitgen  au§5utaufd)en.  ^erfelbe  ftetjt  unter  9legterung»*3c!ju&  unb 
ba3  $erein^9ftitgtieb,  JoeldjeS  bie  befte  unb  unoerniinftigfte  Siigc  §u  erjaf)len 
Dermag,  ttnrb  mit  einem  golbenen  Sftebaifton  im  SSertlje  Don  50,000  S^aleru 
befdjenft. 

SDie  ®efdjen!e  toerben  jafjrttcfj  Don  einer  (Sommiffton,  ernannt  Dotn  (Statt* 
falter  ju  SBofton,  toefdje  ifjre  tmmernmfjrenbe  (Stfcmtg  tit  ber  93unbe3f)auptftabt 
D^etD^or!  ab^alt,  gentad^t. 

S)ie  Siige,  toel^e  b.  3.  ba§  spramtum  er^iett,  mitrbe  Don  2ft(erft>e(t^$etter, 
^errrt  go§n  ^tbbon§,  er^a^It.  @r  fagte,  tod^reitb  er  unlangft  mit  ber  ^oft* 
^ai(e  baS  §Rciudjertf)at  freujte,  flogen  eine  §eerbe  ®dnfe  auf,  fo  §a[j(retd),  ba§ 
fie  ben  33eg  Woiftrten  unb  fogar  ba§  Xage§(ict)t  Dcrbunfeltcn;  uin  nun  bie 
SSMabe  ju  ()eben  unb  ber  foniglicfjen  ^oft  iuteber  fortjuljelfen,  toar  e§  not§n)en> 
big,  fur  ein  §eer  (Sapeur  unb  SBergteute  nad)  ben  9fiegterung§=53arrac!en  §u  tele- 
grapljiren,  melc^e  einen  Xunnet  burd)  bie  SJlaffe  ©anfe  Brazen,  unb  ber  $($oph>a* 
gen  fuljr  jeine§  SSege§  fort 

In  due  course  of  time  a  German  resident  of  Austin  received  from  a 
relative  in  Fatherland  a  copy  of  the  paper  containing  the  above  curious 
and  truthful  story,  and  showing  me  the  marked  paragraph,  explained  its 
purport.  To  verify  his  translation  I  took  it  to  a  German  friend,  and 
him  requested  to  render  it  into  English,  which  he  did,  and  as  a  result  handed 
me  the  following : 

"  In  Austin,  Nevada,  America,  there  is  a  society  whose  objects  are  com- 
petitive lying.  It  is  under  Government  patronage,  and  the  member  of  the 
Association  who  tells  the  best  and  most  unreasonable  lie  is  awarded  a  gold 
medal  worth  fifty  thousand  thalers.  The  awards  are  made  annually  by  a 
commission  appointed  by  the  Governor  of  Boston,  and  which  is  in  perpet- 
uai  session  at  the  seat  of  National  Government  in  New  York.  The  lie 
which  took  the  premium  this  year  was  told  by  Uncle  John  Gibbonich.  He 
said  that  while  riding  post  across  the  Valley  of  the  Smoke,  there  arose 
from  the  earth  a  flock  of  geese  so  numberless  that  they  blocked  the  road 
and  shut  out  the  light  of  day.  And  in  order  that  the  blockade  might  be 
raised,  and  the  royal  mails  pass  on  their  way,  it  was  deemed  useful  to  tele- 
graph for  a  corps  of  sappers  and  miners  from  the  Government  barracks, 
who  mined  a  tunnel  through  the  mass  of  geese,  and  the  post  proceeded  on 
its  way." 

XOTE — The  sage-hen,  so-called,  is  a  bird  of  the  grouse  family,  inhabiting  Nevada, 
and  feeds  on  the  sage-brush  which,  in  the  main,  constitutes  the  vegetation  of  the  "  Sil- 
ver State."  From  this  circumstance  it  derives  its  name. 

The  bird  is  unknown  in  Germany,  of  course,  but  in  order  to  reach 
the  comprehension  of  his  readers,  the  editor  of  the  Zeitung  converted  it 
into  geese. 


18  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 


An   April   Fool   Joke. 

How  Uncle  John  once  got  even  on  a  man  who  had  April-fooled  him 
a  year  before  was  thus  recorded  in  the  REVEILLE  at  the  time  : 

A  HOT  COIN. — In  the  Sazerac  Saloon,  this  morning,  Uncle  John  Gib- 
bons could  have  been  seen  heating  a  four-bit  piece  in  the  drum  of  the  stove. 
He  watched  the  coin  carefully,  now  and  then  turning  it  over  to  make  sure 
that  it  would  get  warmed  through.  While  that  half-dollar  lay  baking  in 
the  stove-drum,  a  distinguished  member  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  was 
hastening  to  the  saloon  for  his  morning  cocktail,  never  dreaming  of  guile 
or  the  first  of  April.  As  he  entered  the  door  the  coin  was  about  cooked, 
and  Uncle  John  took  it  up  carefully  in  his  hand,  which  was  protected 
with  a  heavy  buckskin  driving  glove.  Then  he  called  to  the  brother 
member  who  was  in  search  of  his  matutinal  refreshment,  and  taking  him 
aside,  whispered  confidentially  in  his  ear : 

"  See  here,  George,  I'm  most  dead  for  a  drink,  but  I  can't  ask  up  this 
crowd  of  beats,  'cause  I've  only  got  four  bits.  You  take  this  four  bits 
and  treat  me." 

Ever  willing  to  accommodate,  George  closed  down  his  hand  on  the 
piece ;  but  he  did  not  keep  it  down.  In  about  the  seventeenth  part  of  a 
second  from  the  time  he  grasped  it,  that  half-dollar  went  crashing  through 
the  glass  in  the  front  door,  and  George  was  snapping  his  fingers  and  hop- 
ping around  as  though  he  had  just  got  up  from  sleeping  with  a  tarantula. 
Ever  and  anon  he  stopped  jumping,  and  looking  at  the  fac  simile  of  the 
American  eagle  which  was  branded  on  the  palm  of  his  hand,  raised  it 
towards  high  heaven,  and  solemnly  vowed  that  he  would  get  even  on  the 
man  that  "  fixed  "  that  half-dollar  for  him,  if  he  had  to  live  seven  thous- 
and years  to  do  it. 


Wanted  it  on  the  Surface. 

At  one  of  the  meetings  of  the  Club  a  member  stated  that  it  was  a 
well-known  fact  that  a  ghost  appeared  nightly  in  one  of  the  levels  of  the 
North  Star  Mine,  and  that  all  the  men  working  on  that  level  had  seen  his 
ghostship.  Uncle  John  Gibbons  was  present,  and  expressed  his  doubts 
about  it — in  fact  he  didn't  believe  in  ghosts  at  all.  "  Well,"  said  the 
speaker,  "  the  ghost  is  there,  and  if  you'll  go  down  I'll  show  him  to  you 
any  night."  Now  Uncle  John  knows  all  about  horses,  and  harness,  and 
buckboards,  and  Concord  wagons,  and  such  traps,  but  he  never  was  in  a 
mine  in  all  his  life,  and  would  as  soon  enter  the  mouth  of  hell  as  the 


"UNCLE  JOHN."  19 

mouth  of  a  shaft,  and  he  fairly  shuddered  at  the  thought  of  going  under- 
ground to  interview  a  departed  spirit.  "I'm  afeared  of  mines,"  he  said, 
"  and  don't  want  to  drop  down  none  o'  them  thar'  straight  holes  ;  but  I 
tell  you  what  I'll  do :  You  trot  your  ghost  out  into  the  big  road,  and  I'll 
harness  him  up,  and  drive  him  tandem  all  day  with  Brown  Bill  and  Dick. 
I  aint  afeard  of  anything  with  a  bit  in  its  mouth." 


Failed  to   Hatch. 

A  trick  that  was  once  played  on  Uncle  John  is  worthy  of  record : 
He  had  a  favorite  hen  at  the  stage  barn,  which  showed  a  disposition  to 
set.  So  he  placed  her  on  fifty-three  eggs,  and  after  five  weeks  of  antici- 
pation, concluded  it  was  time  for  some  results,  as  she  was  worn  down  to  a 
shadow,  and  ne'er  a  cheep  of  a  chicken  had  been  heard  in  that  barn.  So, 
to  save  her  life,  he  removed  her  from  the  nest.  An  examination  of  the 
eggs  revealed  the  fact  that  every  mother's  son  of  them  was  boiled  as  hard 
as  the  hinges  of  perdition.  It  was  a  mooted  question  whether  the  Club 
rung  in  the  boiled  eggs  on  the  old  stage-driver,  or  whether  he  set  the  hen 
on  them  himself,  in  the  hope  of  raising  boiled  chickens.  The  members 
asserted  the  latter ;  but  Uncle  John  said  it  was  a  base  aspersion  on  an  hon- 
est man's  character. 


Ifart  III. 

"OLD  DAD." 


"  He  was  always  called  '  Old  Dad,' "  said  an  intimate  of  his  one  day, 
"  I  knowed  him  in  Californy  in  '  fifty,'  when  he  was  young  and  spry  as  a 
chicken,  and  as  likely  a  lookin'  cuss  as  you  could  see  in  the  mountings, 
and  they  called  him  <  Old  Dad '  then." 

"  Dad  "  is  a  perfect  type  of  the  California  pioneer.  He  immigrated 
to  California  from  his  native  State — Virginia — with  the  first  rush  of  gold- 
seekers  to  the  then  new  El  Dorado.  Like  the  majority  of  the  Calif or- 
nians  of  his  time,  he  was  rich  and  poor  by  turns ;  and  now  that  the  "  flush 
days  "  are  gone,  never  to  return,  he  is,  like  nearly  all  the  pioneers,  rich 
only  in  reminiscences.  "  Dad  "  came  to  Austin  in  what  was  called  the 
"  Reese  River  excitement  of  sixty-three " — the  first  discovery  of  the 
mines  of  Reese  River  district,  which  were  then  supposed  to  be  fabulously 
rich  and  marvelously  extensive,  capable  of  affording  employment  and  for- 
tunes to  a  large  population.  As  with  all  new  mining  camps,  its  resources 
were  overrated,  and  in  the  natural  course  of  things  the  district  found  its 
level ;  and  though  not  the  "  second  Comstock " — which  all  mining  dis- 
tricts are,  in  the  excitement  of  their  discovery,  supposed  to  be — it  is  yet 
ene  of  the  most  staple  and  prosperous  on  the  Pacific  coast.  "Dad" 
points  proudly  to  his  record  as  a  pioneer,  claiming  that  he  enjoys  that  dis- 
tinction in  a  double  sense. 

"  A  California  pioneer  and  a  Reese  River  pioneer ;  it's  such  men  as 
me  that  opens  a  country  to  civilization,  and  paves  the  way  for  them  ten- 
der feet  to  come  in  from  the  States  on  the  railroads  and  make  all  the 
money,  while  us  pioneers — who  stood  the  brunt,  and  bore  the  hardships, 
and  lived  on  slapjacks  and  sage-brush  straight — we,  why  we  get  the  soup 
that  the  eggs  was  boiled  in." 

When  "  Dad  "  arrived  in  California,  "  the  plains  across,"  he  took  up 
his  residence  in  Nevada  County,  in  that  State.  There,  to  use  his  own 
words,  he  engaged  in  mining  and  speculating,  under  which  head  may  prop- 
erly be  classed  the  financial  operation  herewith  detailed  : 


"OLD    DAD?  21 


Buying    a    Clown. 

"Old  Dad"  related  his  "experience"  in  the  circus  business  in  the  Saz- 
erac  Lying  Club  one  night : 

It  was  in  the  early  days  of  Nevada  County,  California.  Money  was 
more  plentiful  than  mosquitoes  on  the  San  Joaquin;  gambling  was  as 
common  as  praying  at  camp-meeting,  and  whisky  as  free  as  water.  But 
the  boys  pined  for  a  little  excitement,  and  "  Dad,"  who  in  those  days  was 
a  moneyed  prince,  concluded  to  give  it  to  them,  and  at  the  same  time 
make  a  nice  little  clean-up  for  himself.  "Dad"  had  a  partner,  and  to 
him  he  communicated  his  plan,  which  was  to  build  an  amphitheater  a  short 
distance  out  of  town,  send  a  hunter  into  the  mountains  to  trap  a  bear, 
(bears  were  numerous  in  the  Sierras)  procure  a  bull,  and  have  a  regular 
old-fashioned  bull-and-bear  fight  on  the  Mexican  plan,  and  charge  two  dol- 
lars a  head  admission  to  view  it.  The  partner  fell  in  with  the  project ; 
the  amphitheater  was  built,  the  animals  procured,  and  a  day  set  for  the 
fight,  the  announcement  of  the  "  entertainment "  throwing  three  counties 
into  the  wildest  excitement. 

It  appeared  that  in  order  to  have  the  show  go  off  in  strict  accordance 
with  Mexican  custom  and  rule,  it  was  necessary  to  have  a  colored  man  to 
act  the  part  of  clown.  The  American  colored  men  knew  nothing  about 
bull-fighting,  and  it  was  found  impossible  to  persuade  one  of  them  to  act 
the  part,  and  the  projectors  of  the  show  were  in  despair.  They  had  bears, 
bulls,  and  Mexican  bull-fighters,  but  no  clown.  Finally  they  found  a  Cen- 
tral American  negro  who  understood  the  business,  but  he  was  known  as 
such  a  tricky  customer  that  it  was  not  considered  safe  to  employ  him  and 
pay  him  any  money  to  bind  the  bargain,  for  fear  he  would  run  off  without 
fulfilling  his  contract.  As  this  was  in  the  days  of  negro  slavery,  the  show- 
men determined  to  buy  the  negro,  and  own  him  out  and  out.  He  had  no 
master,  and  belonged  to  no  man  but  himself,  so  it  was  determined  to  pur- 
chase him  of  himself.  In  pursuance  of  a  bargain  which  was  struck  up, 
the  negro  was  taken  before  a  lawyer,  by  whom  a  bill  of  sale  was  drawn 
up,  in  which  the  Central  American  sold  himself  to  the  show  proprietors 
for  the  sum  of  $500.  He  could  neither  read  nor  write,  but  affixed  his 
mark  to  the  document,  and  the  sale  was  consummated.  On  the  day  of  the 
fight  a  procession  was  formed,  headed  by  the  negro,  tricked  out  in  red  flan- 
nel drawers  and  a  spangled  shirt,  a  brass  band,  and  the  Mexican  bull  ex- 
perts, which  marched  to  the  amphitheater  in  the  outskirts  of  the  town,  fol- 
lowed by  a  concourse  of  three  thousand  men.  To  make  a  long  story 
short,  the  bull-and-bear  fight  was  a  failure.  The  bull,  maddened  at  the 
sight  of  the  clown's  red  flannel  drawers,  made  a  lunge  at  the  unfortunate 
colored  individual,  and  tossed  him  over  its  head,  spoiling  him  for  service 


22  THE  SAZEEAG  LYING    CLUB. 

as  a  clown  for  many  a  long  day ;  to  save  the  negro's  life  the  Mexicans 
were  forced  to  kill  the  bull,  and  the  door-keeper  ran  away  with  the  gate- 
money,  amounting  to  some  $6,000.  As  the  bull  had  rendered  the  negro 
useless  to  them,  the  showman  made  him  a  present  of  himself  back  to  him- 
self ;  and  there  was  not  another  bull-and-bear  fight  in  Nevada  County  for 
three  weeks. 

A    Sly    Fox. 

The  following  creation  of  "  Dad's  "  fertile  imagination  was  recorded 
in  the  columns  of  the  REVEILLE  as  it  here  appears,  and  had  the  distin- 
guished honor  of  being  copied  in  one  of  the  New  York  illustrated  week- 
lies, and  of  being  illustrated  by  "  our  artist  on  the  spot." 

At  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  seance  last  night  the  gentleman  from  Vir- 
ginia related  the  following : 

"  Back  in  the  Shenandoah  Valley,  very  many  years  ago,  when  the  nar- 
rator was  a  young  man,  fox-hunting  was  one  of  the  most  popular  sports, 
in  which  he  frequently  took  part.  There  was  one  old  fox  which  for  a 
period  of  several  years  had  continually  evaded  the  fleetest  and  keenest- 
scented  hounds,  the  scent  invariably  being  lost  in  the  vicinity  of  a  house 
situated  in  the  woods,  and  far  removed  from  any  habitation,  and  which 
was  used  as  a  storehouse  for  pelts.  At  last,  one  day,  the  dogs  started  the 
old  fox,  and  away  he  went  in  the  direction  of  the  house,  with  a  pack  of 
young  hounds  in  full  cry  after  him,  but  on  nearing  the  house  he  disap- 
peared, leaving  the  hounds  and  hunters  nonplussed,  as  usual.  "While  the 
hunters  were  gathered  in  and  about  the  house,  discussing  the  frequent 
mysterious  disappearances  of  the  fox,  an  old  veteran  hound  came  limping 
up,  and  entering  the  door,  set  up  a  vigorous  barking,  and  tried  to  jump  up 
on  the  wall.  His  singular  actions  attracted  the  attention  of  the  hunters, 
and,  an  examination  being  made,  the  old  fox  was  found  suspended  by  his 
tail  to  a  nail  in  the  wall,  keeping  perfectly  still  and  looking,  unless  closely 
observed,  like  the  pelts  with  which  the  walls  were  hung.  This  plainly 
showed  that  the  old  fox,  when  too  closely  pressed,  had  taken  refuge  in  the 
house,  and  hung  himself  up  on  the  nail  by  his  tail,  which  was  the  reason 
for  the  dogs  always  losing  the  scent  at  that  particular  place." 


A    Stout    Man. 

The  subject  of  debate  at  the  regular  session  of  the  Club  was  strong 
men.  Old  Dad  took  the  floor,  and  told  about  the  strongest  man,  of  his 
inches,  he  had  ever  seen.  They  were  mining  over  in  Marshall  Canon.  The 
shaft  was  210  feet  deep,  and  they  hoisted  the  dirt  in  a  car  as  large  as  is 
used  in  a  steam  hoisting-works,  but  there  was  only  a  windlass  at  the  top 


"OLD   DAD?  23 

of  the  shaft  to  hoist  the  car  with.  The  windlass-man  was  a  little  bit  of  a 
fellow — only  weighed  ninety-one  pounds — but  it  was  noticed  that  he  never 
weakened,  and  always  hoisted  the  loaded  car  to  the  surface  without  an 
apparent  overtaxing  of  his  strength.  One  day  the  boys  in  the  bottom  put 
up  a  job  on  him.  They  loaded  the  car  with  wet  clay,  and  batted  it  down 
hard,  and  piled  it  up  in  a  mound  over  the  top  of  the  car.  Then  the  men 
— four  of  them — got  on  the  car,  and  sung  out  to  the  windlass-man  to  hoist. 
"  She  commenced  mountin'  that  shaft  just  as  easy  as  if  a  ninety-horse- 
power engine  was  a  hoistin'  her  out,  and  every  bit  of  the  machinery  greased 
within  an  inch  of  its  life."  "  When  we  got  to  the  surface,"  said  Dad,  "  we 
was  as  ashamed  as  a  dog  caught  suckin'  eggs.  Thar  was  that  little  fellow, 
as  cool  like  and  as  ca'm  as  one  of  them  icebergs,  never  sweatin'  a  ha'r  nor 
puffin'  a  puff,  and  a-turnin'  the  windlass-crank  with  one  hand ;  and  as  the 
boys  stepped  off  the  car  he  said,  kinder  quiet  like :  '  Boys,  can't  yer  put  a 
load  on  the  car  some  time  ?  I've  got  the  dyspepsy,  and  the  doctor  told  me 
I  must  take  exercise.'  " 

The  topics  discussed  in  the  Club  are  always  seasonable ;  no  stale,  flat, 
and  unprofitable  themes  contract  the  powers  or  impair  the  usefulness  of 
the  organization.  At  the  same  meeting,  as  soon  as  Old  Dad  had  finished 
his  Samsonian  story  the  subject  of  climate  was  introduced.  The  snow  and 
mud  and  winds,  and  the  general  uncertainties  of  the  climate  of  this  re- 
gion, were  duly  cursed  and  commented  on ;  and  the  special  lie  of  the  even- 
ing being  announced  as  in  order,  the  member  known  as  "  The  Traveler  " 
rose  and  said : 

"  Talk  about  climate  !  Give  me  a  tropical  climate — a  region  of  per- 
petual sunshine  !  The  West  Injys  is  the  country  for  me  ;  IVe  bin  thar. 
Why,  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen  of  the  Club,  in  them  islands  Natur  has 
so  arranged  things  that  a  feller  don't  have  to  do  a  stroke  of  work  to  get  a 
livin' ;  the  necessaries  of  life  just  drop  down  inter  his  mouth,  as  it  were, 
like  the  manner  onter  the  children  of  Isrell  on  the  forty-mile  desert,  and 
the  only  man  what  ever  starved  to  death  thar  was  a  feller  who  was  too 
dog-goned  lazy  to  open  his  mouth  for  the  nourishment  to  enter.  Thar's 
the  bread-fruit ;  it  grows  spontan'ous  like,  as  they  call  it,  all  ready  baked 
as  brown  as  a  meersham  pipe  and  hot  and  srnokin'  and  light  as  a  feather, 
and  all  a  man  has  to  do  is  to  lay  down  on  his  back  under  one  of  the  trees 
and  let  the  food  drop  inter  his  mouth.  But  then  the  bread-fruit  aint  no- 
whar  along  of  the  sago.  Sago's  the  truck — it's  meat  and  drink  and  clothin' 
and  shelter.  All  a  man  of  family  has  to  do  is  to  take  his  folks  and  camp 
under  one  of  them  sago  trees,  and  I'll  tell  yer,  Mr.  President  and  gentle- 
men, how  he's  fixed  :  The  branches  of  the  trees  grows  like  the  rafters  of 
a  house,  and  the  little  leaves  weave  inter  each  other  jest  like  shingles,  and 
the  big  leaves  drop  down  from  the  end  of  the  branches  and  make  walls. 
Thar's  his  house ;  and  the  ceilin'  is  jest  kivered  with  sago,  which  drops 
down  reg'lar  every  mornin'  of  its  own  accord  inter  a  dish  on  the  dinin'- 


24  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

room  table.  It  rains  every  night,  and  the  water  actin'  on  the  sago  makes 
a  liquid  that  just  knocks  the  spots  clean  off 'n  the  best  kinder  coffee,  and 
the  sun  cooks  it  up  on  the  roof  and  it  drops  down  off  'n  the  leaves  inter 
nice  China  cups  made  out'n  cocoanut  shells,  and  the  little  nigger  boys,  that 
air  delighted  to  be  yer  servants  for  the  honor  of  the  thing,  bring  the  cups 
in  and  set  'em  on  a  marble-top  table  alongside  of  yer  gold-mounted  ham- 
mock set  with  di'monds  and  other  precious  stones.  Sago,  Mr.  President 
and  gentlemen  of  the  Club,  sago " 

"  Sago  off  on  your  ear  with  that  yarn,"  interrupted  a  stranger,  who 
had  entered  at  this  point  in  the  narrative,  and  was  taking  whisky-straight 
at  the  bar. 

As  by  a  common  impulse,  the  Club  rose  to  its  feet  to  resent  this  out- 
rageous interruption ;  but  observing  that  the  stranger  had  two  whistler 
six-shooters  in  his  belt  and  the  handle  of  a  fourteen-inch  bowie-knife  stick- 
ing out  of  his  left  boot,  they  sat  down  again.  And  the  President's  voice 
was  tremulous  with  emotion  as  he  declared  the  Club  adjourned,  and  re- 
marked, in  response  to  the  stranger's  invitation  to  "jine"  him,  that  he 
would  take  the  least  bit  of  sour  in  his'n. 


Passover. 

On  one  occasion,  a  Hebrew  fellow-citizen  presented  a  member  of  the 
Sazerac  Lying  Club  with  a  cake  of  unleavened,  or  Passover  bread.  This 
being  exhibited  at  the  next  meeting  of  the  Club,  led  to  a  discussion  on 
the  origin  and  uses  of  the  Jewish  holiday  of  Passover.  Uncle  John  as- 
serted that  the  holiday  was  kept  by  the  Jews  in  commemoration  of  the 
deliverance  of  Moses  from  the  bulrushes,  and  his  being  "  passed  over  "  to 
Pharaoh's  daughter ;  but  the  "  Theological  Member "  told  him  to  "  shut 
up  "  talking  of  something  he  knew  nothing  about ;  and  if  the  President 
would  maintain  order  and  enforce  the  rules,  he  would  tell  them  what 
Passover  bread  was  for.  Mr.  Fibley  said  he  would,  and  the  "  Theological 
Member "  turned  himself  loose  in  a  narrative,  of  which  the  following  is 
the  substance,  as  nearly  as  I  am  able  to  reproduce  it  from  memory : 

"  When  Pharaoh  was  Khedive  of  Egypt  he  was  building  government 
buildings  by  contract,  and  the  Israelites  were  working  for  him  making 
brick  by  the  day.  Like  all  government  contractors,  he  neither  furnished 
a  good  article  nor  treated  his  employees  with  justice. 

"  The  Israelites  struck  for  higher  wages  and  eight  hours  a  day,  and  or- 
ganized a  trade  union  and  elected  a  man  named  Moses  as  President.  Mo- 
ses was  in  the  clothing  business;  and  because  he  didn't  know  anything 
about  labor  the  Israelites  thought  he  would  make  a  good  presiding  officer 
of  a  labor  organization. 

"  When  the  Israelites  struck,  old  Pharaoh  hired  a  new  set  of  hands,  and 
they  (the  Israelites)  concluded  to  go  on  a  prospecting  trip  into  Canaan 


"OLD   DADr  25 

District,  where  there  was  represented  to  be  a  big  milk  and  honey  ledge. 
Owing  to  the  snow  blockade  on  the  Suez  Canal  the  market  was  bare  of 
yeast  powders,  and  the  mill  that  made  the  self-rising  flour  had  h-hut  down ; 
and  as  the  Israelites  were  afraid  the  claims  would  all  be  located  if  they 
didn't  get  there  quick,  they  started  off  with  a  few  sacks  of  flour  and 
mixed  their  bread  in  the  flour  sack  and  baked  it  on  a  hot  rock. 

"  After  they  had  crossed  the  creek  Pharaoh  missed  some  picks  and 
shovels,  and  thinking  the  Israelites  had  stolen  them,  he  swore  out  a  search- 
warrant  and  sent  a  sheriff's  posse  after  them.  The  sheriff's  party  missed 
the  ford  and  were  drowned,  and  to  this  day  the  Israelites  eat  unleavened 
bread  in  commemoration  of  the  event." 

The  Club  boasts,  not  only  a  Theological,  but  a  Medical  Member,  and 
as  soon  as  the  former  had  finished,  the  latter  arose  and  delivered  himself 
of  the  following,  which,  whether  it  be  original  or  not,  is  worthy  of  pres- 
ervation : 

"  Once  when  I  was  a  practicin'  over  in  Syerra  County,  Calif orny,  a 
feller  got  caved  on  by  a  bank  and  got  his  skull  fractured  clean  out  of  shape. 
They  picked  him  up  and  brung  him  to  me,  and  I  made  a  diagnosis  of  his 
case,  and  found  that  his  brain,  which  was  exposed,  was  full  of  dirt  and 
bits  of  rock.  There  wasn't  nothin'  to  do  but  to  take  it  out  and  clean  it ; 
the  idear  of  a  man  goin'  around  with  the  action  of  his  brain  bein'  inter- 
fered with  by  three  or  four  pounds  of  clay  and  gravel  was  clear  out  of  the 
question,  and  I  set  too  much  store  by  my  medical  reputation  to  consent  to 
any  such  dqin's.  I  took  out  the  brain  and  put  it  in  a  tin  pan,  and  while  I 
was  washin'  of  it  the  patient  seed  a  feller  across  the  street  what  he  had 
some  bizness  with,  and  went  over  to  have  a  talk  with  him.  He  forgot  to 
come  Iback  after  his  brains,  and  I  didn't  see  him  ag'in  for  two  months, 
when  one  day,  bein'  in  the  jinin'  county,  I  seed  him.  I  hailed  him  and 
told  him  them  thar  brains  was  up  at  my  office,  and  if  he  wanted  'em  he 
better  come  and  git  'em. 

" '  Don't  want  'em,'  said  he. 

"<  Why  not?'  said  I. 

" '  Wai,  you  see,'  said  he,  '  I'm  runnin'  for  office  now  and  I  don't  need 
'em ;  got  no  use  in  the  world  for  'em ;  fact  is,  they'd  be  an  incumbrance, 
under  the  circumstances.' " 

This  lie  met  with  the  hearty  approbation  of  the  Club,  the  President 
especially  manifesting  his  approval  by  ordering  another  whisky-straight, 
and  drinking  it  off  at  a  gulp,  with  a  "  Here's  to  you,"  as  he  looked  across 
at  the  Medical  Member.  There  was  a  general  replenishing  of  tobacco 
quids,  and  as  Mr.  Fibley  declared  a  recess  of  five  minutes,  the  members, 
not  to  waste  time,  started  an  informal  discussion  on  the  hardships  and 
privations  many  of  them  had  undergone  in  the  pioneer  days  of  California, 
Old  Dad  more  particularly  thrilling  the  assembly  by  recounting  his  adven- 
tures by  flood  and  field. 


26  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

The  last  one  to  speak  was  the  Fighting  Member.   Referring  to  a  story 
told  by  his  distinguished  Colleague,  he  recounted  the  following : 


Rough  Experience. 

"  Oh,  that  aint  nothin'  to  the  time  I  was  with  Kit  Carson."  "  You 
with  Kit  Carson!"  exclaimed  several  members.  "Yes,  me  and  Kit 
crossed  the  plains  in  forty-seven.  We  was  camped  up  in  the  Sierra  Ne- 
vadys,  and  one  mornin'  we  thought  we'd  go  out  and  hunt  some  meat  for 
breakfast.  We  found  b'ar  signs,  and  had  just  got  on  the  track  of  the  var- 
mint, when  there  come  up  one  of  them  hell-roarin'  big  snow-storms 
like  they  have  in  them  mountings,  when  it  snows  a  foot  a  minnit.  It  cov- 
ered up  our  camp  and  we  couldn't  find  our  grub,  and  was  four  days  with- 
out a  thing  to  eat,  and  we'd  have  starved  to  death  only  for  my  going  to  a 
farm-house  close  by  and  stealing  some  chickens.  I  tell  you,  I  was  so 
thirsty  that  my  feet  cracked  open,  and  besides,  I  suffered  awful  from 
cold  through  falling  into  a  lake,  tryin'  to  reach  for  some  water-lilies.  We 
was  most  famished  for  water,  and  had  to  chew  bullets  to  get  a  little  moist- 
ure in  our  mouths.  We  saw  considerable  game,  but  our  ammunition  got 
wet,  and  besides,  I  liked  to  burned  my  hand  off  trying  to  light  a  fire  with 
some  powder  so's  to  cook  a  mountain  sheep  that  I  shot  with  my  six- 
shooter.  I  don't  even  believe  the  Donner  party  had  a  worse  time  than 
we  did,  and  I've  seen  some  pretty  tough  times  myself.  Why,  when  I 
first  came  to  Californy,  around  the  Horn  in  fifty-two,  we  struck  a  storm 
comin'  up  the  Chagres  River,  on  the  isthmus,  just  this  side  of  Panamar — .' 
Just  here  the  President's  gavel  fell,  and  he  said  that  much  as  he  dis- 
liked to  do  so,  he  felt  that  the  welfare  of  the  Club  demanded  that  he  must 
enforce  the  rule  requiring  that  members  should  not  contradict  themselves. 
"  Does  anybody  here  present  doubt  what  I've  been  tellin'  ?  "  said  the  Fight- 
ing Member,  reaching  for  the  back  part  of  his  waistband.  "  Not  a  doubt," 
responded  the  Club  unanimously.  And  then  the  meeting  was  declared  ad- 
journed. 


Sfart  W. 
STUB. 


Of  the  many  odd  characters  in  Austin, 

one  of  the  most  peculiar  is  Stub.     Like  Uncle 

John   Gibbons,  Stub  is   a   stage-driver;   but 

there  is  caste  even  among  stage-drivers,  and 

Stub's  caste  is  to  Uncle  John's  as  a  "  buck- 
board  "  is  to  a  Concord  coach.  Uncle  John 

is  a  four,  six,  eight,  or  any  number  horse  that 

can  be   hitched  up   driver.     Stub's   ambition 

never  soared  higher  than  "buck-boards"  and 

"jerkies."     Stub  runs  an  "  express "  between 

Austin   and  lone,  the  latter  being  a  mining 

camp,  about  fifty-five  miles  distant  from  the 

former.     He  makes  one  round  trip  a  week, 

carrying  the   mail   and  driving  a  two-horse 

"  buck-board."  A  buck-board  is  a  contrivance 
consisting  of  a  narrow  spring  floor  set  on  two 
axles,  usually  with  a  seat  in  the  center  for  the 
driver ;  but  in  some  cases,  where  passengers 
are  carried,  it  has  two  seats,  one  forward  and 

one  aft.  Buck-boards  are  used  principally  for  carrying  the  mails  over 
deserts,  and  are  in  common  use  for  that  purpose  in  Arizona.  On  account 
of  their  lightness,  they  can,  with  the  aid  of  a  good  team,  be  made  to  get 
over  a  great  deal  of  ground  in  a  very  short  time ;  but  they  are  the  meanest 
things  to  ride  on  that  ever  were  invented,  and  the  man  who  is  so  unfortu- 
nate as  to  be  compelled  to  take  a  few  hours'  journey  on  one,  finds  himself 
at  the  end  of  it  with  every  joint  in  his  body  dislocated. 

"Staging  aint  what  it  used  to  be,"  and  buck-boards  have  taken 
the  place  of  coaches  on  nearly  every  stage-route  in  interior  Nevada,  the 
population  being  so  small  that  the  travel  is  too  light  to  afford  coaches  and 
four  or  six-horse  stock. 


28 


THE   SAZEEAC  LYINd    CLUB. 


"  Staging  aint  what  it  used  to  be." 

Stub's  route  lies  for  the  most  part  through  Reese  River  Valley,  in 
which  are  situated  a  number  of  ranches  or  farms.  The  valley  is  a  bleak, 
barren-looking  stretch  of  country,  covered  for  the  most  part  with  sage- 
brush ;  but  the  soil  is  capable,  by  irrigation,  of  producing  cereals  in  abun- 
dance and  the  finest  potatoes  in  the  world.  The  hills  surrounding  it  are 
covered  with  the  nutritious  bunch-grass,  and  afford  a  range  for  large 
numbers  of  cattle,  while  in  the  valley  itself  there  grows  in  places  a  plant 
called  white  sage,  which,  after  it  is  touched  by  the  frost  in  the  autumn, 
is  a  very  sweet  and  nourishing  food  for  cattle.  Such  a  thing  as  housing 
or  feeding  stock  is  all  but  unknown  in  Eastern  and  Central  Nevada.  The 
section  abounds  in  cattle-ranges,  as  they  are  called,  and  thousands  of  neat 
stock  are  constantly  running  over  them,  getting  fat  in  summer,  and  "  rust- 
ling" for  a  living,  or  dying  from  cold  and  exposure  in  the  winter.  This 
cattle  interest  and  the  patches  of  irrigated  land  are  what  make  the  ranches 
in  the  valley.  The  irrigation  is  obtained  by  systems  of  ditches  from 
Reese  River,  a  narrow  stream  which  rises  in  the  mountains  at  the  head  of 
the  valley,  and  is  fed  by  springs  and  snows,  and,  traversing  its  entire 
length,  empties  into  the  Humboldt,  near  Battle  Mountain,  on  the  Central 
Pacific  Railroad.  It  abounds  in  trout,  and  in  the  treating  season  is  largely 
resorted  to  by  anglers  from  Austin.  To  the  trouting  of  Reese  River  I  owe 
my  first  acquaintance  with  Stub.  The  people  who  go  there  to  fish  gen- 
erally make  up  large  parties,  with  a  full  camping  outfit,  and  provisions 
enough  to  last  a  month.  Their  advent  on  the  river  is  hailed  with  delight 
by  the  Indians,  crows,  and  coyotes;  for  camp-life  in  the  reality  don't 
begin  to  be  as  good  a  thing  as  it  was  in  the  anticipation,  and  the  camp- 
ers almost  invariably  start  home  sooner  than  was  intended,  leaving 
the  banks  of  the  river  lined  with  half-consumed  cans  of  fruits,  preserved 


"STUB."  29 

meats,  and  other  edibles.  Some  of  the  surplus  edibles  is  usually  expended 
in  hiring  Indians  to  catch  fish,  so  that  the  party  may  return  home  and  ex- 
hibit good  baskets  ;  but,  as  a  rule,  the  guileless  native  demands  coin  for 
his  services,  knowing  that,  in  the  natural  course  of  events,  the  remnants 
will  fall  to  his  lot,  with  none  to  dispute  his  right  but  the  beasts  and  birds 
of  prey. 

But  I  am  digressing  from  Stub. 

One  summer,  having  a  week's  vacation  from  my  editorial  labors,  I 
concluded  to  spend  it  in  a  fishing  trip  to  Reese  River,  and  to  go  to  that 
stream  in  a  crowd  by  myself,  and  put  up  at  one  of  the  ranches  in  the  valley. 
In  pursuance  of  this  plan,  I  requested  Stub  to  interview  some  of  the  ranch- 
ers, and  obtain  for  me  accommodations.  Executing  commissions  is  Stub's 
strong  suit.  Every  time  he  drives  out  of  Austin  his  mind  is  charged  with 
numerous  messages  for  the  ranchers,  or  for  people  at  lone  and  Ellsworth, 
and  his  express  loaded  down  with  small  packages  for  delivery.  The 
women  at  the  ranches  depend  on  Stub  for  their  needles  and  thread  and 
worsted,  and  fruit  and  candy  for  the  childen,  and  a  thousand  and  one 
other  articles  which  they  have  no  way  of  getting  except  through  Stub. 
The  men  commission  him  to  bring  them  tobacco  and  newspapers  ;  to  get 
mowing-machine  knives  sharpened,  saddles  mended,  and  impose  on  him  a 
multiplicity  of  errands  that  would  confuse  any  other  person.  At  every 
house  along  his  route,  some  man,  woman,  or  child  runs  out,  and  with  a 
hail,  says  :  "  Stub,  bring  me  some  fine  cut  "  ;  or,  "  Stub,  I  want  a  piece 
of  muslin  "  ;  or,  "  Stub,  go  and  see  Jones  and  get  my  saddle  "  ;  or, 
"  Stub,  call  on  Smith  and  tell  him  I'll  drive  them  cattle  in  next  week  "  ; 
or,  "  Stub,  go  and  see  the  doctor,  and  tell  him  baby  aint  no  better,  and  he 
better  send  some  more  of  that  mixture."  All  these  errands  and  commis- 
sions are  remembered  and  faithfully  performed,  for  Stub  is  faultless  in 
attending  to  such  duties.  On  his  return  trip,  Stub  informed  me  that  he 
had  secured  the  needful  accommodation,  and,  naming  the  place,  said  : 
"  They'll  take  you  in  and  treat  you  on  the  squar',  and  the  fishin's  as  good 
thar  as  any  place  on  the  stream,  except  you  go  clear  to  the  head." 

The  next  trip  of  Stub's  Express,  outward-bound,  found  me  a  passen- 
ger on  the  buck-board.  There  were  two  other  passengers  besides  myself 
—  one  male,  and  a  garrulous  old  lady,  who  smoked  a  clay  pipe,  and  drank 
whisky  from  a  bottle  with  as  much  gusto  as  any  member  of  the  Club.  She 
was  an  old  acquaintance  of  Stub's,  and,  like  him,  a  pioneer  of  Eastern  Ne- 
vada ;  and  the  two  knew,  or  knew  of,  every  man,  woman,  and  child  in 
Austin,  Belmont,  lone,  Ellsworth,  and  Reese  River  Valley  ;  and  the  way 
they  discussed  their  friends,  and  handled  and  soiled  and  destroyed  char- 
acters, and  smoked  pipes  and  drank  whisky,  sent  the  jack-rabbits  scam- 
pering in  affright  to  their  holes. 

One  of  Stub's  peculiarities  is  that  he  laughs.  He  laughs  at  everything 
that  is  said  to  him  —  a  loud,  long  laugh  that  sounds  more  like  the  neigh  of 


OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY 


30  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

a  horse  than  anything  .else.  Stub  is  deaf  as  a  post,  and  laughs  so  as  to 
show  that  he  is  appreciative.  It  makes  no  difference  whether  it  is  a  joke 
or  a  catastrophe,  Stub  laughs  as  heartily  at  one  as  at  the  other.  Tell  him 
a  joke  about  a  man's  mother-in-law  getting  killed,  and  he  will  laugh  ;  or 
relate  to  him  a  frightful  mining  accident  that  has  just  occurred,  and 
he  laughs  just  the  same.  The  old  woman  would  tell  how  so-and-so  up  at 
Austin  was  no  better  than  she  should  be,  and  Stub  laughed ;  or  that  Gardly, 
the  dry-goods  man  at  Belmont,  was  on  the  verge  of  bankruptcy,  and  Stub 
laughed ;  or  that  Tim  Green's  wife,  up  at  lone,  was  at  the  point  of  death, 
and  her  with  half  a  dozen  children  who  would  be  motherless,  and  Stub 
laughed  with  just  the  same  peculiar  horse-laugh  that  he  would  bestow 
on  the  funniest  joke. 

Further  particulars  of  this  fishing  trip  can  be  best  detailed  by  extracts 
from  an  account  of  it  written  up  for  the  REVEILLE  on  my  return,  and 
which  I  present  herewith  : 


Stub's   Express. 

Stub's  Express  is  one  of  the  institutions  of  this  section.  Perhaps 
everybody  in  town  don't  know  Stub,  but  everybody  in  Reese  River  Valley 
does.  Stub's  Express  consists  of  a  two-seated  buck-board  wagon  and  Stub. 
We  embarked  in  the  buck-board  in  front  of  Dinsmore's  store,  the  other 
freight  consisting  of  a  feather  bed,  a  mowing-machine,  a  roll  of  leather, 
three  butter  barrels,  a  threshing  machine,  a  paper  of  needles,  a  case  of  coal 
oil,  an  old  woman,  a  plough,  a  small  quartz-mill,  another  passenger,  and 
Stub.  The  team  consisted  of  two  stout  little  ponies,  which  seemed  to  be 
acquainted  with  Stub,  and  when  he  would  throw  the  whip  and  say,  "  Git 
up,  you  consarned  critters,"  they  knew  that  Stub  meant  business. 

A  journey  up  Reese  River  Valley  is  not  one  of  the  most  eventful 
affairs  in  life.  The  landscape  in  general  is  of  that  barren  and  uninterest- 
ing nature  which  characterizes  the  greater  portion  of  Nevada.  It  consists 
of  a  great  expanse  of  sage-brush  and  grease -wood,  with  an  occasional 
ranch  at  long  intervals,  on  which  the  waving  grain  and  small  cultivated 
patches  relieve  the  monotonous  barrenness,  and  remind  the  traveler  that  he 
is  still  in  an  inhabited  country. 

After  leaving  Silver  Age  Ranch,  the  journey  over  the  dusty  road,  with 
nothing  to  direct  the  attention  from  the  dry  plains  and  hills,  became  very 
monotonous. 

Almost  the  first  question  asked  was  :  "  Shall  we  get  anything  to  eat 
on  the  road  ?  "  "  Certainly,"  said  Stub,  "  git  dinner  at  noon  "  ;  and  then, 
sotto  voce,  which  I  did  not  hear,  "  if  you've  brought  it  with  you — 
not  otherwise."  When  noon  came,  we  looked  in  vain  for  a  resting  place, 
and  loud  were  the  lamentations  of  the  old  lady  at  finding  herself  deprived 


"STUB."  31 

of  the  usual  meal.  As  if  to  sharpen  our  appetites,  Stub,  without  any 
provocation,  told  us  the  following  yarn  : 

"  Once  when  I  was  up  in  Montanny,  me  and  four  other  fellers  struck 
some  pritty  fair  diggin's  up  in  a  gulch  in  the  mountings,  about  220  miles 
from  anywhar.  We  didn't  have  much  grub  and  couldn't  afford  to  leave 
the  diggin's  to  go  after  some,  'cause  the  water  was  gittin'  low  and  we 
wanted  to  put  in  every  minnit  on  the  claim,  so's  to  take  out  all  the  dust 
we  could  afore  snow  flew,  and  winter  was  a-comin'  on  pritty  close.  Thai- 
was  any  quantity  of  game  in  the  country,  but  we  didn't  hev'  a  dog-goned 
thing  to  shoot  it  with,  and  many  and  many  a  mornin'  hev'  I  laid  in  my 
blankets  as  hungry  as  a  she-wolf,  and  seen  millions  of  grouse  a-flyin'  over 
my  head,  and  the  deer  and  antelope  was  so  thick  they  used  to  tramp  over 
us  as  we  lay  in  our  blankets.  Down  below  our  camp,  at  the  foot  of  the 
gulch,  was  a  little  spring  whar  a  drove  of  deer  used  to  come  for  water  at 
night,  and  seein'  this,  we  fixed  up  a  job  to  git  fresh  meat.  Durin'  the  day- 
time we  built  a  fence  round  the  place,  leavin'  the  bars  down  whar  the 
deer  used  to  come  in  for  water,  and  that  night  we  laid  in  the  brush  clus' 
by,  and  when  the  deer  came  in,  we  just  put  up  the  bars  and  we  had  'em 
kerrelled.  After  that,  whenever  we  wanted  any  fresh  meat,  we'd  jest  go 
inter  the  kerrell  and  lass  a  doe  or  a  fawn  and  butcher  it,  and  we  was  fixed 
for  meat  for  several  days  to  come  ;  had  deer-meat  to  sell,  in  fact." 

The  rest  of  that  dreary  ride  is  impressed  on  my  memory  by  the  recol- 
lection of  the  pangs  of  hunger  endured ;  and  when  late  that  night  the 
buck-board  stopped  at  its  destination,  and  I  attacked  my  first  meal  since 
daylight,  I  was  thoroughly  satisfied  that  Stub  had  qualifications  for  the 
Sazerac  Lying  Club  other  than  his  Montana  adventure. 

After  a  hearty  supper  of  homely  and  wholesome  fare,  to  which  my 
long  fast  enabled  me  to  do  full  justice,  an  hour  was  pleasantly  spent  in 
discussing  agricultural  topics.  This  subject  struck  me  where  I  lived,  and 
we  learnedly  exchanged  notes  about  the  proper  time  to  pull  hay,  the  best 
mode  of  cutting  potatoes,  and  the  latest  improvements  in  digging  barley. 
The  family  was  much  impressed  with  my  farming  lore,  and  the  lady  of  the 
house  suggested  that  I  should  be  a  splendid  hand  to  feed  the  pigs  and 
chickens.  Merit  always  commands  recognition. 


A    Neglected   Education. 

The  owner  of  the  ranch  was  a  Missourian ;  his  wife  was  also  a  Missou- 
rian,  and  several  male  relatives  and  all  the  hands  about  the  place  were 
Missourians.  They  had  all  immigrated  from  Missouri  to  California  at  an 
early  day,  and  their  customs  and  manners  were  of  the  backwoods.  The 
day  after  my  arrival  the  entire  family  and  the  hired  hands  became  ab- 
sorbed in  the  engaging  operation  of  killing  and  dressing  a  hog,  and  it 


32  THE   SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

seemed  to  be  expected  that,  as  a  matter  of  politeness,  I  should  at  least  be 
a  spectator  of  the  proceedings.  The  circumstance  of  the  hog's  customary 
death  possesses  in  itself  no  significance,  and  its  relation  is  really  not  abso- 
lutely necessary  to  insure  the  success  of  this  book ;  but  it  will  serve  as  an 
introduction  to  an  occurrence  which  at  the  time,  and  since,  impressed  me 
as  being  very  ludicrous. 

When  supper  time  came,  a  large  party  of  us  were  seated  around  the 
table — the  rancher,  his  wife,  the  male  relatives,  the  farm  hands,  a  number 
of  lads  and  lasses,  and  myself.  Every  member  of  the  company,  with  the 
exception  of  myself,  was  Missourian  either  by  birth  or  parentage,  and  con- 
sequently they  were  wise  in  many  things  of  which  I  was  in  dense  ignorance  ; 
and  perhaps  vice  versa.  One  of  the  things  which  they  all  could  do,  and  I 
could  not,  was  hog-killing.  The  principal  dish  on  the  table  was  pork — the 
meat  of  the  unfortunate  slaughtered  that  evening ;  and  the  conversation, 
by  a  natural  fitness,  turned  on  the  best  method  of  dispatching  and  dress- 
ing the  animal.  I  remained  silent,  taking  no  part  in  the  conversation,  for 
fear  of  committing  myself  and  exposing  my  ignorance.  During  the  dis- 
cussion, which  had  taken  on  a  lively  turn,  the  rancher's  wife,  who  pre- 
sided at  the  head  of  the  table,  "tendin'  to  the  tea,"  spoke  up,  and  said  : 

"  I've  heern  tell  that  thar  be  people  as  can't  kill  a  hog." 

This  seemed  to  be  a  direct  shot  at  me,  and  I  could  feel  myself  blush, 
actually  blush,  in  the  consciousness  of  my  neglected  education.  It  seemed 
as  if  the  eyes  of  the  entire  company  were  centered  upon  me,  and  that 
there  was  nothing  for  it  but  a  full,  free,  and  frank  confession.  Casting 
my  eyes  downward  and  looking  squarely  on  the  piece  of  pork  on  my 
plate,  almost  expecting  that  it,  too,  would  be  startled  at  my  ignorance,  I 
faltered  out: 

"  Mrs.  Brown,  I — I — don't  know  how  to  kill  a  hog." 

"  Lor'  sakes ! "  exclaimed  the  old  lady,  and  her  hand  dropped  as  if 
nerveless  from  the  handle  of  the  tea-pot.  Then  she  raised  both  her  fat 
arms  on  high — and  I  have  never  seen  on  another  human  countenance  such 
a  vivid  expression  of  mingled  pity  and  contempt  as  was  depicted  on  hers 
— and  while  an  awful  and  impressive  silence  reigned  around  the  table,  she 
sighed  deeply,  and  said  : 

"Lor'  sakes!  what  was  your  folks  a-thinkin'  of  when  they  raised 
you?  Why,  thar  aint  a  gal  on  this  ranch  as  can't  kill  and  dress  a  hog!  " 

The  only  reply  I  could  command  at  the  time  was,  that  I  was  born  an 
orphan,  and  had  not  had  the  advantages  of  a  Missourian  education. 

"Wai,  you  air  to  be  pitied,  sure  enough,"  said  the  mouth-piece  of  the 
family ;  and  I  fancied  that  during  the  rest  of  the  evening  she  gazed  at  me 
continuously  with  a  motherly  expression  of  commiseration.  I  turned  the 
conversation  on  the  best  method  of  sowing  straw  and  sundry  other  agri- 
cultural topics,  in  which,  I  hope,  I  showed  myself  to  be  more  at  home  than 
on  the  hog  question. 


"STUB."  33 


A   Dead-Letter  Office. 

On  the  return  trip  of  Stub's  Express  I  was  the  only  passenger,  and 
Stub  entertained  me  with  various  reminiscences  of  the  early  days  of  the 
section  and  in  "  pointing  out  the  country."  In  the  hills  in  sight  from  the 
valley  there  had  been  at  an  earlier  date  several  mining  excitements — that 
is,  supposed  important  discoveries  of  mines — which,  being  heralded  from 
camp  to  camp  and  from  town  to  town,  had  brought  about  an  excitement 
and  a  rush  to  the  new  diggings.  These  "stampedes"  had  resulted  in  the 
hurried  building  of  towns,  the  establishment  of  mail  routes,  and  all  the 
various  preparations  for  the  founding  of  mining  cities,  many  of  which, 
like  mushrooms,  come  up  in  a  night  and  go  down  to  oblivion  in  an  equal 
space  of  time.  Such  had  been  the  fate  of  the  camps  in  the  range  of  mount- 
ains bordering  Reese  River  Valley,  and  at  the  time  of  which  I  write  they 
were  all  deserted  by  human  beings,  and  the  houses  which  had  made  them 
towns  had  been  hauled  away  to  build  up  other  new  camps.  Passing  a 
certain  mountain  peak,  Stub  pointed  his  finger  at  it,  and  said : 

"  Over  yonder  thar  is  the  old  Washington  Deestrick.  It  was  a 
lively  camp  in  its  time.  They  had  croppin's  that  was  mighty  rich  with 
silver,  but  the  ledges  didn't  pan  out  wuth  a  cuss.  They  built  a  town  thar, 
and  was  goin'  to  have  a  city  hall,  and  a  couple  of  dance-houses,  and  seven 
or  eight  quartz-mills,  and  a  daily  mail  and  express,  and  mebbe  they  even 
figgered  on  a  church  and  a  school-house,  but  the  mines  petered  out  kind 
of  suddin  like.  I  was  in  thar  one  day,  and  the  boys  was  playin'  poker  at 
four  bits  ante  and  shove  the  buck,  and  whisky  was  a  flowin'  like  this  here 
Reese  River — and  that  very  next  mornin'  the  camp  went  down  like  a  stun 
in  a  pond,  and  you  could  buy  the  best  corner  lot  in  the  place  for  about  two 
dollars  in  money.  They  did  git  a  post-office  established  thar,  and  it's  on  this 
here  mail -route  yet,  but  I  don't  run  over  thar,  though  the  contract  calls  for 
it.  The  postmaster  was  the  last  man  to  leave  the  place;  he  got  twelve  dollars 
a  year  and  he  wanted  to  stick  to  a  Guv'ment  situation,  but  he  got  killed 
one  day  by  a  tree  fallin'  down  a-top  of  him.  Some  herders  goin'  through 
thar  found  him  a-lyin'  dead  on  the  ground.  Thar  was  pritty  nigh  all  of 
him  thar,  cause  the  tree  kivered  the  body  so  the  coyotes  couldn't  git  at 
all  of  him.  They  buried  him  with  his  clothes  on.  The  key  of  the  post- 
office  was  in  his  breeches  pocket,  and  when  they  buried  him  they  buried 
the  whdle  postoffice,  and  it's  a  dead-letter  office  now." 


Stub  as  a  Fiddler. 

Stub's  forte — that  is,  his  chief  delight — is  in  playing  the  fiddle.    He 
only  knows  two  tunes,  but  he  subjects  them  to  all  the  variations  that  cat- 
gut and  horsehair  can  extract  from  them.     Give  Stub  his  fiddle  and  a 
3 


34  THE  SAZERAO  LYING    CLUB. 

company  of  young  folks  at  a  ranch  on  the  river,  and  let  them  get  up  a 
dance,  with  Stub  to  furnish  the  music  and  call  the  figures,  and  he  is  in  his 
element  of  glory.  If  Stub  happens  to  be  in  town  when  there  is  a  public 
ball,  and  is  allowed  to  call  the  figures  for  a  quadrille,  he  is  in  the  seventh 
heaven  of  delight.  On  such  occasions  Stub  "  dresses  up."  Usually,  he 
presents  a  shabby  appearance,  and  carries  the  odor  acquired  from  sleep- 
ing with  his  horses.  But  when  there  is  any  dancing  going  on,  he  is  trans- 
formed into  absolute  gorgeousness.  The  pride  of  his  heart  is  a  velvet 
vest  of  many  colors,  made  by  a  tailor  to  Stub's  special  order,  and  after  a 
model  of  his  own  designing.  Stub  is  proud  of  this  garment,  but  the  par- 
ticular part  of  it  which  he  thinks  should  challenge  the  admiration  of  all 
beholders  is  a  narrow  strap  which  buttons  on  each  side  of  the  collar,  and 
on  which  is  pinned  a  golden  horse.  Arrayed  in  this  vest,  a  linen  duster,  a 
pair  of  pants  turned  up  at  the  bottoms,  carpet  slippers  and  clean  white 
socks,  and  on  his  head  a  curly  chestnut  wig,  Stub  is  a  sight  to  behold,  and 
just  about  that  time  would  not  change  places  with  the  Czar  of  all  the  Rus- 
sias.  He  seldom  joins  in  the  dance ;  but  there  was  an  occasion  when  he 
ventured  on  the  floor,  and  while  trying  to  execute  some  very  artistic  and 
elaborate  pigeon-wing,  came  to  grief.  His  wig  came  off,  and  there  was 
exposed  to  the  vulgar  gaze  a  head  as  bare  of  hair  and  as  shiny  as  a  bill- 
iard ball.  Stub  didn't  laugh  for  full  five  minutes. 


Stub's   Birthday. 

Once  upon  a  time  Stub  had  a  birthday.  As  the  day  approached,  he 
concluded  to  celebrate  it  by  a  dance  that  should  astonish  the  natives.  In 
pursuance  of  this  plan  he  prepared  an  advertisement  for  insertion  in  the 
REVEILLE,  and  brought  it  to  the  office  for  publication,  saying  he  had  "writ 
it  all  out  of  his  own  head."  The  advertisement  was  as  follows : 

HURRAH  FOR  STUB'S  DANCE! 

STUB  WILL  HAVE  A  GRAND  BALL 
at  International  Hotel  of  Austin,  Nevada,  on 
the  night  of  his  Birthday,  which  will  be  on 
the 

26th  of  May,  1876. 

Stub  gives  a  general  invitation  to  all  the 
Ladies  and  Gents  of  Austin,  and  also  through- 
out the  whole  country,  for  all  hands  to  come. 

Ball  Room  Directors : 

For  President, . 

Officer  of  the  Hall, . 

Floor  Directors, , , . 

Floor  Managers, , , . 

For  Inspector, . 

For  Door  Tender, . 

Special  invitation  for  all  the  ladies  is  given  by  Stub  to 
be  on  hand.    Good  Music  in  attendance. 

ap26-td  STUB,  Proprietor. 


"ST&JB."  35 

The  places  in  the  above  which  are  marked  thus,  — ,  were  in  the 
advertisement  as  it  appeared  in  the  paper  filled  with  the  names  of  the 
principal  business  men  of  the  town.  Strange  to  say,  they  were  not  at  all 
flattered  by  the  honor  done  them ;  and  on  the  following  day  several  of 
them  called  on  the  editor  with  clubs,  and  remonstrated  with  him. 

The  dance  came  off  according  to  announcement,  and  was  a  comical 
affair.  Stub  was  so  anxious  to  secure  a  large  attendance  that  he  had  given 
nearly  every  man  in  town  a  complimentary  ticket.  He  had  gone  to  an 
expense  of  a  couple  of  hundred  dollars  for  hall-rent,  music,  printing  and 
advertising,  etc.,  and  there  was  not  to  exceed  ten  dollars  taken  in  at  the 
door,  although  the  attendance  was  very  large.  The  ball  was,  financially, 
a  failure ;  but  socially,  from  Stub's  standpoint,  it  was  a  grand  success.  To 
give  an  idea  of  Stub's  style,  I  reproduce  an  item  published  in  the  RE- 
VEILLE about  this  time : 

STUB  AS  A  CALLER.— Stub  has  had  a  great  deal  of  experience  as  a 
caller  of  the  figures  in  quadrilles,  and  most  of  them  are  original  and  pecu- 
liar to  himself.  Stub  will  call  at  the  grand  ball  to  be  given  by  himself  at 
International  Hall  on  the  26th  instant,  and  those  who  attend  may  expect 
to  have  their  ears  regaled  with  some  novel  directions.  The  story  is  told, 
that,  some  time  ago,  at  a  dance  at  lone,  there  was  a  young  lady  on  the 
floor  who  wore  a  red  calico  dress  with  a  brown  stripe  down  the  back,  and 
Stub,  who  was  calling  the  figures,  yelled  out :  "  Balance  to  that  line-back 
heifer ! "  If  there  is  one  thing  more  than  another  that  Stub  is  noted  for, 
it  is  the  exquisite  refinement  of  his  language. 

At  his  birthday  dance  Stub  fully  sustained  his  reputation  as  a  unique 
and  original  master  of  unpolluted  English. 


Stub's   Name. 

How  Stub  came  to  be  dubbed  "  Stub  "  is  a  matter  that  is  shrouded 
in  impenetrable  mystery.  His  real  name  is  Charles  Burns,  but  he  has  been 
called  Stub  for  so  long  a  time  that  he  would  not  answer  to  Charles  Burns 
if  that  name  was  shouted  in  his  ear  through  a  speaking-trumpet  or  a  tele- 
phone. He  is  very  reticent  about  the  acquisition  of  his  non-baptismal 
name,  and  refuses  to  be  interviewed  on  the  subject.  It  is  related  of  him 
that  he  once  went  all  through  the  town  of  lone  looking  for  himself.  Let- 
ters for  lone  and  other  places  on  his  route  are  frequently  handed  into  the 
office  of  his  express,  (which  is  in  one  of  the  principal  stores)  for  personal 
delivery  by  the  driver.  These  are  put  into  a  way-sack,  and  at  each  ranch 
or  stopping-place  Stub  sorts  them  over,  and  picks  out  and  delivers  such  as 
may  be  destined  for  that  particular  place.  On  one  occasion  there  was  a 
letter  in  the  sack  directed  to  "  Charles  Burns,  lone,"  and  it  is  asserted 


36  THE   SAZEEAO  LYING    CLUB. 

that  Stub  went  to  every  saloon  and  every  residence  and  boarding  house 
in  the  town,  and  inquired  of  the  inmates  if  they  knew  a  "  feller  "  named 
Charles  Burns.  At  last  a  man  who  happened  to  remember  Stub's  original 
patronym  said  :  "  Charles  Burns  ?  Why,  Stub,  that  must  be  you." 

"  Well,  I'll  be  dog-goned  if  it   aint !  "  said  Stub,  "  but  why  can't 
people  write  to  a  feller  by  the  name  he  goes  by  ?  " 


Ifart  ¥. 

k:qd  Otljer'wi^e. 


A  bare  record  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club's  doings  as  extracted  from 
the  minutes  would  be  too  monotonous  for  family  perusal,  so  I  have  thought 
it  better  to  make  a  choice  selection  of  them,  duly  crediting  each  one  to 
Hs  author,  and  carefully  guarding  against  the  insertion  of  a  truth.  Not 
that  such  an  adulteration  ever  occurred,  for  no  member  was  known  to  be 
guilty  of  such  a  transgression ;  but  my  own  regard  for  facts  might  unwit- 
tingly lead  me  into  the  pit-fall  of  interspersing  the  best  stories  of  the 
Club  with  some  of  my  own. 

Matters  had  been  very  quiet  in  the  Club  for  some  time,  but  a  member 
confidentially  informed  me  that  when  the  boys  got  paid  off  they  would 
make  Rome  howl.  Consequently  an  exciting  session  was  to  be  anticipated 
that  evening.  They  expected,  he  said,  to  initiate  a  new  member,  who  was 
prepared  to  take  his  solemn  oath  that  he  saw  a  man  fall  3,000  feet  down  an 
incline  without  touching  its  sides,  top,  or  bottom,  and  that  when  his  fel- 
low workmen  reached  him  he  was  lighting  his  pipe  with  his  candle,  which 
he  had  held  in  his  hand,  and  which  was  not  extinguished  during  the  de- 
scent. The  investigating  committee  had  reported  favorably  on  the  man's 
application  for  admission,  because  they  thought  that  was  something  like  a 
reasonable  lie.  It  should  be  remarked,  that,  by  a  rule  of  the  Club,  no  mem- 
ber is  allowed  to  tell  a  lie  which  might  not  have  been  true  had  such  an  oc- 
currence taken  place. 

On  the  evening  in  question,  I  was  on  hand  early,  but  although  it  was  not 
yet  seven  o'clock  the  Club  had  already  organized,  Mr.  G.  Washington 
Fibley,  the  President,  occupying  his  usual  position  in  the  chair.  As  it  was 
the  opening  night  of  the  session,  after  calling  the  roll,  the  President  ad- 
dressed a  few  remarks  to  the  Club  as  follows  :  "  Fellow-members  of  the  Ly- 
ing Club — I  have  noticed  that  it  has  of  late  become  the  custom  with  certain 
newspapers  to  propose  for  membership  in  this  Club  every  scrub  liar  that 
turns  up.  This  betrays  a  gross  misapprehension  of  the  objects  of  this  noble 
order.  As  you  are  all  aware,  the  objects  of  this  Club  are  mental  culture 


38  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

and  mutual  improvement ;  we  do  not  lie  for  greed  or  gain,  nor  do  we  tol- 
erate that  class  of  liars  who  by  word  of  mouth  deceive  their  fellow-men 
for  selfish  or  for  wicked  ends.  No,  members  of  the  Club,  while  we  per- 
mit a  range  of  thought  extending  far  away  into  the  most  distant  depths 
of  the  realm  of  the  impossible  and  the  improbable,  we  do  not  stoop  to  the 
lie  of  deceit ;  we  ask  no  man  to  place  implicit  belief  in  our  lies — but  if 
any  man  does  so  believe,  he  sustains  no  injury.  There,  hanging  on  yonder 
wall,  is  the  picture  of  that  noble  man  and  illustrious  patriot,  G.  Wash- 
ington, Esq.,  in  the  very  act  of  tackling  the  cherry  tree.  He  could  not 
tell  a  lie  about  who  cut  down  that  tree  ;  but,  my  fellow-members,  does  any 
man  here  present,  who  possesses  ordinary  human  reasoning,  believe  that 
if  G.  Washington  had  heard  a  man  tell  about  catching  an  eleven-pound 
trout,  he  wouldn't  have  raised  him  a  pound  or  two,  even  if  he  had  never 
seen  a  trout  in  all  his  born  days  ?  The  first  lie  of  the  evening  is  now  in 
order,  and  I  hope  members  will  restrain  their  narrations  within  the  bounds 
required  by  our  constitution  and  by-laws." 

These  remarks  being  duly  applauded,  the  President,  by  virtue  of  his 
rank,  was  called  on  for  the  first  lie.  This  is  a  synopsis  of  what  he  said, 
and  it  is  on  the  records  under  the  title  of 


Oozed   Into   Him. 

While  on  a  recent  journey  to  San  Francisco,  he  shared  a  section  in 
the  sleeping  car  with  one  of  the  Comstock  bonanza  kings.  The  monarch 
occupied  the  upper  berth,  and  the  President  of  the  Club  the  lower  one. 
When  the  latter  arrived  in  San  Francisco  he  felt  a  peculiar  heaviness  in 
his  body  and  limbs,  his  arms  and  legs  especially  l?eing  so  weighty  that  he 
was  hardly  able  to  control  their  motions.  He  visited  a  prominent  physi- 
cian, who,  after  diagnosing  his  case,  told  him  he  displayed  symptoms  of 
metallic  poisoning,  and  advised  him.  to  go  to  the  Hammam,  a  bathing 
establishment  of  that  name,  and  get  "retorted."  He  accordingly  went  to 
that  institution  and  took  a  Turkish  bath ;  and  when  his  pores  began  to 
open,  silver  oozed  out  of  his  body,  like  quicksilver  going  through  a  rag. 
Altogether,  he  cleaned  up  a  bar  valued  at  $417.92  and  a  fraction.  He 
says  the  silver  must  have  oozed  into  him  from  the  bonanza  king  in  the 
berth  above,  that  night  on  the  sleeper. 

The  admiration  that  this  story  aroused  was  almost  enthusiastic,  and 
when  the  applause  had  subsided,  a  member,  hitherto  unknown  to  general 
fame,  broached  the  subject  of 

Cleopatra's   Needle. 

He  said  that  he  had  seen  the  obelisk  at  Cairo,  (Illinois)  and  declared 
that  it  was  over  two  hundred  feet  long,  and  had  an  eye  which  even  a  camel 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  3i) 


. 


uld  go  through ;  at  which  statement  the  oldest  member  of  the  Club 
handed  in  his  resignation.  "  There  ought  to  be  a  limit  to  all  things,  and 
a  story  of  a  needle  of  that  size  was  too  much  even  for  a  lying  club.  Might 
he  ask  the  size  and  shape  of  Cleopatra,  and  who  in  thunder  Cleopatra  was, 
anyway,  that  she  required  such  a  needle  as  that  ? "  The  President  in- 
formed the  indignant  member  that  Cleopatra  was  a  colored  woman  who 
nursed  General  George  Washington  when  he  was  an  infant ;  he  (the  Presi- 
dent) was  well  acquainted  with  her,  and  had  lived  in  the  same  town  with 
her  in  Old  Virginia. 

This  indorsement  from  the  President  calmed  the  ruffled  feelings  of 
the  oldest  member,  and  Cleopatra's  Needle  naturally  suggested  to  another 
gentleman  present 

A   Fossiliferous   Lie. 

He  had  been  reading  that  newspaper  paragraph  which  tells  that  a 
snail  from  the  Egyptian  Desert  was  found  to  be  alive  after  having  been 
glued  for  four  years  to  a  tablet  in  the  British  Museum ;  but  said  he, 
"There's  nothing  remarkable  about  that.  It  isn't  a  circumstance  to  an 
experience  of  mine.  Once,  while  mining  in  the  limestone  over  in  White 
Pine,  I  blasted  out  a  fossil  snail,  which  I  kept  for  a  cabinet  specimen,  and 
one  day  it  crawled  out  of  the  cabinet  and  bored  itself  back  into  the  lime- 
stone where  it  had  been  imbedded  for  thirty  thousand  years  before  com- 
ing into  my  possession." 

The  impartial  reader  is  left  to  judge  whether  the  English  or  the 
American  lie  is  the  most  entitled  to  credence. 

Reading  communications  being  next  in  order,  the  President  arose  and 
said  that  a  gentleman  residing  in  Virginia  City  sent  in  the  name  of  an  ap- 
plicant for  membership,  and  that  his  qualifications  for  admission  were  as 
follows :  The  applicant  was  riding  on  the  Virginia  and  Truckee  Railroad, 
between  Virginia  and  Carson,  when  a  lady  from  Ohio  asked  him  if  he  had 
ever  seen  another  railroad  as  crooked  as  the  V.  &  T.  "  Certainly,"  replied 
he ;  "  back  in  the  Pennsylvania  coal  regions  there  is  a  railroad  so  crooked 
that  on  some  of  the  curves  they  are  obliged  to  uncouple  the  rear  car  to 
prevent  its  colliding  with  the  locomotive."  The  lady  bowed,  and  said 
that  would  do  very  well  for  crookedness ;  but  she  was  heard  to  remark  to 
her  husband  that  if  the  bonanzas  in  Nevada  were  as  big  as  the  liars,  it  was 
no  wonder  there  was  a  heavy  discount  on  silver. 

This  lie  was  received  in  solemn  silence,  followed  by  a  murmur  of  con- 
tempt ;  and  on  motion  of  Uncle  John  Gibbons  the  application  was  unani- 
mously rejected.  No  other  communication  having  been  received,  and  the 
proceedings  growing  somewhat  tame,  the  President  asked  if  any  one  could 
name  the  author  of  the  following,  which  he  had  seen  in  a  San  Francisco 
paper : 


40  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"While  the  P.  M.  S.  S.  Orizaba  was  on  a  recent  voyage  from  Portland, 
Oregon,  to  San  Francisco,  during  the  recent  gales,  the  vessel  was  carried 
on  the  top  of  a  big  wave  as  high  as  Mount  Davidson,  and  came  down  with 
such  force  that  the  hull  was  buried  eight  feet  deep  in  the  sand  at  the  bot- 
tom of  the  ocean.  She  stuck  fast,  and  the  sailors  had  to  go  down  over 
the  side  and  shovel  her  out  before  she  could  proceed  on  her  journey." 

As  no  one  could  place  this  magnificent  specimen  of  nautical  fiction, 
and  several  members  pleaded  prior  engagements  to  a  poker  party,  the 
Club  adjourned,  subject  to  the  call  of  the  President. 


The  Catfish. 

"Has  any  member  anything  to  offer  under  the  order  of  business, 
4  Welfare  of  the  Club '  ?  "  said  the  President,  laying  his  pipe  in  the  stove- 
hearth,  and  taking  a  "plug"  of  "sweet  navy"  from  his  pocket  and  biting 
off  a  piece. 

"  Mr.  President,  give  us  a  chaw,"  remarked  Mr.  Thirsty. 

"  Sartingly,"  replied  the  Chair,  as  he  handed  the  plug  to  him  of  the 
arid  name,  "  but  did  the  gentlemen  present  hear  my  observation  about 
the  order  of  business  ?  " 

"  I  heerd  it,"  returned  Mr.  T.,  "  and  will  take  it  up  in  due  course  as 
soon  as  I  have  disposed  of  the  business  in  hand ;  I  believe  it  was  Solomon 
who  said,  '  No  man  can  do  two  things  to  onc't.' "     Then  he  carefully  and 
deliberately  bit  off  a  "  chaw  "  of  the  "  navy,"  handed  the  plug  back  to  the « 
President,  "posed"  his  feet  on  the  stove,  and  proceeded  as  follows : 

"Mr.  President,  you  and  all  the  members  here  present  knows"  that 
there  is  a  proposition  on  foot  in  this  here  town  to  "plant  catfish  in  Reese 
River.  I  don't  s'pose  thar's  a  gentleman  now  sittin'  round  this  here  stove 
what  isn't  acquainted  with  the  catfish ;  they  is  not  indigen-oo»us  to  this 
country,  but  we  all  knowed  them  in  our  childhood's  days  of  innocence 
back  yonder  in  the  '  States.'  The  history  of  this  movement  about  which 
I  make  reference — to  wit,  the  plantin'  of  catfish  in  Reese  River — is  about 
the  size  of  this :  When  the  railroad  was  built  from  the  States  out  here, 
the  people  what  had  been  out  here  since  forty-nine  begin  to  have  a  hank- 
erin'  for  the  luxuries  of  their  youth.  It's  a  well-settled  principle,  Mr. 
President,  that  anything  we  was  fond  of  in  the  eatin'  line,  when  we  was 
boys,  tastes  better  when  tasted  through  the  vista  of  years  than  the  most 
luxurious  livin'  a  hash-house  can  afford  when  we  have  become  men  of  the 
world  and  drained  the  cup  of  luxury  down  to  its  very  dregs.  I  want  to 
know  if  there  is  any  whisky  these  days  in  this  here  country  what  tastes  as 
sweet  and  contains  as  active  a  intoxicatin'  principle  as  the  clear  juice  of 
the  grain  we  used  to  git  back  home  when  we  was  jest  emergin'  into  man- 
hood ;  is  thar  any  cider  seen  now-a-days  as  is  half  so  sweet  as  we  used  to 
git  it  suckin'  it  through  a  straw  in  the  days  gone  by?  No,  sir;  not  much! 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  41 

"Well,  as  I  was  a-sayin',  the  people  of  this  coast,  when  they  was  placed 
in  easy  communication  with  the  *  States,'  commenced  to  hanker  for  the 
good  things  of  their  youth,  and  the  result  was  a  natural  one,  'cordin'  to  the 
laws  of  supply  and  demand.  There  was  a  demand  for  certain  things  in  this 
country,  and  people  in  the  *  States'  commenced  a-shippin'  of  that  class  of 
articles  to  this  coast  over  the  railroad.  The  consequence  was  winter 
apples,  ches'nuts,  big  oysters,  eels,  travelin'  lecturers,  catfish,  and  various 
other  articles  what  this  country  don't  produce  of  its  own  accord.  Some 
fellers  they  brought  out  a  lot  of  catfish  and  planted  'em  in  the  Sacramento 
River,  and  the  cats  they  growed  and  increased  and  multiplied  the  earth, 
so  to  speak,  till  thar  was  a  surplus  of  'em  in  Californy.  Now  when  Cali- 
forny  has  got  more  of  a  good  thing  than  she  wants  herself,  she  sells  the 
surplus  to  Nevada,  at  a  pretty  considerable  figger  of  profit ;  and  these  fel- 
lers what  was  runnin'  this  catfish  business,  they  advertised  for  sealed  pro- 
posals from  anybody  who  had  any  streams  they  wanted  stocked  with  them 
kind  of  fish.  This  comin'  under  the  eye  of  the  enterprisin'  citizens  of  this 
here  town,  they  made  up  a  purse  and  ordered  a  lot  of  the  fish  for  plantin' 
in  Reese  River.  This  is  the  history  of  the  case,  and  it  remains  for  the 
members  of  this  here  Club  to  discuss  the  subjeck." 

A  profound  silence  reigned  for  a  few  moments  after  Mr.  Thirsty  had 
concluded  his  remarks ;  and  then  a  member,  who  has  been  seven  times  de- 
feated for  the  Presidency  of  the  Club,  on  account  of  his  disposition  to  cast 
doubts  on  the  veracity  of  members,  knocked  the  ashes  out  of  his  pipe, 
rested  his  elbows  on  his  knees,  and  his  head  between  his  hands,  and  said  : 
"Gentlemen,  I've  got  my  doubts  about  the  feasibility  of  this  here 
project.  S'pose  they  git  the  fish  and  put  them  in  the  river,  how  is  they 
gom'  to  git  a  livin' ?  Thar's  nothin'  in  thar  for  them  to  eat,  and  the 
whole  fit-out  will  die  of  starvation." 

"  Sho ! "  exclaimed  Old  Dad ;  "  catfish  will  eat  anything,  from  a 
shingle-nail  up  to  a  horse-shoe.  Why,  when  I  was  back  home  my  father 
bought  a  catfish  from  a  nigger  for  a  picayune,  and  when  we  come  to  open 
it  thar  was  a  gold  watch  and  chain  worth  two  hundred  and  ninety  dollars 
and  a  note  of  hand  for  sixty- three  dollars,  twenty-seven  cents,  ag'in  the 
richest  man  in  the  county,  inside  of  it." 

"  I  s'pose  your  father  got  on  a  horse  and  searched  the  county  to  hunt 
up  the  owner  of  that  watch  and  chain,  didn't  he?"  sneeringly  asked  the 
Doubter. 

"  Not  much,"  angrily  returned  Dad.  "  Look  at  me,  and  then  tell  me 
if  yoa  s'pose  my  father  was  a  nat'ral-borned  fool.  No,  sir — not  much ;  he 
kept  the  watch  and  collected  the  note  and  the  interest  on  it,  which  had 
been  runnin'  seven  years." 

"  Niggers  is  great  hands  for  ketchin'  catfish,"  remarked  the  Presi- 
dent, at  this  stage  of  the  proceedings.  "  When  I  was  a  boy  back  yonder, 
we  had  a  nigger  on  our  place  what  could  beat  the  oldest  man  in  the  coun- 


42  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

try  at  enticin'  of  catfish.    You  all  know  that  thar's  a  good  many  ways  to 
ketch  catfish,  but  this  here  darkey  done  it  by  charmin'  of  'em." 

"  Charmin'  of  'em ! "  exclaimed  the  entire  Club,  in  chorus. 

"  Yes,  sir,  charmin'  of  'em,  that's  what  I  said,"  resumed  the  Chair. 

<c  You  see  this  here  darkey  had  a  most  pecooliar  whistle,  and  he  used 
to  charm  'em  with  a  whistle,  and  many  and  many's  the  time  I've  seed  him 
do  it.  Our  place  was  close  to  the  river  bank,  and  us  boys  used  to  go  down 
thar  and  dig  a  big  hole  about  ten  feet  away  from  the  stream  ;  then  we'd 
dig  a  ditch  runnin'  from  the  river  into  the  hole,  and  another  runnin'  out  of 
the  hole  into  the  river.  We'd  fix  gates  to  both  ditches,  and  when  we  got 
all  ready  we'd  shet  the  gate  leadin'  out  of  the  hole,  and  open  the  one 
leadin'  into  it,  and  let  the  water  run  through  it  and  fill  up  the  hole.  Then 
the  black  boy  he'd  squat  on  a  log  and  whistle,  and  the  catfish  would  jest 
come  a-sailin'  in  through  that  ditch  inter  the  hole ;  and  thar  they'd  stay  as 
still  as  a  mice,  with  their  heads  a-stickin'  out  of  the  water,  and  list'nin'  to 
that  whistle  as  interested-like  as  if  they  was  at  a  circus  and  it  was  the 
fust  one  they  had  ever  seed.  When  thar  was  as  many  fish  in  the  hole  as 
the  seats  could  accommerdate,  one  of  the  boys  he'd  run  down  and  shet  the 
gate  leadin'  from  the  river,  and  another  he'd  lift  the  gate  leadin'  from  the 
hole,  and  of  course  the  water  would  commence  dreenin'  out  of  the  hole. 
But  them  thar  bull-heads  would  stay  right  thar  with  their  heads  out  of  the 
water,  never  noticin'  nothin'  but  that  whistlin',  till  the  first  thing  they 
knowed  their  tails  struck  gravel.  They'd  want  to  take  the  back  track 
then,  but  twar'nt  no  use ;  they  didn't  have  swimmin'  room,  and  us  boys 
we'd  jest  light  inter  the  hole  and  capture  every  dog-goned  one  of  'em,  and 
what  we  couldn't  eat  fresh  up  to  the  house  we'd  pickle  down  for  the  win- 
ter, besides  havin'  enough  material  from  the  insides  to  manure  fifteen  or 
twenty  acres  of  'taters." 

"  A  valuable  nigger,"  observed  the  Doubter,  when  the  President  had 
concluded. 

"  Yes,  he  was  vallerble,"  replied  the  President,  "  but  we  never  got  no 
money  out  of  him.  The  neighbors  concluded  that  if  that  thar  nigger  was 
allowed  to  keep  on,  thar  wouldn't  be  any  more  catfish  left  in  the  stream  in 
a  little  while,  so  enticin'  him  out  for  a  coon  hunt  one  night,  they  hung  him 
to  a  lim',  and  pinned  a  paper  on  his  coat  sayin',  in  big  letters, '  A  Warnin' 
to  Whistlin'  Niggers.' " 

"  Mr.  President,  have  you  said  your  say  on  the  catfish  ?  "  inquired  a 
member  who  to  all  appearance  had  been  asleep  during  the  foregoing  nar- 
ration. 

"  I've  said  my  say,"  replied  the"  Chair. 

"  Wai,  Mr.  President,  and  gentlemen,  thar's  more  than  one  way  of 
doin'  the  same  thing,  as  you  all  will  acknowledge,  and  now,  with  the  con- 
sent of  the  Club,  I'll  tell  how  we  used  to  ketch  catfish  back  whar  I  used 
to  live." 

"  Does  the  gentleman  have  consent  ?  "  queried  the  Chair. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  43 

"  He  do,"  returned  one  of  the  members. 

"  The  gentleman  has  unanimous  consent,  and  he  will  proceed  on  the 
catfish  question,"  announced  the  Chair. 

"  Back  in  the  States  whar  I  used  to  live,  the  country  was  alive  with 
ground-hogs,  catfish,  and  niggers.  We  use'  to  set  the  niggers  to  ketchin' 
the  ground-hogs,  and  the  ground-hogs  to  ketchin'  the  catfish.  A  ground- 
hog is  a  animal  which  some  people  calls  a  porkypine,  and  they'll  make  a 
dog  think  he's  stuck  his  nose  inter  a  yaller-jacket's  nest;  they're  stickier 
than  them  prickly  pears  what  grows  in  the  deserts  around  this  section  of 
country.  Wai,  the  niggers  they'd  ketch  a  ground-hog,  and  us  boys  would 
take  a  hook  and  tie  about  three  yards  of  line  to  it,  and  stick  it  inter  the 
ground-hog's  back  and  chuck  him  inter  the  river,  and  while  he  was  swim- 
min'  around  and  strikin'  out  for  dry  land,  a  catfish  would  come  up  and  open 
that  thar  mouth  of  his'n,  and  down  would  go  Mister  ground-hog  inter  that 
fish's  insides.  He  is  a  energetic  cuss,  is  the  ground-hog,  and  loves  his  lib- 
erty just  like  a  human,  and  when  he  found  hisself  inside  that  fish,  he'd 
commence  lightin'  out  for  freedom ;  he'd  cut  his  way  through  that  thar 
catfish  in  about  thirty-three  seconds.  Of  course,  no  fish  ain't  goin'  to 
stand  a  hole  the  size  of  a  ground-hog  in  his  body,  and  'tain't  human  natur 
that  it  could  live  up  under  it,  and  pritty  soon  the  fish  would  come  belly-up 
on  the  water,  and  we'd  go  out  in  a  skift  and  yank  it  in,  and  the  porky- 
pine — as  some  people  call  it — he'd  go  sailin'  down  stream  to  do  the  thing 
over  ag'in  with  another  fish,  and  when  we  had  all  the  fish  we  wanted,  we'd 
row  the  skift  up  to  the  ground-hog  and  grab  the  piece  of  line,  and  snail 
him  inter  the  boat  and  give  him  to  the  niggers,  for  their  share  of  the  ketch." 

As  the  above  narration  drew  towards  a  close,  the  Doubter's  eyes  be- 
gan to  twinkle  and  his  lips  to  twitch,  and  every  member  present  knew  in- 
stinctively that  there  was  something  on  his  mind.  There  was.  Address- 
ing the  Chair,  he  said : 

"  May  I  ask  the  gentleman  who  preceded  me  a  trifling,  unimportant 
question  ?  " 

The  decision  of  the  Chair  being  called  for,  it  decided  to  suspend  the 
rules  and  allow  the  question  to  be  asked. 

"  All  I  want  to  know  is,  how  much  bigger  and  heavier  that  ground-hog 
was  when  he  had  got  through  catchin'  catfish,  than  he  was  when  he  com- 
menced." 

The  preceding  gentleman  didn't  think  he  could  answer  the  question, 
but  would  like  to  know  what  the  skeptic  was  driving  at  by  asking  it. 

"  Oh,  nothin'  much,"  was  the  reply,  "  only  I  thought  he  must  have 
swelled  considerable  from  eating  so  much  catfish,  and  I  was  a-wonderin' 
whether  the  darkeys  what  eat  him  didn't  git  about  as  much  catfish  to 
their  meal  as  they  did  ground-hog." 

Here  the  President's  gavel  fell.  Rising  to  his  feet,  and  taking  his 
quid  out  of  his  mouth  and  sticking  it  on  the  under  side  of  his  chair-seat,  he 
said: 


44  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club :  You  may,  perhaps,  have 
noticed  that,  during  the  discussion  this  evening,  I  have  permitted  a  wider 
latitude  than  is  actually  rulable  under  our  Constitution  and  by-laws.  I 
have  did  it  on  this  occasion  in  the  hope  that  the  gentleman  -what  is  contin- 
erly  castin'  doubts  on  the  remarks  of  members  might  receive  a  rebuke  what 
would  make  him  forever  after  hold  his  peace ;  but  I  see  it  is  leniency  thrown 
away,  and  from  this  on,  any  member  of  this  here  Club  what  asks  a  frivo- 
lous question  for  the  purpose  of  impeachin'  the  lie  of  a  brother  member, 
shall  be  considered  as  having  been  stuck  for  the  drinks  for  the  crowd. 
With  these  few  remarks  I  now  declare  the  Club  adjourned  for  the  evenin', 
and  if  any  member  has  the  wherewithal  in  his  clothes,  and  feels  inclined 
to  make  a  jingle  on  the  counter  for  that  purpose,  we  will  proceed  to  hold 
an  informal  session  at  the  bar." 

No  member  showing  a  willingness  to  make  the  jingle,  the  barkeeper 
said  he  guessed  he  would  stand  the  "  night-caps "  if  they  would  take  them 
"straight,"  and  not  bother  him  to  fix  mixed  drinks;  to  which  proposition 
they  all  hastily  assented,  and,  headed  by  their  presiding  officer,  filed  to  the 
bar  and  denominated  their  stimulant. 


An  Affectionate  Fish. 

On  the  evening  succeeding  that  on  which  the  proceedings  above  nar- 
rated were  had,  the  Club  assembled  around  the  stove  at  the  usual  hour, 
and  the  roll  being  called,  the  President  opened  the  meeting  with  a  few 
remarks,  as  follows : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club :  We  had  a  very  edifying 
meeting  last  night — one  which  reflected  the  utmost  credit  on  not  only  the 
members  engaged  in  the  debate,  but  on  the  Club  at  large,  and  which 
demonstrated  to  my  entire  satisfaction  that  as  liars  we  are  unapproach- 
able; that  interest  in  our  organization  is  still  maintained,  and  that  not- 
withstanding that  there  is  a  prospect  that  death  may  one  day  enter  our 
charmed  circle  and  carry  off  its  brightest  ornaments,  we  still  feel  that  the 
eyes  of  the  world  are  upon  us,  and  that  we  have  a  bounden  duty  to  per- 
form in  keeping  up  the  standard  of  American  lying.  The  subject  under 
discussion  last  night,  as  many  of  you  may  remember,  was  catching  fish  — 
catfish  in  particular.  Gentlemen,  there  is  nothing  which  affords  so  wide 
a  range  for  the  talents  of  the  liar,  which  offers  more  opportunities  for 
economizing  the  truth  as  the  subject  of  fishing.  Therefore,  should  mem- 
bers decide  to  continue  the  discussion  under  that  head,  the  Chair  will  not 
only  not  interpose  no  objections,  but  will  personally  see  to  it  that  mem- 
bers are  not  annoyed  with  interruptions  from  any  source,  either  within  or 
without  the  pale  of  this  Club." 

The  Chair,  as  it  concluded  the  above  remarks,  hitched  up  its  waist- 
band, threw  its  coat-tail  aside  so  as  to  display  the  ivory  handle  of  its  six- 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  45 

shooter,  and  bent  its  eyes  on  the  Doubter,  who  shrank  and  cowered  under 
the  searching  Presidential  gaze. 

"  Gentlemen,  are  you  ready  for  business  ?"  asked  the  Chair. 

"  We  are,"  replied  the  member  who  never  makes  any  remarks  except 
to  answer  the  President's  queries,  call  for  "  the  question,"  and  vote  aye 
and  no ;  but  always  tells  on  the  outside  what  splendid  arguments  we  had 
in  the  Club  last  night. 

"  Then  proceed,"  observed  the  Chair. 

Old  Dad  rose  up,  and  scratched  his  head,  and  then  sat  down  again, 
saying : 

"  I  pass." 

Then  a  newly  elected  member  squirted  a  stream  of  tobacco  juice  on 
Uncle  John's  rheumatic  foot,  and  said  : 

"  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen,  speaking  about  fish  and  other  ani- 
mals, don't  you  know  thar  is  some  animals  as  knows  as  much  as  a 
human  ?  " 

"  Some  humans,"  interrupted  the  Doubter ;  but  a  glance  from  the 
Chair  caused  him  to  subside. 

"  Yes,"  continued  the  new  comer,  "  some  brutes  knows  a  heap  ;  and 
not  only  that,  but  they  is  capable  of  feeling  attachment  and  affection. 
You  all  know  how  lovin'  a  dog  or  a  horse  can  be  to  his  master ;  but  'taint 
often  you  hear  tell  about  an  affectionate  fish.  Is  it,  Mr.  President  ?  " 

The  Chair  said:  "Not  very." 

"  Wai,  when  I  was  a  boy,  I  once  run  acrost  a  fish  what  was  stuck 
after  me  worse  than  a  boy  after  playin'  hookey.  I  was  visitin'  over  at  an 
uncle's  of  mine  what  lived  about  fourteen  miles  from  our  house  ;  and  one 
day,  when  I  was  down  to  the  crik,  I  seed  a  perch  in  the  water.  It  was 
a  awful  pritty  fish,  with  red  speckles  all  over  its  back,  and  as  shiny  as  a 
Carson  dollar.  I  was  goin'  to  run  up  to  the  house  for  a  hook  and  line, 
when  it  stuck  its  head  up  out  of  the  water,  and  looked  at  me  kind  of 
knowin'  like.  It  didn't  seem  to  be  a  bit  af eared  of  me  ;  and  when  I  stuck 
my  finger  down  to'rds  it,  it  snapped  and  nibbled  at  it  jest  like  you've  seen 
a  pet  rooster  do.  I  had  a  hunk  of  bread  and  'lasses  in  my  pocket — [I 
always  used  to  go  heeled  with  bread  and  'lasses  those  days,  for  fear  of 
accidents,  jest  as  I  go  heeled  now  with  a  six-shooter,  as  you  might  observe 
by  lookin'  close] — and  I  broke  off  some  crumbs,  and  give  'em  to  the  perch, 
and  he  eat  'em  out  of  my  hand  as  tame  as  a  kitten.  Then  I  put  my  hand 
under  him,  and  lifted  him  out  of  the  water,  and  stroked  him  down  the 
back,  jest  like  you  would  a  dog ;  but  he  never  fluttered,  but  lay  there  kind 
of  peaceful  like,  and  lookin'  up  inter  my  eyes,  as  though  he  liked  <hat  sort 
of  business.  Wai,  after  a  while  I  put  him  back  inter  the  water,  and  went 
up  to  the  house,  and  told  about  it ;  and  my  grandmother  on  nxy  father's 
side,  who  was  stoppin'  at  my  aunt  and  uncle's,  said  I  had  a  gift ;  that  she 
once  knowed  a  man  who  had  a  gift  like  that,  who  went  to  the  Sandwich 


46  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Islands,  and  charmed  rhinocerouses,  so  that  they  could  drive  'em  like 
horses  in  the  king's  carriage  ;  and  he'd  a  got  rich  at  it,  only  the  cannibals 
eat  him  up.  His  gift  was  only  for  dumb  animals,  and  didn't  have  no  effeck 
on  cannibals.  Wai,  I  used  to  go  down  to  the  crik  every  morning,  and 
feed  that  perch  ;  and  when  he'd  hear  me  a-comin',  he'd  commence  splashin' 
the  water  for  joy  and  gladness.  Finally,  one  day,  my  folks  sent  for  me  in 
a  hurry  to  come  home,  and  I  had  to  take  the  back  track  and  leave  my 
fish.  Gentlemen,  you  can  imagine  the  affection  of  that  fish  for  me  when  I 
tell  you  he  follered  me  home.  Yes,  sir,  actually  traveled  forty-three  miles 
afoot  to  our  house ;  and  when  I  got  up  one  mornin',  thar  he  was,  with  a 
willow  stuck  through  his  gills,  hangin'  on  to  the  latch  of  the  front  door." 

"Was  he  still  alive?"  asked  the  Doubter. 

"  Certainly  not,"  was  the  reply ;  "  do  you  s'pose  a  fish  could  travel 
fifty-four  miles  afoot,  and  stand  up  under  the  strain  ?  No,  sir,  he  was 
dead ;  but  a  finer  tastin'  fish  than  that  affectionate  creeter  was  when  he 
was  fried,  you  never  eat  in  your  life." 

The  Doubter  wanted  the  Chair's  permission  to  ask  how  the  narrator 
identified  the  perch  which  hung  on  the  latch -with  the  one  in  the  stream; 
but  was  unanimously  and  by  a  large  majority  ruled  out  of  order,  and  the 
Club  declared  adjourned. 

Applications  for  Membership. 

"  Mr.  Seccertary,  be  there  any  applications  for  membership  ?"  inquired 
the  President,  at  the  conclusion  of  the  roll-call. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  Secretary ;  "  here  is  two  applications  on  my 
desk." 

"  The  Seccertary  will  read." 

"  Here  is  one  from  a  feller  in  San  Francisco,  who  says  he's  a  news- 
paper editor,  and  therefore  duly  qual " 

"  Hold ! "  exclaimed  Old  Dad ;  "  them  newspaper  fellers  can't  lie." 

" I  beg  to  differ  with  the  gentleman,"  remarked  the  Doubter;  "I  was 
readin'  of  an  account  in  a  paper  this  mornin'  relatin'  of  a  occurrence 
whereby  a  young  lady  run  a  needle  into  her  foot  a  great  many  years  ago, 
and  after  she  had  got  married  and  her  children  had  got  married  and  had 
children,  that  thar  needle  one  day  came  out  of  the  top  of  one  of  her  grand- 
children's head — a  leetle  bit  rusted,  of  course,  but  the  same  identical 
needle.  Now  if  that  aint  a  lie,  I'd  like  to  know  what  you  call  it." 

"  Sho  ! "  said  Dad  ;  <{  that's  a  common  occurrence  ;  why,  back  in  the 
States  I  knowed  a  woman  what  swallowed  a " 

"  I  move  the  previous  question,  and  call  for  the  decision  of  the  Chair 
on  the  newspaper  man,"  interrupted  the  Doubter. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  the  President,  clearing  his  throat  and  winking  at 
the  barkeeper,  who  understood  the  hint,  and  proceeded  to  fix  it  up,  with  a 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  47 

little  sour  in  it,  "  gentlemen,  this  here  question  of  the  admission  of  news- 
paper editors  into  this  here  Club,  is  one  of  the  gravest  as  has  ever  dis- 
turbed our  deliberations.  It  has  been  held  by  competent  authority  that 
editors  can't  lie.  For  myself  I'm  not  prepared  to  speak  on  the  subjeck  ; 
but  in  giving  my  decision  on  this  here  point,  I  will  simply  refer  members 
to  article  hunderd  and  nineteen  of  our  constitution  and  by-laws,  which 
expressly  forbids  and  prohibits  the  admission  of  professional  liars  into 
membership  in  this  here  Club.  Them's  my  sentiments,  and  the  Secretary 
will  proceed  with  that  there  other  application." 

The  Secretary,  who  had  just  had  his  "pedro"  caught,  arose  from  the 
table,  and  holding  the  remaining  cards  up  towards  the  Chair,  said  : 

"  I  hold  in  my  hand  an  application  for  membership  from  a  gentleman 
as  signs  himself  Honorable  Ananias  Truefact.  He's  a  stranger  in  town,  but 
has  jest  caught  my  pedro  nevertheless,  and  this  is  him  settin'  at  this  here 
table." 

"  Are  his  qualifications  for  membership  stated  in  writing  in  his  ap- 
plication ?  "  queried  the  Chair. 

"  No,"  replied  the  Secretary,  "but  he  has  informed  me  in  confidence 
that  he  was  borned  with  an  impediment  in  his  speech  which  positively 
prevents  his  tellin'  the  truth." 

The  question  was  put  on  the  admission  of  Mr.  Truefact,  and  carried, 
with  but  one  dissenting  vote.  That  one  was  cast  by  the  Doubter,  who  in 
explanation  of  his  vote  stated  that  he  didn't  "  take  no  stock  in  natural 
but  only  in  cultivated  liars." 


The  New  Member  Speaks. 

On  the  announcement  of  the  vote,  the  newly  elected  member  was  in- 
vited to  enter  the  charmed  circle,  requested  to  sign  the  constitution  and 
by-laws,  and  questioned  by  the  Chair  as  to  his  ability  to  comply  with  the 
rule  requiring  newly  elected  members  to  "  set  them  up  for  the  boys." 

The  stranger  did  not  look  like  a  Bonanza  King,  or  a  bloated  bond- 
holder or  monopolist,  or  an  aristocrat,  and  as  he  arose  to  answer  the 
Chair's  query  as  to  his  financial  status,  admitted  that  appearances  were 
against  him,  which  they  surely  were.  His  boots  were  down  at  the  heel, 
his  shirt  (he  wore  no  coat)  full  of  holes,  his  hat  battered  and  bent,  and  the 
seat  of  his  pants  patched  with  a  quarter-section  of  a  flour  sack. 

"  G-g-gentlemen,"  he  said,  "  I  m-m-must  admit  th-a-at  I'm  imp-p-p- 
c-c-cunyus,  b-b-b-but  n-n-nev'r  desp-p-pise  a  man  b-b-b-cause  he  wears  a 
r-r-r-ragged  coat." 

"  We  don't,"  spoke  up  Uncle  John.  "  Stranger,  its  allowable  in  this 
here  Club  for  a  new  member  to  have  his  treat  paid  for  by  a  old  member  by 
proxy.  I'll  be  your  proxy  on  this  glorious  occasion  ;  step  up,  boys,  and 
nominate  your  pizen." 


48  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

The  Club  here  took  a  recess  for  the  disposal  of  the  poison,  and  that 
ceremony  being  over,  were  again  called  to  order  by  the  Chair,  and  as 
soon  as  the  members  were  settled  in  their  seats,  Old  Dad  called  for  a  lie 
from  the  new  member. 

"  G-g-gentlem'n  and  M-m-mister  P-p-president,"  stuttered  Mr.  True- 
fact,  *'  I  ain't  m-m-much  on  the  lie ;  b-b-but  I'll  relate  a  oc-c-c-cur-rence 
what  t-t-took  p-p-lace  onc't  when  I  was  a  b-b-b-boy,  in  th'  earlier  and 
p-p-p-purer  d-d-d-days  of  this  here  Rep-p-p-public.  You  may  some  of  yer 
p-p-perhaps  have  n-n-n-noticed  that  I've  got  a  imp-p-p-ediment  in  my 
sp-p-peech.  It  was  in  the  c-c-c-city  of  B-b-b-bosting,  and  I  was  a 
g-g-g-goin'  along  one  d-d-d-day  out  in  the  outsk-k-k-skirts,  when  I  s-s-s-seed 
a  b-b-b-bildin'  a-f-f-f-fire.  'T-t-t-was  a  tr'-m-m-m-mendous  b-b-bi-r  b-b-b-bild- 

& 

in',  m-m-mor'n  t-t-t-two  hund-d-dred  f-f-feet  high,  and  1-1-large  otherw-w- 
ways  in  prop-p-portion.  T-t-her'  w-w-warn't  n-n-n-uobody  b-b-b-but  me  in 
s-s-sight,  and  I  s-tart-t-ted  t-t-ter  g-g-g-give  t-t-t'her  al-1-larm  b-b-by  hol-1- 
lerin'  f-f-fire,  and " 

"And  I  'spose  the  buildin'  burned  to  the  ground  before  you  could  get 
the  word  'Fire'  out  of  your  mouth?"  interrupted  the  Chair. 

"  T-t-that's  j-j-j-just  it,"  returned  Ananias,  "  b-b-but  d-d-d-does  t-t-the 
r-r-r-rules  of  t-t-this  Cl-l-lub  p-p-p-per-m-m-mit  t-t-th'  C-c-c-chair  t-t-to  ant-t- 
ticipate  a  m-m-m-mem-b-b-ber's  H-l-lie  ?  " 


A  Picnic. 

The  President  decided  that  the  rules  were  capable  of  such  a  construc- 
tion— when  the  member  stuttered,  and  announced  that  the  Club  would  now 
proceed  to  business  under  the  head  "  Motions  and  Resolutions,"  where- 
upon a  hitherto  obscure  member  rose  and  said : 

"  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen  of  the  Club,  you  is  all  aware  that  the 
Fourth  of  July  are  almost  upon  us — that  glorious  day  which  witnessed 
the  birth  of  him  who  was  first  in  war,  first  in  peace,  and  first  in  the  hearts 
of  his  countrymen.  I  need  not  recount  to  you  the  history  of  that  there 
man,  or  is  it  absolutely  necessary  that  I  should  here  repeat  to  you  that 
touching  and  beautiful  story  about  his  cutting  down  the  cherry-tree,  and 
owning  up  to  it  like  a  little  man,  when  he  was  as  good  as  caught  in  the 
act,  and  knowed  there  was  nobody  else  on  the  place  what  was  liable  to 
have  got  away  with  the  fruit-tree.  It  is  a  story  familiar  to  you  all,  and  one 
which  is  impressed  in  letters  of  living  fire  on  the  heart  of  every  true 
American.  But  in  this  connection,  Mr.  President,  I  wish  to  suggest  that 
this  Club  ought  to  celebrate  the  anniversary  of  the  Fourth  of  July  in  some 
fitting  and  appropriate  manner;  and,  as  we  can't  raise  the  money  for 
fire-works,  I  move  you,  sir,  that  this  here  Club  have  a  picnic.  The  Pest- 
house  is  now  empty  of  patients,  and  anybody  can  hev'  the  use  of  the 
buildiu';  I  would  therefore  renew  my  motion  that  this  here  Club  hev'  a 


'J 

SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE. 


picnic  on  the  Fourth  of  July  at  the  Pest-house  grounds,  and  that  that  thar 
buildin',  in  the  absence  of  shade  from  which  this  locality  is  known  to  be 
suffering  be  used  as  a  depositary  to  shelter  the  refreshments  from  the 
sun's  rays." 

"  Do  I  hear  a  second  ?  "  asked  the  Chair. 

"  I  second  the  motion,"  replied  the  member  who  answers  all  the 
questions  of  the  Chair,  and  votes  aye  and  no  for  the  other  members. 

"And  I,"  spoke  up  Mr.  Thirsty,  "  move  that  the  Chair  appoint  a  com- 
mittee to  wait  on  the  saloons  and  solicit  contributions  of  refreshments  for 
the  use  of  the  Club  at  the  proposed  picnic." 

The  Aye-and-STo  Member  called  for  the  question  and  voted  aye,  and 
the  Chair  declared  all  motions  before  the  house  carried,  and  the  Club 
adjourned  for  the  evening. 

No  -Picnic. 

When  the  Club  assembled  on  the  evening  following  the  meeting  above 
recorded,  the  President  announced  that  he  regretted  to  state  that,  owing 
to  the  sudden  appearance  of  a  case  of  small-pox,  which  now  occupied  the 
Pest-house,  and  an  evident  indisposition  on  the  part  of  the  saloon  keepers 
to  furnish  the  requisite  refreshments,  the  Club  would  dispense  with  the 
picnic  which  had  been  resolved  on  at  the  last  meeting. 

Old  Dad  said  he  didn't  like  picnics,  "no  way." 

Uncle  John  remarked  that  he  was  afraid  of  wood-ticks,  "  which  was 
powerful  plentiful  down  there  to  the  Pest-house." 

The  President  remarked  that  picnics — especially  picnics  without  fluid 
refreshments — were  a  relic  of  the  barbarism  of  by-gone  ages. 

Mr.  Truef act  got  so  far  as  to  say  that  "  p-p-pic-n-n-n-nics  w-w-was  a 

insti-t-t-tu "  when  he  was  interrupted  by  the  Doubter,  who  hinted  that 

he  had  had  all  the  picnics  he  "wanted  in  his'n"  in  the  early  days  in  Cali- 
fornia. 

"Will  the  member  be  kind  enough  to  relate  his  experience?"  said 
the  President. 

The  Doubter  took  a  fresh  chew  of  tobacco,  straightened  up  in  his 
chair,  crossed  one  leg  over  the  other,  and  proceeded  to  relate : 

An  Unpleasantness  with  a  Bear. 

"  Onc't  in  Calif orny — I  think  it  was  along  in  fifty — me  and  five  or  six 
other  fellers  was  minin'  up  on  the  south  fork  of  the  Yuba.  Thar  wasn't 
much  in  the  way  of  amusements  them  days,  as  the  boys  worked  pritty 
stiddy,  makin'  hay  while  the  sun  was  a-shinin' — leastways,  them  as  had 
good  diggin's.  Of  course,  thar  was  faro  and  Spanish  rnonte  for  high 

4 


50  THE   SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

stakes,  and  draw-poker  for  a  big  ante,  and  maybe  an  occasional  fight  or 
sltootin'  scrape,  or  that  kind  of  recreations ;  but  such  divarsions  as  picnics, 
and  camp-meetin's,  and  goin'  to  church,  and  school  exhibitions,  and  con- 
certs, and  theaters,  and  them  kind  of  rational  amusements,  such  as  is  so 
common  these  days,  was  unknown  in  the  mines  in  Californy  in  them  early 
days,  'long  in  the  fall  of  forty-nine  and  the  spring  of  fifty. 

"  Up  in  a  ravine  in  the  mountings,  'bout  three  miles  above  our  cabin, 
thai*  was  one  of  the  prittiest  springs  I  ever  laid  eyes  on,  with  willers  all 
'round  it,  and  grass  till  you  couldn't  rest.  Some  of  the  boys  what  was  in- 
clined to  put  on  airs  used  to  go  up  there  Sundays  and  take  a  wash,  and 
they  got  to  talkin'  one  day  'bout  what  a  gay  place  it  would  be  for  a  pic- 
nic, purvidin'  thar  was  only  some  gals  and  other  necessaries  for  such  a  in- 
stitution. 

"  One  of  my  pardners  was  a  feller  named  Pike — they  called  him  that 
'cause  he  come  from  Pike  County,  Missoury.  He  was  one  of  them  fellers 
what  aint  afraid  of  nothin'  what  walks' or  talks,  but  the  quietest,  silentest 
critter  you  ever  seed,  and  he  had  so  little  to  say,  even  when  he  was  drinkin', 
and  was  always  so  good-natured  and  smilin'  like,  that  a  stranger  would  a' 
thought  thar  warn't  no  sand  in  him,  and  he  wouldn't  fight  nothin'.  But 
he  allers  carried  a  big  bowie  in  his  boot-leg  and  a  dragoon  six-shooter  in 
his  shirt,  and  would  fight  a  rattlesnake  and  give  it  the  fust  bite.  He 
warn't  quarrelsome  a  bit,  but  was  powerful  tender  on  his  honor,  and  if  a 
man  would  objek  to  his  way  of  dealin'  the  keards,  or  allow  that  his  folks 
wasn't  one  of  the  fust  families  of  Missoury,  Pike  was  liable  to  start  in  and 
make  a  starter  for  a  graveyard.  Thar  couldn't  nothin'  excite  him;  I  s'pose 
he  could  have  cut  a  man's  head  off  without  ever  crackin'  a  smile,  and  I  actu- 
ally b'leeve  you  might  a'  turned  a  cannon  loose  alongside  his  ear,  and  he 
wouldn't  a'  started,  but  jest  turn  'round  and  say,  in  that  quiet  way  of  his: 

'• '  Stranger,  does  your  gun  kick  ?    It  makes  a  powerful  loud  report.' 

"  Wai,  to  come  down  to  the  picnic,  when  Pike  heard  the  boys  a-talkin' 
on  the  subjeck,  he  spoke  up  and  says,  says  he  :  <  Boys,  s'pose  we  have  a 
picnic  next  Sunday,  instid  of  goin'  to  town  on  the  usual  hurrah?'  And 
some  of  the  other  boys  says  :  '  S'posen  we  do  ? '  Wai,  we  talked  it  all 
over  and  concluded  that  a  picnic  wouldn't  be  a  bad  go  ;  and  afore  we  went 
to  bed  that  night  we  had  concluded  all  the  preliminaries,  as  you  may  say. 
One  of  the  boys  was  to  go  to  town  and  git  the  fluids  and  a  few  decks  of 
cards,  another  was  to  cook  a  pot  of  beans  and  bake  a  batch  of  bread,  and 
the  rest  of  us  was  to  stand  in  and  do  all  we  could  to  help  the  thing  along. 

"  At  last  the  Sunday  came  along  when  we  was  to  have  the  picnic. 
Some  of  the  boys  had  been  out  the  night  before  and  borrowed  a  burro  * 
belonging  to  some  Mexicans  what  was  minin'  down  the  river  a  piece,  and 
though  they  was  as  quiet  as  possible  about  it,  they  did  have  to  fire  one 
shot,  but  only  wounded  the  Mexican,  and  he  didn't  die  for  five  days. 

*A  Mexican  donkey. 


SOME  LIES  AND    0  THEE  WISE.  51 

They  staked  the  burro  out  Dear  the  cabin,  and  next  mornin'  bright  and 
early  we  tumbled  out  and  got  ready  for  the  picnic.  We  got  a  aparayho* 
and  put  it  on  the  burro,  and  packed  on  the  whisky,  and  the  bread,  and  the 
beans,  and  the  cards,  and  a  fryin'-pan  and  coffee-pot,  and  such  other  things 
as  might  come  needful,  and  when  everything  was  ready  we  started  up  the 
ravine  drivin'  the  burro  ahead  of  us. 

"  Boys,  sometimes  when  I  think  of  the  disastrousness  of  that  picnic,  it 
makes  me  feel  as  if  I'd  like  to  go  off  some  place  and  bag  my  head.  But 
never  mind ! 

"  Wai,  we  got  to  the  spring  at  last,  and  the  fust  thing  to  do  was  to 
'  unpack '  the  aniinile  and  git  things  in  shape  for  a  camp.  Some  of  the 
boys  went  out  to  c  rastle  '  for  some  dry  wood  for  a  fire,  others  gathered 
and  heaped  up  a  lot  of  dry  leaves,  and  me  and  Pike  went  to  work  to  ar- 
range the  refreshments.  The  joltin'  of  the  pack  on  the  burro  comin'  up 
the  ravine  had  disarranged  the  refreshments  some,  and  I  was  tryin' 
to  save  some  of  the  whisky  into  the  coffee-pot  from  the  broken  demijohn, 
and  Pike  was  a-fishin'  some  of  the  decks  of  cards  out  of  the  beans  and 
a-scrapin'  of  them  off,  when  Pike,  he  turned  round  and  smiled,  and  says 
he  in  that  quiet  way  of  his,  jest  as  easy  and  natural  like  as  he'd  say,  'Boys, 
let's  take  a  drink,'  and  without  ever  crackin'  a  smile,  says  he : 

" '  GRIZZLY  BA'R !    TAKE  A  TREE  ! ' 

"And  he  got  up  and  walked  to  a  tree  in  his  reg'lar,  natural  gait,  never 
showin'  no  signs  of  excitement,  and  climbed  up  the  tree  as  though  he  was 
a-goin'  up  stairs  in  one  of  them  elevators  you  hear  about  in  them  fust-class 
hotels  down  to  'Frisco. 

"  I  was  too  fur  from  a  tree,  and  the  ba'r  was  too  clus'  to  me — that's 
the  whole  history  of  the  case — and  hap'nin'  to  throw  my  eye  over  my 
shoulder,  thar  he  was,  right  behind  me,  not  over  three  feet  off,  a  genuine 
grizzly,  and  you  fellers  what  has  lived  and  mined  in  the  Serry  Nevadys 
knows  what  that  means. 

"  One  of  the  boys  had  brung  along  his  double-bar'led  gun,  and  it  was 
layin'  on  the  ground  clus'  to  me,  and  I  thought  if  I  could  only  reach  that 
thar  gun  I'd  have  something  like  an  even  show  with  the  bar.  The  other 
boys  was  up  in  the  trees,  waitin'  to  see  the  circus  open,  and  hollerin'  to  me 
to  grab  that  gun.  I  knew  she  was  loaded  chock  up  to  the  muzzle  with 
slugs  and  old  nails  and  other  rubbish,  and  if  ever  I  got  in  the  first  shot  on 
the  ba'r  I'd  have  the  best  of  the  unpleasantness ;  so,  thro  win'  myself  back- 
'ards,  and  turnin'  a  hand-spring,  I  landed  on  the  ground  right  alongside 
the  gun.  You  better  bet  yer  boots,  boys,  I  wasn't  slow  in  takin'  aim ;  but 
the  consarned  ba'r  was  'bout  as  quick  as  me,  and  before  I  could  turn  loose 
he  made  a  bounce  at  me,  and  grabbed  the  bar'l  of  that  thar  gun  atween 

*Aparejo — A  sort  of  cushion  used  "by  the  Mexicans  and  native  Californians  as  a 
pack-saddle. 


52  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

his  teeth,  with  the  muzzle  pintin'  down  his  throat.  I  was  skeer't  some,  but 
I  knowed  enough  to  pull  both  triggers  to  onc't,  and  the  way  that  old  gun 
kicked  lifted  me  out  of  all  reach  of  danger,  and  separated  me  and  the  ba'r 
about  forty-five  feet.  When  I  come  to,  which  was  in  about  a  minnit,  I 
raised  up  and  looked  for  the  ba'r,  expectin'  to  see  nothin'  but  little  bits  of 
him  scattered  on  the  ground. '  But  I  didn't.  Thar  he  set,  setten'  up  on  his 
ha'nches,  and  retchin'  kinder  violent  like,  and  pritty  soon  he  began  to  puke 
up  slugs,  and  old  nails,  and  door-hinges,  and  other  trash  that  had  been 
loaded  in  that  double-bar'led  gun.  Pike,  he  come  down  out  of  the  tree 
and  looked  at  the  animal's  tongue  and  felt  its  pulse,  and  remarked  that  it 
was  the  sickest  grizzly  ba'r  he  ever  seed,  and  Jim  Stackpole  he  held  its 
head  so's  it  could  vomit  easy,  and  the  rest  on  us  got  the  pack  ropes  and 
some  lariats,  and  commenced  tyin'  up  the  ba'r  to  make  a  prisoner  of  him. 

"  We  didn't  have  no  picnic,  'cause  when  the  gun  kicked  me  I  upset  the 
beans,  and  the  cards  was  all  tramped  out  of  shape  by  the  ba'r,  and  the 
whisky,  barrin'  a  few  drops,  had  all  run  out  on  the  grass  from  the  busted 
demijohn ;  and  we  didn't  feel  as  cheerful  anyway  as  men  ought  to  feel  to 
make  a  picnic  a  success. 

"  When  we  got  the  ba'r  tied  up,  we  packed  him  on  the  burro,  and  took 
the  back  track,  and  on  the  way  home  we  met  some  fellers  what  was  huntin' 
a  ba'r  for  a  bull-and-ba'r  fight  up  to  Nevada  City,  and  don't  you  know, 
Dad,  (turning  to  that  individual)  that's  the  very  same  ba'r  you  had  in  that 
bull-and-ba'r  fight  up  to  Nevada  City,  of  which  you  was  tellin'  about  at  a 
previous  meetin'  of  this  Club  ?  " 

"  Very  likely,"  said  Dad,  "  I  remember  noticin'  that  the  ba'r  on  that 
occasion  seemed  kinder  sick  like." 

At  this  point  the  barkeeper  announced  that  it  was  time  to  shut  up  for 
the  night,  and  he  hoped  that  in  adjourning  the  stuttering  member  would 
take  the  usual  thing,  and  not  try  to  order  some  new-fangled  drink,  as  this 
house  didn't  propose  to  run  till  daylight  for  no  set  of  stiffs  that  ever  herded 
a  stove. 

Mr.  Truefact  took  the  "  usual  thing,"  and  the  other  members  likewise 
took  theirs  "  straight,"  and  the  Club  was  declared  adjourned  for  the  even- 
ing. 

Rogers's  Dog. 

"  Thar's  good  duck-huntin'  over  in  Smoky  Valley,"  said  Uncle  John, 
as  he  settled  himself  in  his  seat  to  take  part  in  the  discussion,  in  the 
Sazerac  Lying  Club,  at  a  recent  meeting  of  that  organization. 

"  I  like  to  hunt  ducks,"  remarked  Old  Dad,  "  but  this  here  dog  of 
mine"  (patting  the  animal  on  the  head)  "aint  much  on  retrievin'  ducks  no 
more ;  but  he's  lightnin'  on  rabbits  and  kioties,  or  anything  as  runs  on 
four  legs." 

"  He  aint  no  better  at  that  than  Rogers's  dog  is,"  observed  the 
President. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  53 

"  What  can  Rogers's  dog  do  that  nobody  else's  dog  can't  ? "  sneer- 
ingly  asked  the  Doubter. 

"  Well,  gentlemen,"  said  the  Chair,  "  if  you'll  come  to  order,  and  that 
member  behind  the  stove  will  quit  snappin'  spittle  ofPn  that  quill  tooth- 
pick into  my  eye,  I'll  tell  you  what  Rogers's  dog  can  do  that  nobody  else's 
dog  can't." 

The  censured  member  stuck  his  tooth-pick  over  his  ear,  and  remarked 
that  he  didn't  know  she  was  shooting  that  far,  and  the  President  pro- 
ceeded : 

"  Rogers,  he  took  his  dog  and  his  gun  and  went  down  into  the  valley 
the  other  day,  to  see  if  he  couldn't  drum  up  somethin'  to  shoot.  You  all 
know  his  dog,  and  that  it's  a  sizeable  pointer.  Wai,  Rogers  and  the  dog 
they  beat  around  in  the  sagebrush  for  quite  a  while  without  seein'  a  hair 
or  a  feather,  and  was  both  on  'em  gittin'  kind  of  disgusted  like,  when  up 
jumps  a  kioty  right  square  in  front  of  the  dog.  Rogers  is  a  sportsman  and 
a  hunter,  he  is,  and  he  wasn't  goin'  to  waste  his  ammernishon  and  pros-ti- 
tute  his  skill  for  the  killin'  of  a  mean,  cowardly,  sneakin',  ornery  wolf ;  so 
he  jest  sicked  the  dog  on  the  animile  and  told  him  to  seize  him.  Now, 
you  all  know  that  a  kioty  won't  stan'  up  to  a  dog  unless  he's  cornered,  and 
if  he's  got  runnin'  room  he'll  run,  and — bein'  willin  to  give  the  devil  his 
due — I  will  say  it  for  a  kioty  that  when  he  sets  out  to  run  he  does  the 
business  right  squar  up  to  the  handle.  Wai,  this  here  kioty,  he  looked 
up  and  he  seed  Rogers's  dog,  and  heered  Rogers  tellin'  of  the  animal  to 
'  seize  him,'  and  he  had  sense  enough  to  know  that  thar  was  liable  to  be 
trouble  in  that  neighborhood  pritty  soon.  So  he  jest  turned  tail  and 
commenced  to  light  out,  and  Buster — which  is  Rogers's  dog's  given  name — 
he  lit  out  too,  and  away  they  went  over  the  ground  and  through  the  brush, 
it  bein'  nip  and  tuck  atwixt  them,  but  the  kioty  havin'  slightly  the  best 
of  it  on  account  of  gittin'  a  little  the  start  in  the  beginnin'.  They  must 
hev  run  that  way  for  about  a  mild,  with  the  dog's  nose  plum  up  agin  the 
tip  of  the  kioty's  tail  and  not  darin'  to  snap  for  fear  of  losin'  ground, 
when  the  kioty  thought  he  saw  the  hole  what  he  occupied  as  his  own  fam- 
ily residence,  and  without  stoppin'  to  make  sure,  he  shot  into  that  thar  hole 
like  he  was  shot  out  of  a  gun.  Buster  was  a-goin'  so  fast,  he  wasn't  no- 
ticin'  no  holes  and  he  couldn't  stopped  himself  if  he  had,  and  in  he  goes 
after  mister  kioty.  Now,  gentlemen,  it  so  happened  that  this  here  hole 
wasn't  a  kioty-hole  at  all,  but  jest  a  squirrel-hole ;  but  the  kioty  was  so 
scart  he  wasn't  particular,  and  Buster  wanted  that  kioty  so  bad  he  didn't 
stop  to  notice  the  difference  ;  and  thar  they  was,  both  in  the  hole  in  the 
ground,  and  Rogers  a-comin'  up  as  fast  as  he  could,  and  wonderin'  what 
had  become  of  his  dog  and  that  kioty.  He  don't  believe  in  ghosts,  cause 
he  never  saw  a  real  out-and-out  ghost,  but  ghosts  is  a  subjeck  open  to  a 
good  deal  of  argyment,  howsomever.  As  he  didn't  s'pose  for  a  moment  that 
them  animals  had  gone  inter  the  squirrel  hole,  and  as  he  couldn't  see  'em 
in  sight,  he  sorter  concluded  they  must  be  absconded  some  way  super- 


54  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

nat'ral  like,  and  after  huntin'  around  in  the  brush  for  a  couple  of  hours, 
he  concluded  to  go  home,  as  he  was  powerful  dry,  his  whisky  hevin'  give 
out,  and  likewise  some  hungry.  The  place  whar  he  missed  the  dog  was 
on  one  side  of  a  little  risin'  ground  what  makes  a  little  low  hill  in  the  val- 
ley, extendin'  over  a  couple  of  miles  to  the  slope  on  the  other  side.  Wai, 
gentlemen,  to  come  to  the  p'int,  when  Rogers  got  over  in  this  other  slope, 
he  heer'd  a  kind  of  scramblin'  noise,  like  as  if  it  was  underground,  and 
he  couldn't  make  out  to  account  for  it  no  way.  But  jest  as  he  got  to  the 
foot  of  this  low  hill  on  the  other  side,  he  seed  somethin'  pop  out  of  the 
ground,  and  in  about  a  minnit  thar  was  somethin'  else  came  shootin  out'n 
that  hole.  Them  somethin's,  gentlemen,  was  that  kioty  and  Buster,  which 
Rogers  he  recognized  in  a  minnit,  notwithstandin'  that  every  bit  of  his 
hair  had  been  rubbed  off  as  clean  as  if  it  had  been  shaved  with  a  razor. 
The  kioty  was  plum  give  out,  but  Buster  was  jest  gittin'  his  second  wind, 
and  he  bounced  that  air  wolf  and  held  it  down  till  Rogers  could  come 
up  and  beat  it  to  death  with  rocks." 

"  Now,"  said  the  President,  looking  sternly  at  the  Doubter,  "  can  any 
gentleman  here  present  tell  me  if  he  knows  on  another  ninety-four  pound 
pointer  dog  as  can  pursoo  a  kioty  four  miles  and  a  half  underground 
through  a  squirrel-hole  ?  " 

"  I  can't,"  spoke  up  the  Doubter ;  "  no  more  do  I  s'pose  I  could  tell 
about  anybody's  kioty  as  could  squeeze  that  many  miles  in  front  of  a  dog 
through  a  openin'  and  underground  passage  like  that  thar  squirrel-hole." 

The  Chair  looked  as  black  as  a  thunder-cloud,  and  was  reaching  its 
hand  around  to  the  back  part  of  its  waistband,  when  the  Secretary,  one  of 
whose  duties  it  is  to  prevent  bloodshed  and  smooth  over  the  ruffled  waters 
of  any  dissensions  which  may  arise  in  the  Club,  spoke  up,  and  said : 

"Mr.  President." 

"  The  Seccertary  has  the  floor,"  said  the  President,  as  he  removed  his 
hand  from  his  hip  and  wiped  his  nose  with  his  coat-sleeve,  at  the  same 
time  smoothing  the  wrinkles  from  his  troubled  brow. 

"  Mr.  President,"  resumed  the  Secretary,  "  your  account  of  that  there 
dog  of  Rogers's  reminds  me  of  a  incident  I  once  knowed  to  happen  to 
a  cat." 

"  The  Seccertary  will  relate,"  was  announced  from  the  Chair 

Thereupon  the  Scribe  proceeded  to  narrate  as  follows : 

The   Fate  of  a   Cat. 

"  It  gits  pritty  cold  in  this  country  sometimes,  but  it  aint  a  patchin' 
to  what  it  is  back  in  the  State  of  Wisconsin,  whar  I  come  from.  It  gits 
so  cold  thar  that  I've  knowed  it  to  freeze  a  river  four  foot  solid  in  a  single 
night.  Well,  durin'  one  of  these  cold  spells  our  folks  had  a  cat,  and  that 
air  cat  turned  up  missin'  one  mornin'.  My  folks  set  a  good  deal  of  store 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  55 

by  the  animilc,  and  my  little  sister  was  afflicted  more  particular  than  the 
rest  of  us.  But  'twarn't  no  use  ;  the  cat  was  gone,  and  all  the  huntin'  in 
the  country  didn't  have  no  effeck  in  findin'  it.  Thar  was  a  pond  close  to 
the  house,  and  we  finally  decided  that  the  cat  had  somehow  got  in  thar 
and  the  ice  had  froze  over  so  quick  it  had  froze  her  fast  afore  she  could 
git  out.  And  we  wasn't  very  far  out'n  the  way ;  for  when  that  pond  be- 
gin to  thaw  and  the  ice  to  break  up  in  the  spring,  we  found  the  cat,  and, 
gentlemen,  whar  do  you  suppose  we  found  the  animile?" 

The  Doubter  answered  that  he  supposed  the  Secretary  expected  the 
Club  to  believe  that  they  had  found  the  cat  in  the  pond ;  that  it  had  been 
imbedded  in  the  ice  all  winter,  and  when  they  gave  it  a  little  brandy  and 
warmed  it  up  by  the  stove,  it  ravenously  devoured  seven  pounds  of  beef- 
steak. 

"Not  much,"  returned  the  Secretary;  "we  found  the  cat,  when  spring 
opened,  down  in  the  bottom  of  the  well,  which  it  had  fell  in ;  and  though 
slightly  soft,  the  corpse  was  in  a  good  state  of  preservation,  considerin'  the 
circumstances.  It  was  one  of  them  kind  of  cats  what  didn't  have  no  nine 
lives ;  otherwise,  we  might  have  found  it  in  the  pond,  under  the  circum- 
stances foreshadowed  by  the  skeptical  gentleman  on  the  other  side  of  the 
stove." 

Whereupon  the  Club  adjourned  for  the  evening. 


Deacon  Toughly. 

Deacon  Toughly  belongs  to  that  class  known  in  Nevada  communi- 
ties as  the  "  Old  Boys,"  which  signifies  that  he  is  a  Pacific  Coast  pioneer, 
and  arrived  in  California  in  the  golden  days,  when  whisky  was  four  bits  a 
drink,  and  flour  and  other  necessaries  sold  at  rates  in  proportion.  Why, 
where,  when,  and  how  he  acquired  the  cognomen  of  "Deacon"  I  have  not 
been  able  to  learn,  though  I  have  made  diligent  inquiries  of  his  friends, 
and  tried  to  worm  it  out  of  the  Deacon  himself.  Nobody  in  Austin  ever 
saw  him  inside  of  a  church,  and  he  never  had  more  than  a  mere  bowing 
acquaintance  with  the  preachers ;  likewise  he  was  given  to  elaborate  pro- 
fanity at  times,  having  a  remarkable  aptitude  in  the  construction  of  novel 
oaths  and  expletives.  His  manner  was  always  fatherly  and  dignified,  but 
his  marked  disregard  for  cleanliness  detracted  somewhat  from  the  dignity 
he  constantly  assumed.  He  may  have  acquired  his  deaconship  from  the 
following  circumstance :  When,  if  greeted  by  a  friend  or  acquaintance, 
he  was  asked,  "  How's  times,  Deacon,"  his  invariable  reply  was : 

"  My  son,  these  here  times  reminds  me  of  that  air  good  old  hymn  we 
use'  to  sing  back  yonder  when  I  was  a  boy, 

"  '  Shoo  (shew)  pity,  Lord  !    O  Lord,  forgive, 
Let  a  repenting  sinner  live.'  " 

The  exact  connection  between  the  words  of  the  hymn  and  the  state  of 


56  THE   SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

business  in  Austin  was  something  which  no  fellow  could  find  out ;  but  it 
is,  perhaps,  possible  that  this  display  of  knowledge  of  religious  literature 
was  what  earned  for  Mr.  Toughly  the  title  of  u  Deacon." 

The  Deacon  had  done  a  great  deal  of  prospecting  in  his  day,  and  at 
the  time  of  which  I  write  was  enormously  wealthy — in  his  mind.  That 
is,  he  owned  a  lot  of  remotely  situated  mines  which  he  believed  to  be  fab- 
ulously rich,  but  which  he  could  not  have  disposed  of  for  ten  cents  an 
acre.  He  had  no  source  of  income,  yet  he  managed  to  live,  and  was  never 
known  to  ask  anything  in  charity.  His  home  was  a  little  stockade  cabin, 
with  a  dirt  roof  and  a  dirt  floor,  to  which  he  only  retired  at  night  when 
the  last  light  in  town  was  extinguished,  or  in  the  day-time  to  prepare  his 
simple  meals,  the  greater  portion  of  his  time  being  spent  in  the  streets  and 
saloons.  And  the  happiest  moments  of  the  Deacon's  life  were  when  he 
was  comfortably  settled  in  front  of  the  stove  in  a  saloon,  with  a  crowd  of 
"  old  stiffs "  about  him  listening  to  the  relation  of  his  experiences.  On 
such  occasions  the  old  gentleman  was  a  whole  lying  club  in  himself. 

Deacon  Toughly  was  tall,  but  slightly  stoop-shouldered,  and  his  gen- 
eral  make-up  and  appearance  were  not  by  any  means  imposing,  and  had  it 
not  been  for  the  dignity  which  encompassed  him,  and  his  well-known  ca- 
pacity for  taking  up  extensions  on  the  truth,  he  would  not  have  been  a 
person  to  attract  more  than  a  mere  passing  notice.  He  had  a  pair  of 
small,  sharp,  black  eyes,  which,  however,  owing  to  a  habit  of  blinking  his 
eyelids,  were  seldom  visible ;  his  head,  save  a  few  straggling  gray  hairs  on 
top,  and  a  lock  on  each  side,  falling  down  to  his  cheeks  and  hiding  his 
ears,  was  destitute  of  hirsute  covering,  and  as  smooth  and  shiny  as  a  new 
school-globe.  His  forehead  was  decorated  with  a  pair  of  steel-bowed 
"  specs,"  which  the  oldest  inhabitant  did  not  remember  ever  having  seen 
the  Deacon  looking  through,  and  that  is  why  I  designate  them  a  decoration. 
His  shirt  was  always  dirty,  and  he  on  all  occasions  wore  a  paper  collar 
that  had  been  turned  wrong  side  out,  the  right  side  having  probably  been 
utilized  by  some  citizen  of  Austin  other  than  the  Deacon,  who  had  cast 
the  collar  aside  when  too"  much  soiled  to  longer  contribute  to  his  own  per- 
sonal adornment.  A  greasy  and  tobacco-stained  vest,  a  rusty,  snuff-colored 
coat  that  had  once  been  black,  a  pair  of  pants  turned  up  at  the  bottoms 
so  as  to  make  them  somewhat  in  accord  with  the  length  of  the  wearer's 
legs,  a  dilapidated  white  plug  hat,  a  stout  stick,  and  a  stream  of  tobacco 
juice  running  from  each  corner  of  his  mouth,  completed  the  Deacon's 
costume. 

Deacon  Toughly  had  never  attended  the  re-unions  in  the  Sazerac ;  he 
had  his  favorite  houses,  and  this  saloon  was  not  one  of  them.  But  when 
the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  began  to  be  "  agitated  "  in  the  REVEILLE,  he  read 
the  accounts  of  its  proceedings  in  that  sheet,  and  accosted  me  on  the  street 
one  evening  and  questioned  me  regarding  that  organization  : 

"  Look  here,  my  son,"  he  said,  "  what's  all  that  you're  puttin'  of  in  the 
paper  about  that  air  Sazerac  Lyin'  Club  ?  " 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  57 

I  assured  the  Deacon  that  there  was  such  an  institution  in  Austin  as 
that  to  which  he  referred,  and  pointed  with  my  finger  to  the  Sazerac 
Saloon,  informing  him  that  it  was  in  there  that  the  nightly  lying  sessions 
were  held. 

"  And  them  there  fellers  think  they  can  lie  ?  "  questioned  the  Deacon, 
with  emphasis. 

"  They  most  assuredly  do,"  I  replied. 

"  Wai,  my  son,  I'll  drap  in  there  some  night  and  jest  go  'em  a  rattle ; 
you  never  heer'd  me  tell  how,  when  I  was  a  boy,  I  tamed  a  lot  of  grass- 
hoppers and  harnessed  'em  up  for  a  team  and  hitched  'em  to  a  little  wagon 
and  made  'em  haul,  did  ye  ?  " 

I  confessed  that  I  had  never  experienced  that  pleasure. 

"  Wai,  then,  my  son,  I'll  tell  it  to  ye  now." 

Just  then  I  saw  a  man  down  street  who  I  thought  would  be  looking 
for  me  in  a  couple  of  hours,  and  begged  the  Deacon  to  excuse  me  for  a 
moment,  and  rushed  off  before  he  had  time  to  frame  a  reply. 

True  to  his  word,  the  Deacon  one  evening  dropped  into  the  Sazerac,  to 
"  go  them  fellers  a  rattle."  When  he  entered,  the  usual  crowd  was  sitting 
around  the  stove,  but  business  had  not  yet  commenced,  and  several  of  the 
members  were  dozing  in  their  seats.  The  Deacon  first  walked  up  to  the 
bar  and  remarked  to  the  barkeeper  that  it  was  a  "  fine  evenin',  but  jest  the 
leestest  mite  cold." 

The  barkeeper  concurred,  and  inquired  of  the  Deacon  if  he  wouldn't 
partake  of  a  little  stimulant. 

"  Don't  keer  if  I  do,  my  son,"  replied  Deacon  Toughly,  "  it's  not 
adzactly  my  time  of  day  for  drinkin',  but  bein'  as  the  air's  a  leetle  sharp 
on  the  outside  of  the  house,  a  leetle  stimulatin'  beverage  mought  brace  me 
up  a  bit." 

A  bottle  and  glass  were  set  out  on  the  bar-counter ;  the  Deacon  filled 
a  glass  to  the  brim,  and  holding  it  up  and  blinking  at  it  furiously,  said : 

"My  son,  here's  hopin'  you  may  live  a  thousand  years." 

This  said,  he  tossed  off  the  liquor,  and  then  stooping  over  the  counter, 
and  bringing  his  lips  close  to  the  barkeeper's  ear,  he  "  whispered  "  loud 
enough  to  be  heard  by  all  in  the  room : 

"  See  here,  my  son,  be  there  anything  in  this  here  Sazerac  Lying  Club, 
or  aint  it  only  one  of  them  'joshes'  they  gits  up  in  the  REVEILLE  some- 
times ?  " 

The  reply  was,  that  the  Club  was  an  actual,  positive,  solemn  fact. 

"  Wai,  I've  a  noshun  of  tryin'  my  hand  with  them  fellers,"  resumed 
the  Deacon,  in  the  same  loud  whisper. 

By  this  time  all  the  members  of  the  Club  were  thoroughly  awake,  and 
the  attention  of  all  was  riveted  on  the  Deacon.  Old  Dad  pressed  on  Uncle 
John's  rheumatic  foot,  causing  him  to  utter  an  exclamation  that  would 
have  done  credit  to  Deacon  Toughly  himself ;  the  President  poked  the 


53  THE   SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Secretary  in  the  ribs,  and  Mr.  Truefact  winked  a  stuttering  sort  of  a  wink 
to  the  Doubter,  who  drew  up  a  chair  and  invited  the  Deacon  to  "  sit  bv." 

"  Thank  ye,  my  son,  thank  ye,"  said  the  Deacon,  as  he  took  the  prof- 
fered seat.  Then  pushing  his  specs  up  a  little  higher  on  his  forehead,  and 
blinking  at  the  rate  of  two  hundred  revolutions  a  minute,  he  said  : 

"  Gentlemen,  be  this  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  ?  " 

Mr.  Truefact  started  to  reply,  but  before  he  could  frame  the  first  syl- 
lable of  the  first  word  he  wanted  to  utter,  Old  Dad  broke  in  with : 

"  I  reckon  you've  struck  the  wrong  streak  of  gravel  this  time,  Deekin ; 
thar  isn't  a  gentleman  sittin'  round  this  here  stove  as  could  lie,  if  he  tried 
for  a  week." 

"  I'm  satisfied,  my  son,  puffickly  satisfied ! "  exclaimed  the  Deacon. 
"  I've  hed  my  doubts  about  this  here  Sazerac  Lyin'  Club,  but  now  I'rn  satis- 
fied, puffickly  satisfied  that  it  do  exist  in  dead,  squar',  sober  earnest.  I 
did  intend  comin'  over  here  to  go  you  fellers  a  rattle,  and  I  wouldn't  mind 
doin'  it  yit,  but  I'm  a  leetle  bit  doubtful  of  myself — a  leetle  bit  doubtful." 

"  You  can  stand  in  with  the  boys,  and  take  your  chances  like  the  rest 
of  us,"  spoke  up  Old  Dad. 

"  Wai,  my  son,  I'll  stand  in,  as  ye  say ;  so  here  goes  : 

"'Onc't  on  a  time '" 

"  Hold  on,  thar,  Deekin ! "  exclaimed  the  President.  "  Mr.  Seccertary, 
what  order  of  business  is  we  workin'  under  now  ?  " 

"  The  Lie  of  the  Evening,"  responded  the  Secretary,  as  he  slapped 
down  a  queen  and  took  the  other  man's  jack  of  trumps. 

"All  right,  Deekin,  go  ahead,"  remarked  the  Chair.  • 

The   Deacon    " Stands   In." 

Deacon  Toughly  brought  his  chair  round  facing  the  President,  so  as 
to  get  a  blink  at  that  official,  coughed  three  times  to  clear  his  throat,  and 
proceeded  to  narrate  as  follows  : 

"When  I  come  acrost  the  plains  in  forty-nine  we  had  a  powerful 
hard  time  ;  the  stock  got  runned  down,  and  the  most  on  it  give  plum  out. 
Consekently,  afore  I  struck  the  borders  of  Utah  Territory  I  was  left  afoot, 
my  horse  hevin'  passed  in  his  checks,  and  the  train  I  was  travelin'  with 
hevin'  lost  all  their  anirnils  but  one  yoke  of  cattle  through  dyin'  or  bein' 

stampeded  by  the  dog-goned,  dod-rotted —  of  In- 

jins ;  their ornery  souls  to ation." 

The  Deacon  was  here  interrupted  by  the  Chair,  who  informed  him 
that  a  rule  of  the  Club  positively  prohibited  an  indulgence  in  profanity  in 
the  deliberations  of  the  Club. 

"  I  aint  much  used  to  swearin',"  apologized  the  Deacon,  "  but  when  I 
think  of  them  Injuns,  blast  their 

A  rap  of  the  President's  stick  on  the  stove  warned  the  Deacon  to  de- 
sist, and  he  resumed  the  thread  of  his  narrative. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  59 

"  As  I  was  sayin',  my  son,  I  was  left  afoot,  and  I  didn't  hev1  no 
money  to  throw  at  the  birds  nuther ;  likewise  not  much  what  the  preach- 
ers call  earthly  goods  what  I  could  swap  for  a  horse.  I  left  home  kind  of 
sudden  like,  and  in  course,  bein'  as  I  was  goin'  to  Californy,  whar  the  gold 
was  strowed  around  thicker  than  chawed  chestnuts,  (leastways  I  thunk  so 
them  days,  bein'  young  and  green)  I  didn't  carry  along  a  very  big  load  of 
the  effecks  what  my  father  had  in  the  States.  Consekently,  when  I  got 
to  the  Mormon  settlements,  I  was  busted  flatter'n  a  cold  slap-jack,  and  no 
means  of  continerin'  the  journey  to  the  gold  diggin's  The  man  what  had 
the  one  yoke  of  cattle,  he  give  me  the  privilege  of  walkin'  alongside  the 
train  till  we'd  strike  some  place  whar  thar  was  sumthin'  like  civilization, 
but  he  kept  a-warnin'  of  me  that  he  had  a  fam'ly  of  his  own  back  in  the 
States  to  support.  Wai,  one  night,  'bout  sundown  we  camped  on  the 
edge  of  a  Mormon  settlement,  and  while  I  was  a-b'ildin'  a  fire  with  some 
brush  and  thinkin'  of  some  way  to  trade  a  Mormon  out  of  a  horse,  one 
of  the  Mormons  belongin'  in  the  settlement  come  up  to  look  around  and 
see  if  he  could  observe  any  broke  down  stock  he  could  trade  us  out  of  for 
little  or  nothin'  and  recooperate  it  and  swap  it  or  sell  it  for  a  big  figger  to 
the  next  passel  of  emigrants  as  come  along  that  way.  Seem'  as  how  we 
didn't  have  nothin'  wuth  tradin'  for,  the  Mormon  got  to  talkin'  to  us,  and 
I  let  out  that  my  fix  was  such  as  I  couldn't  travel  much  f  urder  unless  a 
horse  was  to  drop  out  of  Heaven  right  alongside  of  my  tracks,  bein' 
as  I  was  already  powerful  footsore. 

"  The  Mormon  spoke  up,  an'  he  says : 

"  '  Pard,  us  Latter  Day  Saints  bean't  much  in  the  habit  of  hirin'  Gen- 
tiles, bein'  as  its  agin  our  creed,  and  positively  forbid  except  in  cases  of 
needcessity,  but  if  I  could  strike  up  a  fa'r  bargain  with  ye,  I'd  take  the 
chances  on  hirin'  ye  to  help  dig  a  ditch.' 

"  I  axed  the  cussed  sinner  as  called  hisself  a  saint,  and  actooally  was 
that  fool  enough  to  think  he  was,  what  he'd  call  a  fair  bargain  on  the  ditch 
business. 

"  '  Wai,'  he  said,  (countin'  over  his  fingers  like  he  was  figgerin'  in  'rith- 
matic)  '  if  you  want  to  go  to  work  at  helpin'  me  at  diggin'  that  ditch,  I'll 
give  ye  thirty  dollars  a  month,  in  trade,  and  your  board.' 

"  Thirty  dollars  a  month  and  board  was  powerful  big  wages  them  days 
for  a  young  feller  jest  from  the  States,  and  I  was  half  thinkin'  the  best 
thing  would  be  to  stay  thar  with  them  Mormons  and  git  rich  workin'  for 
wages,  and  not  take  any  chances  on  Californy.  But,  howsomever,  that 
trade  business  was  somethin'  I  didn't  exactly  understand,  and  not  wishin' 
to  be  exposin'  of  my  ignorance  I  didn't  ask  no  questions,  but  jest  said  to 
the  Mormon : 

"  '  Pard,  its  a  whack  ! ' 

"  So,  gittin'  my  few  traps  together  out  of  the  waggin  and  sayin'  good- 
bye to  the  man  who  had  let  me  walk  alongside  his  ox-team,  me  and  the 


60  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Mormon  started  for  his  ranch.     As  we  was  walkin'  along  I  spoke  up  and 
I  said  to  him : 

" '  What  kind  of  trade  be  you  goin'  to  give  me  for  wages  ? ' 
" '  Wai,'  says  he,  '  you  kin  hev  your  choice  of  ruta-baga  turnips,  or 
sorghum  syrup,  or  pun'kins.'  I  kind  of  begin  to  understand  what  was 
his  meanin'  of  trade  by  this  time,  and  was  some  dis'pinted,  but  didn't  say 
no  thin',  only  that  I'd  see  after  a  while  which  of  them  produce  thar  was 
the  best  market  for. 

"  Them  days,  the  Mormons  didn't  hev  no  money,  and  the  most  of  'em 
didn't  know  what  money  was  like  when  they  seed  it.  If  one  of  'em  was 
to  git  hold  of  a  silver  half-a-dollar  from  a  emigrant  he'd  think  it  was  as 
big  as  the  hind-wheel  on  one  of  them  big  prairy  schooners,  and  he'd  take 
it  down  cellar  and  bury  it  for  to  keep  for  a  hair-loom  in  the  family.  There 
warn't  no  money  'mongst  'em,  and  they  did  most  of  their  business  by  this 
here  trade  system. 

"  I  didn't  hev  no  use  for  ruta-bagas,  or  sorghum  syrup,  or  for  pun'- 
kins, but  I  could  trade  em  off,  and  keep  a-tradin'  and  go  on  transactin'  busi- 
ness till  I  got  hold  of  somethin'  I  could  swap  for  a  horse  and  a  little  flour 
and  bacon  and  a  few  matches,  so  as  I  could  continner  my  journey  to  Cali- 
f orny ;  cause  I'd  come  to  this  country  to  git  gold,  and  didn't  want  to  stay 
thar  'mongst  them  Mormons  and  git  rich  in  vegetables,  and,  maybe,  in  the 
course  of  time  hev  several  or  more  wives  on  my  hands." 

At  this  point  in  his  narrative  the  Deacon  stopped,  and  simultaneously 
every  member  of  the  Club  straightened   up  in  his  chair.     Corrugating 
his  brow  and  blinking  indignantly  at  the  Chair,  the  Deacon  said : 
"  My  son,  I  hope  my  story  aint  gittin'  teedjus?" 
"  Not  much,  Deekin — what  made  you  think  that  ?  "  returned  the  Chair. 
"  Wai,"  resumed  the  Deacon,  "  I  thought  I  heerd  a  snore." 
"  'Twarn't  me  "  —  "  nor  me  "  —  u  nor  me,"  spoke  up  the  members,  one 
after  another,  all  except  Mr.  Truefact,  who  was  trying  to  stutter  out  those 
words,  when  the  President  cut  off  his  part  of  the  debate  by  saying : 

"  Deekin,  I'm  surprised  at  you,  thinkin'  that  any  member  of  this  here 
Club  would  go  to  sleep  on  you,  when  you  was  a-tellin'  of  such  a  int'restin' 
story." 

The  Deacon  apologized  for  his  suspicions  by  saying  that  his  hearing 
was  not  what  it  was  in  days  gone  by,  and  resumed  his  lie : 

"As  I  was  sayin',  I  hired  out  to  this  Mormon  for  thirty  dollars  a 
month,  in  trade  and  board,  hopin'  one  day  to  git  a  horse  and  jump  the 
country. 

"  It  was  one  of  them  grasshopper  years  in  Utah,  when  the  hoppers 
was  swoopin'  down  on  the  country  and  eatin'  up  the  last  green  thing  on  a 
ranch  inside  of  a  single  night.  They  hadn't  got  to  this  here  Mormon's 
ranch  yit,  but  he  knew  they  was  comin',  and  which  way  they  was  trav'lin', 
and  his  objeck  in  hirin'  me  was  to  help  him  stand  off  the  hoppers.  He 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  Gl 

had  an  ijee,  which  was  to  dig  a  big  ditch  around  his  ranch,  and  when  the 
grasshoppers  come,  to  git  out  all  his  wimmin  and  childrin  and  the  hired 
hands,  and  fight  the  insecks  inter  this  ditch,  and  turn  his  chickins  in 
among  'em. 

"  I  caught  hold  of  his  ijee,  and  he  showed  me  how  it  was  as  much 
int'restin'  to  me  to  keep  off  the  hoppers  as  'twas  to  him ;  so  bein'  as  if 
they  ate  up  all  the  craps,  whar  was  my  trade  he  was  goin'  to  pay  me  ? 

"  "Wai,  we  got  that  ditch  finished  two  days  afore  the  grasshoppers 
come  in  sight,  but  you  bet  we  could  see  'em  comin',  and  lookin'  like  a 
groat  big  black  cloud,  what  was  hidiu'  the  sun  and  makin'  the  air  as  dark 
as  if  it  was  jest  comin'  on  night.  We  could  see  'em  before  they  got  to 
us,  but  when  they  got  thar  we  was  ready  for  'em. 

"  The  Mormon,  he  had  all  his  family  out,  guardin'  the  ditch  at  the 
side  whar  the  hoppers  was  comin',  and  they  was  all  heeled  with  a  big 
bunch  of  willers  tied  to  a  stick,  so  as  to  bat  at  the  insecks  and  fight  'em 
inter  the  ditch — and  the  chickens  was  all  on  the  ground  waitin'  for  the 
trouble  to  start,  and  cluckin'  and  crowin'  and  lookin'  up  inter  the  sky,  jest 
like  they  knowed  what  was  comin'. 

"  My  boss  was  somethin'  of  a  family  man,  hevin'  sev'ral  wives,  and 
consekently  a  few  children,  which,  bein'  as  they're  Mormons  in  that  coun- 
try, nobody  don't  make  no  objection  to.  And  when  all  the  wives  and  all 
the  children  and  me  and  the  boss  was  all  out  on  the  ground  together,  with 
our  brooms,  we  made  quite  a  'spectable  outfit,  what  was  enough  to  scare 
the  grasshoppers  and  cause  "em  to  slew  'round  to  the  next  ranch,  purvidin' 
they  had  as  much  sense  as  a  last  year's  bird's-nest,  which,  in  course,  grass- 
hoppers aint. 

"  When  the  hoppers  come  near  enough  for  the  queen  hopper  to  see 
that  thar  was  somethin'  green  on  the  ground,  she  give  the  order  to  light, 
and  the  whole  raft  of  'em  commenced  droppin'  t'ords  the  ground." 

[The  Deacon  was  so  absorbed  in  his  story  that  he  did  not  notice  a 
s'norous  sound  that  filled  the  room,  and  failed  to  observe  that  every  mem- 
ber of  the  Club  was,  to  all  appearance,  sound  asleep.] 

"But  we  was  ready  for  'em,  and  commenced  fightin'  'em  off  and 
knockin'  'em  inter  the  ditch  as  soon  as  the  front  ranks  got  in  reach. 

"  The  chickens  was  thar,  too ;  thar  was  a  band  01  'bout  two  hundred 
layiu'  hens  and  sev'ral  roosters,  to  say  nothin'  of  a  lot  of  pullets,  and  they 
jest  waded  inter  them  thar  grasshoppers. 

"  Happeniu'  to  git  tired,  I  stopped  beatin'  a  minnit  to  git  my  wind,  and 
see  how  them  chickens  was  makin'  it  with  them  hoppers. 

"  My  son,  you  may  b'leeve  it  or  not,  jest  as  you  like — 'cause  this  is  a 
free  country — but  right  thar  afore  my  eyes  them  chickens  was  turnirf  inter 
grasshoppers. 

"  Yes,  sir,  sure's  you  live,  they  was  eatin'  so  many  of  them  thar  hop- 
pers that  they  didn't  have  time  to  die-jest  in  'em,  and  they  was  absorb  in' 


G2  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

of  the  elements  of  them  hoppers  and  turnin'  inter  great  big  grasshoppers, 
big  as  a  layin'  hen,  right  afore  my  very  eyes. 

"  I  give  the  alarm,  and  the  fam'ly  quit  fightin'  the  hoppers  what  was 
in  the  air  to  look  at  the  hoppers  what  had  been  chickens ;  and  when  the 
man  seed  what  was  going  on  he  said  he  didn't  care  nothin'  'bout  the  chick- 
ens 'cause  the  grasshoppers  was  concentrated  anyway ;  and  so,  'cordin'  to 
his  orders,  we  all  pitched  in  and  killed  them  grasshoppers  what  but  a  short 
time  before  was  hens. 

"Now,  gentlemen,  I'd  like  your  opinion  on  that  lie,  which,  how- 
sornever,  it  aint,  bein'  a  sollum,  actooal,  positive  fact." 

The  only  reply  was  a  concerted  snore,  from  the  entire  Club,  so  deep 
and  loud  that  it  seemed  as  if  it  would  lift  the  ceiling  off  the  room;  which, 
as  Old  Dad  avers,  did  actually  move  up  a  couple  of  inches. 

Deacon  Toughly  arose  from  his  seat,  and  blinked  at  each  member  of 
the  Club  in  turn.  Then  he  struck  his  cane  violently  on  the  floor,  and  his 
eyes  opened,  and  he  absolutely  glared  upon  the  sleepers ;  and  when  his 
terrible  wrath  found  vent  in  words,  he  said  : 

"I  wish  I  may  be into in  a  minnit  if  I  was  twenty  years 

younger  if  I  couldn't  whip  every scrub  as  belongs  to  this  here 

docl-rotted,  dod-blasted, little  old  one-horse Lyin' 

Club  with  one  hand  tied  behind  me,  the  hull dod-blasted  raft  of 

'em  from  A  to  izzard." 

Echo  answered  but  a  snore ;  several  of  them,  in  fact. 

And  the  Deacon  stalked  out  of  the  Sazerac,  and  never  again  entered 
its  portals  during  the  remainder  of  his  stay  in  Austin.  He  don't  live  in 
Austin  now.  He  left  here  for  San  Francisco  to  sell  his  mines,  failing  in 
which  he  secured  an  engagement  as  a  "  frightful  example  "  to  a  street 
vendor  of  a  marvelous  soap,  that  would  take  grease  out  of  cloth  in  the 
twinkling  of  an  eye  ;  and  for  all  I  know  he  is  still  the  center  of  an  admir- 
ing crowd  on  some  San  Francisco  street  corner,  while  the  soap-vendor  dis- 
plays the  wonderful  effects  of  his  compound  on  the  lappel  of  his  (the  Dea- 
con's) coat,  and  illustrates  by  the  contrast  between  the  clean  oasis,  and  the 
other  portions  of  the  garment,  the  detersive  qualities  of  his  wares. 


Rejected. 

When  the  Deacon  was  out  of  the  room,  and  the  door  closed  behind 
him,  the  Club  awoke  as  by  a  common  impulse. 

"  A  little  warm,  aint  he  ?  "  remarked  the  President. 

"  I  wouldn't  be  as  hot  as  him,  no,  not  for  all  the  mines  in  Lander 
Hill,"  observed  the  Secretary. 

There  was  a  general  expression  of  sentiment  on  the  Deacon's  case, 
all  of  which  was  to  the  effect  that,  though  a  good  and  an  original  "  cus- 
ser,"  he  couldn't  take  a  joke  worth  a  cent,  and  his  lying  qualities  were 
very  far  below  par. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  63 

The  question  being  put  on  the  election  of  the  Deacon,  he  was  unan- 
imously rejected,  and  the  Chair,  returning  the  Secretary's  pipe,  which 
he  had  borrowed  for  this  occasion  only,  announced  that  the  Club  stood 
adjourned  for  the  evening. 


A  Communication. 

"  If  the  Club  isn't  got  no  objection,  I'd  like  to  read  a  little  communi- 
cation," said  the  President,  at  a  recent  meeting  of  the  Sazerac  Lying 
Club. 

Every  member  of  the  Club,  with  the  exception  of  Mr.  Truefact,  re- 
sponded in  a  moment  by  saying,  "  read  ahead,  old  man,"  and  while  Mr. 
T.  was  struggling  to  signify  his  acquiescence  in  words,  the  Chair  took 
from  his  pocket  a  newspaper,  and  unfolding  the  sheet,  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  I  want  to  read  a  communication  contained  in  this  here 
paper ;  I  want  you  all  to  lissen  to  it  and  not  be  interruptin'  of  me,  and 
when  I  conclood  I  want  you  all  to  give  an  opinyon  on  the  merits  of  the 
case  and  decide  if  you  believe  it,  even  if  'tis  printed  in  a  newspaper," 
whereupon  he  proceeded  to  read  as  follows  : 

" '  A  rancher  in  this  vicinity  planted  some  parsnips  on  his  ranch,  and 
while  the  vegetables  were  growing  they  threw  out  such  enormous  roots 
that  when  they  were  ripe  he  found  it  impossible  to  pull  them  by  the  or- 
dinary method.  As  an  experiment,  he  rigged  a  four-fold  purchase  to  one 
of  the  plants,  and  when  by  this  means  he  succeeded  in  pulling  it,  its  exit 
was  followed  by  a  strong  flow  of  water,  and  the  fortunate  rancher  found 
that  he  had  developed  a  valuable  artesian  well.'  " 

"  That  aint  nothin',"  exclaimed  Dad,  before  the  Chair  could  complete 
the  sentence,  "  I  pause  for  a  reply." 

"D-d-did  y-y-you  ev-v-v-er  s-s-s-see  s-s-such  a  oc-c-c-c-ur-r-rin-ince  ? " 
spoke  up  Mr.  Truefact. 

"  I  don't  believe  a  word  of  it,"  growled  the  Doubter. 

"  Oh,  shet  up,  you  fellers,"  resumed  Dad,  "  and  I'll  convince  you  that 
that  thar  communication  as  was  jest  read  by  the  Chair  don't  amount  to  a 
hill  of  beans. 

"  The  most  of  you's  bin  in  Calif orny,  and  you  know  it  gits  away  with 
the  world  for  big  vegetables,  and  all  that  sort  of  bizness.  Why,  when  I 
was  farmin'  in  the  airly  days  in  Sacramento  Valley,  we  used  to  plant 
beets,  so's  we  could  make  sure  of  water  to  irrigate  the  craps  in  the  dry 
seasons.  Some  years  thar's  plenty  water  in  Californy,  but  they  has  'bout 
as  many  dry  years  as  they  has  wet  ones,  and  when  thar  comes  a  drought 
the  hull  face  of  the  country's  burnt  up  like  a  Arizony  desert.  Wai,  we 
used  to  plant  these  here  beets,  and  when  we  didn't  have  no  water  we'd 
jest  rig  a  block  and  tackle  to  the  branches  of  the  vegetable,  and  put  from 
four  to  six  yoke  of  cattle  to  the  other  end  of  the  string,  and  commence 


64  THE  SAZEEAO  LYING    CLUB. 

proddin'  and  punchin'  and  yellin'  at  them  oxen,  and  they'd  yank  out  that 
thar  beet  and  a  stream  of  water  measurin'  from  fifteen  to  twenty  miner's 
inches,  and  we'd  chop  the  beet  up  inter  cord-wood  and  pile  it  away  for 
winter." 

"Why  that  aint  much  different  from  the  newspaper  yarn  —  the  facks 
in  the  case  bein'  'bout  the  same,"  sneeringly  remarked  the  Doubter. 

"S'posin'  it  aint?"  returned  Dad;  "don't  it  corroborate  what  the 
paper  says,  and  show  to  a  sartainty  that  such  things  aint  impossible  ?  " 

The  Doubter  said  he  couldn't  see  it ;  but  the  Chair  interposed  and 
prevented  an  exhibition  of  feeling  among  the  members  by  putting  his 
hand  on  his  hip,  and  saying  : 

"  Gentlemen,  don't  f orgit  that  you  be  gentlemen." 

But  there  was  not  that  fraternity  of  feeling  which  the  Chair  said  it 
would  like  to  see  existing  among  members  of  so  high-toned,  moral,  and 
respectable  an  organization  as  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club.  He  was  sorry  to 
see  a  disposition  among  members  to  question  the  veracity  of  each  other's 
lies,  and  as  he  didn't  believe  there  could,  under  existing  circumstances,  be 
a  free  interchange  of  opinion,  and  a  fitting  communion  of  sentiment,  and 
as  the  congeniality  which  in  the  past  had  so  happily  marked  the  Club's 
discussions  seemed  "  a  little  off  "  this  evening,  he  would  declare  the  Club 
adjourned,  and  hoped  members  would  drown  whatever  feelings  of  rancor 
they  might  possess,  in  the  flowing  bowl,  at  his  expense. 

And  the  rancorous  feelings  were  duly  drowned. 


Indisposed. 

Before  calling  the  Club  to  order,  at  a  recent  regular  meeting,  the  Presi- 
dent pointed  to  a  strip  of  red  flannel  which  was  bound  around  his  neck, 
and  explained  to  the  members  that  he  was  troubled  with  a  sore  throat. 
It  was  not  an  ordinary  sore  throat,  but  he  experienced  a  feeling  as  of 
some  obstruction  having  lodged  in  his  swallowing  department. 

"P-p-p'rap-p-s  its  one  of-f-f  y-y-your  1-1-1-lies  s-t-t-uck  c-c-cross-w-w-ays," 
remarked  Mr.  Truefact. 

"Mebbe  he  was  tryin'  to  tell  the  truth,"  said  the  Doubter  to  Old 
Dad,  sotto  voce. 

"  Nothin'  of  the  kind,  gentlemen,  nothin'  of  the  kind ;  no  insinooations 
if  you  please.  The  affliction  under  which  this  here  Chair  is  now  sufferin' 
is  easily  accounted  for ;  it  arises  from  an  act  of  improodence  on  the  Chair's 
own  part.  I  went  to  bed  last  night  without  takin'  of  my  yoosual  c  night- 
cap '  of  a  little  stimoolant,  with  some  sugar  into  it,  bein'  as  such  negleck 
allers  makes  a  difference  and  affects  my  physical  constitooshun  for  the 
worser.  If  the  Club  is  ready  for  bizness  we  will  dispense  with  callin'  the 
roll,  and  proceed  with 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  65 


"The   Lie   of   the  Evening." 

"Did  you  fellers  see  or  hear  anything  of  that  whirlwind  to-day?" 
asked  Dad,  as  a  preliminary  to  the  "  regular  lie." 

"  I  noticed  somethin'  of  a  disturbance  of  the  atmosphere,"  remarked 
the  Chair. 

"  She  was  pritty  bad  up  on  Lander  Hill,"  observed  the  Aye-and-No 
Member. 

"I  was  out-doors  all  day,"  said  the  Doubter,  "and  seed  sev'ral  small 
whirlwinds,  but  none  of  'em  big  enough  to  amount  to  much." 

"  I  didn't  expect  you  to  know  anything  about  it,"  said  Dad,  (address- 
ing himself  to  the  Doubter)  "  you  never  do  happen  to  see  anything  that 
other  people  sees.  But  I  ask  this  here  Club  as  a  body  if  they  knowed 
there  was  a  big  whirlwind  in  town  to-day?" 

All  the  members  present,  with  the  exception  of  the  Doubter,  said 
they  "knowed." 

"  "Wai,  then,"  resumed  Dad,  "  none  of  you  didn't  see  the  worst  part 
of  it.  I  was  over  to  Marshall  Canon  doin'  some  assessment  work  on  an 
old  claim  I  located  over  thar  in  sixty-three,  and  I  happened  to  look  over 
to'rds  a  ranch  that's  close  by,  and  I  see  that  whirlwind  comin'  over  the 
hill  from  town.  It  was  gainin'  and  gainin'  every  foot  it  traveled,  and  was 
comin'  straight  for  whar  I  was  workin',  and  I  made  up  my  mind  it  was 
about  time  for  me  to  git.  So  I  got.  I  went  straight  for  that  ranch  as 
fast  as  I  could  travel,  but  the  whirlwind  kept  gainin'  on  me,  and  kept 
growin'  taller  and  taller,  and  by  the  time  I  struck  the  door  of  the  house 
on  the  ranch  the  top  of  the  whirler  was  clean  out  of  sight,  and  the  foot  of 
it  must  have  been  as  much  as  a  hunderd  foot  through.  Whirlwinds  is  a 
common  enough  thing  in  this  here  country,  and  you've  all  on  you  seed 
lots  of  'em,  but  I  don't  think  any  of  you's  ever  seed  one  like  this  as  I'm 
tellin'  about.  When  I  got  to  the  house  I  was  out  of  its  track,  and  thar 
was  a  red-headed  woman  stendin'  in  the  door,  skeer't  so  bad  she  couldn't 
talk  straight,  and  I  told  her  if  she  had  any  children  or  other  portable  arti- 
cles lyin'  around  loose,  she  better  corral  'em  quick,  'cause  whirlwinds  aint 
no  respecters  of  persons.  But  she  said  she  didn't  have  only  one  baby,  and 
that  died  of  the  measles  over  in  Californy  two  years  ago.  Gentlemen, 
you've  all  seen  these  here  whirlwinds  pick  up  pieces  of  paper,  and  shingles, 
and  small  children,  and  loose  wagon-wheels,  and  such  trifles,  and  it  stands 
to  reason  that  if  a  common,  ordinary  whirler  can  pick  up  such  things  as 
them,  a  bigger  one  can  carry  off  bigger  things,  can't  it?" 

The  Philosopher  said  that  such  a  hypothesis  was  strictly  in  accord- 
ance with  the  rules  of  logic,  besides  being  in  accordance  with  the  inexora- 
ble laws  of  cause  and  effect. 

"Certingly,  certingly,"  continued  Dad.      "Wai,  you  see,  this  here 
5 


66  THE  SAZEKAC  LYING    CLUB. 

whirler  was  a  good  deal  bigger  than  ordinary,  and  as  it  come  swoopin' 
along  the  ground,  me  and  the  woman  being  out  of  its  track,  and  conse- 
kently  out  of  harm's  way — it  was  makin'  straight  for  a  cow  that  was 
grazin'  on  a  little  grass  patch  close  to  the  house " 

"  D-rl-d-did  it  c-c-c-carry  up  t-t-he  c-c-c-ow?"  interrupted  Mr.  Truefact. 

"  Who  said  so,  smarty  ?  "  returned  Dad,  angrily.  "  No,  it  didn't  carry 
up  no  cow ;  it  missed  the  cow  by  about  a  sixteenth  of  a  inch,  and  tackled  a 
great  big  quartz-wagon  that  had  been  abandoned  in  the  canon  on  account 
of  the  tire  on  the  off  hind- wheel  comin'  off.  And  it  jest  lifted  that  thar 
wagon.  Me  and  the  woman  stood  thar  lookin  at  it,  and  it  commenced  to 
mount  and  mount,  whirlin'  around  like  a  cork  in  a  eddy,  and  a-trav'lin'  a 
lively  gait  to  the  top  of  the  great  big  column  of  dust.  And  all  this  time 
the  whirler  was  a-goin'  to'rds  the  summit  of  the  range,  and  the  last  me 
and  the  woman  see  of  it,  it  was  crossin'  the  range  and  goin'  straight  for 
Smoky  Valley,  whar  I  s'pose  it  busted  and  dumped  the  wagon." 

"  Wai,  I'll  be  bio  wed  ! "  exclaimed  Uncle  John,  who  had  come  into 
the  room  and  taken  his  seat  during  the  course  of  the  preceding  narration. 

All  eyes  were  instantly  turned  on  Uncle  John,  with  a  look  of  wonder 
ing  inquiry ;  and  the  Chair  inquired  if  it  might  take  the  liberty  of  asking 
the  cause  of  the  exclamation  of  surprise  on  the  part  of  Uncle  John. 

"I'd  jest  as  lief  explain  as  not,"  said  the  old  stage-driver ;  "you  see, I 
thought  it  was  a  yearthquake.  As  I  was  drivin'  the  stage  along  over  the 
road  in  Smoky  Valley  this  afternoon,  at  a  pi'nt  'bout  two  miles  this  side  of 
the  salt-marsh,  thar  suddently  come  a  shock  of  the  yearth,  which  lifted 
the  coach  clean  off  the  road,  with  five  passengers,  the  mail  and  express, 
and  nine  bars  of  bullion.  We  all  thought  it  was  a  yearthquake ;  but  since 
hearin'  Dad  tell  about  the  whirlwind  and  the  wagon,  thar's  a  natural  con- 
clusion to  be  come  to  regardin'  of  the  cause  of  the  trouble.  It  must  hev 
been  that  thar  wagon  strikin'  ground  what  shook  up  the  yearth  in  Smoky 
Valley,  so's  to  make  things  that  warm  for  the  stage.  Thar  aint  most 
nothin'  but  can't  be  accounted  for,  when  you  know  the  circumstances  as 
caused  it." 

When  Uncle  John  had  concluded,  Dad  cast  a  triumphant  glance  at 
the  Doubter,  who  muttered  something  about  Uncle  John  not  being  any 
better  than  other  folks,  even  if  he  was  a  stage  -  driver ;  but  the  Chair 
poured  oil  upon  the  troubled  waters  by  the  relation  of  a  reminiscence  of 

How  the   San   Francisco  Vigilantes 
Originated. 

"  Mr.  Truefact,"  said  he,  addressing  himself  to  that  individual,  "  don't 
you  know  you've  got  a  mighty  bad  habit  of  anticipatin'  the  lies  of  members 
of  this  here  Club  ?  Now  I  actually  b'leeve  that  if  it  hadn't  been  for  you 
interruptin'  of  Dad  when  he  was  tellin'  'bout  that  whirlwind,  that  cow 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  67 

would  hev'  went  up  in  it  over  the  range  inter  Smoky  Valley,  instead  of 
that  air  wagon,  and  we'd  had  Uncle  John  tellin'  of  a  shower  of  meat,  like 
the  newspapers  say  they  hed  back  in  Kaintucky  a  short  time  back.  Yeartli- 
quakes  isn't  uncommon  in  this  country,  but  showers  of  meat  is;  so  jest  see 
what  a  phenomena  (I  b'leeve  they  call  it)  a  little  interruption  can  spoil!  " 

The  Philosopher  explained  that  "  phenomenon  "  was  the  correct  word 
N  to  use  in  such  connection. 

"  Wai,  I  know  what  I  mean,  anyway,"  observed  the  Chair,  with  an 
indignant  look  at  the  Philosopher ;  u  and  my  remarks  about  interruptions 
can  be  taken  by  one  member  jest  as  well  as  another.  But  to  resume  : 

"  Now,  Mr.  Truefact,  p'raps  you're  not  aware  of  it,  that  jest  such  a 
man  as  you  was  the  starter  of  the  Vigilance  Committee  in  San  Francisco 
in  the  early  days." 

Mr.  Truefact  endeavored  to  stutter  his  surprise  at  such  a  statement. 

"  Yes,  sir,  jest  such  a  stutterin'  cuss  as  you  started  the  Vigilantys  to 
work.  It  come  about  in  this  ways : 

"In  the  airly  days  in  San  Francisco  thar  always  used  to  be  a  terrible 
big  rush  to  the  Post -Office  when  the  steamers  come  in  —  'cause  the  pio- 
neers, bein'  young  them  days,  was  in  angziety  to  git  letters  from  their 
folks  to  home,  and  to  git  little  billy-duxes  from  the  gals  they  left  behind 
'em  in  the  States  when  they  come  out  here  to  pick  up  gold  by  the  bushel 
off  the  top  of  the  ground,  with  no  trouble  only  the  stoopin'  over  for  it. 
But  you  all  know  how  that  was  yourself,  and  that  when  we  got  whar  the 
gold  was,  it  took  some  powerful  hard  work  to  git  sight  of  a  color;  that  is, 
in  most  cases,  bein'  as  I've  knowed  men  to  take  out  as  much  as  six  hun- 
dred dollars  to  the  pan,  and  a  long  ways  to  bed-rock,  to  say  nothin'  of 
what's  bin  taken  out  with  rockers,  and  toms,  and  sluice-boxes. 

"  Wai,  as  I  was  a-sayin',  thar  always  used  to  be  a  great  rush  to  the 
Post- Office  when  the  steamer  come  in  from  the  States;  and  so's  thar 
wouldn't  be  no  confusion,  every  man  as  was  expectin'  letters  was  com- 
pelled to  take  his  place  in  a  long  line,  and  stay  thar  till  his  turn  come  to 
git  to  the  winder  whar  they  handed  out  the  letters.  I  never  lived  much 
in  'Frisco  myself,  but  I've  heern  tell  from  the  boys  what  used  to  go  down 
thar  to  git  a  chance  to  spend  their  dust,  that  sometimes  a  man  would  be 
'bleeged  to  stay  two  hull  days  in  that  thar  line  afore  his  turn  would  come 
at  the  winder.  I  s'pose  they  used  to  carry  grub  in  their  pockets  to  last 
'em  the  shift.  Likewise  I've  heern  tell  that  many  a  man  made  a  home- 
stake  those  days  by  standin'  in  the  line  till  he  got  up  pritty  close  to  the 
winder  and  then  sellin'  out  his  chance  for  all  the  way  from  an  ounce  up 
to  five  hundred  dollars  to  fellers  as  had  more  money  than  time  and  was  in 
a  big  hurry  for  their  letters,  and  then  resoomin'  his  place  ag'in  at  the  tail 
end  of  the  line,  and  sellin'  out  ag'in  when  he  got  close  up — like  you've 
seen  fellers  sell  their  chance  for  a  shave  on  n,  Sunday  mornin'  in  a  barber 

p,  only  the  figgers  isn't  so  big. 


68  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUE. 

"  One  mornin'  the  steamer  come  in  'bout  ten  o'clock,  and  thar  was  the 
usual  rush  to  the  Post-Office,  and  long  afore  the  winders  opened  thar  was 
strings  of  men  reachin'  way  off  for  as  much  as  a  dozen  blocks,  ev'ry  man 
waitin'  his  turn  to  ask  for  letters.  The  fust  man  to  git  to  the  '  M  to  Z ' 
winder  was  a  Slavonyon,  (Sclavonian)  which  was  mighty  thick  in  Cali- 
forny  in  the  airly  days,  hevin'  come  in  with  the  first  rush.  This  here  Sla- 
vonyon kep'  a  fruit-stand  down  on  the  wharf  close  to  the  office,  and  conse- 
kently  got  thar  one  of  the  fust.  He  hed  a  name  as  long  as  a  shovel-handle, 
and  stuttered  so  bad  he  couldn't  even  sneeze  without  stammerin'.  When 
the  winder  was  shot  up,  and  the  dark  stood  thar  ready  to  hand  out  letters, 
this  here  Slavonyon  started  to  say  his  name,  and  commenced  a-stutterin' 
and  a-stammerin',  but  he  couldn't  make  it.  He  hed  his  rights,  like  any 
other  man  as  wasn't  a  nigger  or  a  Injin  or  a  Chinaman,  and  so  the  crowd 
didn't  kill  him  then  and  thar,  but  kep'  on  patient  like,  waitin'  for  him  to 
purnounce  his  name.  Twelve  o'clock  come,  and  he  hedn't  managed  to 
purnounce  only  the  fust  letter,  which  was  a  V,  and  the  dark  was  a-holdin' 
of  the  V  letters  in  his  right  hand,  a  spittin'  on  his  left  thumb,  ready  to  sort 
over  the  bundle  for  this  Slavonyon's  letter.  But  the  clock  stroke  twelve, 
and  a  post-office  dark  is  like  time  and  the  tide — don't  wait  for  his  lunch 
for  no  man — and  down  come  the  winder. 

"  The  crowd  was  pritty  riley  by  this  time,  and  a  merchant  what  had 
a  lot  of  goods  on  the  steamer,  and  didn't  know  how  much  profit  to  charge 
on  'em  till  he'd  got  his  letters  about  'em,  offered  the  Slavonyon  a  thousand 
dollars  in  good,  clean,  bankable  dust  for  his  chance ;  but  the  Slavonyon 
wouldn't  lissen  to  no  offer  of  money,  and  when  the  winder  opened  ag'in 
he  resoomed  tryin'  to  purnounce  his  name.  But  'twarn't  no  go ;  and  when 
six  o'clock  come  and  the  office  shet  up  for  the  night,  he'd  only  got  as  fur 
as  the  fust  syllable  of  that  forty-rod  name  of  his'n." 

"  This  was  more'n  the  crowd  could  stand,  and  that  night  they  held  a 
citizens'  meetin'  on  the  plaza  and  adopted  resolutions  that  the  city's  safety 
was  in  danger,  and  'pinted  a  committy  to  take  that  Slavonyon  out  and 
hang  him.  'Cordin'ly,  the  committy  went  down  to  the  Post-Office,  whar 
that  Slavonyon  was  standin'  with  his  face  agin'  the  *  M  to  Z '  winder,  waitin' 
for  the  office  to  open  next  mornin',  and  snatched  him  bald-headed  up  to  the 
City  Hall,  and  runnin'  a  beam  out  from  the  roof  of  the  buildin',  they  hung 
him  as  dead  as  a  nit. 

"  This  was  the  starter  of  the  Vig'lance  Committy,  and  hevin'  their 
blood  up  from  the  hangin'  of  this  stutterin'  Slavonyon,  they  waded  in  and 
hung  and  druv  out  all  the  other  dangerous  characters  out  of  the  State. 
And  now,  Mr.  Truefact,  let  this  be  a  warnin'  to  you  in  the  future ! " 

"  Yes,  let  it  be  a  warnin',"  said  the  Aye-and-Nb  Member  solemnly. 

Mr.  Truefact  rose  to  his  feet  and  commenced  working  his  lips,  as  if 
striving  to  give  utterance  to  the  emotion  which  was  evidently  working 
within  him ;  but  the  Chair  brought  its  cane  down  on  the  stove  in  so  em- 
phatic a  manner  that  it  woke  up  the  Philosopher,  who  had  fallen  asleep 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  69 

during  the  relation  of  the  history  of  the  Vigilantes.  Then  looking  sternly 
at  the  struggling  stutterer,  the  Chair  announced  : 

"  No  explanation  is  necessary  from  Mr.  Truefact  nor  no  other  mem- 
ber, and  I  declar'  this  here  Club  adjourned  for  the  evenin'." 

The  Chair's  fiat  in  the  matter  of  adjournment  is,  by  a  rule  of  the 
Club,  unquestionable  and  undebatable,  and  the  members  sadly  arose  from 
their  seats,  and  as  the  barkeeper  began  to  turn  down  the  lamps,  they  de- 
parted through  the  door  in  a  mournful  procession. 


A    Lie-Brary. 


On  calling  the  Club  to  order,  the  Chair  announced  that,  as  the  subject 
of  a  library  for  the  Club  had  been  broached,  he  would  like  to  hear  an  ex- 
pression from  the  members  as  to  the  most  feasible  plan  of  raising  the  money 
for  the  purpose — whether  by  assessment,  or  by  voluntary  contributions 
from  the  members.  During  the  discussion  which  arose  on  this  point,  there 
was  considerable  feeling  manifested  by  the  springing  of  the  question  as  to 
who  should  act  as  Lie-brarian,  each  member  claiming  that  he  possessed  the 
peculiar  qualifications  necessary  for  that  office ;  and  the  Chair,  being  ap- 
pealed to,  decided  that,  as  the  Club  in  itself  constituted  all  the  lie-brary 
required,  and  each  member  was  a  natural  born  lie-brarian,  further  debate 
was  unnecessary  on  the  subject,  and  the  Club  would  keep  on  in  the  old 
groove,  relying,  as  before,  on  the  newspapers  and  religious  tracts  for 
inspiration. 

This  discussion  being  ended,  the  Chair  announced  that  the  Philoso- 
pher had  recently  been  making  some  scientific  experiments,  and  if  he  (the 
Philosopher)  had  no  objection,  the  Club  would  like  to  hear  from  him  as 
to  their  object  and  the  degree  of  success  attending  them.  Whereupon, 
the  Philosopher  took  the  floor,  and  related  the  details  of 

A   Scientific   Experiment. 

The  Philosopher  stated  that  he  had  recently  become  impressed  with 
the  idea  that  there  was  some  reason  in  the  theory  that  the  discharge  of 
gunpowder  created  conditions  in  the  atmosphere  which  resulted  in  rain, 
and  had  therefore  set  his  mind  to  work  to  perfect  a  machine  which,  at  small 
outlay,  should  accomplish  this  end.  In  pursuance  of  this  plan,  he  pur- 
chased a  quantity  of  detonating  powder,  gunpowder,  blasting  powder, 
nitro-glycerine,  and  gun-cotton.  His  idea  was  that  by  mixing  these  vari- 
ous explosives  he  would  create  a  compound  which,  while  occupying  a  small 
space,  would  exert  a  greater  force  than  a  much  larger  bulk  of  either  oper- 
ated with  singly.  Procuring  an  old  quicksilver  flask  and  some  fuse,  he 
started  for  Birch  Creek  to  make  his  first  experiment.  Arrived  on  the 


70  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

ground,  he  placed  his  explosives  in  the  flask,  which  he  set  on  top  of  a  high 
mountain,  and  attaching  a  fuse  about  a  mile  in  length  he  went  to  the  other 
end  of  the  fuse  and  touched  her  off.  Pretty  soon  he  thought  he  heard 
something,  and  Tie  did.  The  mountain  was  lifted  just  fourteen  feet  from 
its  foundation,  by  actual  measurement,  and  it  came  down  with  such  force 
as  to  jolt  him  off  the  rock  on  which  he  was  seated.  In  a  few  moments 
a  cloud  appeared  in  the  sky,  which  each  moment  grew  heavier,  until  in  a 
little  while  the  weight  of  the  water  it  contained  was  too  great  for  the  at- 
mosphere to  bear  up,  and  it  came  down  with  a  thud.  After  the  experi- 
menter had  noticed  how  the  entire  bed  of  the  canon  was  washed  out,  and 
saw  four  or  five  hills  jumbled  up  together  in  the  valley  below,  he  realized 
that  he  had  created  a  cloud-burst  instead  of  a  shower.  The  experiment  had 
satisfied  him,  however,  that  his  principle  was  correct,  and  he  was  convinced 
that  the  fault  of  the  machine  was  that  its  effect  was  too  concentrated — that 
it  must  scatter  more.  He  announced  to  the  Club  that  he  intended  to  re- 
sume his  experiments  at  the  first  favorable  opportunity ;  but  the  Chair 
said  he  hoped  the  member  would  not  insist  on  continuing.  He  (the  Chair) 
believed  in  the  theory,  and  thought  it  might  be  accomplished  if  a  man 
would  go  to  Death  Valley  or  the  heart  of  Africa  to  try  the  experiments. 
But  here  in  this  inhabited  land  it  was  dangerous ;  there  was  a  liability  that 
in  attempting  to  create  rain  the  experimenter  would  desolate  the  country 
with  cloud-bursts ;  and  he,  (the  Chair)  for  one,  would  frown  down  and 
rebuke  in  his  sternest  tones  any  further  attempts  at  interference  with  the 
ordinary  course  of  nature's  affairs. 

The  other  members  unanimously  coincided  with  the  President's  view 
of  the  case,  even  the  Doubter  declaring  that  there  was  already  more  water 
in  the  country  than  was  actually  needed  for  home  consumption ;  and  as 
for  him,  he  had  got  along  without  it  for  years,  and  thought  he  could  keep 
on  doing  without  it  till  the  cold  finger  of  death  beckoned  him  to  his  heav- 
enly home. 

Whereupon,  the  Philosopher  said :  "  '  A  prophet  is  not  without  honor 
save  in  his  own  country,'  "  and  that  he  had  thought  the  tendency  of  the  age 
was  to  seek  for  more  light  through  the  revelations  of  science.  But  as  for 
him,  he'd  like  to  know  what  show  Darwin,  or  Herbert  Spencer,  or  Draper, 
or  Tyndall,  or  "  any  of  them  scientific  cusses  "  would  have  in  a  Club  like 
this,  and  he  did  not  know  but  he  had  a  big  notion  to  resign. 

"  Small  favors  thankfully  received,  large  ones  in  proportion,"  sarcas- 
tically remarked  the  President. 

"  Yes,"  returned  the  Philosopher  angrily,  "  you'd  like  me  to  resign  so 
that  you  fellers  could  go  on  deridin'  science,  and  tellin'  of  yarns  which  is 
in  contradiction  of  all  scientific  truth,  and  puts  to  the  blush  any  man  who 
has  read  and  studied  and  sought  to  probe  into  the  depths  of  the  illimitable 
that  he  might  yank  out  therefrom  some  great  and  startling  fact  that  would 
inure  to  the  benefit  of  our  posterity  for  ages  and  ages  yet  to  come.  But 
I  won't  quit;  I'll  jest  keep  on  settin' here,  listcnin' to  your  outrageous- 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  71 

ness,  and  your  contradictions  of  science,  jest  so's  I  may  act  as  a  check  upon 
the  miserable  fallacies  you're  in  the  habit  of  puttin'  forth  to  the  detriment 
and  injury  of  the  good,  the  noble,  the  true,  and  the  great,  which  aint  found 
in  nothin'  but  the  revelations  of  science." 

"  Does  the  gentleman  desire  that  Mr.  Truefact — a  brother  member, 
and  as  good  a  man  of  his  inches  as  ever  made  a  track  on  top  of  the  green 
yearth — does  he  desire  that  he  shall  git  the  lock-jaw?"  sternly  inquired 
the  President. 

A  glance  at  the  Stuttering  Member  revealed  him  with  his  arms  ex- 
tended and  his  mouth  wide  open,  with  jaws  firmly  fixed,  and  eyes  protrud- 
ing from  their  sockets. 

"  You  see,  gentlemen,"  continued  the  President,  "  Mr.  Truefact,  in 
attemptin'  a  reply  to  the  Philosopher,  has  got  stuck  on  one  of  them  big 
words  made  use  of  by  the  gentleman  in  that  thar  unparliamentary  lan- 
guage of  his'n  to'rds  the  Club.  S waller  it,  Mr.  Truefact,  s waller  it,  if  you 
can't  git  it  out." 

By  a  motion  of  the  hand,  Mr.  Truefact  indicated  that  he  required 
some  fluid  with  which  to  wash  it  down;  and  the  Club  went  into  Commit- 
tee of  the  Whole  to  lead  him  to  the  bar,  where  Mr.  T.  soon  recovered  suf- 
ficiently to  announce  that  he  would  take  it  "straight." 

The  other  members,  also,  renewed  the  assurances  of  their  distin- 
guished consideration,  and  the  President,  after  warning  the  Philosopher 
against  the  use  of  unparliamentary  language  in  future  discussions,  declared 
the  Club  adjourned  for  the  evening. 


Artificial   Incubation. 

"  We  was  discussin'  of  science  the  other  evenin',  when  brother  An- 
anias Truefact  come  near  to  gittin'  the  lock-jaw,  and  would  a'  got  it,  too, 
if  it  hadn't  been  for  remedies  bein'  handy." 

Thus  spoke  the  Secretary,  as  the  sound  of  the  words  "  I'm  here,  you 
bet,"  from  the  member  whose  name  came  last  on  the  roll,  died  on  the  air. 

"Yes,"  said  the  President,  "and  I  hope,  Mr.  Seccertary, that  you  aint 
goin'  to  forgit  yourself  so  far  as  to  go  out  of  the  strict  line  of  your  dooty, 
as  laid  down  in  our  Constitution  and  By-laws,  and  ring  in  no  jaw-smashin', 
couf  usin'  words  onto  this  here  Club." 

"  Not  much,"  replied  the  Secretary ;  "  that  aint  my  style.  Still,  at 
the  same  time,  as  I  may  here  remark,  I'm  somethin'  of  a  stoodint  of  sci- 
ence myself.  Has  any  of  you  gentlemen  read  in  the  papers  about  that 
thar  preacher  over  to  Reno  as  has  throwed  up  preachin'  the  Gospil  to  go 
to  raisin'  chickens  by  hatchin'  of  'em  himself,  bein'  as  it  pays  better  ?  " 

Several  members  responded  that  they  had  read  concerning  the  matter 
to  which  the  Secretary  referred ;  and  then  that  official,  addressing  himself 
to  the  Chair,  said  : 


72  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  Now,  Mr.  President,  I  want  to  ask  you  if  you  think  this  here  thing 
can  be  did  ?  " 

The  Chair  announced  that  it  had  no  knowledge  of  any  provision  in 
the  By-laws  of  the  Club  which  compelled  the  presiding  officer  to  commit 
himself  for  or  against  any  particular  theory  that  might  be  advanced  ;  but 
at  the  same  time,  for  his  part,  he  preferred  chickens  that  had  been  pro- 
duced in  the  natural  and  old-fashioned  way. 

"  Wai,"  resumed  the  Secretary,  "  I  don't  believe  it  can  be  did,  'cause 
I've  tried  it  myself,  and  it  wouldn't  work. 

"As  I  was  standin'  in  the  door  of  my  cabin  a  few  weeks  back,  this 
here  member  as  calls  hisself  the  Philosopher,  and  slings  dictionary  around 
like  as  if  he  was  the  man  as  made  it,  come  along,  and  we  got  to  talkin' 
about  hatchin'  chickens  in  what  they  call  the  artifishal  way.  I  didn't  take 
no  stock  in  the  thing,  but  he  said  it  could  be  did  as  easy  as  rollin'  off  a  log. 
So  I  ask't  him  how  they  did  it,  thinkin'  that  what  one  man  could  do  might 
be  did  by  another,  and  I  couldn't  lose  nothin'  by  tryin'  of  it,  and  might 
afore  long  have  chicken  three  times  a  day  for  jest  buyin'  the  eggs.  'Wai,' 
he  said,  'the  eggs  must  be  exposed  to  a  certain  temperature' — them's  his 
words,  not  mine — '  and  in  the  course  of  the  proper  time  they  would  go 
through  the  pro-cess  of  incubation,  and  when  the  chicken  was  done  it 
would,  'cordin'  to  the  natural  law  that  everything  in  this  here  world  has  a 
instink  to  struggle  for  existence — come  bouncin'  out'n  the  shell  like  it  was 
shot  from  a  gun.'  He  said  he  b'leeved  a  good  way  would  be  to  get  a  egg 
and  put  it  in  a  bottle  and  cork  it  up  tight,  so's  the  chicken  couldn't  git 
away  when  it  was  hatched,  and  to  keep  the  business  at  a  hundred  and 
thirty  degrees  of  heat  by  one  of  these  common,  ordinary  thermometers, 
such  as  you  can  see  round  most  any  place. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  my  eddicashun  aint  bin  neglected  so's  I  can't  read 
how  cold  or  how  hot  it  is  by  the  thermometer ;  and  as  I'm  a  man  what 
himself  is  somewhat  given  to  reas'nin'  from  cause  to  effeck,  I  pritty  soon 
dropped  on  it  how  I  could  run  the  thermometer  up  to  a  hundred  and 
thirty. 

"  I  told  the  Philosopher  I  was  goin'  to  try  of  this  here  experiment, 
and  tell  him  how  the  old  thing  worked,  and  I'm  tellin'  of  it  to  him  this 
minnit." 

"  I  s'pose  you  succeeded  in  achievin'  a  scientific  triumph,  and  in  dem- 
onstratin'  the  fact  that  an  incubatin'  heat  applied  to  a  egg  must,  of  necessity, 
and  strictly  in  accordance  with  immutable  laws,  incubate  somethin',  didn't 
you  ?  "  inquired  the  Philosopher. 

"Yes,"  replied  the  Secretary,  "it  incubated  somethin',  but  let  me  con- 
tinner  my  story. 

"Procurin*  of  some  Salt  Lake  eggs — ranch  eggs  is  dear,  but  Salt 
Lake  eggs  is  good  enough  for  om'lets  and  tryin'  experiments — I  put  one 
of  'em  inter  the  bottle,  and  set  it  on  a  box,  and  rammed  the  cork  in  tight. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  73 

Then  to  fix  the  thermometer  up  to  the  right  figger  was  the  next  question. 
I  found  by  holdin'  a  lighted  match  up  ag'in  the  quicksilver  in  the  little 
glass  ball  in  the  bottom  of  the  thermometer,  I  could  run  her  up  to  a  hund- 
red and  thirty  pretty  quick,  but  I  couldn't  be  standin'  thar  holdin'  a  match 
for  three  weeks.  But  I  got  a  bright  idee. 

"  I  hired  two  Injins,  and  divided  'em  into  a  day  shift  and  a  night  shift. 
Then  I  pasted  a  piece  of  white  paper  on  the  wall  'long  side  of  the  hundred 
and  thirty  mark — cause  Injins  can't  read  figgers,  as  you  all  know — and 
then  I  lit  a  caudle  and  showed  the  Injins  how  the  quicksilver  would  run 
up  to  that  thar  paper,  instructin'  of  'em  to  take  away  the  candle  when  it 
tried  to  crawl  up  higher,  and  put  it  back  when  it  dropped  down  lower. 
After  drillin'  of  'em  a  while  they  dropped  on  the  bizness,  and  onc't  they 
got  their  hands  in  they  could  keep  her  rangin'  about  a  hundred  and  thirty 
quite  reg'lar. 

"  Wai,  I  kep  those  Injins  at  this  bizness  for  three  weeks  stiddy,  one 
on  the  day  shift  and  the  other  buck  on  the  night  shift ;  and  when  the  time 
come  when  thar  ought  to  be  a  chicken  or  a  addled  egg  under  the  old  system 
of  hatchin'  with  hens,  I  went  to  look  for  my  chicken,  but  it  wasn't  thar." 
"  May  I  ask  the  gentleman  a  question  ?  "  interrupted  the  Doubter,  at 
this  point. 

"  Certainly,"  responded  the  Chair. 

"Wai,"  resumed  the  Doubter,  "Mr.  Seccertary,  how  did  you  git  that 
thar  egg  into  that  thar  bottle  ?  " 

"  Jest  oiled  her  and  crammed  her  in,"  was  the  reply. 
"Ah,  I  see,"  interposed  the  Philosopher,  "by  so  doin'  you  brought  the 
constituents  of  the  egg  under  a  certain  compression,  as  it  were,  thereby 
destroy  in'  of  its  incubatin'  capacity." 

"  I  don't  know  nothin'  'bout  what  you're  talkin'  about,"  said  the  Secre- 
tary to  the  Philosopher,  "  but  I  do  know  mighty  well  that  the  experiment 
produced  somethin'  as  wasn't  in  the  bottle  when  I  put  the  egg  in  thar." 

"  Ah,  now  we're  comin'  at  one  of  the  results  of  science ! "  exclaimed 
the  Philosopher  triumphantly.  "  What  was  it,  Mr.  Secretary,  that  the  ex- 
periment produced  in  the  bottle,  as  wasn't  in  thar  when  you  put  the 
egg  in?" 

"Yes,  what  was  it?"  cried  the  entire  Club  in  chorus. 
" It  was  a  powerful  bad  smell"  replied  the  Secretary,  with  emphasis, 
and  as  he  spoke  he  drew  from  his  pocket  a  bottle.   Extracting  the  cork,  he 
held  up  the  bottle  and  said : 

"  Those  as  don't  b'lieye  it  can  smell  for  hisself." 

But  the  Club  needed  no  evidence  beyond  that  which  came  into  their 
possession  simultaneously  with  the  drawing  of  the  cork.  It  was  the  ev- 
idence of  their  own  senses — that  is,  of  one  of  their  senses,  the  sense  of 
smell ;  and  as  the  odor  from  the  bottle  began  to  permeate  the  air  of  the 
room,  there  was  a  general  stampede  of  the  Club  for  the  door ;  and  the  bar- 
keeper stood  not  on  the  order  of  his  going,  but  cleared  the  counter  at  one 


74  THE   SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

jump  and  went  out  of  the  door  as  if  he  had  important  business  with  a  man 
in  the  street,  and  only  the  sixteenth  part  of  a  second  to  go. 

After  the  members  of  the  Club  had  induced  the  Secretary  to  come  out- 
side for  a  minute,  and  they  had  talked  with  him,  and  argued  the  case,  and 
remonstrated  with  him  for  about  an  hour,  and  he  had  been  carried  home 
on  a  mattress  by  his  friends,  the  barkeeper  said  he  guessed  he  would  take 
the  adjournment  into  his  own  hands  to-night,  and  thereupon  declared  the 
Club  adjourned. 

And  as  the  members  moved  away  from  the  door,  the  President  told 
the  Philosopher  that  this  was  all  his  fault,  and  he  might,  between  then 
and  the  next  meeting,  consider  himself  a  standing  committee  on  disinfect- 
ants. 

A  Martyr. 

At  the  meeting  succeeding  the  one  last  recorded,  the  Secretary  ap- 
peared with  his  head  swathed  in  bandages,  and  a  very  woe-begone  expres- 
sion on  so  much  of  his  countenance  as  was  not  covered  by  sticking  plaster 
and  blue  marks. 

"  Mr.  Secretary,"  said  the  Chair,  addressing  itself  to  the  scribe,  "  'pears 
to  me  as  if  you  must  hev  been  engaged  in  a  animated  argument  with  the 
crank  of  a  windlass." 

"  Looks  like  he'd  been  run  up  into  the  sheaves  in  a  h'istin'  works  at 
some  of  the  mines,  yanked  round  up  thar  a  few  times,  then  drapped  a  few 
hundred  feet  down  the  shaft  and  come  into  contact  with  the  piston  of  a 
steam  pump,''  observed  Old  Dad. 

"  Mebbe  he's  bin  examinin'  of  a  thrashin'  machine  while  it  was  a-goin', 
to  see  what  constituted  its  active  principle,"  suggested  the  Philosopher. 

"  Gentlemen,"  spoke  up  Mr.  Thirsty,  "  you's,  all  of  you,  clean  out  of 
the  way.  JFH  tell  you  what  our  worthy  Secretary  looks  like — he  looks 
like  a  man  as  hasn't  had  a  drink  for  upwards  of  two  mortal  hours ;  and 
actin'  on  that  hypothesis,  I  move  you,  Mr.  President,  that  afore  calling'  this 
here  Club  to  order,  we  all  adjourn  in  a  body  to  the  bar  and  partake  of  a 
little  ref reshin'  stimulant — me  standin'  the  expense." 

And  the  Club  adjourned  as  requested. 

When  the  members  resumed  their  seats  the  Secretary  rose  to  a  ques- 
tion of  privilege. 

"  State  your  question  of  privilege,"  said  the  Chair,  "  and  if  you've  got 
anything  ag'in  any  member  here  present,  you  better  wait  till  you  git  inter 
fightin'  condition  afore  makin'  a  detailed  statement  of  your  grievances  to 
this  here  Club." 

"  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen  of  the  Club,"  answered  the  Secretary, 
"  I  only  wish  to  state  that  in  gazin'  upon  this  here  noble  form  which  now 
stands  afore  you,  you're  lookin'  at  a  martyr  to  Science." 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  75 

"  I  b'leeve,  Mr.  President,"  here  interposed  the  Doubter,  "  that  the 
meanin'  of  a  martyr  is  one  of  them  fellers  what  gits  the  worst  of  a  fight, 
aint  it  ?  " 

"  Somethin'  to  that  effeck,"  replied  the  President,  "  but  I  must  put  a 
end  to  personal  explanations  and  take  up  the  regular  order  of  bizncss, 
which  is  under  the  head  of  *  reports  of  committys  ' ;  be  thai*  any  com- 
mittys  ready  to  report  ?  " 

"  As  cheerman  of  the  Committy  on  Disinfectants,"  replied  the  Philos- 
opher, "  I  beg  leave  to  submit  a  report." 

"  Does  the  gentleman  have  leave  ?  "  asked  the  Chair. 

"  He  do,"  replied  the  Aye-and-No  Member,  unanimously. 

"  The  gentleman  will  proceed  with  his  report." 


The  Disinfectant  Report. 

"  Wal,  then,  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen,  'cordin'  to  the  instructions 
of  the  Chair,  which  'pinted  me  on  this  committy  at  the  last  precedin' 
meetin'  held  previous  to  this  one,  I  hev  made  a  investigation  of  the  sub- 
jeck  of  disinfectin'.  On  consultin'  the  authorities,  I  find  that  one  of  the 
most  powerful  and  at  the  same  time  most  innercent  and  rejuvenatin'  of 
stuff  for  disinfectin'  purposes  is  whisky." 

"Taken  in'nardly,  I  s'pose?"  interrupted  Mr.  Thirsty. 

"  That's  'cordin'  to  the  circumstances,"  resumed  the  Philosopher ; 
"  thar  be  cases  whar  it's  bin  known  to  hev  a  grat'f yin'  effeck  by  rubbin'  of 
it  in  through  the  pores  of  the  skin." 

"  I'd  like  to  know,"  angrily  interrupted  the  Chair,  "  if  the  gentleman 
knows  what  he's  talkin'  about ;  he  was  'pinted  a  committy  on  somethin'  to 
remove  the  bad  effecks  of  ancient  eggs  from  this  here  room,  and  here  he's 
reportin'  on  stimulants.  Do  you  know,  sir,  that  you're  so  fur  out  of  order 
that  you'll  hev'  to  step  'round  powerful  lively  to  git  in  ag'in  ?  " 

The  Philosopher  humbly  explained  that  he  supposed  whisky  was  good 
for  most  everything,  and  the  Club  by  unanimous  consent  sustained  him  in 
that  opinion,  and  politely  requested  the  Chair  to  "  shut  up." 

And  the  Chair  said  he  always  gave  way  to  the  verdict  of  the  major- 
ity— but  that  there  was  not  a  member  of  the  Club  who  could  get  away 
with  him  single-handed ;  and  then  he  asked  : 

"What's  the  next  order  of  bizness,  Mr.  Seccertary?" 

The  Secretary  replied  that,  so  far  as  he  was  concerned,  the  order  of 
business  was  to  go  home  to  bed ;  for  he  was  suffering  so  with  the  head- 
ache that  he  was  liable  to  tell  the  truth  at  any  moment. 

This  the  Chair  decided  to  be  a  sufficient  excuse  for  absence ;  and  he 
hoped  that  all  members  who  might  at  any  time  be  similarly  afflicted  would 
not  endanger  the  integrity  of  the  Club,  and  strike  a  fatal  blow  atjthe  prin- 

/^TB^ 

f  OF  T 

I  TJNIVERSITir 


76  THE  SAZEKAC  LYING    CLUB. 

ciples  on  which  it  was  founded,  by  continuing  to  take  part  in  its  delibera- 
tions while  in  such  an  irresponsible  condition. 

The  Secretary  was  thereupon  excused,  and  took  his  departure  for  his 
virtuous  couch. 

Pioneer  Prices. 

"Has  any  member  anything  to  offer  for  the  { Good  of  the  Order'  ?  " 
asked  the  Chair,  after  the  Secretary  had  taken  his  departure. 

"  I  don't  know  of  anything,  unless  some  of  us  orders  the  drinks,"  ven- 
tured the  Aye-and-No  Member,  who  felt  that  it  devolved  on  him,  and  him 
alone,  to  answer  this  question. 

"  The  gentleman  has  unanimous  consent  to  adopt  his  own  suggestion," 
decided  the  Chair. 

The  Aye-and-No  Member  duly  made  his  jingle  on  the  bar,  and  when 
the  members  returned  to  their  seats  he  made  his  maiden  speech  in  the 
Club.  He  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  times  aint  what  they  used  to  be  in  the  airly  days.  I  re- 
member when  I  was  minin'  on  the  north  fork  of  Feather  River,  I  had  a 
sack  that  full  of  dust  and  that  long  that  I  could  treat  the  house  and  pay 
four  bits  a  drink  easier  than  I  can  treat  this  Club  and  put  up  only  two 
bits  a  drink  now." 

"Yes,  prices  have  degenerated  since  then,"  sighed  the  Chair,  as  he 
sadly  drew  out  the  "draft"  of  the  stove,  and  blew  his  emotion  into  the 
ashes.  Then,  running  his  coat-sleeve  across  his  nose,  he  said  : 

"  Why,  many's  the  time  I've  paid  a  dollar  in  dust  for  jest  one  plug  of 
tobacker." 

"Yes,"  spoke  up  Mr.  Thirsty,  "  but  what  you  had  to  pay  for  tobacker 
and  whisky,  and  them  necessaries,  warn't  nothin'  compared  to  what  you 
was  charged  for  the  luxuries.  Jest  think  of  flour  at  a  dollar  a  pound ! 
And  for  such  a  thing  as  green  truck — why  a  load  of  vegetables  was  worth 
more  as  a  claim  what  was  payin'  an  ounce  a  day  to  the  man !  You  know 
the  boys  in  them  days  used  to  think  that  if  they  didn't  git  some  kind  of 
vegetables  to  eat  onc't  in  a  while  they  was  liable  to  git  the  scurvy ;  and 
I've  knowed  some  fellers  gittin'  of  it,  too,  and  a  powerful  tough  sickness 
it  is,  fust  thing  you  know.  These  days,  when  we  can  git  the  best  Kain- 
tucky  whisky  they  can  make  in  San  Francisco  for  two  bits  a  drink,  right 
up  here  in  the  mountains,  and  taters  is  as  plentiful  as  grasshoppers  in 
Missoury,  we  don't  stop  to  think  how  it  was  them  times,  when  everything 
«vas  so  high.'* 

"  But  thar  was  more  money  to  the  man  than  there  is  now,"  inter- 
rupted the  Doubter. 

"  Yes,  that's  so,  sure  enough.  A  twenty-dollar  piece  warn't  bigger 
nor  a  bit  them  days,"  replied  Mr.  Thirsty. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  77 

"  But,  as  I  was  sayin',  things  was  high.  When  I  was  livin'  up  at  Dead 
Man's  Flat,  in  Siskiyou  County,  some  of  the  boys  concluded  to  send  down 
to  Frisco  by  express  for  some  ingyuns.  Ingyuns,  as  some  of  you  might 
be  aware,  was  one  of  the  biggest  luxuries  them  days,  bein'  as  they  was 
skase  in  the  country  and  good  for  keepin'  off  the  scurvy.  Finally  the 
ingyuns  come  along  by  express  C.  O.  D.,  and  us  boys  what  had  made  up 
the  pool  to  send  for  'em,  went  down  to  the  express  office,  and  I  weighed 
out  the  dust  to  settle  the  bill,  and  it  warri't  no  small  dab  of  dust  either, 
you  can  jest  bet  your  life.  Wai,  we  took  the  fruit  up  to  my  cabin,  and 
the  boys  got  around  and  we  divided  them  squar  and  even,  thar  bein'  one 
odd  one  over,  which  we  put  on  One-eared  Sam's  pile,  bein'  as  he  was 
crippled,  hevin'  hed  his  ear  bit  off  in  the  dog-gonedest,  gamest,  rough-and- 
tumble  fight  you  ever  seed.  After  the  boys  had  gone,  I  counted  my 
ingyuns  and  found  I  had  nine  of  'em,  weighin'  about  three  pounds  apiece, 
and  I  commenced  figgerin'  on  the  cost  of  'em.  They  cost  three  dollars  a 
pound  in  Frisco,  and  the  express  freight  on  them  was  seven  dollars  a 
pound,  and  the  more  I  kep'  figgerin'  on  what  them  ingyuns  cost  for  one 
of  'em,  the  madder  I  got,  and  finally  I  got  so  mad  at  myself  that  I  went 
to  town  and  got  drunk,  and  got  to  buckin'  at  monte,  and  the  fust  thing  I 
knowed  I  was  strapped  as  flat  as  a  shingle.'' 

"I  wish,"  said  the  Chair,  "that  our  worthy  Seccertary  didn't  have 
such  a  head  put  onto  him,  'cause  we  might  got  him  to  figger  how  much 
each  one  of  them  ingyuns  cost." 

"  I  aint  much  at  figgers  myself,"  said  Mr.  Thirsty,  "  but  bein'  as  I  lost 
nine  thousand  dollars  at  monte,  and  was  out  sev'ral  dollars  in  the  fust 
place,  I've  bin  figgerin'  ever  sence  that  them  thar  nine  ingyuns  costed 
about  a  thousand  dollars  each,  sayin'  nothin*  of  fractions." 

"  I  s'pose,"  sneered  the  Doubter,  "  if  it  hadn't  bin  for  them  ingyuns 
you  might  have  beat  the  monte  game." 

"  I  might  if  it  had  bin  on  the  squar',  which  some  of  the  boys  told  me 
when  I  got  sober  it  wasn't. 

"  But  these  here  remeniscences  makes  me  dry ;  let's  liquor  up,  and 
then  I'm  goin'  to  adjourn." 

And  they  all  liquored  and  the  Club  adjourned. 


The  Club  Goes   Behind  the   Record. 


The  following  sketch,  which  appeared  in  the  deliberations  of  the  Club 
under  circumstances  hereinafter  related,  was  written  by  Dan  De  Quille, 
author  of  "  The  Big  Bonanza,"  and  first  appeared  in  the  columns  of  the 
Virginia  (Nevada)  Enterprise: 

He  was  a  little  old  man  with  a  restless  black  eye,  and  an  equally  restless 
jaw,  the  latter  being  constantly  employed  in  the  mastication  of  "fine  cut," 


78  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

while  the  former  found  business  in  more  directions  than  there  are  points 
to  the  compass.  Iron-gray  locks  projected  from  under  his  slouched  wool 
hat,  and  a  beard  of  the  same  color  straggled  far  down  over  the  front  of 
his  blue  woolen  shirt.  His  tongue  was  about  as  active  as  his  eye ;  his  voice 
was  shrill  and  piercing,  and  all  his  assertions  were  of  the  most  positive 
description. 

He  carried  a  small  bundle  in  a  handkerchief,  and  shortly  after  taking 
his  seat  in  the  cars  at  Reno,  for  this  city,  he  turned  to  the  passengers  near- 
est to  him  and  said : 

"  Boys,  there  are  some  curious  ups  and  downs  in  this  country.  One 
day  you  see  a  man's  breeches  half-soled  with  a  flour  sack,  and  the  next  he 
is  a  millionaire,  rolling  in  his  coach  and  four,  lolling  back  and  smoking  a 
Havana  cigar  a  foot  long.  There  is  a  flip,  a  flap,  and  a  flop,  and  he  is 
back  into  his  old  breeches,  driving  a  bull  team. 

"  Three  days  ago  I  was  not  only  well-to-do,  but  fixed  for  life,  as  I 
thought ;  but  bang !  she  went,  and  I  was  flat  on  my  back  again.  Not  my 
fault — not  a  thing  I  could  foresee  and  guard  against — jist  a  regular  dispen- 
sation of  Providence,  as  you  may  say.  Never  heard  of  such  a  thing  before 
in  my  life." 

"Bottom  drop  out  of  yer  mine?"  asked  a  passenger. 

"  Mine  be  blowed !  No,  I  had  a  ten-pin  alley,  and  was  doing  a  land- 
office  business — jist  a-coinin'  money,  as  you  may  say — when  all  went  to 
smash  in  an  instant." 

"Burn  out?"  said  a  listener. 

"  Burn  out !     No,  worse  than  that — blowed  up !  " 

"  Blowed  up  ?  " 

"  Yes,  blowed  up !  It  was  the  most  terrific  explosion,  and  one  of  the 
most  curious  you  ever  heard  of.  Some  fellows  come  in  one  morning  to 
roll  a  game  for  the  drinks — my  first  customers  that  morning. 

"  My  Chinaman,  Hop  Sun,  set  up  the  pins  for  'em.  One  of  the  men 
took  up  a  ball — one  of  the  biggest — he  took  a  short  run  and  let  drive — I 
can  see  him  now.  The  ball  no  sooner  struck  the  alley  than  there  was  a 
report  that  shook  the  whole  building,  tore  up  the  planks,  and  shattered  the 
glass  in  the  windows.  Each  bound  made  by  the  ball  down  along  the  alley 
was  followed  by  the  same  kind  of  report,  and  the  same  kind  of  reck  and 
ruin.  The  ball  reached  the  pins  and  made  a  '  ten-strike,'  but  at  the  same 
instant  there  came  such  an  explosion  as  shook  the  whole  town.  All  the 
pins  were  shivered  to  pieces,  and  splinters  from  them  filled  the  wall  and 
the  roof.  Nothing  was  left  of  my  Chinaman  but  the  soles  of  his  shoes, 
about  a  foot  of  his  tail,  and  a  few  strips  of  his  blue  cotton  blouse.  Not 
enough  of  him  could  be  found  for  the  coroner  to  sit  on — he  was  liter- 
ally exterminated  by  the  shower  of  splinters  from  the  alley  and  the  pins." 

"What  caused  the  explosion?"  asked  some  one. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  79 

"  Well,  you  see,  they  had  a  certain  kind  of  a  club  in  my  town  that 
they  wanted  me  to  jine.  I  refused,  tellin'  'em  I  wasn't  qualified,  and 
couldn't  conscientiously  become  a  member.  This  got  the  club  down  on 
me,  and  some  of  'em  slipped  into  my  place  at  night  and  greased  my  alley 
and  all  the  balls  and  pins  with  nitro-glycerine.  Blast  sich  a  town  as  Austin, 
and  sich  an  organization  as  the  Sazerac  Lyin'  Club,  anyhow !  By  their 
doin's  I  am  ag'in  a  poor  man — ag'in  a  wanderer,  roamin'  the  wide  world 
without  a  dime.  Will  any  gentleman  present  please  let  me  have  the  price 
of  a  square  meal  and  a  night's  lodgings  ?  " 

The  above  was  submitted  by  the  Chair,  who  requested  the  Secretary 
to  read  it,  and  at  the  conclusion  of  the  reading  there  was  not  a  dry  eye 
in  the  room. 

"What  do  you  think  of  that,  gentlemen  ?"  asked  the  Chair. 

"  I  think  it  a  slander  on  this  here  Club,  and  that  there  ain't  a  word 
of  truth  in  it,5'  answered  the  Doubter. 

"And  I'm  of  the  'pinion,"  said  Mr.  Thirsty,  "that  it's  a  bigger  lie 
than  was  ever  told  in  this  here  Club." 

"  What  should  be  done  to  the  man  who  perpetuates  such  a  outr'jus 
insult  on  this  here  Club  as  that  ?  "  asked  the  President. 

"Elect  him  a  member,"  responded  Dad. 

"Gentlemen,"  observed  the  Chair,  "you  must  remember  that  it's 
ag'in  accordance  with  the  most  positive  rules  of  our  Constitution  and 
By-laws  to  elect  a  editor  a  member  of  this  Club." 

"  Let's  go  behind  the  record,  then,"  returned  Dad,  "  and  elect  him  a 
member  by  unanimous  acclamation." 

"  That  would  be  a  bad  president,  sir,  a  bad  president,"  remarked  the 
Doubter. 

"  Look  a'  here,"  said  the  Chair,  while  an  angry  frown  darkened  his 
forehead,  "  I  thought  I'd  stated  to  this  here  Club  on  many  previous  occa- 
sions that  any  personal  allusions  to  this  here  Chair  was  always  out  of 
order,  and  would  be  considered  as  liable  to  lead  to  serious  consequences. 
What  do  you  mean,  sir,  by  a  bad  President?  Haven't  I  always  tried  to 
do  the  squar  thing  since  occupyin'  of  this  here  chair?" 

The  Doubter  hastened  to  apologize,  and  to  explain  that  he  meant  it 
would  be  a  bad  jpreoe-dent  for  the  Club  to  go  outside  of  the  Constitution. 

"Ah,  I  see,"  said  the  Chair  blandly,  "the  gentleman  means  a  bad 
pre-ce-dent.  We  must  make  excuses  for  the  way  his  eddication  was 
neglected  when  he  was  a  boy.  But  what  is  the  will  of  the  Club  about 
'lectin'this  newspaper  feller  as  wrote  that  article,  as  you've  jest  heerd 

,  to  be  a  member  of  this  here  Cl,ub?  " 

"  I  renew  my  motion  for  his  election  by  acclamation." 

"Do  I  hear  a  second?''  asked  the  Chair. 

"  I  second  the  motion,"  replied  the  Aye-and-No  Member. 


80  THE  SAZEEAO  LYING    CLUB. 

"Then,"  announced  the  Chair,  "I  declare  the  newspaper  feller  duly 
'lected  as  a  member  of  this  here  Club,  and  the  Secretary  is  instructed  to 
notify  him  of  his  election  as  a  member  of  this  here  Club,  and  to  send  him 
the  bill  for  his  'nitiation  and  monthly  dues ;  and  Mr.  Seccertary,  you  might 
say  in  a  kind  of  a  postcript  to  hurry  along  the  coin,  as  the  boys  is  power- 
ful dry." 

When  the  Chair  had  finished,  the  Doubter  arose  and  wanted  to  know 
if  the  Club  proposed  to  "take  off  the  bridle''  and  "let  down  the  bars'' 
for  the  admission  to  membership  of  all  the  newspaper  liars  who  might 
apply. 

"  Why,"  said  he,  "  we  might  as  well  let  in  stock-brokers  to  onc't,  and 
hev  done  with  it.  But  if  we  let  in  the  newspaper  liars  even,  what  show's 
a  lot  of  old  pioneers  goin'  to  hev  alongside  of  them  when  it  comes 
to  lyin'?" 

The  Chair  explained  that  the  present  case  was  an  exceptional  one, 
and  that  hereafter  no  newspaper  man  would  be  admitted  as  a  member  on 
any  sort  of  provocation  whatever. 

"  They  be  good  liars,"  he  said,  "but  the  trouble  is,  they  be  too  good, 
on  account  of  their  hevin'  had  more  practice  at  it  than  we'uns,  and  I  don't 
b'leeve  in  encouragin'  competition  what  is  liable  to  drive  us  fellers  out  of 
the  field  as  a  lyin'  club." 

There  was  a  general  concurrence  by  the  Club  in  the  sentiments  above 
expressed,  and,  on  motion  of  the  Aye-and-No  Member,  the  Club  adjourned. 


Mr.  Bottomfaet/s  Boy. 

Mr.  Bottomfact  is  a  member  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  not  hitherto 
introduced  to  the  reader  of  these  chronicles.  The  reasons  for  omitting 
previous  mention  of  this  gentleman  are  many,  the  principal  ones  being 
that  he  is  not  a  good  liar  himself,  and  lacks  the  qualifications  necessary 
to  a  thorough  appreciation  of  the  lies  of  others,  and  by  unanimous  consent 
of  the  Club  is  voted  a  dreadful  bore,  in  which  particular  the  reader  may 
think  he  resembles  this  book.  To  sum  up  his  characteristics  it  is  only 
necessary  to  repeat  the  opinion  of  one  of  the  members  of  the  Club  con- 
cerning him : 

"  He's  so  matter-of-fact,  he'd  b'leeve  the  devil  was  askin'  him  to  drink 
whisky  instead  of  liquid  brimstone,  if  old  Cloven-Foot  askt  him  to  jine 
him  at  the  bar,  and  he  can't  talk  'bout  nothin'  but  that  boy  of  his'n." 

This  description  fits  Mr.  Bottomfact  to  a  nicety.  He  is  so  confiding 
and  innocent  that  he  believes  anything  he  is  told,  and  never  for  a  moment 
even  thought  of  questioning  the  truth  of  the  most  outrageous  lies  told  in 
the  Club,  accepting  them  all  as  perfectly  true  and  eminently  reasonable. 
He  was  usually  an  interested  listener,  seldom  taking  part  in  the  debates, 


SOME  LIES  AND    0  THEE  WISE.  81 

but  when  he  did  speak  it  was  always  to  relate  some  marvelous  exploit  of 
"  that  thar  boy  of  his'n,"  though  on  one  occasion  he  related  how  he  had 
lost  his  fortune  by  purchasing  a  salted  claim  in  California,  on  the  strength 
of  appearances.  The  full  name  of  Mr.  Bottomfact's  son  and  heir  is  George 
Washington  Bottomfact,  but  in  speaking  of  him  his  father  usually  calls  him 
"my  boy  Wash."  Mr.  Bottomfact's  hobby  is  that  "my  boy  Wash  "  is  a 
genius,  and  that  he  is  destined  to  make  his  mark  in  the  world ;  and  he 
never  misses  an  opportunity  of  inflicting  his  "  weakness  "  on  the  Sazerac 
Lying  Club.  The  least  allusion  to  a  boy  is  sufficient  to  set  him  going  on 
"  Wash,"  and  his  long  harangues  have  frequently  seriously  interfered 
with  the  Club's  debates,  and  either  put  all  the  members  to  sleep,  or  driven 
them  out  of  the  house.  Consequently,  all  the  members  were  very  cautious 
about  touching  on  the  subject  of  boys,  which  was  usually  scrupulously 
avoided.  But  one  unfortunate  night  a  member  happened  to  relate  a  lie 
about  a  boy,  only  six  years  old,  who  knew  the  multiplication  table  by  heart, 
and  could  read  the  first  three  chapters  of  the  Lord's  Prayer,  and  this  put 
Mr.  Bottomfact  in  his  element  and  set  him  going  on  his  favorite  theme. 

"Talk  about  smart  boys!"  he  said,  "thar  aint  none  on  you  ever 
seed  a  smarter  boy  than  my  boy  Wash.  Why,  here  he  aint  been  goin'  to 
school  nigh  onto  two  year,  and  the  teacher's  puttin'  him  to  writin'  comper- 
sitions  a'ready.  Jest  look  a'  here." 

Then  Mr.  Bottomfact  drew  from  his  pocket  a  roll  of  paper,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  unfold  it,  and  the  members  were  getting  ready  to  depart,  but 
were  arrested  by  the  voice  of  the  Chair,  who  requested  them  to  wait  and 
see  what  "  old  B'leeve-it-all "  had  to  offer,  and  not  pass  a  hasty  judgment  on 
something  with  the  merits  of  which  they  were  unacquainted.  Accord- 
ingly,  the  Club  resumed  their  seats,  and  Mr.  B  continued : 

"This  here,  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen, 'is  a  compersition  my  boy 
Wash  writ  up  to  the  school,  and  I  think  it's  one  of  the  best  things  I  ever 
heerd  on  the  subjeck.  What  I  want  to  ask  is,  that  the  Seccertary  be  in- 
structed to  read  it  to  the  Club,  and  if  they  find  it  satisfactory — as  I  know 
they  will — that  it  then  be  deposited  in  the  Arkives  of  this  here  Club,  and 
voted  to  be  printed  in  the  REVEILLE." 

"  I'm  willin',  if  the  paper  don't  charge  a  cent  for  it,"  said  the  Doubter. 
"  Wai,  gentlemen,"  decided  the  Chair,  "  if  nobody  aint  got  nothin' 
better  to  offer  for  the  consideration  of  this  here  Club,  I'll  order  the  Sec- 
certary to  read." 

No  objection  was  offered. 

"  The  Seccertary  will  purceed  to  read,  and  he  is  instructed  to  give 
the  compersition  to  the  REVEILLE  for  publishing  requestin'  of  the  editor 
to  print  it  jest  as  it  is,  spellin'  and  all,  and  not  make  no  hifalutin*  altera- 

6." 

And  the  Secretary  then  proceeded  to  read  as  follows : 
6 


82  THE   SAZERAC   LYING    CLUB. 


Snaix. 

[BY     GEORGE    WASHINGTON    BOTTOMFACT.] 

"  The  snaik  is  a  animal  what  is  all  tail  but  his  hed.  He  dont  hav  no 
legs,  but  walkes  on  the  ground  on  his  stummick.  They  is  a  grate  menny 
kinds  of  snaix,  but  rattil  snaix  and  snaix  what  is  in  butes  is  bout  the  only 
kind  of  snaix  in  these  parts,  ceptin  water  snaix,  which  aint  pizen  and 
cant  bite.  I  onct  knod  a  boy  whos  muther  told  his  farther  thet  if  he 
didnt  let  up  hed  have  snaix  in  his  butes,  and  Jimme,  which  is  that  boys 
name,  he  luked  in  his  pars  butes  and  didnt  find  no  snaix,  caus  they  must 
a  dide  in  there,  caus  Jimme  he  sed  tha  smelt  like  sumthin  hed  crorled  in 
ther  and  dide.  Ther  aint  no  snaix  in  Austin,  ownly  them  bute  kind,  and 
I  never  see  nun  of  them ;  but  out  in  the  mountings  they  is  rattil  snaix 
two  plentifle.  Rattil  snaix  isnt  afeard  of  a  man,  but  tha  is  skeert  of  a 
hors-hare  rope.  My  father  he  knod  a  man  what  wunst  went  out  pros- 
pektin,  and  he  lade  a  hare  rope  rownd  his  blankits,  and  when  he  waiked 
up  in  the  mournin  tha  was  as  menny  as  15  hunderd  snaix  stickin  of  tha 
heds  over  that  rope  and  a  waitin  of  him  to  cum  out.  His  dorg  et  them 
all  up  and  saved  his  life,  and  rattil  snaix  tha  aint  good  to  ete  fur  a  man. 
Tha  is  a  grate  menny  kind  of  snaix  as  I  hev  heerd  tell  on  wich  I  haint 
never  seed.  Won  of  them  kind  is  corled  a  bo-constructor,  caus  it  bo's 
up  its  back  when  it  gits  mad,  and  tys  his  selfe  inter  bo-nots.  Tha  grows 
in  Nu  York  and  them  uther  f orrin  countrys  ever  so  menny  miles  from  Aus- 
tin, and  tha  has  them  in  surkises.  Tha  aint  no  boy  in  Austin  as  ever  seed 
a  surkiss.  I  kno  a  boy  what  his  farther  keeps  a  sloon,  and  he  sez  his  par 
sez  he  is  orfle  glad  no  surkiss  kant  cum  to  Austin  caus  they  brake  the 
town  and  noboddy  dont  hav  no  munny  left  to  spend  for  the  drinks. 
I  heerd  a  man  say  that  if  we  had  a  raleroad  maybee  the  surkiss  and 
the  bo-constructor  and  the  elefint  would  cum  to  Austin.  But  I  never 
seed  a  ralerode,  no  more  didnt  no  other  boy  in  Austin,  ceptin  three  or 
fore  who  is  bin  to  skule  in  Californy,  but  a  Austin  boy  dont  git  no  chance 
to  see  surkisses  and  ralerodes  and  trees,  and  them  kind  of  wonderfull 
things,  ceptin  the  locuss  trees,  and  they  was  brot  here  by  sum  mens.  A 
boy  onct  told  me  that  a  ralerode  could  run  faster  nor  3  quarter-hosses,  but 
I  dont  believe  that,  caus  tha  aint  no  animal  not  even  a  zebray  could  do 
that,  and  tha  just  put  that  in  the  skule  books  like  sum  of  them  uther  lys, 
to  skare  us  boys  so  we  will  be  goode  wen  we  dont  want  to.  This  is  all  I 
kno  about  snaix." 

"What  do  you  think  of  that  for  a  compersition ? "  triumphantly 
asked  Mr.  Bottomfact  when  the  Secretary  had  concluded  the  reading  of 
the  above. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  8H 

u  I  think,  Mr.  Bottomfact,"  said  the  Chair,  "  that,  while  it's  a  fust- 
class  literary  effort  for  a  boy  of  your  Wash's  age,  it  aint  got  no  bizness  in 
this  here  Club.  The  objeck  of  this  organization  is  lyin' ;  and,  not  sayiu' 
that  thai*  aint  no  lies  in  Wash's  compersition,  still,  what  he  says  'bout  the 
jim-jarn  snakes  hes  a  great  deal  of  truth  inter  it.  Thar'fore,  Mr.  Bottom- 
fact,  I  decide  that  in  future  you  won't  be  allowed  to  ring  in  Wash  and  his 
compersitions  onter  this  here  Club,  and  I  would  advise  you  to  jine  some 
lit'rary  society,  whar  sich  things  is  better  appreciated." 

Mr.  Bottomfact  seemed  very  much  crestfallen  over  this  decision  of 
the  Chair,  and  did  not  ask  anybody  for  the  loan  of  a  chew  of  tobacco  for 
full  five  minutes,  and  in  a  short  time  he  arose  and  said  that  he  guessed  he 
would  go  out  and  hunt  up  Wash. 

As  the  door  closed  on  Mr.  Bottomfact's  retreating  form,  Mr.  Whisky 
said  he  had  a  "good  notion"  to  make  a  motion  for  the  expulsion  of  "that 
air  Bottomfact." 

"  He  aint  no  'count,  no  way ;  he  can't  lie  wuth  a  cuss,  and  nobody 
never  knowed  him  to  treat  the  house  yit." 

The  Chair  said  that  as  for  himself  he  had  never  recognized  Bottom- 
fact  as  a  member  of  the  Club,  but  merely  as  a  spectator  at  the  meetings ; 
and  in  his  (the  Chair's)  opinion  a  formal  expulsion  would  be  tantamount 
to  recognizing  Bottomfact  as  a  member. 

"  'Cause  how  can  you  expel  a  man  unless  he's  a  member ;  and  if  a  fel- 
ler aint  a  member,  how  can  you  expel  him?  That's  what  I'd  like  to  know." 

The  members  unanimously  "gave  it  up,"  and  Mr.  Thirsty  said  he 
would  not  press  the  motion  for  expulsion ;  but  "  had  the  members  of  this 
Club  ever  heard  what  the  Governor  of  North  Carolina  said  to  the  Gov- 
ernor of  South  Carolina?" 

"I  know,"  hastily  exclaimed  the  Aye-and-No  Member;  "he  said,  'It's 
a  Wng  time  atween  drinks.' " 

"  That's  jest  what  he  said,  and  that's  jest  what  I  say,"  returned  Mr. 
Tldrsty.  "  S'pose,  gentlemen,  that  we  sashay  up  to  the  bar." 

And  they  all  "sashayed." 


A  Saline  Atmosphere. 

At  a  point  in  Smoky  Valley,  some  forty  miles  distant  from  Austin, 
there  exists  a  deposit  of  salt,  in  what  is  commonly  called  a  salt  marsh. 
Similar  deposits  are  found  in  numbers  of  the  valleys — or  deserts — in 
Nevada  and  Utah.  The  particular  salt  marsh  in  Smoky  Valley  has  for  a 
number  of  years  been  the  source  from  which  the  silver  reduction  mills  of 
Austin  and  Belmont  have  obtained  their  supply  of  salt  for  the  chlorination 
of  ores — a  process  absolutely  necessary  to  their  successful  working,  and 
which  can  only  be  practiced  on  a  large  scale  by  the  aid  of  salt. 

The  method  for  a  long  time  in  vogue  in  gathering  this  salt  was  to 


84  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

shovel  it  up  from  the  marsh  as  it  was  deposited  on  its  surface  by  the 
natural  evaporation  of  the  water  which  holds  it  in  solution.  This  was 
a  tedious  process,  only  practicable  in  good  weather,  and  the  salt  thus 
obtained  contained  many  impurities.  The  parties  owning  the  marsh  finally 
adopted  a  plan  whereby  the  process  of  evaporation  was  hastened  and  a 
better  article  of  salt  obtained,  and  to  this  is  due  the  lie  which  Uncle  John 
related  in  the  Club  on  the  subject,  and  which  is  here  recorded. 

The  improved  mode  of  salt  gathering  may  be  thus  described  :  A  bed 
of  hard  clay  was  found  a  few  hundred  yards  from  the  marsh,  and  in  this 
a  number  of  tanks  or  vats  were  cut.  A  pump  and  steam  machinery  were 
placed  at  the  marsh,  the  pump  being  connected  with  the  tanks  by  a  pipe, 
from  which  the  saline  water  was  discharged  into  the  tanks,  and  there 
allowed  to  evaporate  by  nature's  process. 

The  salt-works  lay  close  by  the  road  which  Uncle  John's  stage  daily 
passes  over,  and  each  evening  during  their  construction  he  would  report 
their  progress,  and  explain  their  principle  to  the  Club.  At  last  the  works 
were  finished,  and  running  successfully,  and  the  subject  of  salt  and  salt 
marshes  dropped  out  of  the  Club's  deliberations,  till  one  evening  a  member 
happened  to  say : 

"Uncle  John,  how's  them  salt-works  getting  along?" 

"  Bad,  rather  bad,"  was  the  reply ;  "  that  is,  bad  for  the  salt  company, 
which  are  losin'  a  considerable  of  salt,  but  good  for  the  ranchers  and  some 
other  people." 

"  How's  that,  Uncle  John  ?  " 

"  Wai,  you  see,  the  pipe  leaks." 

"What  of  that?" 

And  "in  reply  Uncle  John  related  thus :  "  The  salt  water  that  runs 
through  that  leak  evaporates  as  soon  as  it  strikes  the  air,  and  the  wind — 
which  is  always  blowin'  in  the  valley — ketches  up  the  salt  and  carries  it 
over  the  valley  in  clouds.  For  a  mile  each  way  from  the  marsh  the  air's 
so  thick  with  salt  that  half  the  time  I  can't  see  the  stage  team,  and  it  jest 
keeps  rainin'  salt  all  the  time.  When  the  ranchers  in  the  valley  wants 
salt,  they  jest  set  an  open  sack  out  in  front  of  the  house,  and  in  less  than 
twenty  minutes  it's  filled  chock  up  to  the  mouth  with  the  finest  kind  of 
cookin'  salt." 

"  Very  singular,"  remarked  the  Doubter. 

"  Not  at  all,"  returned  the  Philosopher.  "  It  is  only  in  accordance  with 
a  natr'al  law  of  evaporation  and  specific  gravity,  that  when  thar's  salt  in 
water,  the  water  dries  out  and  leaves  the  salt,  and  when  the  salt's  in  the 
air,  it  comes  down  on  the  ground,  on  the  principle  of  what  goes  up  must 
come  down.  Don't  you  see?  " 

"  Don't  the  men  what  owns  the  marsh  shovel  up  the  salt  as  lays  on 
the  ground  ?  "  asked  the  Chair. 

"  They'd  like  to,"  replied  Uncle  John ;  "  but  the  stock  camps  round 
thar  and  eats  it  up  afore  they  can  get  a  chance  to  shovel  it ;  and  losin' 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  85 

salt's  cheaper  than  hirin'  men  to  herd  fifteen  or  twenty  thousand  head  of 
cattle  away  from  it,  sayin'  nothin'  of  sheep  and  horses." 

Mr.  Truefact  was  trying  to  say  that  the  story  was  wonderful,  when 
Uncle  John  took  the  word  out  of  his  mouth  and  said  : 

"  Yes,  it  is  wonderful ;  but  I  ain't  told  all  of  it  yit.  That  thar  salt 
air  is  the  surest  cure  for  rheumatism  I  ever  seed." 

"Did  it  cure  you?"  asked  the  Doubter. 

"  No ;  I  aint  hed  the  rheumatiz  sence  that  leak  started,  but  I  know  it's 
a  sure  shot.  There  is  a  feller  has  got  a  ranch  over  in  Monitor  Valley,  and 
he  tried  the  hot  springs  over  thar,  and  used  up  four  bottles  of  my  horse  lini- 
ment, and  it  didn't  do  him  no  good.  He  was  so  crippled  up  he  couldn't 
use  his  arms  and  legs,  and  couldn't  talk  straight ;  and  that  thar  man  he 
walked  thirty  miles  to  the  marsh,  and  sot  down  in  that  thar  salt  shower, 
and  in  seventeen  minnits  after  the  salt  fust  struck  his  lungs  he  held  four 
jacks  ag'in  an  ace-full,  and  stood  his  wife's  mother  off  in  a  two-hour  talk- 
ing match." 

The  Chair  here  remarked  that  Uncle  John  was  going  outside  of  the 
subject-matter  of  his  lie,  and  inquired  : 

"What  has  four  jacks  ag'in  an  ace -full  got  to  do  with  curin'  the 
rheumatiz  ?  " 

"Nothin'  particular,"  replied  Uncle  John;  "only  four  jacks  ag'in  an 
ace-full,  specially  when  thar's  money  in  sight,  is  a  healthy  hand,  and  it 
takes  a  healthy  man  to  hold  'em,  and  I  only  mentioned  the  circumstance 
to  show  that  the  man  didn't  have  no  more  rheumatiz ;  'cause  if  he  had, 
he'd  bin  layin'  round  home  cussin'  and  howlin',  instid  of  playin'  poker  with 
the  boys." 

The  apology  was  deemed  sufficient,  and  Uncle  John  remarked  that 
talking  about  salt  had  made  him  dry,  and  inquired  if  the  gentlemen  of  the 
Club  would  jine  him. 

The  gentlemen  all  jined. 


Fixing  a  Dog. 

It  was  at  the  time  of  year  that,  under  a  city  ordinance  existing  in 
Austin,  an  annual  tax  on  dogs  is  collected.  By  a  provision  of  the  law, 
each  dog  must  be  provided  with  a  tag  attached  to  its  collar,  and  all  ca- 
nines found  at  large  without  such  tag  are  arrested  and  impounded,  and 
after  a  few  days  of  grace  for  its  owner  to  redeem  it  in,  the  unlucky  animal, 
if  not  redeemed,  is  shot.  The  dog  question  being  the  current  topic,  it 
was  being  discussed  by  the  Club.  The  exploits  of  the  city  dog-catcher  were 
criticized,  and,  by  a  natural  sequence,  the  thread  of  the  argument  merged 
into  kettling  and  other  outrages  on  dogs.  The  most  approved  hitch  for 
fastening  the  kettle  to  the  dog  had  been  elaborated  on,  the  cruelty  of  tur- 
pentine denounced,  and  the  merits  of  fire-crackers  argued ;  various  mem- 


86  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    GLUB. 

bers  had  related  their  experience  in  that  line,  and  Mr.  Truefact  had  just 
started  in  to  try  and  tell  a  funny  dog-kettling  incident  which  occurred  in 
Pioche,  and  had  stuttered  as  far  as,  "Mr.  P-p-pres-s-id-d-ent ;  d-d-down 

t-t-to  P-p-p-pioche ,"  when  a  stranger  walked  into  the  room.  He  did 

not  wait  for  an  invitation  to  be  seated,  but  sat  right  down  in  a  vacant  chair 
in  the  midst  of  the  group  that  constituted  the  Club.  This  intrusion  was 
not  by  any  means  relished  by  the  members,  and  there  were  mutterings  of 
a  storm  of  indignation,  and  stage  whispers  that  "  some  people  didn't  have 
no  more  manners  than  a  hog,"  and  "  whar  I  come  from,  people  used  to 
wait  till  they  was  invited,"  and  other  remarks  of  that  nature.  But  the 
stranger  did  not  seem  to  heed  these  disparaging  utterances,  but  tilted  his 
chair  back,  cocked  his  feet  on  the  stove,  and  took  a  paper  of  fine-cut  from 
his  pocket  and  took  therefrom  a  chew,  and,  without  the  formality  of  ad- 
dressing the  Chair,  said : 

"I  b'leeve  you  fellers  was  talkin'  about  kittlin'  of  dogs,  when  I 
come  in." 

The  President  observed  that  if,  in  speaking  of  "fellers,"  the  stranger 
referred  to  him,  he  wanted  it  understood  that  he  called  himself  a  gentle- 
man, and  that  people  who  did  not  desire  a  fight  on  their  hands  must 
address  him  as  such. 

"  Fellers,  indeed  !  "  exclaimed  the  Doubter. 

The  entire  Club  arose  to  its  feet  as  by  a  common  impulse ;  but  the 
Chair  interposed  and  said  : 

"  Hold  on,  gentlemen,  he  looks  like  he  might  be  a  pretty  good  liar, 
and  let's  give  him  a  chance.  Thar's  many  a  rose  as  is  born  to  be  cast 
afore  swine,  and  many  a  jewel  as  don't  shine  till  it's  cut  down  to  a  fine 
p'int.  Let's  give  this  man  a  chance,  notwithstanding  he  calls  us  fellers." 
Then  turning  to  the  stranger  he  said  : 

"  Stranger,  go  on  with  your  rat-killin',  and  let's  hear  what  you've  got 
to  offer  on  the  subjeck  of  kittlin'  dogs." 

The  stranger  said  he  meant  no  offense  by  speaking  of  the  mem- 
bers as  "  fellers  " ;  but  he  had  been  in  the  country  a  long  time,  and  was 
not  used  to  putting  on  airs.  However,  as  he  had  heard  them  talking  of 
the  various  methods  of  annoying  canines,  and  as  it  was  a  subject  on  which 
he  considered  himself  well  posted,  he  had  taken  the  liberty  of  chipping  in. 

"  Wai,  you've  chipped,"  observed  the  Chair,  "  now  make  your  play, 
and  let  us  see  if  any  of  us  can  call  you.  And  if  none  of  us  can't,  why, 
then,  you're  a  member  of  this  here  Club,  which  is  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club, 
which  mebbe  you  might  have  heerd  of  afore." 

The  stranger  replied  that  he  had  never  before  heard  of  the  Club ;  but 
when  it  came  to  lying,  he  could  hold  his  own  with  the  oldest  man  in  the 
country.  He  then  "  chipped  "  as  follows  : 

"  Over  in  Virginny  City,  in  sixty-four,  I  see  the  dog-gonedest  thing 
about  fixing  a  dog.  The  animile  was  one  of  those  big,  yaller  curs,  and 
some  feller  had  fixed  a  giant  powder  ca'tridge  to  his  tail,  fuse,  cap,  and 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  87 

all.  I  was  a-standin'  in  front  of  the  big  hotel,  smokin'  a  four-bit  cigar  that 
Kettle-belly  Brown  had  just  treated  me  to  in  the  Sawdust  Corner,  when 
along  come  Mr.  Dog,  trottin'  ahead  us  though  he  didn't  have  no  giant  pow- 
der ca'tridge  fastened  to  him  plumb  up  ag'in  the  terminus  of  his  spinal 
column.  Jest  as  he  passed  me  I  see  a  puff  of  smoke,  then  a  flash,  and  then 
an  explosion  that  shook  up  the  big  hotel  like  a  Shoshone  wickiup  in  a 
whirlwind.  As  soon  as  I  got  my  wind,  and  rubbed  the  dust  and  splinters 
out  of  my  eyes,  I  began  lookin'  around  to  see  if  I  could  see  any  pieces  of 
that  yaller  dog." 

"Did  they  find  any  of  him?"  eagerly  interrupted  the  Doubter. 

"Never  you  mind,"  replied  the  stranger;  "this  is  my  dog  story. 
Find  any  of  him  !  Why,  bless  your  soul,  they  found  all  of  him.  There 
he  was,  on  the  sidewalk,  not  six  inches  from  where  he  stood  when  the 
shot  went  off,  a-playin'  with  his  tail,  and  snappin'  at  the  sparks  that  was 
stickin'  to  it." 

"  You're  electid ! "  enthusiastically  exclaimed  the  Chair,  when  the 
stranger  had  concluded  the  above  lie. 

"Thank  ye  kindly,"  said  the  stranger,  "but  that  thar  aint  no  lie; 
but  as  I'm  a  member  of  this  Club,  I'll  make  out  to  tell  you  a  lie  one  of 
these  days." 

"  Yes,  I'd  like  to  see  you  try  your  hand  at  lyin',"  remarked  Old  Dad. 
"  I  think  after  you  had  some  experience  that  way,  you  might  make  out  to 
tell  a  pretty  solid  lie,  on  an  average." 

At  this  point  Mr.  Thirsty  arose,  and  called  the  Chair's  attention  to 
the  fact  that  the  new  member  had  not  yet  complied  with  the  rule  in  refer- 
ence to  members  initiating  themselves. 

The  Chair  thanked  Mr.  Thirsty  for  the  suggestion,  and  informed  the 
new  member  that  under  the  rules  he  was  required  to  put  up  for  the  drinks 
for  the  boys. 

The  new  member  replied  that  he  had  not  come  prepared  for  any  such 
emergency.  "  But,"  said  he,  smiling  at  the  dispenser  of  liquids  behind  the 
bar,  "  if  the  bar-creetur  don't  mind  takin'  my  face  for  the  drinks,  I  aint  no 
objection  to  treatin'  the  crowd." 

The  bar-keeper,  who  had  listened  to  the  stranger's  lie  about  "  fixing  " 
the  dog,  observed  that,  as  he  (the  stranger)  seemed  to  be  such  a  truthful 
man,  he  would  trust  him  for  the  drinks  if  he  would  promise  to  pay  the 
next  time  he  came  in. 

The  stranger  promised,  saying  :  "  You  better  bet  your  boots  that  thar 
bar-keep's  a  judge  of  human  natur.  I  never  told  him  so,  but  he  knows  by 
my  looks  I'm  Old  Reliable  himself." 

And  by  the  name  of  "  Old  Reliable  "  was  this  member  thereafter 
known  in  the  Club,  at  the  sessions  of  which  he  was  a  constant  attendant 
from  this  time  on. 


THE  SAZERA  C  L  TING 


Uncle   John's   Dog. 

When  the  members  of  the  Club,  after  the  interview  with  the  bar- 
keeper, had  resumed  their  seats,  and  the  Chair  announced  that  "  we  would 
now  re-open  under  the  head  of  dogs,"  Uncle  John  took  the  floor.  He  said 
he  was  not  much  of  a  doge-sharp,  but  had  seen  some  powerful  smart  dogs 
in  his  time.  He  once  knew  a  dog  that  could  tell  a  newspaper  from  a  piece 
of  beef  with  his  eyes  shut,  and  in  his  boyhood's  days  he  had  seen  in  a 
circus  a  dog  that  could  beat  a  man  at  seven-up,  and  give  him  two  points 
in  the  game. 

"Dogs  over  here  in  the  sagebrush,"  said  Uncle  John,  "knows  more  than 
dogs  does  in  Californy,  'cause  they've  got  a  better  chance  to  learn  things 
and  post  themselves.  Over  to  Californy  a  dog's  time  is  mostly  taken  up 
fightin'  the  fleas,  and  they  haint  got  no  time  to  waste  on  their  education. 
You've  all  of  you  lived  in  California  some  time  or  other,  and  you  knows 
how  it  is  yourself  about  fleas.  I  had  a  dog  thar  once,  and  he  was  about 
as  good  a  dog  as  ever  made  a  track,  but  the  fleas  bothered  him  that  bad 
that  he'd  go  into  the  river  and  stay  thar  a  week  at  a  time  to  git  shet  of 
them.  But  the  fleas  they  didn't  mind  that,  but  used  to  swim  off  to  shore 
and  camp  on  the  bank,  and  wait  for  that  dog  to  come  out,  and  then  they'd 
bounce  him  ag'in,  and  stick  to  him  closer  than  a  gal  to  a  feller  that  she's 
clean  gone  on.  Finally  the  thing  got  so  bad  that  that  thar  dog  was  actooally 
thinkin'  of  suicide.  I  hed  a  double-bar'Pd  shotgun  in  the  barn  whar  I  used 
to  keep  the  dog,  and  that  poor  animile  would,  every  once  in  a  while,  go 
smellin'  at  the  muzzle  of  that  gun,  and  a-feelin'  of  the  trigger  with  his 
paw,  like  as  if  he  was  figgerin'  how  he  could  have  his  head  at  the  muzzle 
and  his  paw  on  the  trigger  both  at  the  same  time.  But  he  was  a  short 
dog — leastways  he  wasn't  long  enough  to  reach  that  fur.  Finally  the 
hostler  in  the  stage  barn  he  took  pity  on  that  thar  dog,  and  he  fixed  him 
up  a  collar  with  a  lot  of  long  iron  spikes  stickin'  into  it,  with  the  pints 
outside,  and  that  worked  two  ways.  The  dog  could  scratch  hisself  with 
the  spikes,  and  when  the  fleas  would  come  lightin'  down  to  tackle  the  dog, 
they'd  strike  on  the  spikes  and  stick  there ;  and  when  the  collar  got  full  of 
fleas,  the  hostler  he'd  take  'em  off  one  at  a  time,  and  chop  their  heads  off 
with  the  ax,  and  feed  'em  to  his  chickens." 

"  Is  that  all?"  asked  Old  Reliable,  when  Uncle  John  had  concluded. 

"  All !  Did  you  expect  I  was  goin'  to  say  the  hostler  killed  the  chick- 
ens and  fed  'em  to  the  fleas,  or  the  fleas  eat  up  the  dog,  or  any  such  im- 
probable lie  like  that  ?  No,  sir,  not  much ;  though  I  didn't  calkerlate  to 
stand  off  that  thar  lie  of  yours  about  the  giant  powder." 

Old  Reliable  attempted  to  explain  that  his  story  was  "  gospel  truth," 
but  the  bar-keeper  commenced  to  turn  down  the  lights,  and  thus  the  de- 
bate was  shut  off  for  the  evening. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  89 


A    High    Fever. 

"I  miss  the  cheerful  countenance  of  our  stutterin'  friend,  Mr.  True- 
fact,"  said  the  President,  casting  his  eyes  over  the  members  before  calling 
the  Club  to  order. 

"  Mr.  Truefact's  a  little  under  the  weather,"  responded  the  Secretary, 
in  reply. 

"  What's  the  matter  of  him — bin  pressin'  his  tansey  too  heavy  ag'in  ?  " 
inquired  the  Chair. 

"  That  aint  what's  the  matter  of  him  this  time,"  returned  the  Secre- 
tary ;  "  he's  laid  up  with  a  pritty  bad  dose  of  mounting  fever." 

"  That  thar  mountain  fever's  a  tough  thing,"  said  Uncle  John,  "  but  it 
aint  a  patchin'  to  rheumatiz  when  it  gits  a  good  hold  onto  a  feller." 

"  I  don't  know  about  that,"  observed  the  Doubter,  "  I  had  mounting 
fever  so  bad  onct  that  they  had  to  carry  me  out  doors  and  lay  me  on  the 
ground  so's  the  heat  of  me  wouldn't  set  the  blankets  afire." 

"  That  was  a  hot  fever,  sure  enough,"  spoke  up  Mr.  Thirsty,  "  but 
'taint  much  alongside  of  a  fever  I  onct  knowed  a  boy  to  have  back  in  the 
States.  He  was  the  all-firedest  cussedest  boy  as  ever  I  seed — always  rob- 
bin'  hen-roosts  and  orchards,  and  a-suckin'  of  other  folks's  milch  cows, 
and  them  kinds  of  devilment.  He  used  to  suck  eggs  and  drink  milk  when 
he  wasn't  the  leestest  bit  hungry,  jest  to  be  doin'  of  somethin' ;  but  one  day 
he  got  his  dose,  and  it  come  pritty  near  curin'  of  him.  He'd  eat  up  a  hull 
lot  of  eggs  one  mornin',  and  drinked  a  power  of  milk,  and  'long  about 
noon  he  was  the  sickest  boy  ever  seed  in  that  section  of  country.  His 
folks  sent  for  the  doctor,  and  when  he  got  to  the  house  that  thar  boy  was 
in  a  rip-rarin,  ragin'  fever,  and  jest  a-burnin'  up  by  inches.  The  doctor 
talked  to  the  folks,  and  felt  his  pulse,  and  axed  what  he'd  bin  eatin'  for 
breakfast,  and  the  folks  said  they  didn't  know,  cause  he  always  was  eatin' 
of  somethin'  as  didn't  agree  with  him  and  laid  heavy  on  his  stummick. 
Then  the  doctor  looked  at  his  tongue,  and  said  the  fever  was  mostly  inside, 
and  he  guessed  he  better  give  him  a  emetic.  So  he  went  down  in  his 
saddle-bags  and  got  out  some  truck,  and  while  three  or  four  of  'em  held 
him,  he  rammed  the  stuff  down  the  boy's  throat.  'Twarn't  mor'n  a  few 
minnits  till  the  boy  begin  to  git  pritty  sick,  and  afore  long  he  commenced 
throwin'  up,  and  for  about  half  an  hour  he  throwed  up  nothin'  but  the 
nicest  lookin'  custard  you  ever  seed  in  all  your  borned  days.  Now  I'd 
like  you  to  show  me  a  mounting  fever  as  is  so  hot  that  it'll  bake  a  custard 
in  a  boy's  insides  what  will  swaller  a  lot  of  eggs  and  milk.'" 

"  Pritty  warm ;  pritty  warm,"  remarked  the  President,  at  the  conclu- 
sion of  Mr.  Thirsty's  remarks. 

"  Yes,  it's  hot,"  observed  Old  Dad,  "  but  not  so  hot  as  I've  seen  it  in 
Calif  ornv." 


90  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 


A    Hot   Country. 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say  it's  hot  in  Californy.  do  you  ?  "  hastily  spoke 
up  the  Doubter.  "  Why,  down  in  Southern  Utah  it's  as  much  hotter  as 
Californy,  as  a  Eureka  smeltin'  furnace  is  alongside  the  Xorth  Pole.  Why, 
me  and  a  lot  of  fellers  was  prospectin'  in  Southern  Utah  onct,  and  it  was 
so  hot  we  didn't  used  to  build  any  fire  when  we  camped,  but  jest  cooked 
our  grub  by  the  heat  of  the  air.  We  used  to  buy  eggs  of  the  Mormons, 
and  we  had  lots  of  bacon  ourselves,  and  we  jest  used  to  put  the  eggs  and 
bacon  on  a  hot  rock  in  the  shade,  and  they  would  fry  brown  in  about  three 
minnits.  We  didn't  dare  to  put  'em  in  the  sun,  cause  if  we  did  the  grub 
would  sizzle  to  a  coal  afore  you  could  bat  your  eye." 

"Sho!"  exclaimed  Old  Reliable.  "That  aint  nothin'  to  Arizony ! 
Why,  I've  seen  horned  toads  and  lizzards  git  sun-struck  in  the  shade  down 
thar.  Hot !  Why,  you  fellers  don't  know  nothin'  bout  hot.  What  would 
you  say  if  I  was  to  tell  you  that  it  was  so  hot  down  thar  that  the  only  way 
they  could  git  to  tell  anything  about  how  hot  it  was,  was  to  splice  two 
thermometers  together,  and  even  then  the  quicksilver  would  spirt  over  the 
top  of  the  top  thermometer,  sometimes." 

"  Wai,  I  don't  know  what  the  rest  of  the  Club  would  say,"  observed 
Uncle  John,  as  if  replying  to  Old  Reliable's  question,  "  but  as  for  me,  I'd 
say  that's  about  as  big  a  lie  as  any  of  the  oldest  members  of  this  here 
Club  ever  told,  and  I  can't  help  sayin'  that  its  doin'  mighty  well  for  a  new 
member,  and  I  aint  a  bit  surprised  at  your  callin'  yourself  Old  Re-fo'e-able 
himself ;  for  you're  able  to  lie  with  the  best  of  us." 


The  Chair  Speaks. 

On  calling  the  Club  to  order,  the  Chair  arose,  and  said  if  the  gentle- 
man over  in  the  corner  would  quit  plaguing  "  that  thar  dog  of  Dad's,"  he 
would  make  a  few  remarks.  The  member  designated  ceased  teasing  the 
dog  by  sticking  a  broom  straw  in  his  ear,  and  the  dog  lay  down  on  the 
floor  with  his  nose  between  his  paws;  silence  reigned  in  the  Club,  and  the 
expectant  members  bent  their  heads  in  an  attitude  of  earnest  attention 
towards  the  President,  to  hear  the  words  of  wisdom  which  they  felt  sure 
would  fall  from  his  lips,  like  the  gentle  dew  of  heaven  on  the  morning 
mushroom. 

The  Chair  said  he  felt  it  his  duty  to  congratulate  the  Club  that  recent 
events  have  brought  to  light  the  fact  that  some  of  the  greatest  men  of  the 
United  States  are,  or  were,  liars,  and  eligible  to  membership  in  the  great 
and  glorious  Sazerac. 

"  Gentlemen/'  he  said,  "  you're  all  twenty-one  years  old,  free-born  and 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  91 

white,  and  the  majority  of  you  know  how  to  read.  Of  course,  you  all 
read  the  newspapers,  and  you  know  about  this  here  affair '  of  Grant  sayin' 
that  the  late  lamented  Charles  Sumner  was  a  nat'ral-born,  constitutional 
liar  afore  he  died.  Sumner  is  dead  and  buried,  true  enough,  but,  gentle- 
men, it's  a  consolin'  reflection  to  us,  as  good,  squar',  honest,  consistent,  and 
conscientious  liars,  to  know  that  a  man  as  has  been  set  down  as  one  of  the 
greatest  statesmen  of  these  here  times  was,  when  he  was  alive,  as  one  of 
U8 — that  he  could  lie  like  a  house  afire.  S'posin',  howsomever,  for  the 
sake  of  argument,  that  Grant's  bin  lyin'  about  Sumner,  then  the  state  of 
the  case  is  thuswise :  A  ex-President  of  the  United  States  stands  before 
you  in  the  attitood  of  a  liar.  Take  either  horn  of  this  here  bull,  my  fel- 
low-members, and  in  any  case  it  sticks  out  like  a  sore  thumb  that  some- 
body's lied,  and  that  somebody  one  of  the  great  men  of  this  here  country. 
I  tell  you,  gentlemen,  this  here  Club  has  a  cause  for  congratulatin'  of  it- 
self, when  it  stops  to  consider  that  the  greatest  of  great  men  can  lie." 

At  this  point  the  Chair  was  interrupted  by  Old  Reliable,  who  remarked 
that  "  when  it  comes  to  lyin',  the  best  of  em's  on  it."  The  Chair  rebuked 
the  interrupting  member,  and  observed  that  if  he  did  not  know  that  Old 
Reliable  had  not  "  settled  for  them  last  drinks,"  he  would  impose  the  fine 
the  rules  inflict  on  a  new  member  as  a  penalty  for  interrupting  the  Chair. 
Then  resuming  the  thread  of  his  discourse,  he  said : 

"  There  are  a  record  of  one  man  in  the  United  States,  who,  so  the 
hist'ries  claims,  couldn't  tell  a  lie,  which  his  name  it  was  George  Washing- 
ton— same  as  mine  and  Mr.  Bottomfact's  boy's  front  name." 

The  Doubter  here  said  something  about  G.  W.'s  namesakes  not  re- 
sembling him  much  in  one  particular ;  but  the  Chair,  without  deigning  to 
notice  the  slur,  asked  the  Club  if  any  of  them  had  ever  heard  the  story  of 
George  Washington  and  his  little  hatchet. 

There  was  a  unanimous  response  in  the  negative,  and  several  mem- 
bers expressed  a  desire  to  hear  the  story,  which  the  Chair  consented 
to  tell. 

The  Champion  Lie. 

Pointing  his  finger  to  a  picture  on  the  wall,  he  said 
"  Up  yonder  thar  is  the  picture  of  George  Washington,  Esquire,  some- 
times called  the  Father  of  his  Country,  'cause  he  was  first  in  war,  first  in 
peace,  and  first  in  the  hearts  of  his  countrymen.  When  this  here  George 
Washington  was  a  chunk  of  a  boy,  he  lived  on  a  farm,  and  one  day  his 
old  man  went  to  town  and  bought  him  a  hatchet  for  a  birthday.  When 
George  got  the  hatchet  he  went  pirootin'  round  the  ranch,  cuttin'  and 
slashin'  at  everything  in  sight,  and  one  day  he  got  into  the  orchard  and 
tackled  a  cherry  tree  that  the  old  man  set  a  heap  of  store  by — 'cause  it 
was  a  new  kind  of  cherry  as  didn't  grow  no  pits.  Young  George  he 
clapped  eyes  on  this  here  tree,  and  commenced  slashin'  at  it,  kind  of 


92  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    QLUB. 

absent-minded  like,  and  the  first  thing  he  knowed  he'd  busted  his  hatchet 
clean  through  the  middle  of  it,  and  it  was  a  sure  thing  thar  would  be  no 
cherries  without  pits  on  that  ranch  that  season.  When  the  old  man  come 
home  from  town  and  seed  the  tree  cut  down  he  was  as  mad  as  a  hornet, 
and  commenced  rampagin'  round  askin'  of  the  niggers  who  was  the  feller 
what  had  chopped  that  cherry-tree.  George  was  in  the  barn  hackin' 
away  at  an  old  board,  and  heerd  his  dad  askin'  of  these  questions,  and  he 
knowed,  bein'  as  he  was  the  only  boy  on  the  place  as  had  a  hatchet,  that 
the  old  man  had  him  dead  to  rights.  So  he  rushed  out'n  the  barn,  and 
drappin'  at  his  father's  feet,  sung  out :  <  Father,  forgive  me  this  onc't ;  I 
did  it  with  my  small  ax ! '  The  old  man  couldn't  stand  this  ;  it  was  too 
much  for  human  natur'  to  bear,  and  he  busted  out  cryin'  and  said,  '  Bless 
you,  my  children,'  like  they  does  in  the  theater  shows." 

The  Club's  eyes  were  moist  (and  their  throats  otherwise)  when  the 
Chair  had  concluded  the  above  affecting  narration,  and  a  deep  silence 
reigned  in  the  room  for  some  moments.  The  Doubter  was  the  first  to  re- 
cover his  composure  and  his  voice ;  when  he  had  done  so,  he  said  to  the 
Chair : 

"Mr.  President,  do  you  b'leeve  that  thar  yarn ?" 

"  I  must  b'leeve  it,  'cause  it's  handed  down  in  hist'ry,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Wai,  as  for  me,  I  think  it's  the  dog-gonedest  biggest  lie  as  was  ever 
told  in  this  here  Club,  and  I'd  like  to  hear  the  sentiments  of  the  gentlemen 
here  present  on  the  subject." 

"We'll  take  the  sentiments  of  the  Club  then,"  announced  the  Chair. 

The  question  was  then  put  to  the  vote.  As  stated  by  the  Chair  it 
was  thus :  "  The  question  now  before  this  Club  is :  Are  the  story  about  G. 
Washington  and  the  cherry-tree  a  lie,  or  are  it  gospel  truth  ?  Those  in 
favor  of  its  bein'  a  lie,  will  say  'Aye,'  and  those  opposed,  contrarywise." 

The  response  was  a  unanimous  « Aye.' 

Thus  did  the  Club,  at  one  fell  blow,  demolish  one  of  the  great  truths 
of  American  history* 


The  Quadruplex  System. 

The  Western  Union  Telegraph  Company  are  now  using  the  quadru- 
plex  system  over  the  Virginia  and  Salt  Lake  circuit,  by  means  of  which 
four  messages  may  be  sent  simultaneously  over  a  single  wire.  The  wire 
over  which  this  system  is  in  use  passes  through  Austin,  and  has  of  late 
given  considerable  trouble  to  the  operators.  They  have  been  unable  to 
find  any  break,  and  a  close  examination  of  the  wire  has  failed  to  reveal 
any  cause  for  the  difficulties,  which  for  some  time  past  have  been  experi- 
enced in  the  transmission  of  messages  over  it.  The  mystery  is  now  solved, 
however.  In  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club,  at  the  last  session,  Old  Dad  inter- 
preted the  cause  of  the  trouble.  After  describing  the  quadrup  ex  system. 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  93 

he  explained  that  the  strain  on  the  wire  was  increased  beyond  the  wire's 
carrying  capacity.  He  said  he  was  out  at  Dry  Creek  the  day  before,  and 
that  in  that  vicinity  the  wire  was  just  humping  itself,  and  groaning  and 
straining  and  dropping  words  off  in  chunks.  He  examined  the  wire  and 
found  a  knot  in  it,  and  came  to  the  conclusion  that  a  quadruplex  message 
had  struck  the  knot  and  got  tangled  up,  and  stuck  at  that  point.  He  tried 
to  straighten  the  wire  out,  but  a  section  of  an  account  of  a  battle  between 
the  Turks  and  Russians  struck  him  on  the  ear  and  knocked  him  down,  and 
he  concluded  that  it  was  not  advisable  to  fool  with  the  thing.  He  had  in- 
formed the  manager  of  the  telegraph  office  in  town,  as  to  the  cause  of  the 
difficulty,  and  stated  to  the  Club  that  a  man  had  already  been  sent  out 
with  a  crowbar  to  pry  out  some  of  the  biggest  words  and  smooth  the  knot 
down,  so  that  the  words  could  pass  each  other. 


Mosquitoes. 

"Has  any  gentleman  anything  to  offer?"  asked  the  Chair,  when  the 
members  were  all  comfortably  settled  in  their  seats,  a  few  evenings  after. 

"  I  can't  offer  to  treat,"  said  Old  Reliable,  "  'cause  I  aint  got  no  bullion 
in  my  clothes,  and  the  bar-keep  aint  quit  lookin'  crosswise  at  me  yit,  on 
account  of  that  thar  'nitiation  fee  of  mine ;  but  as  the  boys  has  been  talkin' 
'bout  warm  weather,  can't  some  of  the  members  tell  us  somethin'  about 
skeeters  —  which  goes  together  with  hot  weather  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  much  'bout  skeeters,  myself,"  spoke  up  Old  Dad,  "  but 
they  do  say  that  in  Jersey  the  skeeters  is  so  big  they  light  down  onto  the 
face  of  the  country  and  scoop  up  young  calves  and  small  children.  But  I 
was  never  in  Jersey  myself." 

"I  s'pose,"  said  the  Philosopher,  "that  in  speakin*  of  skeeters,  the 
gentleman  refers  to  that  well-known  American  bird,  the  mz'ss-keeter." 

"  That's  the  animal  as  is  bein'  referred  to,"  decided  the  Chair. 

"  Skeeters  ain't  bad  in  this  country,"  remarked  Mr.  Thirsty,  "  owin' 
to  the  altitood  and  the  light  air,  which  doesn't  agree  with  them.  But  up 
north  in  Idaho,  they  is  wuss  than  rats  in  Sacramento.  Why,  I  knowed  a 
man  as  was  camped  out  in  that  country  onc't,  and  durin'  the  night  a  band 
of  skeeters  come  down  and  eat  the  shoes  clean  off'n  his  mule's  hoofs." 

"You're  sure  you  aint  made  no  mistake,  Mr.  Thirsty,"  said  the 
Doubter ;  "  'cause  I've  heerd  that  lie  afore,  and  the  way  it  was  told  to  me, 
the  mule  eat  the  shoes  off  of  the  skeeter's  hoofs." 

The  Chair  bent  a  look  of  sternness  on  the  Doubter,  and  asked  him  if 
he  was  aware  that  such  frivolity  was  a  discourtesy  to  the  Club  at  large. 

"  Don't  you  know,  sir,  that  skeeters  don't  hev  shoes,  and  to  be  throwin' 
out  of  insinooations  that  they  does,  is  to  cast  the  suspicion  of  doubt  onto 
the  remarks  of  the  gentleman  as  preceded  you  ?  You  be  a  old  enough 
member  of  this  Club,  and  the  Chair  has  cussed  you  often  enough  for  you 


04  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

to  know  by  this  time  that  castin'  doubt  onto  another  member's  lie  is  plum, 
dead,  square  agin  the  rules  of  this  here  Club." 

The  Doubter,  with  much  meekness,  replied  that  he  did  not  desire  to 
cast  doubts  on  Mr.  Thirsty's  statement,  but  the  mosquitoes  he  referred  to 
were  the  kind  that  Old  Dad  had  mentioned  as  infesting  the  wilds  of  New 
Jersey,  and  he  did  not  know  but  it  might  be  the  custom  of  the  people  of 
that  country  to  "  lass  "(lassoo)  the  "  varmints  "  and  break  them  to  harness 
and,  of  course,  in  that  case,  they  would  have  to  be  shod 

The  Philosopher  said  that  the  Doubter's  supposition  was  a  perfectly 
natural  one  ;  but,  speaking  of  mules,  had  any  member  here  present  ever  in- 
vestigated the  characteristics  and  studied  the  mental  traits  of 


The  Mule? 

The  Chair  said  that,  for  himself,  he  had  once  met  with  a  blasting  ac- 
cident, and  since  then  had  been  strongly  disinclined  to  fool  with  explo- 
sives. Uncle  John  remarked  that  once,  when  a  man  tried  to  sell  him  a 
mule,  he  consented  to  examine  the  animal.  He  got  the  man  to  drive  the 
animal  into  a  corral,  and  then  got  on  top  of  the  roof  of  a  barn  and  exam- 
ined it  with  a  spy-glass. 

The  Philosopher  here  observed  that  he  did  not  mean  to  refer  partic- 
ularly to  the  leg-power  of  a  mule;  that  subject  had  already  been  exhausted 
in  the  newspapers,  and  the  American  people  are  perfectly  familiar  with  it. 
Said  he : 

"  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen,  what  I'm  tryin'  to  git  at  is  this :  I  ad- 
vance the  propersition  that  mules  don't  never  die.  You  all  think  you've 
seen  a  dead  mule,  don't  you  ?  But  you  never  did.  They  lay  down  and 
look  like  as  if  they  was  dead,  but  it  aint  so.  Sometimes  they're  turned 
into  newspaper  editors,  and  book  agents,  and  other  kind  of  animals  as  has 
cheek;  but  the  active  principle  of  the  mule  is  somethin'  as  never  dies. 
Why  I  know  a  mule  as  is  now  puttin'  in  its  reg'lar  ten-hour  shift  workin' 
on  a  'whim'  on  a  mine  over  in  Humboldt  County,  that  you  couldn't  no 
n. ore  kill  than  you  could  the  snakes  a  man  sees  when  he's  got  the  jim- 
jams.  The  fust  account  any  hist'ry  gives  of  this  here  mule,  he  was  put  up 
for  a  breastworks  at  the  battle  of  New  Orleans,  and  the  Britishers  didn't 
are  to  come  near  enough  to  shoot  at  him  with  a  cannon.  One  cannon- 
ball  did  accidentally  come  pritty  close  to  him,  and  he  let  out  at  it  with 
his  off-hind  foot  and  sent  it  scootin'  back  amongst  the  English  troops,  and 
it  went  clean  through  three  regiments  of  soldiers,  and  the  wind  of  it 
knocked  one  of  them  'high-you'  muckamuck  English  lords  clear  out  of  his 
saddle.  This  here  mule  was  brung  to  Californy  in  the  airly  days,  and 
Grant — the  same  as  used  to  be  President — he  got  hold  of  him  by  winnin' 
of  him  at  a  horse-race.  When  Grant  went  back  to  the  States,  he  took 
that  thar  mule  with  him,  and  took  him  all  through  the  war;  and  I've 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  95 

heerd  it  said  that  Gin'ral  Grant  has  been  heerd  to  say  that  if  it  hadn't  bin 
for  that  thar  mule,  the  chances  was  the  South  would  hev  bin  victorious. 
After  the  war  was  over,  Grant  sold  the  mule  to  Governor  Stanford,  who 
was  buildin'  of  the  Central  Pacific  Railroad  them  days ;  and  that  mule  was 
blowed  clean  out  of  sight  one  day  by  a  nitro-glycerine  explosion.  The 
man  as  found  the  mule,  when  he  come  down,  was  on  his  road  to  the  Black 
Hills ;  and  when  he  got  out  on  the  plains  he  traded  it  to  a  Gov'ment  con- 
tractor, who  sold  it  to  Gin'ral  Ouster,  and  it  was  all  through  that  battle 
what  Custer  was  killed  in,  and  come  out  without  a  scratch.  Gentlemen, 
that  mule  has  a  history.  It  went  to  Africa  with  Stanley,  has  bin  through 
a  tidal-wave  on  the  coast  of  South  America,  taken  a  hand  in  the  famine  in 
China,  was  saved  by  a  scratch  from  a  Mississippi  steamboat  explosion — 
'cause  he  was  at  the  Centennial  at  the  time — and  has  been  more  or  less 
connected  with  every  calamity  as  has  happened  durin'  the  present  cen- 
tury— and  thar  don't  nobody  know  to  a  certainty  as  he  isn't  one  of  the 
pair  of  mules  what  old  Noah  druv'  inter  the  Ark  when  he  was  a-savin' 
of  two  of  each  kind  of  animiles  for  seed,  when  he  saw  that  cloud-burst 
a-comin.'  " 

"  Can  you  show  the  papers  for  that  ?  "  asked  the  Doubter,  when  the 
Philosopher  had  concluded  the  mule's  biography. 

The  Chair  rose  right  up  in  its  seat,  and  frowned  its  darkest  frown 
upon  the  Doubter,  and  requested  that  gentleman  to  state  if  he  was  court- 
ing forcible  expulsion  from  the  Club. 

"  The  idear  of  one  member  askin'  another  gentleman  if  he's  got  the 
papers  to  support  his  remarks  at  one  of  these  meetin's !  It's  the  most 
outrageous  thing  as  has  ever  occured  in  this  here  Club  ;  and  no  matter 
how  much  I  may  think  of  you  as  an  old  pard  of  my  own,  and  one  of  my 
best  friends,  my  duty  is  plain,  and  I've  got  to  enforce  the  rules,  even  if  I 
knowed  we  wouldn't  never  be  friends  no  more.  The  gentleman  as  asks 
for  papers  to  be  produced,  is  fined  the  stimulants  for  the  crowd ;  and  this 
here  Club  stands  adjourned  for  the  present  evenin'.'7 


A  Clear  Atmosphere. 

At  the  meeting  following  the  one  recorded  above,  when  the  Chair 
announced  that  "  lies  is  now  in  order,"  Old  Reliable  opened  the  evening's 
exercises  by  remarking  that  during  the  discussion  at  the  preceding  meet- 
ing, in  referring  to  the  effects  of  this  climate  on  the  health  of  mosquitoes, 
something  had  been  said  about  the  "lightness"  of  the  air.  It  is  a  fact 
well  known  that  in  mountainous  countries,  owing  to  the  rarefaction  of  the 
atmosphere,  the  range  of  human  vision  is  very  wide.  A  hill  or  other  ob- 
ject which  in  less  elevated  localities  would  be  distant  from  the  point  of 
observation  say  a  couple  of  miles,  and  which  appears  to  be  about  that  dis- 
tance away,  may  in  reality  be  from  seventy-five  to  one  hundred  miles  dis- 


96  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

tant.  There  are  places  in  Nevada  where  mountain  peaks  are  plainly  dis- 
cernible at  a  distance  of  over  two  hundred  miles.  The  fact  in  regard  to 
the  clearness  of  the  atmosphere,  and  the  extent  to  which  the  vision  can 
reach,  is  commonly  known  to  the  people  of  Nevada ;  and  it  was  in  refer- 
ence to  this  that  he  spoke  of  the  "  lightness "  of  the  air. 

"I  b'leeve  somethin'  was  said  on  that  subjeck,"  said  the  Philosopher, 
"but  has  the  member  as  referred  to  it  ever  bin  in  Colorado?" 

Old  Reliable  answered  that  he  had  never  visited  the  particular  State 
in  question. 

"Then," said  the  Philosopher,  "  he  don't  know  nothin'  about  light  air. 
Why,  up  on  some  of  them  high  peaks  of  the  Rocky  Mountains,  when  the 
weather  is  clear,  a  man  can  stand  and  see  the  ships  comin'  in  through 
the  Golden  Gate  at  San  Francisco,  purvidin'  he's  lookin'  westward." 

Old  Reliable  drew  a  sigh  that  seemed  to  come  from  the  innermost 
recesses  of  his  boots,  as  he  said  : 

"  That  raises  me  clean  out.  What  I  was  goin'  to  remark  don't  begin 
to  come  up  to  the  remarks  of  the  previous  gentleman." 

"Let's  have  it,  anyway,"  demanded  Uncle  John. 

"No,"  said  Old  Reliable,  "Hay  down  my  hand  and  quit.  For  onct 
in  my  life  I've  got  to  holler  enough.  The  gentleman  as  knows  all  about 
them  scientific  things  has  got  me  in  the  door,  and  my  hand  sinks  down 
inter  absoloot  insignifercance." 

"  Cheer  up,  cheer  up,  Mr.  O.  R.,"  said  the  Chair,  syrnpathizingly ; 
"  there's  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  was  ever  yanked  out  of  it.  Let's  hear 
your  little  lie  ;  and  this  here  Club  will  be  the  judges." 

Thus  implored,  "  Mr.  O.  R."  proceeded  to  recite  his  little  tale,  which 
was  as  follows : 

"  I'd  heern  tell  so  much  about  the  light  air  in  this  country,  and  how  n 
man  could  see  a  deer  on  top  of  a  mountain  a  hundred  mile  off,  that  I 
made  up  my  mind  to  try  somethin'.  The  other  mornin'  I  climbed  up  onto 
the  summit  of  Mount  Prometheus  to  take  a  peep  and  see  what  I  could  see. 
The  mornin'  was  clear,  not  a  cloud  bein'  in  the  sky,  and  when  I  began  to 
look  over  west,  the  fust  thing  I  seed  was  Virginny  City,  strung  along  the 
side  of  old  Mount  Davidson  jest  as  nat'ral  as  life.  I  thought  at  fust  it  was 
a  mirage,  'cause  Virginny  is  a  hundred  and  eighty  miles  from  here  in  a  all- 
line  ;  but  I  soon  seed  that  the  thing  was  as  real  and  honest  as  the  Metho- 
dist Church  steeple,  which  was  a  pritty  considerable  distance  off,  as  you 
may  know,  but  didn't  s<-eni  mor'n  twenty  foot  away  from  me.  Wai,  I 
got  to  lookin'  around  to  see  what  was  goin'  on  in  Virginny.  I  seed  the 
quartz  wagons  goin'  through  the  streets,  and  the  minin'  superintenders 
drivin'  around  with  their  spang-up  teams,  and  all  the  population  bowin' 
and  scrapin'  to  'em ;  and  I  seed  a  couple  of  fellows  havin'  a  shootin'  scrape 
on  C  street,  and  all  the  p'licemen  runnin'  down  to  Chinatown  to  arrest  the 
Chinamen  for  firm'  fire-arms  inside  the  city  limits  ;  and  I  seed  the  ladies 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  97 

steppin'  across  the  street  and  holdin'  up  their  dresses — and  most  of  'em 
had  on  striped  stockings.  I  couldn't  hear  the  steam  whistles  on  the  histin' 
works  at  the  mines,  but  I  could  see  when  they  tooted  'em,  and  I  could  see 
'em  changin'  shifts  at  some  of  the  mines,  and  the  night-shift  coniiii'  up  on 
the  cage  and  the  day-shift  goin'  down.  But  the  most  important  thing  I 
seed  was  in  the  court-house.  I  looked  into  the  county  jail,  and  I  s..-ed 
a  feller  what  was  in  thai*  for  stealin'  a  bronco  horse,  sittin'  in  cell  Num- 
ber Four  filin'  off  his  irons.  He  was  red-headed,  hed  a  wart  on  his  nose 
and  checkered  pants  and  a  Calif orny  gray  shirt.  I  come  down  as  quick 
as  I  could,  and  told  the  sheriff  up  here  to  the  court-house,  and  he  sent  a 
telegraph  to  the  sheriff  over  at  Virginny,  tellin'  of  him  to  look  out  for  cell 
Number  Four.  Pritty  soon  he  got  a  answer,  and  the  Virginny  sheriff  said 
that  cell  Number  Four  was  a  awful  criminal  and  had  jest  escaped  by  blowin' 
up  the  court-house  with  nitre-glycerine,  and  him  and  a  man  as  was  in  for 
murder,  and  who  was  actin'  as  deputy  sheriff,  was  goin'  out  in  a  couple 
of  days — soon  as  a  reward  was  offered — to  hunt  up  that  feller  what  had 
escaped  from  Number  Four." 

"  I  call  for  the  decision  of  the  Chair !  "  exclaimed  the  Doubter,  when 
Old  Reliable  had  concluded. 

The  Chair  decided  as  follows : 

"  Gentlemen,  in  the  humble  opinion  of  this  here  Chair,  the  Nevady 
lie  is  ahead  of  the  Colorado  lie.  The  Colorado  lie  only  showed  the  ships 
comin'  into  the  Golden  Gate  at  'Frisco,  but  we  all  knows  a  ship  is  a  big 
object,  and  can  be  seed  a  long  distance  off ;  but  when  a  atmosphere  exists 
as  will  make  a  man  able  to  see  clear  through  a  brick  wall  a  hundred  and 
eighty  miles  off,  I  say  that  it's  a  pritty  clear  case." 

"A  clear  case  of  the  jim-jams,"  growled  the  Doubter. 

"  I  thought  I'd  told  you  afore  about  indulgin'  in  personalities  to'rds 
members/'  said  the  Chair,  angrily,  addressing  himself  to  the  Doubter ; 
"  but,  howsomever,  I  would  suggest  to  our  friend  as  tells  about  what  he 
seed  up  on  the  mounting,  thet  he  goes  up  thar  ag'in,  and  watches  for  that 
feller  what  escaped,  and  p'raps  he'll  see  him  streakin'  it  across  the  country, 
and  can  corral  him,  and  come  in  for  that  thar  reward." 

Old  Reliable  replied  that  he  would  wait  till  the  reward  was  offered, 
and  might  "  take  a  hand  in  that  game  "  if  the  amount  was  big  enough  to 
make  it  an  object  to  a  gentleman  to  exert  himself  to  the  extent  necessary 
to  climb  the  mountain  and  look  for  the  escaped  prisoner. 


Fish  Lies. 

The  debate  for  some  little  time  after  the  occurrence  of  the  proceed- 
ings narrated  above  seemed  to  lag  for  want  of  material,  and  things  looked 
favorable  for  a  dull  and  spiritless  session.  The  President  yawned,  and 
the  Secretary  actually  "threw  off,"  so  that  the  other  man  might  make 

7 


98  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

high,  low,  jack,  pedro,  and  the  game.  The  members  smoked  their  pipes 
and  chewed  on  their  quids,  and  were  seemingly  wrapped  in  their  own 
thoughts,  or  sleeping  the  sleep  of  the  just,  and  dreaming  the  happy  hours 
away ;  and  it  seemed  as  if  all  the  life  had  suddenly  gone  out  of  the  Club. 
At  last  Old  Dad  came  to  the  rescue.  He  knew  that  the  subject  of  fishing 
is  one  which  affords  so  wide  a  scope  for  the  talents  of  the  liar  that  the 
mere  mention  of  fish  or  fishing  was  enough  to  excite  the  Club  to  action, 
and  to  cause  the  old  fire  to  again  burn  in  the  eyes  of  its  members.  Stamp- 
ing his  foot  on  the  floor  to  attract  the  attention  of  the  Club,  (though  he 
apologized  for  the  action  by  saying  that  he  actually  thought  his  foot  must 
have  gone  to  sleep)  he  said : 

"Gentlemen,  you've  all  on  you  done  more  or  less  fishin',  and  no 
doubt  every  man  of  you  thinks  he's  the  best  fisherman  as  ever  made  a 
track  along  a  stream.  I'm  a  pritty  good  fisher  myself,  and  can  yank  as 
many  trout  out  of  one  hole — providin'  they're  in  thar — as  the  next  man  ; 
but  from  all  I  can  hear,  and  from  what's  been  told  me,  thar  is  a  fisher  as 
discounts  any  of  us." 

"  Whar  does  he  live?"  inquired  the  Doubter. 

"  Over  to  Virginny  City  and  in  that  neighborhood,"  was  the  reply. 

"What's  his  name?"  asked  Mr.  Thirsty;  "he's  got  to  be  a  pritty 
good  fisher  if  he  can  git  away  with  me  when  I'm  at  myself." 

"  Oh,  you've  all  heard  of  him,"  said  Dad,  after  keeping  the  Club  in 
suspense  while  deliberately  cutting  a  pipe-full  of  tobacco  from  a  plug  of 
that  article,  and  filling  his  pipe. 

"  Who  is  he  ?  Who  is  he  ?  "  asked  a  number  of  members  simulta- 
neously. 

Dad  struck  a  match  and  lit  the  pipe,  and  then  taking  several  long  whiffs, 
he  looked  up  at  the  curling  smoke  and  said : 

"  This  here  fisher  is  p'raps  the  greatest  fisher  in  the  world.  As  I've 
said,  you've  all  heard  of  this  fisher.  Mr.  President,  the  fisher  to  which  I'm 
makin'  reference  is  the  great  Comstock  fissure" 

A  look  of  blank  amazement  came  over  the  faces  of  the  Club,  and  it 
was  at  least  a  minute  before  the  Chair  could  subdue  its  feelings  and  find 
words  in  which  to  rebuke  Old  Dad  for  what  it  characterized  as  his  levity. 

"I'm  sure/'  said  the  Chair,  addressing  the  culprit,  "  that  you're  the 
last  man  in  the  world  that  I'd  have  thought  would  have  undertaken  to 
catch  this  here  Club  on  a  sell." 

Dad  said  he  had  not  meant  to  hurt  anybody's  feelings ;  and  sooner 
than  that  anybody  should  feel  aggrieved  over  his  little  joke,  the  Club 
could  "sashay"  to  the  bar  at  his  expense. 

Thus  was  the  bloody  chasm  bridged  over  with  kindly  feeling,  and  tne 
era  of  conciliation  again  resumed  its  sway  in  the  Club. 

When  the  members  resumed  their  seats,  Mr.  Thirsty  took  the  floor, 
saying : 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  99 

"  Gentlemen,  speakin'  of  fishin',  I've  got  a  little  fish  story  myself." 

"  Propel ! "  said  the  Chair. 

And  Mr.  T.  "  propelled  "  as  follows : 

"  I  was  up  Reese  River  fishin'  last  week,  and  a  very  curious  occur- 
rence occurred  to  me.  I'd  fished  along  up  and  down  the  bank  all  mornin', 
without  hevin'  any  luck  wuth  tellin'  of,  and  was  gittin'  kind  of  disgusted 
like — 'cause  the  fish  wouldn't  bite,  and  my  bottle  was  as  dry  as  a  powder- 
horn,  I  myself  bein'  pritty  much  in  the  same  condition.  I  was  trampin' 
along  the  bank,  droppin'  my  hook  in  here  and  thar  whenever  I  saw  a 
likely  place,  more  jest  to  be  doin'  somethin'  than  expectin'  to  get  a  bite, 
when  I  come  to  a  big,  deep  hole,  whar  the  water  was  clear  as  a  lookin'- 
glass.  Peepin'  over  the  bank,  I  seed  the  biggest  trout  I  ever  laid  eyes  on. 
It  was  a-swimmin'  round  in  the  pool,  and  there  was  up'ards  of  four  hun- 
dred little  trouts  follerin'  it  around,  like  a  lot  of  chickens  follerin'  of  the 
old  hen. 

"  '  The  mother  of  all  the  trouts  in  Reese  River,  by  thunder ! '  says  I  to 
myself. 

"  Wai,  I  baited  my  hook,  and  sneaked  my  pole  over  the  bank,  and 
drapped  the  line  inter  the  pool ;  and  the  fust  thing  I  knowed,  I  got  the 
most  all-powerful  bite " 

"Was  it  a  skeeter?"  interrupted  the  Doubter. 

"Skeeter  be  blowed!  No;  it  warn't  no  skeeter,  but  jest  that  big 
fish,  the  mother  of  all  the  trouts  in  Reese  River.  I  jest  braced  myself, 
give  one  yank,  and  landed  that  old  trout  high  and  dry  on  the  grass  be- 
hind me." 

"Did  you  bring  it  home?"  hurriedly  asked  Uncle  John,  who  has  a 
weakness  for  fish,  and  hoped  to  come  in  for  a  portion  of  the  trout. 

"  No,  I  didn't  fetch  it  home,"  returned  Mr.  Thirsty ;  "  it  went  ag'in 
my  conscience  to  do  it.  When  I  looked  back  inter  that  thar  hole,  thar 
was  them  little  fishes  a-swimmin'  round  and  round,  and  a-takin'  on  orful, 
'cause  their  mother  was  gone.  Gentlemen,  you  all  know  I'm  a  kind- 
hearted  man,  and  I  couldn't  stand  by  and  see  the  distressful  actions  of 
them  fish ;  so  I  jest  took  the  hook  out  of  that  nineteen-pound  trout,  and 
chucked  her  back  inter  the  water.  You  jest  ought  to  seed  them  little 
trouts  when  the  old  she-one  struck  the  water ;  they  felt  as  glad  as  if  forty 
bushels  of  worms  and  a  lot  of  grasshoppers  had  drapped  down  on  them 
from  heaven.  The  old  gal  she  jest  throwed  herself  over  on  her  back,  and 
the  young  ones  they  begin  to  suckle  her,  jest  like  a  lot  of  kittens ;  and 
when  I  left  thar  she  was  feedin'  some  of  the  smallest  ones  with  one  of 
them  thar  nursin'  bottles." 

"  Your  heart's  a  heap  bigger  than  your  appetite  for  trout,"  said  Uncle 
John,  sarcastically. 

"  Mebbe  that's  so,  and  mebbe  it  aint,"  returned  Mr.  Thirsty;  "but, 
gentlemen,  I  actooally  believe  that  in  chuckin'  of  that  thar  fish  back  inter 


100  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

the  stream,  I've  been  a  public  benefactor.  If,  as  I'm  inclined  to  b'leere, 
she  was  the  mother  of  all  the  trouts  in  the  river,  why  it  follers  as  a  nat'ral 
consequence  that  if  I'd  have  killed  her,  all  the  other  fishes  would  hev  died 
for  want  of  a  mother's  care ;  and  then  what  would  all  you  fellers  do  for 
fishin'?" 

"Eat  mackerel,"  growled  Uncle  John. 

The  Chair  here  interposed,  and  stated  that  while  it  did  not  take  much 
stock  in  Mr.  Thirsty's  fish,  the  discussion  between  him  and  Uncle  John 
had  extended  to  the  utmost  limit  of  propriety ;  and,  for  fear  of  accidents, 
he  would  now  declare  the  Club  adjourned  for  the  evening. 


A  Conundrum  for  the  Club. 

The  members  were  all  in  their  seats,  and  the  Chair  was  just  in  the 
act  of  taking  his  chew  of  tobacco  out  of  his  mouth,  that  he  might  the 
better  have  the  use  of  his  voice  in  calling  the  Club  to  order,  when  a 
stranger  entered  the  room. 

The  new-comer  walked  straight  to  the  bar,  and  then,  facing  toward 
the  Club,  nodded  to  the  Chair,  and  said : 

"  Come  up,  gentlemen,  and  wet  your  whistles." 

Each  member  of  the  Club  jumped  to  his  feet  and  started  for  the  bar 
to  accept  the  stranger's  invitation ;  but  the  Chair  rapped  on  the  stove 
with  its  stick,  and  demanded  order. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "you're  actin' like  a  lot  of  hogs;  don't  you 
know  the  rules  of  this  here  Club  about  the  members  drinkin'  with  stran- 
gers?" 

Mr.  Truefact,  who  appeared  in  the  Club  this  evening  for  the  first  time 
since  being  attacked  with  the  fever,  attempted  to  stutter  out  that  as  he 
understood  the  rule  it  was  never  to  refuse  to  drink  with  anybody;  but 
the  Chair  shut  off  debate  from  the  convalescent  fever  patient  by  saying  : 

"  If  we'd  wait  for  you  to  interpret  the  rules,  we'd  die  of  thirst  afore 
we  got  a  chance  to  drink." 

Then,  again  addressing  himself  to  the  Club,  he  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  this  here  thing  must  be  put  to  a  vote,  and  I  caution  you 
that  there  must  be  unanimous  consent.  All  those  as  is  in  favor  of  drinkin' 
with  this  gentleman,  please  say  '  Aye ' — contrary-minded,  '  No.'  " 

A  prompt  "  aye  "  from  every  member  present  attested  the  "  unani- 
mous consent." 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  the  Chair,  "you  have  so  decided,  and  we'll  purceed 
to  drink  with  this  here  stranger.  All  promenade  to  the  bar." 

The  members  promenaded,  and  as  they  stood  ranged  along  the  bar, 
each,  glass  in  hand,  awaiting  the  signal  from-  the  President  to  chorus, 
w  Here's  luck,"  the  stranger  said  : 

"Gentlemen,  why  am  I  a  musician  of  the  first  order?" 


SOME  LIES  AND    OTHERWISE.  101 

The  President  said  this  was  not  a  conundrum  society,  and  on  behalf  of 
the  Club  he  gave  it  up. 

"  Because,"  continued  the  stranger,  "  I  have  waked  to  ecstacy  the  liv- 
ing lyre  (liar)." 

"  Can't  see  the  point,"  said  the  Doubter,  swallowing  his  liquor  and 
walking  away  from  the  bar. 

"  Best  thing  I  ever  heard  in  my  life,''  said  the  Chair. 

"  I  s'pose  you  mean  the  invitation  to  drink,"  whispered  Uncle  John 
to  the  President. 

The  Chair  trod  on  Uncle  John's  foot,  for  the  purpose,  as  it  (the  Chair) 
afterwards  expressed  it,  of  cautioning  Uncle  John  not  to  "  give  away  the 
business."  But  it  happened  to  be  Uncle  John's  rheumatic  foot  that  was 
trodden  on,  and  the  old  rnan  said  some  bad  words,  and  hopped  around  on 
one  leg.  This  gave  all  the  members  something  to  laugh  at ;  and  the  stran- 
ger thought  they  were  laughing  at  his  conundrum,  and  said  : 

"Thank  you,  gentlemen,  jou're  the  most  appreciative  lot  of  cusses 
J[  ever  saw.  But  I  can't  stop ;  I've  got  to  go  up  town  and  ask  a  man  why 
an  old  maid  is  like  a  buzz-saw  running  at  four  thousand  revolutions  a 
minute." 

"  Give  it  up,"  said  the  Secretary,  from  the  little  round  table  over  in 
the  corner. 

"  Then  I  take  down  the  pot,"  said  his  opponent. 

This  gave  rise  to  a  dispute  between  the  Secretary  and  the  man  he  was 
playing  with,  the  latter  contending  that  the  former  had  given  up  the  game, 
and  the  Secretary  insisting  that  it  was  the  conundrum  he  meant  to  give 
up ;  and  during  the  confusion  the  stranger  escaped.  The  disturbance 
which  arose  in  the  arbitration  of  this  matter  by  the  Club  caused  the  stran- 
ger and  his  conundrum  to  be  forgotten,  and  prevented  its  merits  being 
discussed,  as  it  otherwise  would  have  been.  The  President  decided  the 
Secretary's  dispute  by  ordering  the  pot  confiscated  to  the  use  of  the  Club, 
and  the  money  appropriated  to  the  purchase  of  the  "  drinks  for  the  crowd." 

"  Further   Business." 

After  the  ceremonies  of  confiscation  and  appropriation,  the  members 
resumed  their  seats,  and  further  business  was  transacted  as  follows : 

Uncle  John  related  that  where  he  used  to  live  in  the  States  there  was 
a  dog-breeder,  who,  by  means  of  crossing  various  kinds  of  dogs,  finally 
became  possessed  of  one  so  small  that  when  ten  feet  off  she  could  not  be 
seen  except  by  the  aid  of  opera-glasses.  The  man  had  been  in  hopes  of 
getting  the  thing  down  so  fine  that  he  would  grow  rich  by  the  sale  of 
dogs  of  a  suitable  size  for  microscopic  watch-charms ;  but  he  failed  on 
that.  When  this  animal  became  a  mother,  she  gave  birth  to  seven  bull- 
pups,  each  of  which  weighed  eleven  pounds  at  birth. 


102  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Nobody  expressed  any  doubts  of  the  truth  of  this  story;  but  the 
Doubter  was  heard  to  mutter:  "Seven  times  'leven's  seventy-seven. 
Seventy-seven  pounds  of  bull-pup,  and  the  mother  no  bigger'n  a  peach- 
pit!" 

When  Uncle  John  had  concluded,  the  Chair  asked  if  anybody  could 
"  call  that."    There  was  no  answer  to  this  question,  but  Mr.  Truef act  said  : 
"  S-p-p-osen  w-wee  t-t-talk  'b-b-bout  g-g-g-gras-s-s-hop-p-p-pers  ?  " 
"  S'posen  we  do,"  assented  several  members. 

Then  the  discussion  was  opened  under  the  head  of  "  grasshoppers." 
All  the  old  stories  about  grasshoppers  eating  mules  and  stopping 
railroad  trains  and  bridging  over  rivers  were  related,  and  recorded  by  the 
Secretary,  and  it  looked  as  if  nothing  new  on  the  subject  was  to  be  ad- 
vanced, and  one  member  had  even  essayed  to  make  a  motion  to  adjourn 
by  saying  that  the  times  were  too  dull  and  money  too  scarce  for  good, 
square,  honest,  lying,  when  Old  Reliable  interrupted,  and  said  he  hoped 
the  gentleman  would  withhold  his  motion  for  a  moment.  This  request  be- 
ing acquiesced  in,  Old  Reliable  cocked  his  feet  upon  the  stove,  borrowed 
the  President's  pipe,  and  spoke  as  follows : 

"Mr.  President,  and  gentlemen  of  the  Club,  what  I  am  about  to  re- 
late aint  no  lie ;  it's  a  true  and  actual  positive  fact.  Once,  when  I  was 
in  Salt  Lake,  during  one  of  the  grasshopper  years,  they  had  br'iled  chicken 
marked  on  the  bill  of  fare  at  the  restaurant  I  boarded  at.  I'm  sort  of 
partial  to  '  yaller-legs,'  and  I  told  the  waiter  to  bring  me  half  a  br'iled 
chicken,  which  he  did,  as  soon  as  the  cook  had  fixed  it  up  in  shape.  I 
proceeded  to  eat  the  bird,  but  noticed  a  kind  of  peculiar  taste  to  it.  So  I 
questioned  the  waiter  about  it ;  and,  gentlemen,  what  do  you  suppose  I 
had  been  eating  ?  " 

"  Grasshopper  !  "  cried  the  entire  Club  in  chorus. 
"  Not  much  ;  it  was  jest  chicken.     You  see  it  was  so  long  since  I  had 
eat  chicken  that  it  tasted  kinder  peculiar  to  me." 

"Sold,  by  thunder!"  was  all  the  President  said;  but  those  words 
fitly  expressed  the  sentiments  of  the  entire  Club. 

"  Speakin'  of  chickens,"  said  Old  Dad,  when  the  Chair  announced 
that  the  Club  was  again  ready  for  business,  "  speakin'  of  chickens  reminds 
me  of  somethin' "  ;  and  then  he  related  a  narrative,  the  substance  of  which 
was  as  follows : 

Back  in  the  Shenandoah  Valley,  when  he  was  a  boy,  the  whole  coun- 
try was  covered  with  Methodist  preachers  and  "  yaller-leg"  chickens.  The 
former  used  to  visit  the  people  who  owned  the  chickens,  generally  accom- 
panied by  an  umbrella  and  a  pair  of  saddle-bags,  and  when  any  one  of  them 
took  his  departure  many  less  chickens  lived  on  that  farm  than  when  he 
arrived.  His  uncle  was  the  possessor  of  a  yellow  hound,  which  had  been 
taught  to  chase  and  catch  the  feathered  bipeds  when  any  were  wanted 
for  the  table,  and  the  animal  got  to  know  the  preachers  so  well  that  when- 


SOME  LIES  A&JJ    OTHERWISE.  103 

ever  a  man  appeared  on  the  farm  with  an  umbrella  and  a  pair  of  saddle- 
bags, he  would  not  wait  for  orders,  but  would  make  a  straight  break  for  the 
chickens,  a  number  of  which  he  would  catch  and  carry  to  the  house.  To 
save  their  poultry  his  uncle  had  either  to  turn  Presbyterian,  or  kill  the 
dog;  and  he  chose  to  change  his  creed. 

Dad  concluded  the  hour  had  grown  late,  and  the  Chair  said  he 
"reckoned  they  had  better  adjourn,"  and  was  about  to  declare  the  even- 
ing's session  at  an  end,  when  another  stranger  entered  the  room.  He  was 
ragged  and  dirty,  and  as  he  passed  the  bar  he  looked  imploringly  at  the 
bar-keeper.  That  individual  pretended  not  to  see  him ;  and  the  stranger 
walked  right  up  to  the  stove,  lifted  his  coat-tails,  placed  his  hands  behind 
his  back,  and  braced  himself  so  as  to  catch  the  warmth  on  the  reverse  por- 
tion of  his  anatomy,  while  the  obverse  faced  the  Club. 

"Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "was  any  of  you  fellers  ever  in  this  new  minin' 
country,  the  Black  Hills?" 

There  was  no  answer. 

"  I  was  thai*  nigh  onto  twenty  year  ago/'  continued  he  of  the  rags  and 
dirt,  "but  was  druv  out  by  the  Injuns,  and  they  come  mighty  nigh  nailin' 
my  skelp,  too,  you  bet  your  life." 

"What  kind  of  a  country  is  it  for  timber  and  water?"  asked  the 
Chair,  who  felt  that  it  devolved  on  somebody  to  notice  the  stranger. 

"  Timber  and  water !  Blazes !  Thar's  a  water  stream  every  hundred 
yards,  bunch  grass  at  every  step,  and  more  and  bigger  pine  timber  to  the 
squar'  foot  than  to  the  squar'  mile  in  the  Sary  Nevadys,  and  just  alive 
with  game  at  that.  All  a  man  need's  in  that  country  to  git  a  livin'  with  is 
a  shotgun  and  a  sack  of  salt.  Now  ef  any  of  you  gentlemen's  got  a  few 
dollars  to  invest  in  a  good  prospector,  and  a  miner  sence  forty-nine,  jest 
put  yer  trust  in  me.  Gimme  an  outfit — a  ridin'  animal,  a  pack  animal,  a 
Henry  rifle,  tools,  and  about  two  hundred  dollars'  wuth  of  pervisions — and 
I'll  go  to  them  thar  Black  Hills  and  locate  every  one  of  you  a  claim  that'll 
pan  out  to  make  yer  all  richer  than  Rosschild  and  Creesus  put  together. 
Does  any  of  you  gentlemen  wish  to  invest?" 

Echo  answered  "  nary  invest,"  and  the  President  thereupon  declared 
the  Club  adjourned. 


The   Club   Perpetuated. 

The  President  arose  from  his  chair  in  front  of  the  stove,  and  sighed. 
His  classic  features  had  a  care  worn  look,  and  all  the  members  present  men- 
tally noted  that  their  beloved  presiding  officer  seemed  sad  and  cast  down ; 
and  Mr.  Thirsty  was  heard  to  mutter  in  an  undertone  that  the  Chair  looked 
as  solemn  as  he  (Mr.  Thirsty)  did  on  the  occasion  that  he  met  with  a  mis- 
fortune by  swallowing  a  fly  in  his  whisky. 


104  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

The  Chair  simply  said :  "Gentlemen  of  the  Club,  jine  me  at  the  bar." 

And  the  Club  jined. 

The  Chair  informed  the  bar-keeper  that  he  would  take  "  the  same  old 
thing" ;  and  as  he  poured  the  fluid  from  the  bottle  into  the  glass,  it  was 
noticed  that  he  made  his  allowance  considerably  in  excess  of  the  usual 
"three  fingers" — that  he  filled  the  glass  nearly  level  with  its  brim.  The 
bar-keeper  looked  at  him  reproachfully,  and  remarked  something  about 
there  being  a  wholesale  liquor  store  down  town,  and  the  Chair  took  the 
hint,  and  said,  in  an  apologetic  tone : 

"  I  need  a  big  snort,  to  brace  me  up ;  I'm  rastlin'  with  a  mighty 
problem." 

"  A  bar-glass  level-full  of  straight  whisky  at  one  gulp  is  a  mighty  prob- 
lem for  any  white  man  to  rastle  with,"  returned  the  bar-keeper,  in  a  sarcas- 
tic tone  of  voice. 

"  Yes,"  meekly  replied  the  Chair ;  "  like  assimulates  to  like,  and  I'm 
sendin'  of  this  here  mighty  problem  to  meet  the  mighty  problem  as  is  now 
agitatin'  of  my  brain."  So  saying,  he  swallowed  the  whisky,  as  the  bar- 
keeper had  described  the  process  in  advance,  "at  one  gulp" ;  and  as  soon 
as  he  had  regained  his  breath,  he  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  let  us  resume." 

"  The  way  to  resume  is  to  resume,"  remarked  the  Philosopher. 

"  I  hope  members  won't  indulge  in  no  triflin'  to-night,"  said  the  Chair, 
with  the  tears  welling  up  into  its  eyes — from  the  effects  of  his  overdose  of 
stimulant — "we  hev  on  hand  the  most  important  business  as  has  ever  come 
afore  this  Club ;  so  please  resume  your  seats  and  come  to  order,  and  I'll 
state  the  sittywation." 

The  members,  whose  curiosity  was  now  thoroughly  aroused,  hurriedly 
resumed  their  seats ;  and  the  Chair,  having  secured  order,  arose  and  said : 

"  Gentlemen  of  this  here  Club  :  As  I  hev  stated  afore,  we  hev  most 
important  business  afore  us  to-night.  You  are  goin'  to  be  called  on  to  de- 
liberate the  gravest  question  as  has  ever  come  under  the  consideration  of 
this  here  flourishin'  organization  from  the  minnit  of  its  commencement  to 
date.  I,  as  I  hev  said,  hev  rastled  with  the  problem,  but  it  knocks  the 
spots  off  me.  In  fact,  I  give  it  up.  I  onc't  heerd  a  man  say  that  in  a 
multitude  of  counselors  thar  is  safety ;  and  I'm  goin'  to  submit  this  here 
question  to  the  whole  Club,  not  feelin'  like  takin'  the  responsibility  of  de- 
cidin'  it  single-handed,  which,  howsomever,  I  hev  power  to  do  under  our 
Constitution  and  By-laws,  bein'  as  I'm  President." 

"  State  your  p'int  of  order,"  interrupted  the  Aye-and-N"o  Member,  who 
was  evidently  growing  impatient. 

"  If  you're  goin'  to  state  this  question,  you  better  come  up  here  and 
do  it,  and  you  be  President  instead  of  me,  and  I'll  step  down  and  out  into 
the  obscurity  of  private  life,"  returned  the  Chair,  in  a  reproachful  tone, 
and  with  his  eyes  bent  on  the  Aye-and-No  Member. 


X*v 


1  tnsn 


RA*?X 


SOME  LIES  AND  OTHER  WISE.  105 

"  Mebbe  I  could  do  it  as  well  as  some  folks  as  I  knows  on,  and  not  be 
all  night  beatin'  round  the  bushes  at  it,  either,"  snappishly  returned  the 
official  voter  for  the  Club. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  the  Chair,  in  a  sad  tone,  "  you  all  know  me  well 
enough  to  know  that  at  any  other  time  I  should  resent  the  remarks  of  the 
galoot  as  has  preceded  me.  But  this  is  no  time  for  quarrelin',  and,  consid- 
crin'  that  we  hev  important  business  on  hand,  and  that  this  is  the  fust  de- 
bate in  which  the  gentleman  has  took  part,  I  overlook  his  unpoliteness  to 
his  presiding  officer  on  this  occasion.  Now  to  the  p'int.  The  Seccertary 
will  please  read  this,  which  explains  itself,  and  durin'  the  readin'  let  every 
member  sit  still  as  a  mice." 

So  saying,  the  Chair  handed  the  Secretary  an  envelope,  from  which 
that  official  extracted  a  sheet  of  letter  paper,  and  read  from  it  as  follows: 

AUSTIN,  Nevada,  Nov.  20th,  1877. 

To  THE  PRESIDENT  AND  MEMBERS  OF  THE  SAZERAC  LYING  CLUB 
— Gentlemen :  As  you  may  be  personally  and  officially  aware,  I  have,  in 
my  capacity  of  editor  of  the  Daily  Reese  River  REVEILLE,  been  divers 
and  sundry  times  called  upon  to  record  in  my  valuable,  widely  circulated, 
and  strictly  family  journal,  some  of  the  proceedings  of  the  Club  of  which 
you  have  the  distinguished  honor  to  be  President  and  members.  This  cir- 
cumstance has  caused  the  fame  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  to  spread 
abroad  over  this  land  of  liberty,  and  even  across  the  great  waters  to  the 
effete  monarchies  of  the  old  world,  and  all  up  and  down  the  earth,  and  to 
the  ends  thereof.  Yes,  Mr.  President  and  gentlemen,  your  fame  and  re- 
nown have  spread  like  the  exhalations  of  the  upas  tree,  or  a  Chinese  um- 
brella, or  a  Chicago  girl's  feet,  or  a  church  scandal,  or  anything  else  that 
has  a  habit  of  spreading ;  until  at  last  it  has  even  reached  unto  San  Fran- 
cisco. 

I  am  in  receipt  of  a  communication  from  a  firm  of  San  Francisco  pub- 
lishers, requesting  me  to  endeavor  to  obtain  access  to  the  archives  and 
records  of  your  Club,  and  to  extract  therefrom  such  matter  as  I,  in  my 
judgment,  may  select,  the  same  to  be  published  by  the  said  firm  in  the 
form  of  a  book,  that  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club  may  be  perpetuated  unto  our 
children,  and  our  children's  children,  and  to  other  generations  yet  unborn. 
My  object,  therefore,  in  thus  addressing  your  most  honorable  body,  is  to 
obtain  the  permission  as  herein  set  forth  for  the  purpose  above  stated,  and 
to  enable  me  to  comply  with  the  request  embodied  in  the  preceding. 

Respectfully, 

EDITOR  REVEILLE. 

P.  S. — The  publishers  state  that  their  object  in  desiring  to  publish  the 
book  aforesaid  is  not  for  mere  speculative  purposes,  or  to  make  money ; 
but  simply  that  a  light  may  be  given  to  the  world  that  shall  guide  the 
step  of  youthful  innocence  in  the  walk  of  virtue,  and  lead  the  tottering 
feet  of  age  through  a  path  that  shall  be  a  fitting  close  to  an  eventful  life. 

"  I  vote  aye ! "  shouted  the  Aye-and-No  Member  when  the  Secretary 
had  concluded  the  reading  of  the  above.  "  I  want  to  be  perpetuated  to 
rising — may  I  say  self-rising? — generations." 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  the  Chair,  solemnly,  "  this  is  not  a  matter  to  be 


106  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

decided  in  a  minnit.  We  must  deliberate  on  it — calmly,  deliberately,  dis- 
passionately ;  without  fear  or  favor ;  with  charity  towards  all,  with  malice 
towards  none,  and  irrespective  of  age,  sex,  or  previous  condition  of  servi- 
tude. I  would  like  to  hear  a  expression  of  the  sentiments  of  the  Club  on 
this  here  subjeck." 

Mr.  Thirsty  spoke  up  and  said,  for  his  part,  he  didn't  want  to  be  "  cre- 
mated ";  he  had  read  in  a  paper  recently  an  account  of  the  cremation  of 
a  woman  in  Pennsylvania,  and  concluded  it  must  hurt. 

"  N-n-not  c-c-c-rem-m-ma-t-t-ted,  b-b-but  p-p-p-p-p-erp-p-p-p-et-tuat-ted, 
you  d-d-d " 

Before  Mr.  Truefact  could  finish  the  sentence  given  in  part  above, 
the  Chair  called  him  to  order,  and  explained  to  Mr.  Thirsty  that  he  had 
not  heard  the  word  aright — that  it  was  perpetuation  and  not  cremation 
that  was  under  discusssion. 

Mr.  Thirsty  replied  that  if  "  the  rest  of  'em  "  could  "  stand  it,"  he 
could. 

A  running  discussion  now  ensued,  in  which,  every  member  of  the 
Club  took  part.  There  was  great  diversity  of  opinion  as  to  the  proper 
course  to  pursue,  the  Doubter  strenuously  protesting  against  the  grant- 
ing of  access  to  the  records.  He  became  so  heated  in  the  course  of  the 
argument  that  it  became  necessary  for  him  to  retire  to  the  bar  to  recuper- 
ate his  wasted  energies ;  and  Uncle  John  took  advantage  of  his  absence 
to  move  the  previous  question. 

The  question  was  put;  the  Aye-and-No  Member  hurriedly  voted 
"Aye,"  and  the  Chair  decided  that  the  previous  question  was  carried 
unanimously,  and  that  the  Club  had  resolved  as  with  one  voice  to  give 
access  to  its  archives  and  records,  that  material  might  be  selected  therefrom 
to  constitute  matter  for  publication  in  a  book,  to  be  known  as  "  THE  SAZ- 
ERAC  LYING  CLUB." 

The  Doubter,  who  returned  to  the  stove  just  in  time  to  hear  the  de- 
cision of  the  Chair,  immediately  tendered  his  resignation,  which  was  ac- 
cepted by  his  being  fired  out  by  unanimous  consent. 

Uncle  John  then  offered  a  resolution  that  reporters  should  not  be 
admitted  at  future  sessions  of  the  Club,  and  that  all  future  records  of  pro- 
ceedings be  chucked  into  the  stove  as  soon  as  recorded.  This  was  unani- 
mously adopted,  as  was  a  resolution  by  Old  Dad,  that  the  sessions  of  the 
Sazerac  Lying  Club  be  conducted  with  closed  doors,  NOW  AND  FOREVER 
AFTER. 


Ifart 


FRONTIER  SKETCHES, 


Marcus. 

The  subject  of  this  sketch  was  never  a  member  of  the  Sazerac  Lyins 
Club,  although  he  possesses,  in  a  marked  degree,  the  peculiar  qualifications 
for  eligibility  to  membership  in  that  organization ;  and  had  he  resided  in 
Austin  since  the  formation  of  the  Club,  would  have  been  one  of  its  most 
prominent  members,  and  proudest  ornaments.  His  full  and  true  name  is 
Marquis  de  Lafayette  Shoults,  but  since  his  residence  on  the  Pacific  Coast 
he  has  been  generally  known  as  Marcus  Schultz,  and  commonly  called 
"  Marcus."  He  is  a  native  of  Missouri,  and  emigrated  from  that  State  to 
California  some  twenty-five  years  ago,  coming  "  the  plains  across  "  in  an 
ox-wagon.  From  the  time  of  his  arrival  in  the  Golden  State  until  his  emi- 
gration thence  to  Nevada,  in  the  year  1862,  Marcus  was  generally  notorious 
throughout  the  mining  camps  of  California  as  a  queer  and  original  char- 
acter ;  and  to-day  he  is  known  as  such,  or  known  of,  in  every  mining  town 
in  Nevada,  Utah,  Idaho,  and  Montana,  but  more  particularly  in  far  Eastern 
and  Southeastern  Nevada,  in  which  sections  he  has  resided  for  ten  years 
past. 

Like  all  who  went  to  California  in  the  first  rush,  Marcus  went  there 
to  seek  his  fortune.  He  failed  to  find  it,  and  has  long  since  given  up  the 
search.  He  is  not  wealthy,  nor  is  he  ever  likely  to  be  so  ;  but  no  Roths- 
child or  no  Bonanza  King  is  happier  or  more  contented  than  he.  He  be- 
longs to  that  class  of  men  who  deem  that  the  world  owes  them  a  living, 
and  that  they  are  bound  to  have  it ;  and  if  Marcus  gets  his  regular  meals 
and  stimulants,  and  a  few  rough,  comfortable  clothes  to  wear,  without  be- 
ing compelled  to  work  for  them,  he  asks  nothing  more  of  the  world  or  its 
people.  It  is  related  in  a  sort  of  traditional  way  that  when  he  first  arrived 
in  California  he  sought  his  fortune  through  the  avenue  of  manual  labor ; 
but  that  was  so  long  ago,  that,  even  if  the  story  is  true,  there  is  now  no 
means  of  verifying  it,  and  it  would  be  hard  to  convince  the  majority  of 


108  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

those  who  know  him  that  it  has  any  foundation  in  fact.  But  that  for 
twenty-five  years  on  the  Pacific  Coast  he  has  lived  and  flourished  without 
work,  is  sufficient  evidence  that  he  possesses  talents  of  a  peculiar  order. 
The  reader  is  not  expected  to  understand  that  Marcus  is  a  deliberate 
fraud ;  for  he  is  not  such.  By  his  odd  ways  and  original  sayings  he  has  a 
faculty  of  making  everybody  his  friend,  and  in  whatever  town  he  may  be 
living,  there  are  few  who  have  any  means  to  spare  but  who  see  to  it  that 
he  does  not  lack  for  the  necessaries  of  existence ;  and  the  free  and  open 
hospitality  so  common  in  the  mines  prevents  him  from  suffering  for  that 
liquid  comfort  which  is  now  the  chief  consolation  of  his  life. 

When  he  left  Missouri  to  go  to  California,  the  portion  of  the  former 
State  in  which  he  was  "borned  and  raised"  was  little  better  than  a  wilder- 
ness; so  it  can  readily  be  conceived  that  his  ideas  were  somewhat  crude, 
and  that  he  did  not  possess  the  education,  refinement,  and  culture  now  so 
characteristic  of  the  natives  of  the  State  of  Missouri.  To  quote  his  own 
words,  he  had  only  a  "  common  classical  education"  But  contact  with 
the  world,  aided  by  a  naturally  sharp  wit,  and  a  faculty  for  observation, 
made  him  as  good  a  judge  of  character  and  reader  of  human  nature  as 
though  he  had  deliberately  devoted  his  whole  life  to  the  study  of  those 
subjects.  He  has  failed  in  these  particulars  somewhat  of  late  years,  owing 
to  the  too  frequent  putting  of  "an  enemy  into  his  mouth" ;  but  there  have 
been  times  when,  by  some  sarcastic,  but  at  the  same  time  ludicrously  witty 
remark  or  repartee,  he  has  made  men  in  high  social  or  political  position 
squirm  as  if  they  had  been  bitten  by  a  tarantula.  He  used  to  be  quick  to 
detect  hypocrisy  or  toadyism,  which  qualities  he  hated  with  his  whole 
heart ;  and  many  a  hand-shaking,  smiling  candidate  has  he  made  to  feel  as 
if  he  wished  he  had  never  been  born.  Not  by  abuse,  or  blackguardism, 
but  simply  by  some  comical  allusion  which  would  instantly  bring  its  object 
into  ridicule.  He  used  to  say : 

"These  here  office-seeking  cusses  can  stand  all  the  blackguardin' 
you've  a  mind  to  give  'em ;  you  can  abuse  'em  all  you  want  to,  and  they 
won't  kick ;  call  'em  the  meanest  names  on  earth,  and  they'll  ask  you  to 
drink ;  insult  'em,  and  they  won't  even  talk  back :  but  laugh  at  'em,  or 
make  other  people  laugh  at  'em,  and  they'll  weaken  like  a  dog  on  a  desert 
and  forty  miles  to  water.  They  can't  stand  ridicule  no  mor'n  a  man  can 
live  on  the  smell  of  a  dish-rag  for  nineteen  days." 

In  his  palmy  days  Marcus  was  a  man  full  of  resources,  and  possessed 
a  great  deal  of  a  certain  energy.  He  has  roamed  over  the  deserts  and 
mountains  on  foot  and  on  horseback  from  Arizona  to  Montana,  always  in 
search  of  the  "  better  camp,"  and  his  efforts  for  a  "  stake "  have  to  a 
limited  extent  at  times  been  crowned  with  success.  His  means  for  the 
acquirement  of  money  was  principally  through  cards,  or  gambling  of  some 
sort,  in  the  tricks  of  which  he  was  an  adept,  in  the  earlier  portion  of  his 
career.  He  never  deemed  it  wrong  to  cheat  at  cards,  and  when  caught 
in  the  act  would  own  up  like  a  man,  and  tell  the  cheated  one : 


FRONTIER    SKETCHES.  109 

"  This  here's  a  world  wliar  every  man  in  it  is  tryin'  to  git  the  best  of 
miebody  else.  Some  does  it  by  smooth  talkin'  and  lyin',  others  by 
merchandising  and  others  by  keards.  I'm  one  of  them  last,  and  if  you 
can't  purtect  yourself  and  keep  off  advantages,  you  aint  got  no  business 
to  try  conclusions  with  a  man  that's  made  the  subjeck  a  study.  We  all 
has  to  pay  for  our  experience,  and  these  here  few  dollars  what  I've  beat 
you  out  of  is  only  the  price  of  one  lesson." 

In  his  earlier  and  purer  days,  Marcus  was  something  of  a  dandy,  and 
when  he  made  a  raise  would  get  himself  up  regardless  of  expense.  On 
one  occasion,  in  Austin,  when  he  had  accumulated  quite  a  sum  in  the 
business  of  banking,  (he  was  banker  of  a  rondeau  game — a  game  played 
on  a  billiard  table  with  a  number  of  small  ivory  balls,  the  banker  getting 
a  certain  percentage  for  keeping  the  game)  he  went  to  a  tailor  and  or- 
dered an  expensive  and  elaborate  suit  of  clothes,  made  strictly  in  accord- 
ance with  his  own  peculiar  ideas  of  style.  In  his  views  of  dress,  Marcus 
somewhat  resembled  the  Chinaman,  who,  in  buying  Melican  boots,  buys 
the  largest  size  in  the  store,  so  as  to  get  as  much  leather  as  possible  for 
his  money.  There  was  a  time  in  the  mountains  of  California  when  the 
"  shanghai "  coat  was  the  prevailing  mode  for  "  dressed  up,"  and  Marcus 
always  clung  to  this  style.  On  the  occasion  in  question  his  coat  was  of 
fine  broadcloth,  reaching  nearly  to  his  heels,  silk-velvet  vest  of  a  gorgeous 
pattern,  pants  of  a  large  plaid,  stuck  into  a  pair  of  high-heeled,  stub-toed 
boots,  the  bottoms  of  the  heels  being  tapered  down  to  the  size  of  a  silver 
half-dollar  piece,  one  of  these  coins  being  fastened  by  a  screw  to  the  bottom 
of  each.  A  white  shirt  with  a  big  "  specimen "  gold  pin,  and  a  broad- 
brimmed  slouch  hat,  completed  his  outfit.  When  thus  arrayed  he  pre- 
sented a  somewhat  imposing  appearance.  He  was  large  of  stature,  and 
of  full  figure,  with  something  of  an  aldermanic  development  of  body, 
which,  added  to  an  assumed  important  strut  in  his  daily  walk,  and  a  dicta- 
torial speech,  was  calculated  to  impress  a  stranger  with  the  idea  that  he 
was  one  of  the  magnates  of  the  town — a  mining  superintendent  at  the 
very  least. 

The  writer  of  this  well  remembers  the  day  on  which  Marcus  first 
appeared  in  the  gorgeous  array  above  described.  It  was  a  Sunday  morn- 
ing, and  Mr.  Shoults  walked  into  a  barber  shop,  which  was  crowded  with 
men  waiting  their  turn  for  their  Sunday  shave.  He  stepped  directly  to  a 
long  mirror  which  was  fastened  to  the  wall,  and  which  reflected  his  full 
length,  and  surveyed  himself  therein.  Then,  as  if  talking  to  himself  in 
the  glass,  he  said  : 

"Marcus,  you're  the  best  dressed  man  as  ever  stepped  across  the 
bound'ry  lines  of  the  State  of  Missoury."  Then,  turning  and  addressing 
the  crowd  in  the  shop,  he  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  if  I  was  to  go  back  to  Rails  County,  Missoury — whar  I 
come  from  to  this  country — the  people  for  two  hundred  miles  round  would 
flock  to  our  house  to  see  the  best  dressed  man  in  the  State.  Back  thar 


110  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

they  never  seed  a  man  dressed  up  as  fine  as  I  am,  cause  most  of  the  people 
thar  wear  tow-linen  shirts  till  they  grow  up,  and  then  if  they  git  one  suit 
of  linsey-woolsey  homespun  in  a  year,  they  think  they're  fixed  for  life. 
And  look  at  me,  in  broadcloth  and  fine  linen,  and  money  in  my  clothes  to 
throw  at  the  birds !  Why,  I  s'pose,  fixed  up  as  I  am  now,  I  could  go  back 
to  Missoury  and  marry  the  best  and  richest  gal  in  the  State  by  jest  crookin' 
of  my  finger  at  her." 

But  the  days  of  Marcus'  splendor  have  gone  by ;  it  is  ten  years  since 
he  has  had  a  "  shanghai "  coat,  and  a  white  shirt,  and  a  specimen  pin ;  but 
he  is  as  happy  and  cheerful  in  a  pair  of  blue  overalls,  "  stogie  "  boots,  and. 
a  California  gray  flannel  overshirt,  as  he  used  to  be  in  his  purple  and  fine 
linen.  As  illustrating  his  liking  for  good  clothes,  the  following  anecdote 
is  related : 

It  was  when  Marcus  had  started  down  hill,  and  had  got  pretty  well 
along  towards  the  foot.  Winter  was  coming  on,  and  he  had  no  overcoat, 
and  it  was  in  the  bleak  climate  of  White  Pine,  in  which  a  heavy  overcoat 
is  an  actual  necessity  for  at  least  eight  months  in  the  year. 

A  gentleman  hearing  Marcus  remark  that  it  would  not  be  long  till  the 
winds  whispered  an  inquiry  into  his  ear  as  to  what  he  had  been  doing  all 
summer,  and  where  was  his  overcoat,  volunteered  to  purchase  and  present 
him  with  that  necessary  garment.  Of  course  Marcus  did  not  refuse  the 
kind  offer,  and  the  two  started  across  the  street  to  a  store  to  select  the 
article.  On  the  way  over,  the  gentleman  asked  Marcus  what  kind  of  a  coat 
he  would  like. 

"  Somethin'  warm,  and  at  the  same  time  becomin'.  I  go  about  as 
much  on  style  as  I  do  on  comfort,"  was  the  reply. 

"Don't  you  think  a  blanket  coat  would  fill  the  bill?" 

The  blanket  coat  is  a  very  commonly  worn  article  of  attire  in  the 
mountains,  but  is  much  more  comfortable  than  elegant.  Marcus  wanted 
something  better  and  more  expensive,  and  replied  that  he  did  not  think  he 
should  like  a  blanket  coat,  and  would  prefer  one  of  broadcloth. 

"  But,"  said  his  friend,  "  a  blanket  coat  is  about  as  comfortable  a  gar- 
ment as  can  be  worn  in  this  climate." 

"Yes,  I  know  it's  comfortable,"  was  the  reply,  "but  the  truth  is,  I 
never  could  play  cards  out  of  the  sleeve  of  a  blanket  coat." 

He  got  the  broadcloth. 


The   Bank   Exchange. 

Marcus  has  been  a  business  man  in  his  time,  having  once  been  the 
proprietor  of  a  "  first-class  "  saloon.  It  was  in  a  little  placer-mining  camp 
in  Montana,  named  Indian  Creek,  but  more  commonly  called  "  Hog'em." 
The  camp  was  new,  and  there  was,  as  is  usual  in  such  cases,  a  considerable 


-FRONTIER    SKETCHES.  Ill 

floating  population — though  the  actual  resources  of  the  place  were  not 

adequate  to  the  support  of  one  hundred  persons,  all  told.     One  day  Marcus 

came  to  the  writer,  who  was  working  for  wages  in  the  diggings,  and  said : 

"  I  want  you  to  come  up  to  my  saloon  to-night,  and  paint  me  a  sign." 

"  My  saloon  "  was  a  new  revelation ;  and  as  for  painting  a  sign,  that 

seemed  entirely  out  of  the  question  in  a  place  where  there  was  not  a  brush 

or  a  drop  of  paint  to  be  procured.     But,  as  has  previously  been  stated, 

Marcus  was  a  man  of  resources,  and  assured  the  sign-painter  that  he  need 

feel  no  uneasiness  as  regarded  the  materials  for  the  proposed  work. 

When  evening  came,  no  difficulty  was  experienced  in  finding  the 
"  saloon,"  for  there  were  not*  to  exceed  a  dozen  houses  in  the  camp,  at 
best,  and  the  loud  tones  of  Marcus'  voice,  which  could  be  heard  from  one 
end  to  the  other  of  the  little  street,  soon  indicated  the  precise  locality  of 
his  establishment. 

The  "  saloon  "  was  in  a  little  log  cabin,  with  a  dirt  floor,  a  wide  door 
in  front,  and  no  windows.  The  furnishing  consisted  of  a  couple  of  rude 
benches,  a  rickety  table  covered  with  a  dirty  blanket,  two  barrels  on  which 
rested  a  board,  which  answered  the  purpose  of  a  bar,  a  pair  of  dilapidated 
gold  scales,  and  a  few  bottles  with  lighted  candles  stuck  in  their  mouths. 
The  stock  in  trade  consisted  of  a  couple  of  greasy  decks  of  cards  and  a 
gallon  of  cheap  whisky,  subdivided  into  four  bottles,  respectively  labeled, 
Whisky,  Gin,  Brandy,  Sherry — displayed  ostentatiously  on  the  "  bar,"  and 
fenced  in  with  a  row  of  dingy  glasses.  After  extending  to  the  sign-painter 
a  hospitable  invitation  to  "  take  something"  Marcus  went  to  the  rear  of 
the  saloon  and  produced  a  board  and  a  number  of  charred  sticks.  "  I  put 
in  half  a  day  makin'  of  these  paint-brushes,"  he  said,  "  and  I  want  you  to 
go  to  work  and  paint  me  a  sign  on  this  board,  to  stick  up  in  front  of  the 
saloon." 

There  used  to  be  in  San  Francisco  a  very  popular  drinking  saloon 
known  by  the  name  of  the  "  Bank  Exchange."  At  one  time  it  was  the 
principal  and  most  generally  patronized  saloon  in  that  city,  and  its  fame 
extended  into  the  most  remote  mining  camps.  The  name  was  as  popular 
as  was  the  establishment,  and  was  adopted  as  a  saloon  title  throughout 
California,  and  subsequently  in  the  other  mining  States  and  Territories — 
mainly  settled  and  developed  by  original  Calif ornians ;  and  to  such  an  ex- 
tent was  it  carried,  that  it  is  doubtful  if  there  is,  or  has  been,  a  town  or 
mining  camp  from  Arizona  to  Montana,  and  from  Oregon  to  Colorado, 
in  which  there  has  not  been  a  "Bank  Exchange  Saloon." 

What  more  natural,  then,  than  that  Marcus  should  choose  the  name 
"  Bank  Exchange  "  for  his  establishment  ? 

And  that  was  the  name  the  artist  painted  on  the  pine  plank  with  the 
charred  sticks.  And  when  the  sign  was  completed,  and  fastened  in  place 
across  the  front  and  over  the  door  of  the  log  cabin,  Marcus  pronounced 
it  a  work  of  true  artistic  merit,  and  defied  the  world  to  produce  its  su- 
perior in  the  way  of  a  saloon  sign. 


112  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

The  "saloon"  actually  flourished  for  a  few  days,  and  Marcus  was 
kept  busy  dealing  out  his  stock,  which  he  was  compelled  to  frequently  re- 
plenish by  means  of  water  and  fresh  purchases  of  whisky — a  gallon  at  a 
time.  He  felt  that  he  had  "  struck  it  "  at  last,  and  was  on  the  high  road 
to  fortune,  and  was  elated  accordingly.  But  a  reaction  came,  and  he  was 
plunged  into  the  lowest  depths  of  despair. 

It  was  soon  demonstrated  that  the  diggings  would  afford  work  and 
pay  to  but  a  small  number  of  menj  and  when  this  fact  became  unquestion- 
able, there  was  a  "  stampede "  for  some  other  new  camp,  and  the  Bank 
Exchange  was  left  without  customers,  or  so  nearly  so  that  there  was  no 
longer  any  money  in  the  business.  Marcu's,  erstwhile  so  busy  in  dealing 
out  poor  and  watered  whisky  at  two  bits  a  drink,  now  put  in  his  time  in 
bewailing  the  decadence  of  the  camp,  patronizing  his  own  bar,  and  berat- 
ing the  Territory  of  Montana  as  a  country  not  fit  for  a  white  man  and  a 
gentleman  to  live  in.  He  was  not  the  man  to  stay  by  a  dead  or  dying 
camp,  and  when  it  became  evident  that  Hog'em  was  gone  in,  Marcus 
determined  to  join  the  other  rats  that  were  leaving  the  sinking  ship, 
and  seek  fresh  fields  for  his  talents,  this  determination  necessarily  resulting 
in  the  closing  of  the  Bank  Exchange.  He  had  tried  to  sell  out,  but  nobody 
wanted  the  property ;  and  when  all  efforts  in  that  direction  had  failed,  he 
concluded  to  shut  up  shop  and  leave  the  place.  When  he  had  made  up  his 
mind  to  this  course,  he  went  behind  the  bar,  and  addressing  himself  to 
two  or  three  old  soakers  who  were  lounging  on  the  benches,  said : 

"  Step  up,  gentlemen,  and  finish  the  stock  in  this  here  establishment." 

The  invitation  was  accepted  with  alacrity. 

Marcus  set  a  glass  before  each  of  the  "  gentlemen  "  ranged  in  front 
of  the  bar,  and  with  his  hand  on  the  last  bottle  of  whisky  (labeled  sherry) 
in  the  saloon,  thus  held  forth :  "  Gentlemen,  I  come  here  to  Hog'em  to 
do  bizness  ;  I  brung  capital  here  ;  but  you  see  how  the  camp's  gone  down. 
In  the  last  ten  days  I've  sunk  twenty-one  hundred  dollars  in  this  bizness, 
and  this  here  bottle's  the  last  of  it.  Help  yourselves,  gentlemen  ! " 

The  "gentlemen"  helped  themselves,  and  Marcus  joined  them;  and 
when  the  bottle  was  emptied,  he  upset  the  bar-counter,  chucked  the  gold 
scales  into  a  corner,  and  said : 

"  Good-bye,  gentlemen,  and  good  luck  to  you  all.  I'm  off  for  a  better 
camp."  Then  he  went  out  of  the  door,  in  front  of  which  his  horse  stood 
saddled,  and  mounting  the  animal,  turned  once  more  to  the  "gentlemen," 
who  had  assembled  at  the  door  to  see  him  off,  and  casting  his  eyes  and 
pointing  his  finger  at  the  sign,  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  you  all  know  I've  lost  twenty-one  hundred  dollars  in 
this  bizness  in  the  last  ten  days,  and  I  want  to  tell  you  all,  right  here,  that 
I  think  the  Territory  of  Montany's  a  fraud.  Why,  gentlemen,  I'd  rather 
run  an  ice-cream  cart  in  the  State  of  Nevady  than  a  first-class  saloon  in 
the  Territory  of  Montany ;  and  I'm  now  on  the  back  track  for  the  sage- 
brush. Good-bye ! " 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  113 

So  saying,  he  put  spurs  to  his  horse  and  was  off. 

The  truth  of  the  matter  was,  that  Marcus  started  the  saloon  without 
any  capital  whatever,  getting  credit  for  such  stock  and  furniture  as  he 
purchased,  and  during  his  flush  time  he  had  taken  in  several  hundred 
dollars,  which  was  nearly  all  profit.  This  money  (in  gold  dust)  he  carried 
sewed  inside  of  his  shirt  when  he  left  Hog'em.  But  his  object  in  declaring 
and  reiterating  that  he  had  lost  $2,100  in  the  business  was  to  prevent  any 
of  the  impecunious  individuals  of  his  Hog'em  acquaintance  from  asking 
him  for  a  loan. 

How  They   Got   Grub. 

Several  years  ago,  before  the  building  of  the  Pacific  railroads,  and  the 
consequent  introduction  of  railroads  into  Utah  Territory,  Marcus  and  a 
companion,  who  shall  be  here  called  Mr.  Brown,  were  traveling  through 
the  Mormon  settlements  in  Northern  Utah,  en  route  to  Montana.  The 
two  men  were  on  horseback,  and  had  a  pack-horse  for  the  transportation 
of  their  provisions,  blankets,  and  camping  outfit.  They  had  traveled  many 
hundred  weary  miles  over  mountain  and  plain,  and  not  having  had  a  very 
large  supply  of  provisions  to  start  with,  were  on  short  rations  most  of  the 
way,  and  when  they  reached  nearly  the  northern  borders  of  Utah  their 
stock  was  completely  exhausted.  They  were  traveling  through  the  Mor- 
mon settlements,  where  provisions  were  easily  procurable  for  money  or  for 
barter ;  but  they  had  neither  one  nor  the  other  to  offer  in  exchange  for  the 
articles  they  needed.  Riding  along  the  road  one  day,  when  they  were 
down  to  their  last  allowance  of  bacon  and  flour  sufficient  for  a  meal,  Brown 
suggested  that  at  the  next  settlement  they  came  to  they  swap  the  pack- 
horse  for  the  needed  provisions,  pack  them  on  one  of  the  saddle-horses, 
and  "ride  and  tie"  with  the  other  saddle-horse  the  rest  of  the  journey. 
To  "ride  and  tie"  is  for  two  men  with  one  horse  between  them  to  take 
turn  about  at  riding  and  walking.  This  plan  Marcus  instantly  and  strenu- 
ously opposed.  He  said  he  was  not  "  stuck  after  walking,  anyhow,"  and 
urged  that  the  saddle-horse  could  not  carry  as  large  a  quantity  of  provi- 
sions as  the  pack-horse  ought  to  bring  in  the  exchange.  He  admitted  that 
it  was  positively  necessary  that  a  supply  of  provisions  must  be  obtained 
that  day ;  but  as  for  him,  he  would  rather  live  on  sage-brush  for  the  bal- 
ance of  the  journey  than  to  part  with  one  of  the  animals. 

The  two  men  rode  along  in  silence  for  some  time,  each  absorbed  in  his 
own  thoughts,  and  each  probably  trying  in  his  mind  to  devise  some  means 
to  procure  the  necessary  food,  when  the  houses  of  the  settlement  appeared 
to  view  in  the  distance.  Reining  up  his  horse,  Marcus  halted,  and,  point- 
ing to  the  collection  of  houses,  said : 

"Yonder  is  the  settlement.     I'll  ride  ahead  and  see  how  the  land  lays, 
and  you  lead  the  pack-horse,  and  come  along  slow." 
8 


114  THE  SAZEKAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  What  do  you  propose  to  do  ?  "  asked  Brown. 

"  Oh,  I'll  ride  in  thar,  and  make  myself  at  home  with  them  Mormons, 
and  talk  sweet  to  the  women  folks ;  and  if  we  don't  git  the  grub  we  want, 
they'll  give  us  a  squar  meal,  anyway.  You  be  sure  and  ride  along  slow, 
and  give  me  a  chance  to  git  my  work  in." 

Brown  assented  to  the  plan,  but  he  had  only  slim  hopes  that  Marcus 
would  succeed  in  wheedling  the  Mormon  women  out  of  the  required  pro- 
visions ;  for  he  knew  that  the  Mormon  settlers  were  very  suspicious  of 
Gentiles,  and  also  exceedingly  avaricious,  and  that  it  was  part  of  the  creed 
instilled  into  them  by  their  leaders  never  to  assist  a  Gentile,  and  never  to 
have  any  dealings  or  business  transactions  with  them,  unless  they  (the 
Mormons)  were  sure  of  getting  the  best  of  the  bargain.  Marcus  spurred 
his  horse  into  a  "lope,"  and  soon  reached  the  settlement;  and  alighting  at 
the  first  house  in  his  road,  dismounted,  and  knocked  at  the  door. 

The  door  was  opened  by  a  young,  pleasant-faced  Welsh  woman,  with 
a  baby  in  her  arms,  and  Marcus  asked  her  for  a  drink  of  water.  She 
hastened  into  the  house  to  procure  him  the  water,  leaving  him  standing  at 
the  door,  and  soon  returned  with  a  tin  cup  filled  with  water.  Marcus 
took  the  cup,  and  while  he  was  drinking,  the  baby  in  the  woman's  arms 
set  up  a  piteous  wail,  which  attracted  his  attention  to  it,  and  he  noticed 
.that  its  head  was  a  perfect  mass  of  sores. 

"  What's  the  matter  with  your  baby,  ma'am  ?  "  he  asked. 
"  I'm  sure  I  don't  know,  sir,"  she  replied.  "  These  sores  came  and 
covered  its  head  all  over,  and  the  poor  wean  haven't  had  no  rest  nor  com- 
fort since.  There  beant  no  doctors  among  we  people,  and  naught  I  can 
try  seems  to  do  it  any  good.  Does  thee  know  anything  I  could  do  for 
the  wean?" 

"  No,  I  aint  no  doctor,"  replied  Marcus,  "  but  back  here  a  piece, 
trav'lin'  with  me,  is  one  of  the  finest  and  smartest  doctors  on  the  Pacific 
Coast,  and  what  he  don't  know  about  doct'rin'  aint  wuth  talkin'  about. 
You  see,  ma'am,  he's  got  a  big  band  of  cattle  what  he's  takin'  up  to  Mon- 
tanny  to  sell  for  beef,  and  me  an'  him  is  ridin'  ahead  horseback,  and  the 
droviers  is  behind  with  the  cattle.  He's  a  very  rich  man  and  don't  prac- 
tice any  only  to  accommodate  his  friends ;  but  bein'  as  he's  a  little  con- 
sumptive himself,  me  and  him  is  travelin'  ahead  for  his  health.  He  can 
cure  your  baby,  but  you  mustn't  offer  him  no  money,  for  he's  that  high- 
toned  he'd  git  insulted  in  a  minute.  Thar  he  is ;  that's  him  comin'  now," 
and  Marcus  pointed  to  Mr.  Brown,  who  was  slowly  riding  up,  leading  the 
pack-horse. 

"  Will  you  ask  him  to  do  something  for  my  wean  ?  "  said  the  woman. 
"  Certainly,"  replied  Marcus,  "  but  don't  you  say  nothin'  to  him,  'cause 
then  he'll  know  you've  found  out  he's  a  doctor.     Leave  it  to  me,  ma'am, 
and  I'll  git  him  to  fix  your  baby  up  as  sound  as  a  new  dollar." 

Mr.  Brown  had  now  approached  within  call,  and  Marcus  said : 
"  Step  this  way,  Doctor  Brown." 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  115 

Mr.  Brown  was  puzzled  to  account  for  Marcus'  reason  for  applying 
the  title  "  Doctor  "  to  him,  but  felt  that  it  had  some  connection  with  the 
plan  to  procure  grub.  Therefore,  he  said  nothing  in  reply  to  the  call,  but 
determined  to  await  events.  He  rode  up  to  the  door,  and  as  he  dismounted, 
Marcus  said,  in  a  loud  tone  of  voice : 

"  Doctor,  step  in  here  and  look  at  this  lady's  baby,  and  see  if  you 
can't  do  something  for  it." 

Dr.  Brown's  appearance  was  not  calculated  to  impress  the  beholder 
with  the  belief  that  he  was  a  man  rolling  in  wealth.  Long  travel  through 
all  kinds  of  weather  had  played  sad  havoc  with  clothes  not  originally  of 
the  best,  and  sleeping  on  the  ground  and  other  hardships  had  not  given 
to  him  the  cleanly  aspect  which  even  a  Mormon  woman  might  expect 
the  "  finest  and  smartest  physician "  on  the  Pacific  Coast  to  present. 
But  well-dressed  men  were  not  common  in  the  Mormon  settlements  in 
those  days,  and  the  Doctor's  ragged  attire  and  unkempt  condition  did  not 
impress  the  woman  unfavorably,  or  cause  her  to  doubt  the  statements  oi 
Marcus  concerning  him. 

She  politely  invited  the  Doctor  into  the  house,  and  laid  her  infant 
across  her  lap,  with  its  head  toward  him,  that  he  might  the  more  readily 
inspect  it. 

The  only  thing  Dr.  Brown  could  think  of  for  the  moment  as  the 
proper  and  professional  thing  to  do  under  the  circumstances,  was  to  grasp 
the  child's  wrist,  look  wise,  and  feel  its  pulse.  Then  he  looked  at  its  head. 
And  such  a  head !  It  was  one  mass  of  scabs,  and  its  appearance  was  ab- 
solutely revolting,  and  the  Doctor  was  forced  to  turn  his  eyes  away  from 
it,  in  fear  that  it  would  sicken  him.  In  thus  turning  away  his  eyes,  they 
encountered  a  table  on  which  stood  a  number  of  tin  pans  filled  with  new 
milk  ;  and  he  was  struck  with  a  happy  idea.  It  seemed  eminently  proper 
that  such  a  disgusting  spectacle  as  that  child's  head  ought  to  be  covered 
from  sight,  and  he  at  once  conceived  a  plan  for  so  concealing  its  hideous- 
ness  from  view. 

"Madam,"  said  he,  turning  to  the  woman,  "have  you  any  fresh 
milk  in  the  house  ?  " 

"  A  plenty — a  plenty  of  it." 

"Have  you  likewise  some  wheat  flour?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  sir ;  a  plenty." 

"  Bring  me  some  fresh  milk  and  some  wheat  flour,  then." 

The  woman  hastened  to  comply  with  these  orders,  and  in  a  few  mo- 
ments set  before  the  Doctor  one  of  the  pans  of  milk  and  a  wooden  platter 
filled  with  flour. 

Dr.  Brown,  with  the  flour  and  milk,  mixed  up  a  compound  of  the  con- 
sistency of  thick  paste,  and  whittling  a  paddle  out  of  a  piece  of  wood, 
plastered  the  child's  head  over  with  the  mess,  and  entirely  concealed  the 
sores  from  view.  The  stuff,  which  must  have  had  something  of  a  cooling 


116  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

effect,  seemed  to  relieve  the  infant's  pain,  and  it  quit  the  crying  it  had 
up  to  that  time  kept  up  ever  since  the  Doctor's  entrance. 

"  Thar,  I  told  you ! "  exclaimed  Marcus,  addressing  himself  to  the 
woman.  "  I  knowed  he  could  cure  your  young-un  in  a  minnit  and  a  half 
by  the  watch." 

The  woman  evidently  believed  that  the  Doctor  had  applied  a  sover- 
eign remedy  to  her  child's  cranium,  and  began  to  utter  expressions  of 
gratitude,  and  wound  up  by  inviting  Marcus  and  the  Doctor  to  stay  to 
dinner.  This  invitation  was  unhesitatingly  accepted  by  the  two  travelers, 
as  was  the  permission  to  put  their  animals  in  the  corral,  and  give  them 
some  hay  and  a  feed  of  grain. 

While  the  woman  was  preparing  the  meal,  Marcus  and  Dr.  Brown 
went  out,  the  former  to  attend  to  the  horses,  and  the  latter  to  prepare  some 
"  powders."  Among  the  cherished  possessions  of  this  worthy  pair  were  a 
few  lumps  of  white  crushed  sugar,  contained  in  a  cylindrical  tin  box,  such 
as  butter  is  packed  in  for  the  use  of  prospectors.  It  was  the  last  sugar 
they  were  destined  to  see  until  Gentile  settlements  were  reached ;  as  the 
Mormons  knew  not  sugar  in  those  days,  sorghum  syrup — which  was  plen- 
tifully produced  in  Utah — answering  their  purposes  for  "  sweetening." 
This  sugar  the  Doctor  proposed  converting  into  "  powders,"  but  Marcus 
entered  a  feeble  protest  against  its  being  so  wasted ;  but  the  Doctor  suc- 
ceeded in  convincing  him  that  it  was  absolutely  necessary  that  the  child 
should  have  medicine. 

While  Marcus  was  looking  to  the  comfort  of  the  stock,  Dr.  Brown  sat 
on  the  ground  in  the  corral,  and,  with  the  tin  box  for  a  mortar,  and  the 
handle  of  a  knife  for  a  pestle,  was  crushing  the  sugar  into  powder.  He 
felt  some  misgivings  as  to  the  course  they  were  taking  with  the  woman 
and  her  baby,  and  suggested  to  Marcus  that  it  would  hardly  be  the  fair 
thing  to  accept  anything  more  than  the  meal  and  the  horses'  feed  for  serv- 
ices of  such  little  value. 

"  Thunder ! "  exclaimed  Marcus,  "  they've  got  grub  to  throw  at  the 
birds." 

Then  he  explained  that  he  had  learned  from  the  woman,  while  await- 
ing the  Doctor's  arrival,  that  she  was  wife  number  five  of  a  Welshman  who 
owned  six  little  ranches  at  different  points  along  the  stream  which  ran 
through  the  valley  in  which  this  settlement  lay ;  that  he  had  a  wife  at  each 
ranch,  and  visited  each  one  at  stated  intervals.  This  husband,  he  had 
learned,  was  wealthy  in  live-stock  and  produce,  and  he  urged  that  from 
such  a  man  it  was  not  wrong  to  accept  enough  food  to  enable  them  to  con- 
tinue the  journey.  He  then  requested  that  all  matters  pertaining  to  the 
procurement  of  provisions  be  left  to  him,  and,  this  being  agreed  to,  he 
ao-ain  entered  the  house. 

O 

When  Dr.  Brown  had  completed  the  pulverization  of  the  sugar,  he 
took  from  his  pocket  a  note-book,  from  which  he  tore  a  number  of  leaves. 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  117 

Dividing  these  into  pieces  of  .1  suitable  size,  he  placed  a  portion  of  the 
sugar  in  each,  and  folded  it  up  as  he  had  seen  apothecaries  put  up  "  pow- 
ders." When  his  task  was  completed  there  were  upwards  of  one  hundred 
of  the  powders,  and  he  gathered  them  up  and  returned  to  the  house. 

As  he  approached  the  door  he  heard  the  child  screaming  at  the  top 
of  its  lungs,  and  on  entering,  observed  that  the  poor  little  thing's  head  had 
turned  completely  black.  A  closer  inspection  soon  revealed  the  cause 
of  this  sudden  change  in  color,  from  white  to  black. 

The  flies  were  very  numerous,  and,  attracted  by  the  sweet  mixture  on 
the  child's  head,  a  myriad  of  them  had  settled  on  it.  When  once  a  fly 
lit  on  the  mass,  there  it  stuck ;  and  the  result  was,  the  little  one's  skull  was 
covered  with  flies. 

The  Doctor  directed  the  mother  to  procure  some  warm  water  and  a 
soft  cloth,  and  wash  the  mixture  from  the  child's  head.  This  done,  he  ap- 
plied a  fresh  coat  of  the  paste,  and  directed  the  woman  to  cover  it  with  a 
soft  wet  cloth.  This  being  complied  with,  the  infant  soon  became  quiet, 
and  the  flies  were  unable  to  settle  on  its  poor,  disgusting,  sore  little  head, 
and  in  a  short  time  it  was  calmly  sleeping  in  a  cot  in  a  corner  of  the  room. 

The  woman  was  delighted  with  the  success  of  Dr.  Brown's  treatment, 
and  grew  profuse  in  expressions  of  gratitude;  and  when  the  Doctor 
handed  her  the  bundle  of  powders  and  told  her  to  administer  one  every 
two  hours,  she  so  far  forgot  the  caution  Marcus  had  given  her  as  to  say 
that  if  there  was  anything  on  the  place  he  would  accept  in  payment,  she 
would  give  it  to  him. 

Dr.  Brown  thanked  her,  and  said  he  had  quit  practicing  medicine 
"  for  pay  "  many  years  before,  and  only  rendered  medical  services  now  as 
an  act  of  kindness.  Marcus,  however,  had  already  interviewed  the 
woman  on  the  grub  question,  and  spoke  up,  saying : 

"  Doctor,  I  don't  know  but  we're  a  little  short  of  some  things ;  and  as 
this  here  lady  won't  take  pay  for  nothin',  and  we've  got  to  have  'em,  any- 
way, or  else  wait  till  your  cattle  comes  up,  we  might  as  well  take  'em, 
and  done  with  it." 

Dr.  Brown  replied  that  as  the  commissary  department  was  entirely 
under  the  control  of  Marcus,  and  as  the  question  of  subsistence  stores  was 
too  trivial  for  his  (the  Doctor's)  consideration,  the  entire  matter  was  left 
to  his  (Marcus')  discretion. 

Nothing  more  was  said  on  the  subject  for  the  time  being,  and  soon 
the  hostess  announced  that  dinner  was  ready.  And  the  two  travelers  lost 
no  time  in  getting  to  the  table,  where  they  seated  themselves,  and  did 
ample  justice  to  the  first  square  meal  they  had  eaten  in  over  five  hundred 
miles  of  horseback  travel. 

When  the  meal  was  concluded,  the  travelers  expressed  an  intention 
of  soon  resuming  their  journey ;  and  then  Marcus  and  the  woman  con- 
versed on  the  provisions  question. 

"We  don't  need  much  of  anything,"  said  he.     "A  little  flour,  and 


U8  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

some  bacon,  and  perhaps  a  little  butter  and  a  few.taters,  and  some  cheese.'' 

The  grateful  woman  placed  her  cellar  at  the  disposal  of  Marcus,  and 
he  was  not  at  all  backward  in  making  his  selections,  so  he  soon  had  the 
pack-horse  loaded  with  flour,  bacon,  and  the  other  edibles  mentioned,  to 
the  full  extent  of  the  animal's  carrying  capacity.  In  .fact,  the  pack-horse 
fairly  staggered  under  its  load. 

The  packing  completed,  the  Doctor  gave  the  woman  directions  con- 
cerning the  treatment  of  the  infant's  head,  cautioning  her  not  to  let  the 
paste  harden,  but  by  constant  washing  with  warm  water,  and  renewals  of 
the  application,  keep  the  head  constantly  covered  with  moist  milk-and-flour 
paste.  The  woman  promised  strict  compliance  with  this  order,  and  the 
additional  one,  to  be  sure  and  give  a  powder  every  two  hours,  and  bade 
the  Doctor  and  his  traveling  companion  a  grateful  adieu,  and  the  two 
travelers  went  on  their  way  rejoicing. 

The  incidents  above  related  occurred  in  the  spring  of  the  year.  In 
the  fall  of  that  year  Marcus  again  passed  through  the  Mormon  settlement, 
where  this  had  occurred,  on  his  return  to  Nevada  from  Montana.  Dr. 
Brown  also  returned  to  Nevada,  but  by  another  route. 

When  the  two  met  in  White  Pine,  for  the  first  time  since  they  parted 
in  Montana,  Marcus  informed  the  Doctor  that  he  had  passed  througli  that 
settlement  and  stopped  and  had  a  talk  with  that  Welsh  woman.  He 
averred,  and  offered  to  take  his  oath  to  it,  that  when  the  child  whose  head 
had  been  treated  was  shown  to  him,  its  head  was  covered  with  a  profuse 
growth  of  hair  at  least  a  foot  in  length ;  that  the  woman  had  assured  him 
that  the  child  had  commenced  to  mend  from  the  moment  of  taking  the 
first  powder,  and  had  continued  to  improve,  until  at  the  end  of  a  few 
weeks  it  was  entirely  well ;  and  its  hair  commenced  to  grow,  and  had  con- 
tinued growing  at  the  rate  of  an  inch  per  day.  And  further,  that  she  had 
given  some  of  the  powders  to  the  mother  of  another  of  her  husband's 
wives,  who  by  their  use  had  been  entirely  cured  of  a  severe  case  of  inflam- 
matory rheumatism,  and  concluded  by  asking  kindly  concerning  the  health 
and  welfare  of  Dr.  Brown,  and  showering  blessings  on  his  head,  and 
wishing  her  "  man  "  could  only  see  him  to  thank  him  for  the  salvation  of 
their  child. 

Not  Worth  Killing. 

The  adventure  herewith  related  is  one  which  befell  the  author  of  this 
work  some  eleven  years  ago,  and  though  it  appears  in  this  book  of  lies,  it 
is  as  one  grain  of  wheat  in  a  bushel  of  chaff,  as  the  account  here  given 
is  strictly  true. 

I  was  on  my  way  on  foot  to  the  Salmon  Basin  diggings  (called  also 
Lemhi  mines)  in  Montana  Territory.  Many  miles  of  weary  and  footsore 
travel  over  mountains  and  deserts,  and  through  a  wild  and  almost  unin- 


FRONTIER    SKETCHES.  119 

habited  country,  had  brought  me  into  Eastern  Idaho,  and  at  the  time  of 
meeting  this  adventure  I  was  some  forty  or  fifty  miles  north  of  Snake 
River. 

[I  cannot  be  particular  as  to  the  exact  distances  after  so  great  a  lapse 
of  time.] 

My  equipment  consisted  of  the  clothes  on  my  back — which  were 
coarse,  ragged,  and  travel-stained — a  pair  of  blankets  which  I  carried  in  a 
roll  slung  over  my  shoulder  by  a  rope,  and  in  which  were  enclosed  a  few 
pounds  of  flour,  a  small  sack  containing  ground  coffee,  a  small  piece  of 
bacon,  a  box  of  yeast  powders,  a  little  salt  tied  in  a  rag,  a  tin  plate,  and 
some  matches.  The  rest  of  my  outfit  consisted  of  a  pocket  knife  and  a 
tin  cup,  the  latter  slung  to  a  leather  belt  around  my  waist.  Thus  equipped, 
I  was  on  my  way  to  seek  my  fortune  in  a  new  camp,  situated  over  1,200 
miles  from  the  point  from  which  I  had  started. 

The  Salmon  Basin  diggings  were  placer  gold  mines,  about  the  extent 
and  richness  of  which  marvelous  tales  had  been  told  and  circulated 
throughout  the  mining  camps  of  the  Pacific  Coast;  and  at  the  time  of 
which  I  am  writing  there  was  in  progress  a  movement  towards  them  pop. 
ularly  called  a  "  stampede  " — that  is,  people  were  rushing  in  there  from 
all  directions.  The  diggings,  however,  cut  no  figure  in  this  story  beyond 
answering  mere  introductory  purposes. 

One  evening  I  arrived  at  a  station  on  the  Salt  Lake  and  Montana  stage 
road,  along  which  my  route  had  lain  after  leaving  Salt  Lake.  At  this  sta- 
tion., which  was  called  the  Junction,  two  roads  met.  One  was  the  regular 
traveled  stage  road  from  Salt  Lake  City  to  Helena,  Montana,  and  the  other 
the  Holliday  road  to  the  same  point  via  Bannock  and  Virginia  City,  and 
which  merged  into  the  traveled  road  at  this  point.  The  Holliday  road 
north  from  the  Junqtion  had  been  abandoned,  and  the  only  travel  on  it  was 
occasionally  by  Mormon  trains  bound  with  produce  for  Bannock  and  other 
points  in  western  Montana. 

The  station  at  the  Junction  stood  out  in  an  open  plain,  and  consisted 
merely  of  a  barn  for  the  horses,  and  a  shanty  for  the  hostlers.  I  do  not 
distinctly  remember,  but  it  may  have  been  a  "  home  station,"  in  which  case 
there  was  also  a  larger  house  for  the  accommodation  of  the  drivers  whose 
"  routes  "  ended  here,  and  where  meals  were  furnished  to  the  stage  passen- 
gers. 

On  my  arrival,  I  laid  my  blankets  on  the  ground  a  short  distance  from 
the  station,  and,  unrolling  them,  took  therefrom  my  provender  and  cook- 
ing traps,  built  a  fire  with  some  brush,  and  proceeded  to  prepare  my  simple 
meal.  The  tin  plate  served  me  as  bake-oven  and  frying-pan,  and  the  tin 
cup  as  coffee-pot  and  drinking  vessel.  My  method  of  cooking  was  thus  : 
Filling  the  tin  cup  with  water,  I  set  it  on  the  ground ;  then  opening  the 
sack  in  which  my  flour  was  contained,  I  made  a  depression  in  the  flour 
with  my  fist.  Into  this  I  dropped  a  pinch  of  salt,  and  a  small  quantity  of 
yeast  powder.  Then,  kneeling  beside  the  sack,  I  poured  water  from  the 


120  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

cup  into  the  depression  in  the  flour  with  my  right  hand,  while  with  the  left 
scraping  flour  from  the  sides  and  stirring  the  mess  I  was  forming.  When 
the  proper  consistency  was  attained,  I  gathered  the  dough  and  kneaded  it 
in  my  hands.  Then,  greasing  the  plate  with  a  piece  of  bacon,  I  patted 
the  dough  down  on  it  in  a  rude  loaf,  and,  drawing  some  coals  from  the  fire 
with  a  stick,  I  set  the  plate  on  them,  and  thus  baked  the  loaf.  The  coffee 
was  prepared  by  setting  a  cup  of  water  on  some  coals,  and  when  the 
water  boiled,  dropping  the  proper  allowance  of  coffee  into  it,  and  after 
allowing  it  to  boil  a  few  seconds,  taking  the  cup  from  the  coals  and  setting 
it  on  some  ashes,  where  it  could  keep  warm  and  "  settle  "  at  the  same 
time.  When  the  bread  was  done,  it  was  taken  from  the  plate  and  laid  on 
the  ground,  and  the  plate  made  to  do  duty  in  frying  the  bacon. 

I  am  thus  minute  in  describing  my  cooking  operations  that  the 
reader  may  better  understand  what  follows. 

After  disposing  of  my  meal,  I  went  over  to  the  station  and  asked 
permission  of  an  hostler  to  spread  my  blankets  in  the  haystack  that  night. 
This  was  ungraciously  refused,  the  man  giving  the  excuse  that  I  might  set 
the  hay  on  fire.  That  I  should  have  done  so  was  out  of  the  question,  for 
I  had  already  built  my  camp-fire  at  quite  a  distance  from  the  station,  or 
stack,  which  he  could  not  help  seeing,  and  would  have  no  use  for  fire  in 
the  vicinity  of  the  hay.  However,  I  did  not  argue  the  matter  with  him, 
but  went  back  to  my  camp-fire,  spread  my  blankets  on  the  ground,  and 
turned  in. 

Next  morning,  while  I  was  preparing  my  breakfast,  the  man  of  whom 
I  had  asked  permission  to  sleep  in  the  hay,  and  another  whom  I  had  not 
before  seen,  came  to  my  fire,  and,  after  bidding  me  good  morning,  in  a 
pleasant  tone,  asked  me  which  road  I  intended  to  take. 

I  replied  that  my  intention  was  to  continue  on  the  stage  road. 

One  of  the  men  then  asked  me  where  I  was  bound  for. 

"  Salmon  Basin,"  I  replied. 

"  You  are  going  to  take  the  longest  road,  then,"  he  said. 

I  requested  an  explanation,  as  I  knew  nothing  of  the  Holliday  road, 
and  supposed  there  was  but  one  road,  and  that  the  stage  road. 

He  then,  assisted  by  occasional  suggestions  from  his  companion,  ex- 
plained to  me  that  by  traveling  the  Holliday  road  I  should  save  sixty 
miles  of  travel. 

I  knew  enough  of  the  geography  of  the  country  to  realize  that  he  was 
telling  the  truth — though  I  did  not  doubt  him— and  that  the  Holliday 
road  must  be  a  shorter  cut  to  my  destination. 

"  But,"  I  said,  "  are  there  any  stations  on  the  road,  or  is  there  any- 
body living  along  it  ?  " 

In  reply,  he  stated  that  the  road  was  abandoned,  but  that  there  were 
good  camping  places  at  easy  stages  of  travel,  besides  the  deserted  stations, 
in  which  I  could  take  shelter  for  the  night  when  reaching  one  of  them. 

"  How  are  the  Indians  on  that  road?  "  I  asked. 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  121 


He  answered  that  I  need  have  no  fear  of  Indians,  as  there  were  very 
few  of  them  in  that  vicinity,  and  those  were  peaceably  disposed. 

I  afterward  learned  that  these  men  at  the  station  knew  that  two  white 
men  had  been  killed  by  Indians  on  this  Holliday  road  but  a  few  days  be- 
fore. What  their  object  was  in  endeavoring  to  induce  me  to  take  that 
route,  I  have  never  been  able  to  conceive;  for  it  is  hard  to  believe  that  two 
civilized  beings  would  attempt  to  induce  a  fellow-creature,  alone  in  a  wild 
country,  to  take  the  chances  of  death  and  capture  at  the  hands  of  In- 
dians, except  through  pure,  heartless  wantonness. 

I  had  no  reason  to  suppose  that  the  men  were  actuated  by  any  sinister 
motive  in  advising  me  about  the  roads,  and  a  saving  of  sixty  miles  was 
a  great  object  for  a  man  in  my  situation.  So,  packing  my  blankets  and 
slinging  them  over  my  shoulder,  I  thanked  the  men  for  the  information 
they  had  imparted,  bid  them  good-day,  and  started  out  on  the  Holliday 
road. 

I  will  here  digress  to  state  that  the  Bannack  and  Snake  Indians,  por- 
tions of  which  tribes  inhabited  and  roamed  the  section  through  which  I 
was  traveling,  had  for  some  time  been  very  warlike,  and  it  was  only  the 
presence  of  soldiers  in  the  country  that  kept  them  at  all  within  bounds 
and  protected  travel  on  the  roads.  The  redskins  had  suffered  frequent 
severe  chastisements  at  the  hands  of  the  troops  under  the  command  of 
General  Connor,  and  were  so  far  subdued  that  they  would  not  attack 
armed  parties,  but  continued  to  murder  and  rob  in  isolated  cases,  where 
the  attacked  parties  were  incapable  of  adequate  resistance. 

On  the  evening  of  the  first  day  out  from  the  Junction  I  arrived  at  one 
of  the  deserted  stations  on  the  Holliday  road.  It  was  situated  in  a  beauti- 
ful, grassy  caiion,  through  which  ran  a  pretty  little  stream,  its  banks  fringed 
with  willows  and  quaking  aspens.  The  station  consisted  of  a  large  barn 
structure,  built  of  rough  planks,  and  at  one  side  of  it  was  a  long,  narrow 
house,  or  cabin,  with  a  shed  roof  sloping  from  the  roof  of  the  barn.  To 
sleep  under  cover  was  a  luxury  which  of  late  I  had  not  had  many  oppor- 
tunities of  enjoying,  and  I  entered  the  cabin — which  had  served  as  hos- 
tlers' quarters  when  the  stage  line  was  running — and  proceeded  to  arrange 
for  quarters  for  the  night.  At  one  end  of  this  cabin  there  was  an  excava- 
tion about  four  feet  in  depth,  which  had  probably  served  the  purpose  of  a 
cellar  when  the  cabin  had  been  occupied,  and  along  one  of  the  walls  was 
fastened  a  board,  which  had  been  used  for  a  shelf.  Unrolling  my  blankets 
on  the  floor  in  the  front  part  of  the  cabin,  near  the  door,  I  took  out  my 
provisions  and  laid  them  on  the  shelf,  and  then  went  outside  to  build  a  fire 
with  some  chips  from  a  large  pile  which  lay  near  the  door.  While  thus 
engaged,  I  noticed  a  movement  of  the  willows  on  the  bank  of  the  stream, 
and  presently  there  emerged  therefrom  two  Indians. 

They  were  Bannacks,  and  handsome  fellows  withal.  They  were  tricked 
out  in  garments  of  fringed  buckskin,  with  their  hair  decorated  with  feath- 
ers and  bits  of  brass,  and  each  carried  the  blanket  which  is  every  Indian's 


122       ,  THE  SAZERAQ  LYING    CLUB. 

inseparable  companion.  For  arras,  one  had  an  army  musket,  and  the  other 
a  bow  and  a  quiver  of  arrows,  and  each  wore  a  knife  slung  at  his  waist. 

Their  sudden  appearance  from  the  willows  nearly  took  my  breath 
away ;  but  before  they  reached  where  I  was  kneeling,  in  the  endeavor  to 
light  a  fire,  I  had  managed  to  partially  recover  my  composure.  But  I  was 
dreadfully  frightened ;  though  I  did  all  in  my  power  to  avoid  the  betrayal 
of  any  signs  of  fear  or  surprise,  and  when  they  reached  me  I  made  out  to 
utter  the  salutation  common  in  addressing  an  Indian : 

"  Hello,  Jim." 

"  Hello,  Jim,"  they  both  echoed  in  chorus. 

They  then  both  entered  the  house,  and  I  arose  and  followed  them  in. 
One  of  them  jumped  into  the  hole  at  the  rear  end  of  the  cabin,  and  the 
other  stood  on  the  edge,  and  for  a  few  moments  they  remained  thus,  grin- 
ning at  me  and  conversing  in  their  own  language. 

This  gave  me  a  few  moments  for  thought,  in  which  I  realized  that  I 
was  in  a  bad  scrape.  If  the  Indians  were  disposed  to  be  hostile,  they  had 
me  at  their  mercy ;  and  the  odds  were  that,  finding  me  alone  and  incapa- 
ble of  resistance,  they  would  not  be  disposed  to  extend  to  me  any  great 
amount  of  merciful  consideration.  With  the  exception  of  an  insignificant 
jack-knife,  I  was  unarmed.  At  one  stage  of  my  journey  I  had  possessed  a 
Colt's  five-shooter,  but  had  dropped  it  in  the  water  while  jumping  across 
an  irrigating  ditch  in  one  of  the  Mormon  settlements,  which  had  rusted 
it  so  that  the  cylinder  refused  to  revolve,  and  I  had  traded  it  to  a  Mor- 
mon for  some  flour  and  bacon.  And  as  I  stood  there  smiling  in  return  to 
the  grins  of  those  Indians,  the  only  thought  I  could  summon  was : 

"  Oh,  if  I  only  had  that  five-shooter  !  "  With  a  revolver  I  could  hold 
my  own  against  both  Indians,  and  if  I  could  only  exhibit  such  a  weapon, 
they,  with  their  crude  arms,  would  never  dare  to  attack  me  in  close  quar- 
ters, and  if  they  attempted  to  shoot  me  at  a  distance,  I  could  fortify  my- 
self in  the  house,  and  having  some  provisions  and  they  none,  could  hold 
out  longer  than  they  could  on  that  kind  of  a  siege. 

As  I  stood  in  the  cabin,  with  these  thoughts  passing  through  my  mind, 
the  Indian  in  the  cellar  vaulted  out  on  to  the  earth  floor,  and  deliberately 
walked  to  the  shelf  on  which  lay  my  provisions,  and  picked  up  a  remnant 
of  a  loaf  of  bread  left  over  from  my  morning's  baking  at  the  Junction, 
and  breaking  it  in  two,  gave  one  half  to  his  companion  and  walked  laugh- 
ing out  of  the  cabin.  The  other  Indian  then  lay  down  on  my  blankets, 
and  proceeded  to  eat  his  portion  of  the  bread. 

He  had  a  pair  of  green  blankets,  and  the  color  of  mine  was  red — a 
hue  particularly  dear  to  the  Indian  heart.  He  felt  of  the  texture  of  my 
blankets,  and  then  of  that  of  his  own,  and  looking  up  into  my  face,  said  : 

"  You  like  him  schwap  ?  "  (swap). 

The  only  thing  I  could  think  of  to  say  was :  "  How  much  schwap  ?  " — 
meaning  how  much  boot  he  was  willing  to  give  me,  as  mine  were  the  best 
blankets. 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  123 

"No  got  any  how  much,"  he  grunted  in  reply. 

Then  he  joined  Kis  companion  outside,  and  they  walked  to  the  wil- 
lows by  the  stream,  and  disappeared  in  their  thickness. 

I  hardly  dared  to  hope  the  savages  had  left  me.  I  knew  the  Indian 
character  pretty  well,  and  that  treachery  was  its  predominant  trait.  They 
had  no  assurance  that  I  was  unarmed ;  I  might  have  a  revolver  in  my 
shirt — in  which  manner  that  arm  is  frequently  carried  by  mountaineers 
and  prospectors — and  they  might  have  concluded  that  it  was  unsafe  to  at- 
tack me  then  and  there,  and  had  pretended  to  leave,  but  intended  to  come 
back  at  night,  and  either  kill  me  in  my  sleep  or  set  fire  to  the  station  and 
burn  me  alive. 

My  predicament,  however,  did  not  destroy  my  appetite.  I  had  footed 
a  matter  of  thirty  miles  that  day,  and,  despite  my  fears  and  danger,  was 
intensely  hungry.  It  would  be  bad  enough  to  be  killed  by  Indians,  away 
out  in  the  wilderness,  metaphorically  a  thousand  miles  from  anywhere  ;  but 
it  could  but  add  to  the  pang  of  death  to  die  on  an  empty  stomach ;  so  I 
set  about  preparing  my  evening  meal.  By  the  time  I  had  eaten  my  fru- 
gal fare  it  was  growing  dark,  and  as  the  Indians  were  not  in  sight,  there 
was  nothing  for  it  but  to  turn  into  my  blankets.  I  was  terribly  tired  and 
needed  rest ;  for,  if  the  Indians  did  not  molest  me,  I  must  travel  on  the 
morrow.  I  thought  I  was  too  frightened  to  sleep,  but  I  would  lie  down 
on  the  blankets  and  rest,  and  keep  a  sharp  lookout  for  the  Indians,  and  if 
attacked  would  at  least  die  with  my  eyes  open. 

The  air  had  grown  cool,  but  I  hesitated  about  closing  the  door  of  the 
cabin,  for  fear  I  could  not  keep  sight  of  the  Indians  should  they  approach ; 
but  while  debating  in  my  mind  what  was  best  to  do  in  this  respect,  my 
eyes  fell  on  a  piece  of  a  board  which  lay  on  the  cabin  floor,  and  the  sight 
at  once  inspired  me  with  an  idea.  Picking  up  the  piece  of  board,  I  closed 
the  door — which  opened  toward  the  interior  of  the  cabin — and  placed  it 
slanting  against  the  door,  so  that  one  end  rested  under  the  rusty  and 
catchless  latch  and  the  other  against  my  left  hip  as  I  would  lie  in  my 
blankets.  I  then  lay  down  and  adjusted  the  board ;  and  it  was  but  a  few 
moments  till  my  fears  were  overcome  by  my  fatigue,  and,  notwithstand- 
ing the  peril,  I  slept. 

I  must  have  been  slumbering  thus  a  couple  of  hours,  when  I  was 
awakened  by  the  end  of  the  board  pushing  against  my  hip.  Like  a  flash 
I  assumed  a  sitting  posture,  and,  trembling  and  perspiring  with  fear,  while 
the  beating  of  my  heart  was  as  audible  as  the  ticking  of  a  clock,  bent  my 
eyes  on  the  door. 

The  door  had  been  pushed  open  a  space  of  about  two  inches,  and 
gleaming  through  the  interstice  was  a  pair  of  glittering  Indian  eyes,  shin- 
ing like  twin  stars. 

I  felt  that  my  hour  had  come,  and  again  the  wish  for  my  unfortunate 
five-shooter  was  my  uppermost  thought. 

But  wishes  were  futile;  and  as  the  savage  gazed,  and  his  eyes  seemed 


124  THE  S A  ZEE  AC  LYING    CLUB. 

as  if  they  were  burning  into  mine,  my  hand  encountered  an  object  in  the 
pocket  of  the  overalls  I  wore. 

It  was  a  tobacco-box. 

A  tin  tobacco-box,  with  a  strong,  loud-snapping  spring  to  the  cover. 

By  mere  impulse  I  drew  this  box  from  the  pocket,  and  first  raising  the 
lid,  then  shut  it  down  with  all  the  power  of  my  strength.  The  spring  gave 
a  loud  snap  as  the  lid  closed.  In  the  dark,  and  under  the  circumstances, 
the  sound  was  like  that  made  by  the  cocking  of  a  pistol. 

Mr.  Indian  thought  so  too,  and  lost  no  time  in  getting  away  from 
the  door. 

My  hip  was  not  disturbed  again  during  the  night.  I  slept  fitfully, 
and  with  the  first  streak  of  dawn  through  the  cracks  of  the  cabin,  I  was 
up  and  outdoors,  hurriedly  preparing  my  breakfast,  and  anxious  to  resume 
my  journey  as  quickly  as  possible. 

While  thus  engaged,  the  willows  by  the  stream  moved,  and  out  there- 
from came  the  two  Indians.  They  approached  me  smiling,  and  running 
their  hands  through  their  long  hair,  as  if  making  their  morning  toilet,  and 
coming  to  the  fire  squatted  down  over  it  and  shivered,  and  said  : 

"  Heap  cold." 

I  replied  in  terms :  "Heap  cold." 

When  my  breakfast  was  cooked,  they  watched  me  eat  it ;  and  when  I 
was  through,  one  of  them  said  : 

"  Heap  hogadi ;  tower  heap  gib  'em  me." 

"Hogadi"  is  Indian-English  for  hungry,  and  "tower"  is  the  nearest 
they  can  come  to  saying  flour — under  which  head  they  include  food  of  any 
description. 

As  they  showed  such  a  disposition  to  be  polite,  I  emptied  the  rem- 
nants of  my  breakfast  into  their  hands,  and  gave  them  the  coffee-cup  with 
its  remaining  contents,  and  proceeded  to  do  up  my  blankets,  preparatory 
to  taking  up  my  line  of  march. 

It  did  not  take  the  Indians  long  to  consume  the  food  ;  and  this  done, 
one  of  them  climbed  up  on  the  roof  of  the  cabin,  and  thence  crawled  up 
the  roof  of  the  barn  to  the  comb,  spread  himself  on  his  breast,  and,  shading 
his  eyes  with  his  hands,  looked  intently  down  the  road  in  the  direction 
which  I  had  come  the  day  before.  Meanwhile,  the  other  went  out  into  the 
road  and  lay  down,  placing  his  hand  to  his  ear,  and  the  ear  to  the  ground. 

I  did  not  know  what  to  interpret  from  these  maneuvers ;  but  soon  the 
Indian  on  the  roof  came  down,  and  the  one  in  the  road  arose,  and  they 
both  came  toward  me. 

"  Heap  waggin,"  said  the  one  who  had  been  on  the  roof. 

I  caught  the  idea  in  a  moment.  There  was  a  train  of  Mormon  wagons 
on  the  road,  a  short  distance  behind,  and  the  Indians,  with  their  delicate 
sense  of  hearing  and  far-sighted  eyes,  had  become  aware  of  the  fact. 

"  Yosh,"  (yes)  I  replied.  "  Heap  waggin,  me  waggin  " — pointing  my 
finger  at  my  breast  to  indicate  that  I  belonged  to  the  train,  and  leaving 


LI 

: 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  125 

them  to  infer  that  I  was  traveling  ahead  to  spy  out  the  road,  which  was  at 
times  the  custom  by  a  man  on  horseback. 

My  pack  was  now  ready,  and  I  slung  it  over  my  shoulder  and  started 
ahead  through  the  caiion.  The  Indians  followed  behind  in  a  dog  trot,  but 
I  kept  close  to  them,  and  with  my  hand  inside  my  shirt,  as  if  holding  a 
weapon,  eyed  them  closely.  The  three  of  us  continued  on  in  this  way  for 
a  distance  of  about  three  miles,  till  the  mouth  of  the  canon,  where  it 
opened  into  a  wide  valley,  came  in  view ;  then  they  suddenly  turned  and 
trotted  off  on  the  back  track,  and  were  soon  lost  to  view  in  the  windings 
f  the  canon. 

And  that  was  the  last  I  saw  of  my  two  Bannack  braves. 

I  trudged  along  through  the  valley,  which  was  nothing  more  than  a 
desert,  with  prickly-pears  (cactus)  for  its  only  vegetation,  congratulating 
myself  on  my  lucky  escape  of  the  night  before,  wishing  my  journey  was 
ended,  or  that  I  had  never  undertaken  it,  and  occasionally  building  up  a 
beautiful  air-castle,  such  as  many  a  fortune-seeker,  on  his  way  to  a  new 
mining  camp,  has  builded,  and  will  build,  so  long  as  there  are  mines  and 
men  to  seek  them,  when  I  observed  a  great  cloud  of  dust  in  the  valley. 
My  first  thought  was  that  the  dust  might  be  created  by  a  train  of  wagons ; 
then,  that  perhaps  it  was  soldiers,  as  I  know  that  troops  were  moving  about 
the  country.  But  I  was  soon  enlightened  as  to  the  cause.  A  short  time 
sufficed  to  bring  me  near  enough  to  the  object  to  see  that  the  dust  was 
occasioned  by  a  large  body  of  mounted  Indians  moving  across  the  plain. 

IJere  I  was,  afoot  and  alone,  one  insignificant  human  being,  in  a  great 
Valley,  with  upwards  of  two  thousand  Indians  moving  down  upon  me.  I 
suppose  I  ought  to  have  felt  very  important,  but  I  didn't.  I  felt  as  if  I 
wanted  to  run ;  but  that  would  have  been  folly.  The  Indians  could  see 
me  as  plainly  as  I  could  see  them,  and  plainer.  They  were  mounted,  and 
I  was  afoot ;  it  was  a  long  distance  to  the  hills,  and  on  their  fleet  ponies 
they  could  overtake  me  before  I  could  reach  the  hills,  and  even  if  there, 
they  could  kill  or  capture  me  without  resistance  on  my  part.  So  there 
was  nothing  for  it  but  to  keep  right  on  in  the  road  and  meet  them,  and 
take  the  chances  on  what  might  turn  up.  I  trudged  along,  each  moment 
bringing  me  nearer  to  the  savage  horde,  and  as  I  walked  I  counted  on  my 
capture  as  sure  when  I  should  reach  the  cavalcade.  I  knew  the  Indians 
tortured  all  prisoners,  without  exception,  and  I  pictured  myself  tied  to  a 
tree  as  a  target  for  the  young  Indian  idea  to  learn  how  to  shoot  close  to  a 
man's  heart  without  hitting  it,  or  lying  on  the  ground  and  serving  as  a 
cushion  for  the  old  squaws  to  sit  down  on,  or  sitting  in  a  lodge  on  a  buffalo 
skin,  acting  the  part  of  doll-baby  for  the  pappooses  to  stick  arrow-points  in 
to  hear  it  holler.  I  did  not  dream  of  any  Pocahontas  running  to  my  res- 
cue to  save  me  from  the  fury  of  the  cruel  chief,  her  father.  Pocahontii  don't 
exist  among  the  Indians  in  these  degenerate  days ;  and  the  prettiest  young 
squaw  takes  as  much  delight  in  the  torture  of  a  prisoner  as  does  the  most 
hardened  brave,  and  all  these  facts  I  knew.  But,  whatever  my  thoughts 


126  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

and  fears,  the  only  course  to  pursue  was  to  keep  right  on  and  face  the 
music.  The  gap  between  the  Indians  and  myself  gradually  closed,  and 
soon  I  stood  face  to  face  with  the  chief.  As  I  approached,  the  entire  body 
of  Indians  halted. 

As  it  stood  there  on  the  open  plain,  the  cavalcade  was  a  magnificent 
sight.  Upwards  of  two  thousand  Indians,  in  their  fringed  and  beaded 
buckskin  and  feathers,  and  with  painted  faces,  all  mounted,  with  the  ex- 
ception of  a  few  blear-eyed  old  hags  who  were  leading  the  ponies  of  favor- 
ite squaws.  Piled  on  the  backs  of  some  of  the  ponies  were  packed  the 
tanned  deer-hides  which  formed  the  lodge-coverings,  and  the  skins  which 
served  for  beds ;  and  slung  at  the  sides  of  the  animals,  with  one  end  trail- 
ing on  the  ground,  were  the  lodge-poles.  On  the  ponies  thus  laden,  sitting 
on  top  of  the  packs,  were  the  young  squaws  and  children,  and  on  other 
horses  rode  the  braves,  some  seated  in  saddles  and  others  bareback. 

As  the  body  of  Indians  halted,  I  advanced  toward  its  front ;  and  as  I 
approached,  I  was  greeted  with  the  salutation,  uttered  in  as  plain  English 
as  I  myself  could  speak : 

"  Good  morning,  Captain." 

Replying  in  kind,  and  feeling  reassured  by  the  peaceful  greeting,  I 
surveyed  the  man  who  had  addressed  me.  He  was  mounted  on  a  magnifi- 
cent, coal-black,  American  horse,  decorated  with  gorgeous  barbaric  trap- 
pings, and  what  with  the  height  of  his  horse,  my  own  embarrassment,  and 
his  stature — which  was  extraordinarily  tall — he  seemed  to  me  a  veritable 
giant,  as  I  stood  before  him  on  the  ground,  gazing  up  into  his  face.  The 
very  first  impression  I  formed  of  him  was  that  he  was  a  renegade  white 
man,  who  had  worked  his  way  into  authority  in  the  tribe,  and  no  Indian 
at  all.  He  had  handsome  Caucasian  features,  of  a  regular  mold,  and 
lacked  the  aquiline  nose  and  high  cheek-bones  characteristic  of  the  Indian 
race.  Besides,  the  tones  of  his  voice,  and  his  pronunciation  of  English 
words,  were  as  much  as  possible  unlike  Indian  utterance.  He  was  clad  in 
Indian  costume — buckskin  pants  and  hunting-shirt,  ornamented  with  beads, 
deep  fringes,  and  beaded  moccasins.  His  hair,  which  was  black,  fell  to 
his  shoulders;  but  his  complexion,  though  naturally  dark,  and  tanned  to  a 
still  deeper  hue,  was  not  the  tawny  red  color  of  the  Indian  skin.  I  thought 
then,  and  still  think,  that  I  had  never  looked  upon  a  more  magnificent 
specimen  of  physical  manhood  than  this  pretended  Indian ;  for  that  he 
was  a  real  Indian  I  can  never  believe.  By  his  side,  mounted  on  a  pony, 
sat  a  very  pretty,  girlish-looking  squaw,  and  resting  across  the  pack  which 
served  her  for  a  saddle,  was  a  wicker  frame,  such  as  the  Indian  women 
carry  their  children  in,  and  out  from  it  peeped  a  cunning  little  face,  with 
rosy  cheeks,  and  keen  black  eyes,  and  soft,  silky  hair,  very  much  unlike 
the  coarse  hair  of  the  full-blooded  Indian. 

When  I  had  answered  his  salutation  by  replying :  "  Good  morning, 
sir,"  he  asked  me  where  I  was  bound  for. 

"To  Salmon  Basin,"  I  replied. 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  127 

"  What  made  you  take  this  road  ?  "  he  asked. 

1  then  related  to  him  the  circumstances  which  had  transpired  at  the 
Junction,  whereby  I  was  induced  to  take  the  Holliday  road. 

Applying  to  the  men  who  had  persuaded  me  to  take  this  route  an 
epithet  reflecting  on  their  maternity,  he  said  : 

"  Are  you  aware  that  in  persuading  you  to  take  this  road  they  were 
sending  you  to  your  death?  " 

During  the  conversation  my  timidity  had  departed,  and  I  had  gained 
confidence  that  I  would  be  allowed  to  pass  on  without  molestation ;  but 
when  he  said  these  words  my  courage  failed  me,  and  I  could  distinguish 
a  tremor  in  my  voice  and  feel  a  quaking  of  my  limbs,  when  I  answered 
that  perhaps  they  did  not  know  the  Indians  were  bad  on  that  road. 

Noticing  my  agitation,  he  said :  "Don't  be  afraid — I  won't  harm  you, 
nor  will  I  let  my  people  touch  a  hair  of  your  head.  But  the  Indians  are 
not  bad  on  this  road,  because  they  have  no  interest  in  being  bad." 

He  then  explained  that  the  band  of  Bannacks  which  he  headed  was 
then  on  its  way  to  a  stream  known  as  Ross'  Fork — a  tributary  of  Snake 
River — where  they  were  to  meet  the  United  States  Indian  Agent  and  re- 
ceive from  him  annuities  in  the  shape  of  flour,  blankets,  arms,  ammunition, 
cooking  utensils,  soap,  beads,  tobacco,  boot-blacking,  patent  medicines, 
condensed  milk,  pickled  oysters,  canned  jellies,  and  the  various  other  nec- 
essaries and  luxuries  which  the  Great  Father  at  Washington  is  in  the 
habit  of  occasionally  bestowing  upon  his  red  children. 

"And,"  said  the  chief,  "it  aint  worth  our  while  to  kill  an  occasional 
traveler  and  thus  make  trouble  in  the  securing  of  our  annuities." 

I  then  recounted  to  him  my  adventure  of  the  night  before  in  the  cailon 
with  the  two  Indians.  He  smiled  while  listening  to  my  narration,  and 
when  I  had  concluded,  he  said : 

" Do  you  know  why  they  did  not  molest  you?  " 
I  answered  in  the  negative. 

"  Because,"  said  he,   "  YOU  WERE   NOT   WORTH   KILLING." 

Just  about  this  time,  I  did  not  have  a  very  exalted  opinion  of  myself, 

to  think  that  I  should  be  so  insignificant  that  a  couple  of  miserable  Indians 

did  not  think  me  worth  the  killing.     But  I  ventured  to  ask  him  why  they 

considered  me  so  valueless. 

"Because,"  said  he,  "it  is  evident  that  you  possessed  nothing  which 
could  tempt  their  cupidity.  You  had  only  your  pack,  and  they  had  seen 
the  contents  of  that,  and  there  were  too  many  chances  involved  for  them 
to  attempt  to  kill  you  for  the  sake  of  seeing  you  kick.  They  did  not 
know  but  you  might  be  armed;  they  knew  that  wagons  were  a  short  dis- 
tance behind,  and  presumed  that  you  belonged  to  the  trains ;  also,  that  it 
must  be  known  that  you  were  on  the  road,  and  that  if  they  should  kill  you 
and  you  be  missed,  the  fact  might  cause  an  investigation  to  be  made  by 
the  agent,  which  might  interfere  with  the  prompt  issuance  of  our  annui- 
ties— and  then  they  would  incur  my  displeasure.  But,  on  the  whole,  if 


128  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

you  had  been  worth  killing,  I  don't  think  they  could  have  resisted  the 
temptation  to  take  the  chances  on  attacking  you." 

After  this  explanation,  my  heart  throbbed  in  thankfulness  for  the 
good  luck  that  had  rendered  me  not  worth  killing. 

While  the  conversation  between  the  chief  and  myself  was  going  on, 
several  of  the  old  squaws  who  were  afoot  crowded  around  me  and  kept 
continually  tugging  at  my  pack  and  ejaculating  : 

"Tower— lead!" 

I  had  not  sufficient  flour  to  last  me  to  the  end  of  my  journey  ;  and  as 
for  lead,  all  I  possessed  in  that  line  was  three  or  four  bullets,  which  I  car- 
ried to  put  in  my  mouth  to  stay  thirst  while  crossing  stretches  of  country 
where  the  distances  were  great  between  water.  The  chief  saw  that  I  was 
annoyed  by  the  persistent  begging  of  the  women,  and  shot  out  at  them  a 
few  Indian  words,  which  caused  them  to  shrink  back  dismayed.  Then 
rising  in  his  stirrups,  he  placed  his  hand  at  the  side  of  his  mouth,  and 
turning  his  horse  so  that  he  faced  his  followers,  uttered  some  words  in  a 
voice  so  loud  and  distinct  that  he  must  have  been  heard  very  plainly  by 
every  one  of  them. 

As  he  finished  speaking,  the  band  of  Indians  opened  ranks,  leaving 
an  aisle  through  its  center,  from  one  end  to  the  other.  Then  again  ad- 
dressing me,  he  said : 

u  Pass  right  on  through  my  people ;  none  of  them  will  harm  you. 
Good  luck  to  you,  and  may  you  make  your  everlasting  fortune  in  the 
mines,  and  never  again  have  such  a  close  game  with  Indians  as  you  had 
last  night." 

Thanking  him  for  his  courtesy,  and  bidding  him  adieu,  I  started  on 
through  the  lane  made  by  the  movement  of  the  Indians  in  obedience  to 
his  order.  They  all  eyed  me  closely,  but  none  offered  to  molest  me ;  and 
as  I  passed  between  their  ranks,  I  thought  of  the  Children  of  Israel  as 
they  crossed  dry-shod  over  the  Red  Sea,  with  the  waters  bounding  them  on 
each  side,  and  considered  whether  after  all  there  might  not  be  more  or 
less  truth  in  that  phenomenal  yarn.  At  all  events,  I  breathed  freer  when 
the  last  Indian  was  passed  and  I  was  again  trudging  along  the  road  on  my 
way  to  the  new  diggings,  with  none  to  molest  or  make  me  afraid. 


The  First  Fourth  in  White  Pine. 

The  spring  of  the  year  1868  witnessed  the  inception  of  the  great 
mining  craze  known  as  the  "  White  Pine  Excitement."  At  the  time  of 
the  discovery  of  the  then  rich  mines  there,  Austin  was  the  nearest  town 
to  the  district,  and  it  was  from  that  place  that  White  Pine  was  first  settled. 
The  discoverers  of  the  mines  were  Austin  prospectors,  and  on  making 
their  find  brought  their  specimens  here  for  assay  and  testing.  I  was  liv- 
ing in  Austin  when  the  first  ore  from  the  Hidden  Treasure  and  the  famed 


FRONTIER    SKETCHES.  129 

Eberhardt  mines  was  brought  in.  It  was  not  necessary  that  a  person  should 
be  an  expert  to  determine  that  the  rock  was  rich.  A  man  who  had  never 
in  his  life  seen  a  silver  mine,  or  never  before  handled  a  piece  of  silver  ore, 
could  tell  at  a  glance  that  it  was  metal.  It  came  pretty  near  being  pure 
silver,  some  of  the  "horn-silver"  specimens  being  so  heavy  and  metallic 
that  they  could  be  converted  into  bullion  by  the  simple  process  of  melting 
in  a  crucible.  Ever  on  the  alert  for  a  new  camp,  I  had  no  sooner  seen 
these  specimens  than  I  determined  to  go  to  White  Pine.  And  to  White 
Pine  I  went.  It  is  situated  120  miles  from  Austin,  and  I  made  the  trip  on 
horseback  in  two  and  a  half  days ;  but  there  was  nothing  in  the  journey 
in  the  way  of  incident  that  could  interest  the  reader  of  these  pages  in  its 
relation. 

The  mines,  which  were  destined  afterward  to  make  such  a  stir  in  the 
world,  were  contained  in  a  high  mountain  called  Treasure  Hill,  whose  peak 
rises  to  an  elevation  of  9,000  feet  above  the  level  of  the  sea.  At  the  foot 
of  the  western  and  southern  slopes  of  this  mountain  lies  the  town  of 
Hamilton.  It  was  then  called  "  the  Caves,"  owing  to  numerous  caves  in 
the  dolomite  of  which  the  geological  formation  of  the  locality  consists — 
and  a  few  ambitious  miners  even  went  so  far  as  to  call  it  "  Cave  City."  The 
city  I  found,  on  my  arrival  at  the  Caves,  consisted  of  three  or  four  stone 
cabins,  a  tent  in  which  a  couple  of  gentlemen  from  Austin  had  started  an 
establishment  combining  store,  saloon,  restaurant,  lodging-house,  post-office, 
and  express  office,  a  few  tents  used  for  dwellings,  a  number  of  prospect- 
ors' open-air  camps,  and  about  seventy-five  inhabitants.  There  was  also 
a  city  on  the  mountain,  at  the  mines,  to  which  the  description  given  of 
Cave  City  is  likewise  applicable. 

At  the  time  of  my  arrival  there  was  considerable  rivalry  as  to  which 
of  the  two  camps  should  be  the  future  metropolis  of  White  Pine.  The 
mines  were  marvelously  rich,  and  the  prospects  were  that  they  were  exten- 
sive ;  and  it  was  evident  that  the  district  was  destined  to  receive  a  large 
population  ere  long — so,  of  course,  it  must  have  a  city.  The  hill  people 
based  their  claims  for  metropolitan  prominence  on  the  fact  that  they  were 
"squatted  right  down  on  the  top  of  the  mines."  The  Cave  fellows  knew 
the  city  would  be  at  the  foot  of  the  mountain,  because  there  was  not  a 
drop  of  water  on  the  hill?  and  no  likelihood  of  there  ever  being  any  found 
in  that  limestone  formation.  Besides,  it  was  a  straight  pull  of  three  miles 
up  the  mountain  to  get  there ;  and  again,  there  was  not  as  much  room  for 
a  large  city  on  top  of  the  mountain  as  there  was  at  its  foot,  where  the 
slope  gradually  spread  out,  and  ended  in  a  level  plateau.  Time  proved 
both  parties  to  be  right.  Cities  sprung  up  on  both  sites,  and,  though  their 
existence  was  short,  they  were  "  lively  camps  "  while  they  lasted.  "  The 
Caves  "  was  located  for  a  town-site,  and  named  Hamilton,  after  the  man 
who  made  the  location.  Treasure  City  kept  its  original  name  through  the 
varying  fortunes  of  White  Pine,  and  keeps  it  yet — but  it  is  only  a  name. 

The  opening  of  the  month  of  July,  1868,  found  the  rivalry  described 


130  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

above  existing  in  bitter  intensity,  and  so  strong  was  this  feeling  that  a  man 
who  owned  a  town-lot  in  one  survey  hardly  felt  like  speaking  to  the  pos- 
sessor of  a  similar  piece  of  real  estate  in  the  other.  The  Fourth  of  July 
was  approaching,  and  the  propriety  of  celebrating  that  day  in  a  manner 
befitting  the  patriotic  founders  of  two  great  cities  began  to  be  broached. 
The  inhabitants  of  each  town  held  a  public  meeting,  at  which  committees 
of  arrangements  and  officers  of  the  day  were  appointed,  and  resolutions 
adopted  that  each  town  would  hold  a  celebration  on  its  own  hook,  inde- 
pendent and  entirely  oblivious  of  even  the  existence  of  the  other.  Better 
counsels  prevailed,  however,  when  on  "  counting  noses  "  it  was  found  that 
there  was  not  a  sufficient  number  of  men  in  each  camp  for  two  celebra- 
tions, and  that  the  only  way  in  which  an  air  of  respectability  could  be 
secured  to  the  occasion  was  by  fusing  the  forces  and  holding  a  joint  cele- 
bration. A  compromise  was  effected,  by  the  terms  of  which  Treasure  City 
was  to  have  the  poet  of  the  day  and  the  chairman  to  preside  over  the  lit- 
erary exercises.  Hamilton  was  to  have  the  other  offices,  and  the  meeting 
and  the  "ball  in  the  evening"  were  to  be  held  in  that  town;  but  it  was 
stipulated  that  the  citizens  of  Hamilton  were  to  march  in  procession  up  to 
Treasure  City,  meet  the  citizens  of  that  metropolis  drawn  up  in  line  to 
await  their  coming,  and  escort  them  in  procession  back  to  Hamilton. 

At  the  meeting  held  in  Hamilton  to  perfect  arrangements  for  the  cel- 
ebration, it  was  my  fortune  to  be  appointed  a  member  of  the  Committee  on 
Flag,  Music,  and  Ball  in  the  Evening.  It  was  the  most  difficult  position 
with  which  an  admiring  constituency  have  ever  honored  me  during  the 
whole  course  of  my  checkered  career.  I  may  say  it  was  a  position  of  im- 
possibilities— but  some  fellow  has  said  nothing  is  impossible.  It  was  just 
because  there  was  nothing  in  the  way  of  material  from  which  to  fulfill  my 
duties  as  committeeman  that  made  the  position  such  an  impossible  one. 

As  to  the  flag,  there  was  not  such  an  article  to  be  had  nearer  than 
Austin,  and  that  was  120  miles  distant,  and  the  time  lacked  only  forty- 
eight  hours  to  the  morning  of  the  Glorious  Fourth. 

The  "ball  in  the  evening  "  was  an  easier  matter  than  the  flag,  though 
even  that  was  attended  with  many  difficulties.  There  was  a  man  called 
"  Pike,"  who  could  play  one  tune — the  "  Arkansaw  Traveler  " — on  the 
violin,  and  call  a  few  of  the  simpler  figures  of  an  easy  quadrille ;  but  there 
was  danger  that  he  would  succumb  to  the  "  spirits  "  of  the  glorious  occa- 
sion before  Night  cast  her  sable  mantle  over  the  earth,  and  he  be  thus  in- 
capable of  disseminating  melody  for  the  revelry.  This  danger  was  over- 
come by  appointing  a  sub-committee  to  follow  in  Pike's  wake  during  the 
day  we  celebrated,  and  to  prevent  him,  even  by  the  use  of  force  if  necessary, 
from  imbibing  more  than  three  drinks  of  whisky  an  hour.  The  combined 
female  population  of  the  two  camps  numbered  but  two,  and  they  both  be- 
longed in  Hamilton.  They  could  "stand  in"  on  the  round  dances,  and 
help  fill  out  one  quadrille  set,  and  such  other  sets  as  might  be  formed  on 
the  floor  could  be  "  stag  "  dances — that  is,  dances  in  which  only  men  take 


FRONTIER    SKETCHES.  131 

part.  So  the  committee  could  see  its  way  clear  on  the  music,  and  the 
"ball  in  the  evening''  questions  ;  but  the  flag  was  the  poser. 

Add  nothing  to  nothing  and  you've  got  nothing,  is  a  logical  conclu- 
sion from  the  axiom,  "  Take  nothing  from  nothing  and  nothing  remains." 
There  was  not  an  American  flag  in  the  district,  and  the  best  rider  in  the 
camps  could  not  ride  to  Austin  to  procure  one  and  return  in  time  for  the 
Fourth.  What  would  a  celebration  of  the  Fourth  of  July  amount  to 
without  an  American  flag  ?  was  the  question  that  agitated  the  minds  of 
the  pioneers  of  White  Pine,  and  nearly  drove  the  Committee  on  Flag, 
Music,  and  Ball  in  the  Evening  to  hard  drink.  But  an  attempt  must  be 
made.  The  committee  could  manufacture  a  flag,  if  they  could  only  pro- 
cure material  with  which  to  build  it;  and  the  said  committee  passed  a  res- 
olution, resolving  each  member  thereof  into  a  sub-committee  to  scour  the 
camp  for  flag  material.  The  stuff  for  the  stars  and  the  white  stripes  was 
easily  procurable,  because  there  was  a  quantity  of  drillings  at  the  store, 
which  was  used  for  "lining"  houses  and  making  tents.  We  might  even 
find  some  red  shirts,  which  we  could  cut  up  for  the  stripes  of  that  color ; 
but  how  and  where  to  obtain  the  blue  for  the  field  was  the  grand  puzzle. 

In  my  capacity  as  sub-committee  on  searching  for  flag  material,  I 
came  across  an  aristocrat  who  had  a  quilt  on  his  bed.  This  article  was 
lined  with  red  calico,  and  was  confiscated  forthwith,  thus  doing  away  with 
the  necessity  of  calling  for  donations  of  red  shirts.  The  evening  preced- 
ing the  Fourth  arrived,  and  a  thorough  search  of  both  camps  by  the  com- 
mittee had  failed  to  discover  and  procure  any  textile  fabric  of  a  blue  color ; 
and  the  committee  sat  in  solemn  council,  debating  the  propriety  of  mak- 
ing the  field  of  the  flag  out  of  a  gray  shirt,  and  taking  the  chances  that 
the  vivid  imagination  of  the  beholder  might  give  it  a  blue  hue,  as  the  em- 
blem of  our  liberties  floated  from  the  ninety-foot  pole  which,  the  Com- 
mittee on  Pole  had  already  erected  and  fitted  with  halliards.  While  this 
important  matter  was  under  discussion,  a  courier  arrived  at  the  council 
and  announced  that  a  family  of  Mormons  had  just  arrived  and  were  mak- 
ing camp  in  a  little  ravine  below  our  embryo  city — and  there  were  four 
girls  and  an  old  woman  in  the  outfit,  too.  This  was  glorious  news.  Four 
girls  and  an  old  woman  could  not  fail  to  have  among  their  aggregate  pos- 
sessions a  blue  dress,  or  some  other  garment  of  cerulean  hue  ;  besides,  the 
four  girls — to  say  nothing  of  the  old  woman — would  fit  in  splendidly  in  the 
"  dance  in  the  evening."  The  committee  immediately  passed  a  resolution 
that  I  was  the  best-looking  member,  and  instructing  me  to  forthwith  wait 
on  the  Mormon  family  and  interview  them  as  to  their  possession  of  "  some- 
thing blue,"  and  if  found,  to  not  only  make  a  note  on't,  but  to  purchase  it 
instanter,  without  regard  to  cost.  In  pursuance  of  these  instructions,  I 
wended  my  way  to  the  spot  where  the'  family  of  Saints  and  Saintesses 
were  camped,  which  was  but  a  short  distance  from  the  collection  of  huts 
and  tents  that  we  called  "  town."  It  was  dark  when  I  arrived  there,  but 
a  big  sage-brush  fire  was  burning,  which  rendered  surrounding  objects  dis- 


132  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

tinct.  The  father  of  the  outfit,  assisted  by  a  couple  of  lads,  was  engaged 
in  constructing  a  habitation  for  his  brood,  by  driving  poles  into  the  ground 
in  a  circle  and  enclosing  them  with  bits  of  carpet,  horse-blankets,  and 
pieces  of  cloth ;  poles  laid  across  the  top  of  the  upright  poles,  and  covered 
with  brush,  constituted  the  roof.  The  mother  and  girls  were  at  work 
around  the  camp-fire,  preparing  supper. 

Approaching  the  fire,  and  advancing  to  where  the  old  lady  was  kneel- 
ing in  front  of  it,  holding  over  it  a  long-handled  frying-pan,  in  which  were 
some  slices  of  bacon,  I  raised  my  hat  from  my  head,  made  my  best  bow, 
and  said  : 

"  Good  evening,  madam." 

The  old  lady  was  very  large,  fat,  and  ungainly.  She  was  so  busy  with 
her  cooking  that  she  had  not  noticed  my  presence  in  the  camp  till  I  ad- 
dressed her  as  above  stated.  Whether  it  was  my  handsome  features  or  my 
good  clothes  that  so  forcibly  impressed  her,  I  know  not,  but  when  I  spoke 
to  her  she  started  as  if  somebody  had  called  "  fire  !  "  in  her  ear  through  a 
fog-horn ;  and  in  attempting  to  get  up  from  her  knees  and  assume  a  position 
of  dignity  befitting  the  reception  of  so  evidently  distinguished  a  stranger  as 
myself,  she  lost  her  equilibrium,  and  keeled  over  on  her  back  at  full  length 
on  the  ground,  while  the  frying-pan  described  an  arc  of  a  circle  and  landed 
in  the  brush  about  twenty  feet  behind  her,  in  its  flight  shedding  a  shower 
of  slices  of  sizzling  bacon,  one  of  which  struck  the  oldest  girl  on  the  back 
of  her  neck,  and  slid  down  inside  her  dress.  The  girl  set  up  a  yell  that 
would  have  done  credit  to  Sitting  Bull  when  urging  his  warriors  on  to 
victory  with  the  war-whoop  of  his  tribe,  and  I  commenced  to  take  up  the 
line  of  a  masterly  retreat.  I  was  intercepted,  however,  by  the  paterfa- 
milias, who  confronted  me  with  an  uplifted  ax,  and  demanded  to  know 
what  I  had  been  doing  to  his  "  folks."  Tremblingly  I  explained  my  mission ; 
and  while  I  was  talking,  the  old  woman  and  the  girl  with  the  hot  bacon 
down  her  back  recovered  their  composure,  and  the  entire  family  gathered 
about  me,  wide-eyed  and  open-mouthed,  and  stared  at  me  as  if  I  was  the 
first  handsome  man  they  had  ever  seen.  When  I  had  concluded,  the  man 
said : 

"  Mother,  aint  you  got  some  blue  stuff  among  the  traps  you  can  let 
this  gentleman  have?" 

"  Le's  see,"  replied  "  Mother,"  "  that  thar  blue  gownd  of  Brigamette's 
we  traded  off  to  them  Injuns  would  have  been  jest  the  thing.  Heberine, 
what's  gone  of  that  blue  apron  of  yourn  ?  " 

Heberine,  who  was  one  of  the  daughters,  replied  she  had  "  tored  up" 
the  blue  apron  into  strips  to  tie  round  "  Orsie's  "  foot  when  he  was  "  snake- 
bit  that  time  back  yander." 

"  Say,  marm,"  spoke  up  the*  girl  who  had  undergone  the  "  moxa  " 
operation  with  the  bacon,  "  don't  ye  mind  we  brung  along  thet  thar  big 
blue  veil  of  yourn,  that  you  used  to  wear  going  to  Conference  to  Salt 
Lake,  so's  the  sun  wouldn't  spile  your  complection  ?  " 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  133 

"  Sure  enough  !    Sure  enough  ! "  exclaimed  "  Marm ;  "  "  whar  is  it?  " 

"  Down  in  the  bottom  of  the  big  hair -chest,"  answered  one  of  the 
smaller  girls,  in  a  piping  voice,  and  shrinking  away  as  if  she  had  said 
something  awfully  wicked,  and  I  was  an  ogre  who  was  going  to  eat  her 
for  it. 

The  entire  family  then  "adjourned"  to  a  hair-covered  trunk  that 
stood  on  the  ground  by  the  wagon  in  which  they  had  made  the  journey 
from  Utah  to  White  Pine,  and  after  the  unknotting  of  sundry  ropes  and 
the  cutting  of  various  strips  of  raw-hide  which  bound  it,  the  trunk  was 
opened,  its  contents  taken  out  and  laid  on  the  ground,  till  at  last,  by  the 
light  of  a  fagot,  held  by  one  of  the  boys,  my  expectant  eyes  beheld  that 
"big  blue  veil." 

A  bargain  for  the  purchase  of  the  "  blue  stuff  "  was  soon  concluded. 
The  old  lady  said  she  had  owned  the  veil  for  a  long  time  and  did  not  like 
to  part  with  it ;  she  had  "  brung  "  it  from  the  States  when  they  first  "  jined 
the  Mormons,"  and  it  was  to  her  a  souvenir  of  happy  days  gone  by  ;  but 
if  I  did  not  mind  paying  five  dollars  for  it  I  could  have  it  and  welcome ; 
and  that  ought  not  to  be  too  high  a  price  in  a  new  country,  where  the 
mines  were  so  rich  that  the  silver  was  sticking  right  up  out  of  the  top  of 
the  ground,  so  she  had  heard. 

I  paid  the  five  dollars,  took  the  veil,  and  hurried  back  to  town,  and 
hunted  up  the  members  of  the  committee;  and  that  night  was  put  in  by 
the  Committee  on  Flag,  Music,  and  Dance  in  the  Evening,  in  manufac- 
turing an  American  flag  for  the  celebration  of  the  first  Fourth  of  July  in 
White  Pine. 

While  the  committee  were  seated  on  the  floor  of  my  tent,  sewing  on 
the  flag  by  the  light  of  a  number  of  candles,  it  was  resolved  to  invite  the 
Mormon  family  to  be  present  at  the  literary  exercises  to  be  held  on  the 
morrow,  and  also  at  the  ball  in  the  evening;  and  that  the  committee  should 
wait  on  them  in  a  body  and  tender  the  invitation.  Accordingly,  early  the 
following  morning,  the  committee  visited  the  camp  and  extended  the  in- 
vitation in  due  form. 

In  response,  the  mother  said  :  "  I'd  jest  as  lief  the  gals  would  go,  but 
thar  aint  one  of  them  got  a  shoe  to  their  foot." 

This  was  a  very  embarrassing  situation.  The  boards  which  composed 
the  floor  of  the  ball-room  were  unplaned  and  full  of  splinters,  an  d  it  was 
impossible  that  the  girls  could  dance  on  it  in  their  bare  feet,  and  it  was  not 
a  supposable  case  that  women's  or  girls'  shoes  could  be  found  in  the  stock 
at  the  store.  However,  the  committee  said  they  would  "  look  ar  ound,"  and 
if  they  could  find  suitable  shoes,  would  buy  each  of  the  girls  a  pair,  and 
the  old  lady  said  they  could  go  up  town  and  look  for  the  shoes,  but  she 
wanted  it  understood  right  there  that  the  girls  were  to  dance  only  "  square  " 
dances ;  for  round  dances  were  against  their  faith,  and  they  had  not  "  apos- 
tatized" from  the  Mormons  just  yet,  if  they  had  come  amongst  the  Gen- 
tiles to  try  and  better  their  worldly  condition. 


134  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

The  promise  about  the  "  square  "  dances  was  given,  and  the  commit- 
tee  went  back  to  town  to  seek  the  shoes.  They  succeeded  in  finding  in 
the  store  a  sufficient  number  of  men's  cowhide  brogans  to  shoe  the  Mor- 
mon girls,  and  thus  was  another  difficulty  overcome. 

The  morning  of  the  Glorious  Fourth  broke  bright  and  beautiful.  The 
day  was  ushered  in  with  a  salute  fired  from  anvils,  and  the  flag  was  hoisted 
to  its  place  on  the  pole  midst  the  shouts  and  cheers  of  the  multitude — and 
as  it  floated  up  there,  ninety  feet  above  ground,  it  was  a  pretty  respecta- 
ble flag,  and  the  beholder  would  never  have  guessed  the  materials  of  which 
it  was  composed,  or  that  it  was  not  a  regular,  Simon-pure,  store  flag. 

At  the  appointed  hour  the  male  inhabitants  of  the  future  city  of 
Hamilton  formed  in  line  of  procession — two  and  two — and  marched  up  the 
trail  to  Treasure  City.  There  was  not  a  brass  band  at  the  head  of  the 
procession,  but  two  of  the  best  whistlers  in  camp  walked  in  front  and 
whistled  "  Yankee  Doodle "  till  the  steep  ascent  and  light  atmosphere 
took  away  their  breath.  Arrived  on  the  hill  they  were  met  by  the  citi- 
zens of  Treasure  City,  who,  after  the  formalities  of  reception  were  gone 
through  with  in  the  nearest  "  saloon,"  also  fell  in  line,  and  the  combined 
forces  of  the  two  towns  marched  in  procession  back  to  Hamilton. 

On  the  return  to  Hamilton  the  literary  exercises  were  inaugurated. 
They  consisted  of  an  oration  by  the  orator  of  the  day,  a  poem  by  the  poet 
of  the  day,  and  the  singing  of  patriotic  songs  by  the  congregation. 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  exercises,  a  White  Pine  Pioneer  Society  was 
formed,  and  a  resolution  adopted  that  the  flag  then  flying  from  the  pole 
outside  should  form  a  part  of  the  Society's  archives,  that  future  genera- 
tions might  know  the  difficulties,  hardships,  and  privations  with  which  the 
pioneers  of  White  Pine  District  and  the  founders  of  the  city  of  Hamil- 
ton had  been  beset  in  their  endeavors  to  properly  celebrate  the  anniversary 
of  the  nation's  independence. 

This  stage  of  this  narrative  is  probably  as  good  as  any  other  at  which 
to  record  the  fate  of  the  flag. 

As  times  began  to  get  lively  and  people  poured  into  Hamilton,  the  par- 
ties owning  the  store  where  the  archives  of  the  Pioneer  Society  were  de- 
posited, added  a  lodging-house  to  their  establishment.  This  department 
consisted  of  tiers  of  bunks  ranged  along  the  sides  of  a  room  in  the  rear  of 
the  store,  each  bunk  being  furnished  with  a  coarse,  straw-filled  tick,  two 
pairs  of  blankets,  and  a  rude  pillow.  These  bunks  were  rented  out  to 
weary  travelers  and  hopeful  pilgrims  to  the  new  mines  at  the  reasonable 
rental  of  two  dollars  per  night,  with  the  privilege  of  a  free  cocktail  at  the 
bar  on  arising  in  the  morning.  One  night  an  aristocratic  capitalist  from 
San  Francisco  put  up  at  the  lodging-house,  and  had  the  effrontery  to  de- 
mand a  pair  of  sheets  on  his  bed.  The  proprietor  of  the  establishment 
was  almost  struck  dumb  with  amaze  at  this  outrageous  request ;  but  then 
the  man  was  a  capitalist,  and  was  from  San  Francisco,  and  it  might  be 
against  the  Interest  of  the  mining  resources  of  the  district  for  him  to  bi> 


FRONTIER    SKETCHES.  135 

come  offended.  He  might  get  mad  and  go  back  to  San  Francisco  without 
having  purchased  a  mine.  The  landlord  had  no  sheets,  and  there  were, 
in  all  probability,  none  to  be  had  in  the  camp ;  but  he  was  equal  to  the 
emergency.  He  went  to  the  archives  of  the  Society  of  White  Pine  Pi- 
oneers, and  took  therefrom  its  only  archive — to  wit,  the  flag — and  tore  it 
in  half  and  spread  the  two  pieces  on  the  bed  to  be  occupied  by  the  high- 
toned  capitalist.  The  dismembered  flag  of  our  country  did  duty  as  bed 
sheets  for  many  months  afterward,  and  the  particular  bunk  in  which  they 
were  laid  was  kept  in  reserve  for  the  occupancy  of  San  Francisco  capital- 
ists, who  were  charged  half  a  dollar  extra  for  its  use,  because  it  had  sheets 
on  it.  The  last  that  I  saw  of  the  starry  emblem  which  had  thus  been  pros- 
tituted to  such  base  uses,  a  couple  of  Shoshone  squaws  were  wearing  each 
a  piece  of  it  over  their  shoulders  for  a  shawl. 

Before  entering  on  a  description  of  the  "ball  in  the  evening,"  it  is 
necessary,  in  order  to  aid  the  reader  to  the  better  understanding  of  some  of 
the  incidents  connected  therewith,  which  I  am  about  to  attempt  to  describe, 
that  descriptive  mention  be  made  of  the  "  hall  "  in  which  this  social  event 
was  held.  The  said  hall  was  an  incomplete  house,  one  of  those  mushroom 
board  houses  such  as  are  usually  constructed  in  new  camps.  It  was  in- 
tended to  be  used  as  a  store,  and  was  in  dimensions  about  40  x  20.  The 
floor  was  laid  on  posts  set  in  the  ground,  and  as  the  ground  sloped  off 
abruptly  from  the  front  to  the  rear  of  the  lot,  the  back  part  of  the  build- 
ing was  some  six  feet  above  the  ground,  while  at  the  front  it  was  but  a 
step  from  the  floor  to  the  ground.  Only  the  sides'  of  the  building  were  up, 
the  ends  and  roof  not  yet  being  completed,  so  that  it  merely  consisted  of 
a  floor  and  two  board-sides.  It  was  intended  that  the  building  should  be 
ceiled  and  lined  with  cloth,  and  the  material  for  this  purpose  had  all  been 
sewed  together  into  one  large  piece.  This  canopy  was  spread  over 
the  top  of  the  two  standing  sides,  making  a  roof,  and  the  end  surplus  was 
dropped  down  over  the  rear  opening,  making  a  rear  wall,  the  front  of  the 
building  being  left  open  on  account  of  lack  of  material.  Pike,  fiddle  in 
hand,  was  seated  on  a  little  three-legged  stool  in  the  rear  end  of  the  hall, 
next  to  the  unsubstantial  and  deceptive  wall.  His  guard  had  kept  him 
tolerably  sober,  and  he  fiddled  away  at  the  "Arkansaw  Traveler"  and 
called  the  figures  with  an  energy  worthy  of  the  day  that  was  being  cele- 
brated. There  was  a  large  attendance  at  the  ball,  the  Mormon  girls  and 
their  brogans  being  on  hand,  and  taking  part  in  all  the  square  dances.  The 
costumes  of  the  men  were  not  full-dress,  being  principally  gray  shirts,  over- 
alls, and  "  stogie  "  boots ;  but  everybody  seemed  to  enjoy  the  occasion, 
till  an  unforeseen  and  calamitous  incident  cast  a  pall  of  gloom  over  the 
festivities,  and  broke  up  the  affair.  The  watch  on  Pike  had  been  relaxed, 
and  during  the  intervals  between  the  dances  he  visited  the  tent  next  door. 
The  constant  worship  at  the  shrine  of  Bacchus  unsettled  the  musician's 
nerves  and  unsteadied  his  brain.  The  dancers  were  in  the  midst  of  a 
quadrille,  when  suddenly  the  music  grew  faint  in  sound,  and  the  "  calls  " 


136  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

ceased.  The  fiddler  had  suddenly  and  mysteriously  disappeared.  Won- 
der and  curiosity  were  depicted  on  every  face  in  the  ball-room,  but  the 
overturned  stool,  which  had  been  the  orchestra  stand,  and  notes  of  the 
"  Arkansaw  Traveler"  welling  up  faintly  from  the  rear  of  the  building,  told 
the  awful  tale.  Pike,  in  an  effort  to  put  some  artistic  variations,  had  leaned 
back  against  the  treacherous  cloth  wall,  lost  his  equilibrium,  and  dropped  out 
of  sight  through  the  wall  to  the  ground  below.  A  number  of  men  rushed 
out  to  the  rear  of  the  house  to  recover  the  orchestra,  but  when  they  got  to 
him  he  was  just  passing  into  a  peaceful  sleep,  his  right  hand  spasmodically 
working  the  fiddle-bow,  which  lay  across  his  left  shoulder,  and  the  expiring 
notes  of  the  "  Arkansaw  Traveler  "  dying  on  the  air.  All  efforts  to  arouse 
him  were  fruitless,  and  as  he  was  the  only  man  in  the  camp  who  could 
fiddle,  the  "  ball  in  the  evening  "  was  at  an  end. 

Shortly  after  the  Fourth  of  July,  1868,  the  big  rush  to  White  Pine  set 
in,  and  from  that  time  till  the  autumn  of  1869,  all  was  excitement  in  the 
new  district.  Town  lots,  which  could  have  been  bought  during  July,  1868, 
for  merely  nominal  sums,  were  valued  in  September  of  that  year  high  in  the 
thousands,  many  selling  as  high  as  $25,000  a  lot  25  x  100.  The  mines  were 
panning  out  big,  and  money  was  the  most  plentiful  article  to  be  seen  in 
the  two  cities.  Buildings  went  up  in  a  night,  streets  were  laid  out,  banks 
and  express  offices  established,  stores  opened  with  immense  stocks  of  goods ; 
the  streets  were  blocked  with  freight  teams  and  crowded  with  people ; 
and  it  was  exultingly  proclaimed  on  every  hand  that  "  forty-nine "  had 
come  again,  and  the  old  flush  days  of  California  were  about  to  be  repeated. 
The  Fourth  of  July  of  1869,  compared  with  that  anniversary  of  the  year 
preceding,  was  like  the  transformation  scene  in  a  spectacular  play  in  a 
theater,  or,  better,  a  veritable  fairy  tale.  Where  the  handful  of  coarsely- 
clothed  prospectors  had  marched  in  procession  the  year  before,  now 
marched  a  grand  pageant — military  companies,  a  fire  department,  with 
handsome  and  costly  and  beautifully-decorated  engines  and  hose  car- 
riages ;  a  car  of  state,  containing  bright-faced  and  gaily-attired  girls,  repre- 
senting the  various  States  in  the  Union ;  brass  bands,  streamers,  brightness, 
and  beauty ;  and  where  but  one  short  year  before  had  waved  the  solitary 
home-made  flag,  the  starry  emblem  now  kissed  the  breeze  from  a  hundred 
staffs.  The  line  of  the  procession  of  the  year  before,  over  a  mere  trail 
through  the  brush,  with  a  few  poor  tents  and  cabins  only  marking  the  site 
of  the  town,  was  now  a  broad  street,  with  handsome  two  and  three-story 
structures  of  brick  and  stone,  built  compactly  on  each  side.  A  thousand 
women  and  children  gazed  on  the  procession  from  the  upper  windows  of 
stately  structures;  and  at  the  "ball  in  the  evening"  there  were  hundreds 
of  richly  dressed  and  jeweled  women,  in  contrast  to  the  two  Gentile 
women  and  the  four  Mormon  girls  in  their  homespun  dresses  and  charity 
brogans,  that  had  graced  with  their  presence  the  "  ball  in  the  evening  "  of 
the  Fourth  of  July  a  short  twelvemonth  before. 

White  Pine  went  down  almost  as  rapidly  as  it  came  up.     The  mines 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  137 

petered  and  the  bubble  bursted.  To-day,  Hamilton  and  Treasure  City  are 
both  insignificant  and  nearly  depopulated  camps ;  the  few  who  remain  in 
them  have  clung  on,  hoping  on,  hoping  ever,  for  a  strike  in  the  mines  that 
shall  bring  a  return  of  something  like  the  good  old  times  of  the  early 
days.  Their  hopes  will  in  all  probability  never  be  realized  ;  though  both 
places  have  a  reasonable  prospect  that  sufficient  mineral  wealth  will  be 
developed  in  the  deep  workings  which  for  several  years  have  been  ener- 
getically pushed  in  Treasure  Hill,  to  make  them  prosperous  small  mining 
camps.  But  they  will  never  again  see  the  rush,  the  excitement,  the  money, 
the  wild  speculation,  and  the  rapid  gain  and  loss  of  fortunes  that  charac- 
terized their  career  for  a  year  succeeding  the  "First  Fourth  in  White  Pine." 


Under  the  Gallows. 

In  the  course  of  the  journey  during  which  the  incident  detailed  under 
the  head  "  Not  Worth  Killing  "  transpired,  I  arrived  at  a  mining  camp 
known  as  East  Bannock,  sometimes  called  "  Grasshopper  Creek."  I  reached 
the  edge  of  the  town  at  night,  when  all  the  lights  were  extinguished ;  and, 
knowing  it  to  be  what  was  called  a  "  vigilante  town,"  I  did  not  care  to 
enter  it  during  the  night.  It  might  not  be  healthy  for  a  stranger  to  be 
caught  prowling  around  East  Bannock  at  night,  and  he  might  experience 
considerable  difficulty  in  convincing  any  of  the  watchful  inhabitants  who 
might  be  abroad  of  the  honesty  of  his  intentions.  I  therefore  concluded 
to  camp  at  the  outskirts  of  the  town  that  night,  and  enter  it  in  the  morn- 
ing. I  accordingly  spread  my  blanket  on  the  ground,  lay  down,  and  was 
soon  sleeping  the  sleep  of  the  tired. 

When  I  opened  my  eyes  in  the  morning,  the  first  object  they  encoun- 
tered was  a  gallows.  I  did  not  know  it  was  a  gallows  at  first,  but  was  soon 
enlightened  as  to  the  true  nature  of  the  beast.  The  night  preceding  had 
been  very  dark,  and  when  I  made  my  camp  I  did  not  notice  the  instru- 
ment of  execution  of  the  death  penalty,  and  had  laid  my  blankets  directly 
under  the  cross-beam,  and  between  the  uprights,  and  there  I  had  slept. 
There  was  a  small  piece  of  rope  dangling  from  the  center  of  the  cross-beam ; 
but  still  it  did  not  strike  me  that  the  machine  was  a  gallows.  I  lay  there 
in  my  blankets,  looking  up  at  it,  and  wondering  what  it  could  be,  until  at 
last  the  sun  began  to  mount  in  the  heavens,  and  I  arose.  As  I  looked 
about  me,  I  observed,  a  short  distance  to  the  right,  what  appeared  to  be  a 
small  cemetery — a  row  of  head-boards  and  small,  grave-like  mounds,  sit- 
uated on  a  little  knoll.  The  first  thought  was  that  it  must  be  the  town- 
cemetery,  and  I  wondered  that  a  town  of  the  size  of  East  Bannock  should, 
at  its  age,  (it  was  then  probably  four  or  five  years  old)  have  so  small  a 
graveyard.  In  new  mining  camps,  about  the  first  work  of  public  utility 
performed  is  to  lay  out  a  graveyard,  and  there  is  almost  invariably  some 
public-spirited  citizen  who  contracts  to  provide  occupants  for  it.  In  most 


138  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

mining  camps,  a  graveyard  can  boast  at  least  twenty  graves  before  it  is  six 
months  old,  the  majority  of  the  occupants  being  obstinate  men  who  thought 
they  had  a  better  title  to  a  town-lot  or  a  mining  claim  than  the  man  who 
had  established  the  precedence  of  his  claim  with  a  bullet,  or  men  who  had 
unfortunately  held  the  opinion  that  they  were  better  fighters  and  surer 
shots  than  the  individuals  who  had  convinced  them  of  their  error  with  a 
six-shooter.  However,  I  walked  over  to  the  cemetery,  and  approaching 
the  first  head-board,  read  thereon  the  name,  "  Henry  Plummer,"  and  the 
date  of  the  aforesaid  Plummer's  death. 

The  whole  thing  was  now  plain  to  me — this  was  the  private  grave- 
yard of  the  East  Bannock  Vigilantes. 

The  story  of  the  execution  of  Henry  Plummer  and  his  band  of  "  road 
agents  "  was  familiar  to  me  then.  I  had  heard  it  in  Nevada,  and  at  inter- 
vals, at  different  places  all  along,  during  my  journey  to  Montana.  It  is 
not  very  fresh  in  my  memory  now,  as  I  have  forgotten  some  matters  of 
detail ;  but  the  story  substantially  is  about  as  follows  : 

Plummer  had  been  City  Marshal  and  a  prominent  local  politician  of 
Nevada  City,  California ;  but,  if  my  memory  serves  me,  killed  a  man 
there,  and  escaped  to  the  then  Territory  of  Nevada.  He  did  not  linger 
long  in  the  sage-brush,  however,  for  fear  of  arrest  by  the  California  au- 
thorities, but  made  his  way  "up  north,"  as  the  section  now  comprising 
Montana  and  Idaho  was  then  by  a  general  term  designated.  There  had 
been  some  placer-mining  discoveries  in  British  Columbia,  and  it  was  to 
that  country  that  he  first  went;  but  as  other  mines  were  found  to  the  east- 
ward, in  what  is  now  Montana  and  Idaho,  Plummer  followed  the  "rushes" 
till  he  at  last  brought  up  in  Bannock,  under  which  designation  a  large  sec- 
tion of  the  eastern  portion  of  the  present  Territory  of  Montana  was  then 
known.  I  am  not  familiar  with  much  of  his  career  during  the  earlier  por- 
tion of  his  residence  in  Bannock,  except  generally  that  it  was  a  wild  and 
desperate  one. 

The  Territory  of  Idaho  was  formed  and  divided  off  into  counties,  and 
county  governments  organized.  Each  county  covered  a  large  area;  for 
the  country  was  new,  and  the  population  small  and  scattered.  Of  one  of 
these  counties — the  one  in  which  East  Bannock  was  situated — (it  is  now 
in  Montana)  Plummer  was  chosen  sheriff.  He  had  married,  and  apparently 
reformed,  and  abandoned  the  life  of  a  desperado,  and  was  looked  upon  as 
a  good  citizen  for  a  new  country.  He  was  known  to  be  a  determined,  and 
was  thought  to  be  a  brave  man ;  and  having  had  some  experience  in  a  po- 
lice capacity,  was  deemed  just  the  man  for  the  position. 

The  country  was  infested  with  cut-throats  and  highwaymen,  jocularly 
called  "road  agents."  These  "agents"  stopped  the  stages  and  robbed 
and  murdered  passengers,  killed  men  on  the  trails  and  roads  for  pure 
wantonness,  and  committed  murder,  robbery,  and  outrage  on  every  hand, 
and  with  the  utmost  impunity ;  and  not  an  arrest  was  made,  or  an  effort 
put  forth  to  bring  one  of  them  to  justice.  Every  man  was  his  own  law, 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  139 

and  his  pistol  the  only  peace  officer  to  which  he  could  look  for  protection. 
The  agents  were  banded  together,  and  usually  went  in  gangs,  and  no  man 
was  safe  from  them,  even  in  the  towns.  They  would  enter  a  camp,  and 
after  filling  themselves  with  liquor,  would  "take  the  town" ;  that  is,  they 
would  be  masters  of  the  situation,  do  as  they  pleased,  and  maltreat  and 
abuse  peaceably  disposed  persons  as  their  humor  moved  them.  In  short, 
they  ruled  the  country,  and  had  everything  their  own  way,  apparently 
safe  from  all  danger  of  arrest  or  punishment. 

This  state  of  things  could  not  last  forever.  The  patience  of  the  law- 
abiding  and  peaceable  men  of  the  country  was  exhausted,  and  a  Vigilance 
Committee  was  quietly  and  secretly  formed.  At  first  they  made  no  move 
to  visit  punishment  upon  any  of  the  suspected  or  notoriously  bad  charac- 
ters, but  quietly  busied  themselves,  each  man  acting  as  a  detective,  in 
posting  themselves  as  to  the  ramifications  of  the  road  agents'  organization, 
finding  out  their  haunts  and  learning  their  mode  of  operations.  During 
the  course  of  these  investigations  it  was  learned,  and  the  discovery  created 
the  utmost  surprise  among  the  Vigilantes,  that  Henry  Plummer,  the  Sheriff 
of  the  county,  was  the  head  and  front  of  the  road  agents'  organization. 
He  personally  took  no  part  in  their  exploits,  but  knew  all  their  plans,  and 
received  a  certain  share  of  their  spoils.  He  posted  them  when  there  was 
gold  dust  on  the  stages,  and  when  he  learned  that  a  man  or  a  party  of  men 
were  traveling  with  large  sums  of  money  or  batches  of  dust,  he  informed 
the  agents  as  to  the  route  taken,  and  consulted  with  them  as  to  the  best 
method  of  accomplishing  the  robbery  and  disposing  of  the  victims.  Be- 
sides this,  he  protected  them  from  arrest,  and  aided  them  to  get  out  of  the 
country  if  the  facts  implicating  them  were  so  plain  and  glaring  that  his 
failure  to  arrest  them  if  they  stayed  would  tend  to  betray  his  connection 
with  the  gangs. 

A  watch  was  put  on  Plummer,  and  the  Committee  satisfied  them- 
selves that  he  saw  there  was  no  chance  for  a  mistake  about  his  connection 
with  the  road  agents ;  and  on  a  certain  night,  which  had  been  agreed  on, 
he  was  arrested.  Plummer  had  not  dreamed  that  he  was  suspected,  and 
the  arrest  was  a  complete  surprise  to  him.  He  blustered  considerably  at 
first ;  but  when  he  saw  that  the  Committee  had  indisputable  evidence  of 
his  guilt,  he  "  weakened,"  and  offered  to  tell  all  he  knew.  This  offer  was 
rejected,  as  enough  was  known  to  show  that  he  was  undeserving  of  mercy. 
He  was  placed  under  a  strong  guard  that  night,  and  a  detachment  of  the 
Committee  proceeded  to  arrest  others  of  the  road  agents. 

If  I  remember  the  circumstances  aright,  several  of  the  gang  were 
Mexicans,  who,  learning  that  a  vigilance  committee  had  been  formed  and 
was  after  the  road  agents,  took  refuge  in  a  stone  cabin  situated  on  the  out- 
skirts of  the  town  of  East  Bannock.  This  cabin  was  visited  by  a  detach- 
ment of  the  Committee,  who  demanded  the  surrender  of  the  occupants. 
The  Mexicans  made  answer  by  firing  a  volley  on  the  Vigilantes,  without, 
however,  hitting  any  of  them.  The  Vigilantes  then  set  fire  to  the  cabin, 


140  THE  SAZERAC  LYING   CLUB. 

and  when  at  last  the  heat  grew  so  intense  that  they  could  no  longer  remain 
inside,  they  made  a  rush  on  the  party  of  Vigilantes,  but  were  all  shot  down 
before  they  could  do  any  mischief.  Thus  one  portion  of  the  gang  was 
disposed  of. 

In  the  meantime,  another  party  of  the  Vigilantes  had  arrested  several 
Americans  who  were  known  to  have  been  active  participants  in  the  robber- 
ies, murders,  and  outrages ;  and  others  who  were  suspected  managed  to 
effect  their  escape.  I  do  not  remember  the  exact  number  arrested,  but  it 
was  somewhere  between  six  and  ten. 

In  the  days  of  vigilance  committees  in  California,  it  used  to  be  the 
custom,  before  executing  the  law  of  Judge  Lynch,  to  give  the  accused  a 
sort  of  trial,  at  which  he  was  allowed  to  bring  forward  any  evidence  tend- 
ing to  establish  his  innocence  which  he  might  be  able  to  procure.  But  this 
plan  was  not  pursued  in  Bannock,  and  never  in  Montana,  that  I  am 
aware  of. 

When  the  Committee  had  arrested  all  the  known  road  agents  they 
could  find,  a  gallows  was  erected  just  outside  the  town  of  East  Bannock, 
a  resolution  condemning  the  men  to  death  having  previously  been  passed, 
and  the  prisoners  were  conducted  to  the  place  of  execution,  and  there 
hung  by  twos  and  threes,  with  the  exception  of  Plummer,  who,  on  account 
of  his  former  prominence  as  a  politician  and  county  officer,  was  granted 
the  courtesy  of  an  execution  all  to  himself. 

It  is  stated  that  when  Plummer  became  satisfied  that  the  Vigilance 
Committee  were  determined  to  hang  him,  he  cried  like  a  child,  and  begged 
piteously  for  his  life,  but  all  in  vain.  There  had  been  too  many  men  mur- 
dered and  mutilated,  and  life  and  property  had  been  rendered  too  insecure 
for  mercy  to  be  shown  to  the  man  who,  while  holding  an  office  of  public 
trust,  and  one  created  to  give  protection  to  the  people,  had  aided  and 
countenanced  the  murderers  and  robbers.  The  hour  of  vengeance  had 
come,  and  the  people  had  arisen  in  their  might  to  demonstrate  to  the  ruf- 
fians and  cut-throats  that  their  sway  was  at  an  end ;  that  they  would  no 
longer  be  allowed  to  ride  rough-shod  over  peaceable  and  law-abiding  men ; 
and  even  while  Plummer,  with  the  rope  around  his  neck,  was  pleading,  and 
begging,  and  promising,  the  box  on  which  he  stood  was  pulled  out  from 
under  his  feet,  and  in  a  moment  he  was  strangling  and  dangling  at  the  end 
of  the  rope. 

The  gallows  on  which  these  men  were  hung  was  the  same  under 
which  I  had  camped  the  night  I  arrived  at  East  Bannock,  and  the  little 
mounds  with  the  boards  at  their  head  on  the  knoll  at  one  side  were  their 
graves. 

The  formation  of  the  Bannock  Vigilance  Committee  was,  I  believe, 
the  foundation  of  the  great  Vigilance  Committee  which  in  a  short  time 
extended  in  its  ramifications  over  the  entire  Territory  of  Montana,  which 
was  soon  afterward  created.  Springing  out  of  the  necessity  for  self-pres- 
ervation, and  starting  off  with  the  performance  of  a  necessary  act,  it  at 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  141 

last  grew  to  be  a  curse,  where  at  first  it  was  a  blessing.  Bad  men,  to  keep 
suspicion  away  from  themselves,  joined  the  Vigilance  Committee,  which 
came  to  be  an  oath-bound  organization  of  the  strictest  secresy.  There 
were  good  men  also  in  its  membership,  nearly  every  merchant  and  business 
man  in  the  Territory  joining  it ;  and  it  was  even  hinted  that  United  States 
Marshals  and  Judges,  Sheriffs,  Constables,  and  District  Attorneys  were  en- 
rolled on  its  muster.  It  soon,  however,  fell  into  the  control  of  the  villains 
and  adventurers,  many  of  whom,  for  plunder,  or  to  gratify  malice  and 
revenge,  made  accusations  against  innocent  men — and  to  be  accused  before 
the  Vigilantes  was  equivalent  to  being  condemned.  Sentence  was  passed 
in  secret,  and  the  accused  was  given  no  opportunity  to  be  heard  in  defense, 
but  the  officers  of  the  organization  on  whom  devolved  the  duty  of  exe- 
cuting the  sentence  immediately  proceeded  to  put  it  into  execution.  The 
unwarned  wretch  was  surprised  at  night  in  his  cabin,  or  on  a  road  or  trail, 
or  even  late  at  night  in  the  streets  of  the  towns,  by  a  body  of  masked  men, 
by  whom  he  was  overpowered,  gagged,  blindfolded,  bound,  and  carried 
to  the  tree  used  as  an  engine  of  execution.  There  one  end  of  a  rope  was 
tied  around  his  neck,  the  other  thrown  over  a  limb  of  the  tree,  the  victim 
hauled  up  and  the  rope  made  fast,  a  placard  on  which  was  written  the 
crime  for  which  he  was  executed  being  generally  pinned  to  his  breast. 
Murder  was  not  the  only  crime  for  which  men  were  executed.  Horse  or 
cattle  -  stealing,  passing  bogus  gold-dust,  or  highway  robbery,  also  met 
the  punishment  of  death.  But  in  the  later  days  of  the  Vigilance  Com- 
mittee the  mere  suspicion  or  accusation  of  these  crimes  was  sufficient  to 
hang  a  man. 

I  remember  hearing  a  story — in  fact,  it  was  generally  current  in  Mon- 
tana at  one  time — that  the  Vigilantes  seized  and  hung  a  boy  on  suspicion 
of  having  stolen  some  work  cattle,  and  while  he  was  dangling  from  the 
rope  the  missing  cattle,  which  had  strayed,  walked  into  the  corral  in  which 
the  boy  was  hanging. 

Some  of  these  Vigilantes  themselves  at  last  met  with  their  just  deserts 
at  the  end  of  a  rope,  pulled  on  by  their  fellow  members  of  the  Committee. 
There  was  one  of  these  who  went  by  the  name  of  "  Freiichy."  He  was  a 
thief,  a  murderer,  and  a  villain ;  but  he  gained  admission  to  membership 
in  the  Vigilance  Committee,  which  for  several  years  he  used  as  a  cloak  for 
his  crimes.  He  was  known  as  a  Californian,  and  many  members  being 
from  the  Eastern  States,  Frenchy  was  relied  on  to  furnish  information 
concerning  the  antecedents  of  such  Calif ornians  as  came  under  the  ban  of 
the  Committee;  and  it  was  afterward  suspected  that  he  gave  evidence 
against  men  of  whom  he  had  never  before  heard  or  had  never  before  seen, 
simply  that  he  might  appear  to  be  well  posted.  If  he  took  a  dislike  to  or 
held  a  grudge  against  a  man,  he  denounced  him  to  the  Committee  as  hav- 
ing been  a  horse-thief  in  California  or  Nevada ;  if  a  man  refused  to  be 
blackmailed  by  him,  he  lodged  an  information  against  him  before  the  Vigi- 
lance Committee,  charging  him  with  some  crime,  and  in  most  cases  the 


142  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

charge  was  equivalent  to  conviction,  and  resulted  in  execution.  In  some 
instances,  all  that  was  necessary  to  bring  the  executioners  of  the  Vigilantes 
down  on  a  man  was  that  he  should  have  money.  In  such  cases  the  "  stran- 
glers,"  as  they  were  called,  would  pounce  on  him  at  night,  or  follow  him 
out  into  the  country  when  he  started  on  a  journey,  overpower  him  and 
hang  him,  take  away  his  money  or  live-stock,  and  then  report  to  head- 
quarters with  a  trumped-up  charge  against  him,  and  aver  that  they  found 
it  necessary  to  hang  him  to  prevent  his  escape.  Frenchy  was  particularly 
at  home  in  this  class  of  cases,  acting  the  part  of  a  detective  to  find  out 
men  who  were  going  to  travel  with  long  sacks  of  gold-dust.  At  last 
Frenchy  began  to  be  suspected  by  the  more  respectable  members  of  the 
Vigilance  Committee,  and  a  watch  was  set  on  his  actions ;  and  it  was  not 
very  long  till  he  was  caught.  One  dark  night,  Frenchy  fell  in  company 
with  an  old  man  from  one  of  the  outside  mining  camps,  who  was  known  to 
possess  considerable  money.  The  Vigilante  spy  and  informer  soon  placed 
himself  on  friendly  terms  with  the  stranger,  and  the  two  visited  the  saloons 
and  dance-houses,  and  dissipated  until  the  old  man  became  intoxicated. 
Frenchy  then  inveigled  him  into  a  dark  street,  and  knocked  him  senseless, 
and  proceeded  to  rifle  his  pockets.  The  pair  had  been  followed  during  the 
night  by  a  party  of  Vigilantes ;  and  while  Frenchy  was  engaged  in  rob- 
bing the  old  man,  they  rushed  in  on  him,  and  captured,  bound,  and  gagged 
him  before  he  could  make  a  move  or  utter  a  cry. 

It  was  always  swift  work  with  the  Vigilantes.  After  they  had  once 
suspected  Frenchy,  many  things  about  him  became  plain,  and  facts  were 
obtained  showing  his  villainy ;  and  now  that  he  was  caught  in  the  very 
act,  no  time  was  lost  in  executing  vengeance  on  him.  He  was  conducted 
through  out-of-the-way  streets  and  over  lonely  trails  to  the  execution  tree 
in  Dry  Gulch,  on  the  outskirts  of  the  city,  and  was  there  given  a  short 
shrift  and  a  long  rope.  I  heard,  several  years  afterward,  that  during  the 
preparations  for  execution  Frenchy  got  the  gag  out  of  his  mouth,  and 
screamed  out  that  he  was  a  Californian,  and  implored  any  Californians 
who  might  be  in  the  party  to  help  or  save  him,  for  the  sake  of  geography, 
as  it  were.  But  if  there  were  in  the  party  any  gentlemen  from  the  Golden 
State,  they  said  not  a  word  in  his  behalf,  nor  attempted  to  put  forth  a  hand 
to  save  him.  And  next  morning  the  people  of  the  good  city  of  Helena  be- 
held the  body  of  the  late  Frenchy  dangling  from  a  tree,  and  on  his  breast 
a  placard  bearing  the  words : 


A  MURDERER  AND  A  THIEF! 
Swore  Away   Men's   Lives. 


FRONTIER   SKETCHES.  143 

Hoist  by  his  Own  Petard. 

As  the  story  goes,  another  prominent  member  of  the  Execution  Band 
of  the  Montana  Vigilantes  also  met  his  death  at  the  hands  of  his  former 
comrades.  He  had  helped  at  the  execution  of  so  many  that  hanging 
men  grew  to  be  a  passion  with  him;  and  it  was  said  that  he  only  knew 
happiness  when  he  was  pulling  a  rope  over  a  limb,  with  a  man  fastened 
to  the  other  end  by  the  neck.  Finally,  this  fellow  gave  offense  to  some  of 
the  other  Vigilantes,  and  a  party  of  them  talked  the  matter  over,  and  de- 
cided to  hang  him.  He  knew  too  much  about  some  of  them,  or  had  failed 
to  divide  some  plunder  fairly,  or  they  had  come  to  dislike  him.  I  don't 
know  the  exact  reason  for  his  execution,  only  that  they  strung  him  up? 
and  that  there  was  a  sort  of  grim  humor  to  the  story. 

The  party  were  at  Fort  Benton,  the  head  of  navigation  of  the  Mis- 
souri River,  which  was  quite  a  busy  little  city  in  those  days,  on  account 
of  the  travel  and  freight  from  the  East ;  and  numerous  steamers  which 
plied  the  river  from  St.  Louis,  St.  Joe,  and  Omaha,  tied  up  and  unloaded 
their  cargoes  there,  for  transhipment  by  mule  and  ox-teams  to  various 
points  in  the  Territory.  Fort  Benton  is  situated  on  a  sand-flat  on  the 
bank  of  the  river,  a  regular  desert  waste,  and  the  view  on  all  sides,  as  far 
as  the  eye  can  reach,  is  nothing  but  sand,  without  a  tree  or  shrub  to  re- 
lieve the  barrenness  and  desolation.  This  fact  gave  rise  to  some  difficulty 
in  the  hanging  of  the  doomed  Vigilante ;  and  the  stranglers,  in  their  di- 
lemma, went  to  him  and  requested  him  to  devise  a  plan  for  hanging  him- 
self. The  matter  was  worked  in  this  wise.  Hunting  up  the  victim  and 
taking  him  aside,  one  of  them  said  to  him : 

"  We  have  got  a  fellow  we  want  to  string  up,  and  don't  know  how  to 
manage  it,  as  there's  not  a  tree,  or  anything  big  enough  to  hang  a  man  on, 
growing  within  miles  of  this  place.  How  would  you  manage  it!  " 

"Manage  it!"  exclaimed  the  unconscious  victim,  "you  just  leave 
that  to  me,  and  I'll  fix  you  up  the  loveliest  contrivance  that  ever  raised  a 
man  off  the  ground.  Leave  it  to  me,  will  you?" 

The  party  consented  to  leave  the  construction  of  the  "  lovely  contri- 
vance "  to  their  candidate  for  a  noose,  and  he  proceeded  to  business  at 
once.  Procuring  three  stout  poles  and  some  baling-rope,  and  a  stouter 
rope  for  a  noose,  he  packed  them  on  a  horse,  and  mounting  his  own  horse 
he  drove  the  pack-horse  before  him,  and  rode  out  on  the  plain  to  a  point 
secure  from  observation  from  the  town.  Here  he  unpacked  his  gallows 
material,  and  with  the  baling-rope  tied  the  three  poles  together  fast  at  one 
end,  and  setting  the  other  ends  on  the  ground,  spread  them  out  in  the 
form  of  a  tripod.  He  then  made  a  running  noose  with  the  other  piece  of 
rope,  and. fastened  it  to  the  top  of  the  tripod,  hanging  inside  of  the  poles. 
This  done,  he  returned  to  town  to  hunt  up  his  friends  and  invite  them  out 
to  an  inspection  of  his  ingenious  work. 

It  did  not  take  long,  and  having  got  them  together,  he  said : 


144  THE  SAZEEAG  LYING    CLUB. 

"  Come  on,  boys,  and  go  out  and  look  at  her ;  she's  just  the  sweetest 
thing  in  that  line  you  ever  laid  eyes  on." 

In  response  to  this  polite  invitation,  the  "  boys "  mounted  their 
horses  and  rode  out  to  view  the  "  sweet  thing,"  the  victim  accompanying 
them. 

They  had  intended  to  hang  him  at  night ;  but  such  a  splendid  oppor 
tunity  for  the  work  was  now  presented  that  they  concluded  to  take  advan- 
tage  of  it ;  and  as  they  rode  along  they  communicated  with  each  other  by 
whispers,  and  a  plan  was  agreed  on  to  hang  their  man  before  they  re- 
turned to  town.  The  gallows  was  handy,  and  they  had  him  secure  and 
safe  from  observation,  and  it  seemed  like  tempting  Providence  to  let  this 
chance  slip  and  take  the  chances  of  something  happening  before  night  to 
put  him  on  his  guard,  so  that  he  might  get  away. 

Arrived  at  the  tripod,  the  party  dismounted,  and  after  they  had 
viewed  it  a  few  moments,  the  leader  asked  its  architect  how  it  worked. 

"  Easiest  thing  in  the  world,"  replied  the  victim  of  misplaced  confi- 
dence; "  you  see,  you  walk  your  man  in  under  here  (pointing  to  the  space 
under  the  noose)  ;  slip  this  thing  over  his  head  (pointing  to  the  noose)  ; 
then  three  of  us  each  pick  up  one  of  these  poles  and  shift  its  end  inwards 
towards  the  center,  and  that  raises  the  height  of  the  machine,  and  draws 
the  noose  tight,  and  your  man  has  nothing  to  stand  on.  Did  you  ever  see 
anything  smoother  than  that  ?  " 

"  Suppose  you  get  under,  and  let's  see  how  it  works,"  said  the  leader. 

"Me  get  under  it!  What  for?  It's  the  simplest  thing  in  the  world, 
and  a  baby  could  understand  it." 

"  Get  under  there  !  "  exclaimed  the  leader,  in  a  stern  tone,  drawing 
and  cocking  a  six-shooter,  and  pointing  it  in  the  victim's  face. 

Simultaneously  the  other  men  drew  their  pistols,  covered  the  fated 
wretch,  and  said,  "  Get  under  there  f" 

The  face  of  the  gallows-builder  turned  pale,  and  his  limbs  began  to 
quake  with  fear. 

"  Oh,  boys !  you  don't  mean  it.  You're  only  joshing  me,  I  know;  but 
those  pistols  look  wicked,  and  make  me  nervous.  Put  up  your  guns  and 
go  back  to  town  and  take  a  drink  with  me,  and  we'll  fetch  that  fellow  out 
here  to-night  and  give  him  a  lively  send-off." 

The  only  reply  was  the  nearer  approach  of  the  muzzles  of  the  six- 
shooters  to  his  head,  and  the  words  :  "  Get  under  there  !  " 

The  poor  devil  begged,  cried,  and  implored,  but  to  no  purpose;  and 
at  the  very  point  of  the  pistols  which  surrounded  him  on  every  hand,  he 
was  forced  inside  the  tripod  and  the  noose  slipped  over  his  head,  and  he 
was  duly  hung  in  strict  accordance  with  his  own  directions  for  the  hang- 
ing of  the  other  fellow.  There  he  was  left  hanging,  and  a  few  days  sub- 
sequently, after  the  carrion  birds  had  made  several  hearty  meals  from  it, 
his  body  was  discovered  by  some  men  from  Fort  Benton,  who  cut  it  down 
and  buried  it. 


Hfart 


I<ife  ir\  a 


One  day,  while  out  in  search  of  an  item,  I  asked  a  fellow -citizen, 
"What's  the  news?"  " Nothing  startling,"  he  replied.  Nothing  start- 
ling !  That  man  would  never  do  for  a  newspaper  reporter  in  a  small  in- 
terior town.  Nothing  startling,  indeed  !  Why,  as  he  made  the  remark, 
two  dogs  were  preparing  to  sign  articles  for  a  prize-fight  right  in  front  of 
his  store ;  a  wagon  loaded  with  wood  could  be  seen  in  the  distance,  which 
was  sure  to  pass  his  way  during  the  day,  if  something  did  not  break  down. 
Two  women,  whom  he  knew  to  be  mortal  enemies,  were  approaching  each 
other  on  the  corner  above ;  a  doctor  was  hurrying  across  the  street,  and  a 
man  who  always  kicks  up  a  fuss  and  gets  arrested  when  drunk  was  just 
entering  the  door  of  a  saloon  a  block  below.  If  that  fellow -citizen  had 
had  the  soul  of  a  reporter  within  his  bosom — or  in  any  other  part  of  his 
body  where  a  reporter's  expansive  soul  can  find  lodgment — he  would  have 
got  out  his  jack-knife,  picked  up  a  chip,  and,  sitting  down  on  the  first  con- 
venient dry  goods  box,  have  whittled,  and  waited  for  something  startling. 
Nothing  came  of  all  the  incidents,  however.  The  dogs  signed  a  peace 
protocol  and  formed  an  alliance  to  bark  at  a  passing  horse ;  the  load  of 
wood  was  delivered  lower  down  the  street,  the  women  merely  swept  their 
skirts  aside  from  each  other  as  they  passed,  the  doctor  only  wanted  to  bor- 
row ten  dollars  of  the  man  on  the  other  side  of  the  street,  and  the  fellow 
who  makes  a  noise  when  he  gets  drunk  simply  went  into  the  saloon  to  in- 
quire what  time  the  Battle  Mountain  stage  started. 

It  is  such  disappointments  as  these  that  sour  the  reportorial  milk  of 
human  kindness,  and  force  the  country  newspaper  man  to  fill  up  his  col- 
umns with  incidents  evolved  from  his  own  imagination — incidents  that 
are  invariably  tinged  with  the  humor  born  of  worldly  wisdom,  and  the 
practical  as  opposed  to  the  sentimental  view  of  men,  life,  and  things.  I 
have  before  explained  the  origin  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club ;  and  to  the 
same  want  of  "local"  the  following  actual  occurrences  owe  their  appear- 
ance in  print : 

10 


146  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 


High-Toned  Folks. 

A  short  time  ago,  a  prominent  citizen  of  Austin,  criticising  something 
which  had  appeared  in  the  REVEILLE,  complained  that  a  majority  of  the 
characters  introduced  in  our  local  sketches  were  people  of  rather  a  common 
order ;  that  the  language  employed  in  the  dialogue  was  coarse,  and  only 
such  as  is  in  use  among  the  lower  classes.  This,  he  urged,  was  likely  to 
make  people  outside  of  Austin  think  that  there  were  not  any  aristocratic 
residents  here,  and  that  the  Austinites  on  the  whole  were  rather  a  common 
crowd.  We  accepted  the  criticism  gratefully  and  gracefully,  and  there 
and  then  resolved  to  watch  out  for  any  little  domestic  incident  transpiring 
among  the  "  Upper  Ten  "  that  could  be  worked  into  a  sketch.  We  had 
not  long  to  wait. 

A  gentleman  residing  in  this  city,  through  whose  veins  courses  the 
blood  of  a  long  line  of  ancestors,  entered  the  portals  of  his  palatial  mansion 
just  as  the  glorious  orb  of  day  was  sinking  to  rest  behind  the  western 
hills.  He  was  met  on  the  threshold  by  the  partner  of  his  joys  and  sor- 
rows, who  greeted  him  with  a  kiss  of  welcome.  He  entered  the  house, 
and  throwing  his  weary  form  upon  the  luxurious  sofa  in  the  drawing- 
room got  right  up  again  and  howled. 

The  delicate  fabric  on  which  she  had  been  engaged  in  embroidering 
the  armorial  bearings  of  her  husband's  noble  house  had  three  needles  in 
it ;  she  had  thrown  it  on  the  sofa  in  her  haste  to  greet  her  lord,  and  he 
had  sat  down  on  all  three  of  the  needles. 

Instead  of  saying,  "  Dearest,  thou  art  careless,"  as  the  reader  has  a 
natural  right  to  expect,  he  just  stood  up  on  his  toes  and  cursed  till  the 
air  was  blue. 

She,  on  her  part,  instead  of  putting  her  hands  on  his  shoulders  and 
gently  pushing  him  down  on  the  sofa  and  saying,  "Be  calm,  thou  light  of 
me  soul,"  which  any  person  with  a  grain  of  sense  must  concede  was  the 
proper  thing  for  her  to  do  under  the  circumstances,  in  a  tone  more  in 
sorrow  than  in  anger,  told  him  if  he  didn't  "  shut  up  this  minnit,"  she 
would  faint. 

"  Faint  and  be  d — rowned !  "  said  he. 

And  then  she  called  him  an  old  brute  and  an  unfeeling  wretch,  and 
told  him  he  could  go  to  the  restaurant  to  get  his  supper ;  for  she  wished 
she  might  fall  nine  thousand  feet  down  a  shaft  if  she  cooked  a  mouthful 
for  any  such  old  nincompoop  as  him  that  night. 

And  he  went  down  town  after  his  supper,  and  as  he  stood  up  against  the 
bar  while  his  appetizer  was  being  concocted,  he  said  to  the  bar-keeper:  "I 
put  it  to  you,  as  a  man  and  a  brother,  if  a  man  jumps  eight  feet  and  howls 
like  a  coyote,  just  because  he  has  sat  down  on  three  insignificant  cambric 
needles,  can  he  with  truth  and  propriety  be  designated  an  *  unfeeling 
wretch'?" 

The  bar-keeper  said  he  thought  not. 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  147 


A   Seared   Citizen. 

Mr.  Thompson  has  just  laid  in  his  winter's  wood,  and  a  few  evenings 
ago,  on  returning  from  his  work  in  the  mines,  brought  home  some  giant 
powder  cartridges  for  the  purpose  of  blasting  up  the  big  logs  into  stove 
size.  He  deposited  the  explosives  on  the  kitchen  table,  intending  to  use 
them  in  the  morning ;  but  after  he  had  gone  to  bed  the  thought  troubled 
him  that  he  had  not  exercised  sufficient  caution;  and  that  he  should  have 
placed  the  dangerous  articles  in  the  cellar,  or  in  some  corner  out  of  the  way 
of  "  that  boy  Jim."  But,  being  tired  and  sleepy,  he  felt  a  natural  indispo- 
sition to  get  up  and  remove  them  to  a  place  of  absolute  safety,  and  con- 
cluded to  risk  all  chances  for  the  night,  and  rise  early  in  the  morning  so 
as  to  put  them  out  of  Jim's  way  before  that  mischievous  young  gentleman 
was  out  of  bed. 

Falling  into  a  troubled  sleep  he  had  visions  of  explosions,  saw  the  air 
filled  with  fragments  of  his  house,  his  beloved  daughter  Clarissa  sailing 
straight  for  the  moon  on  a  joint  of  stovepipe,  the  wife  of  his  bosom  shoot- 
ing through  the  air  carrying  her  severed  head  under  her  arm,  and  Jim — 
the  pride  of  his  latter  days — sitting  astride  of  the  piano-stool,  with  the 
baby's  arm  in  his  hand,  and  grinning  like  a  fiend  as  he  put  that  innocent's 
thutnb  to  his  nose,  and  disappeared  from  view  behind  the  summit  of  Lan- 
der Hill. 

When  he  awoke  in  the  morning  it  was  with  that  sensation  of  weari- 
ness which  usually  follows  a  night  of  exciting  dreams,  and  as  he  lay  in  bed 
in  that  drowsy  condition,  between  sleep  and  awaking,  which  all  of  us  have 
experienced  at  some  time  or  other,  Clarissa  seated  herself  at  the  piano  in 
the  parlor  to  practice  an  operatic  piece.  Bracing  her  feet  firmly  on  the 
pedals  of  the  instrument,  and  fixing  her  eyes  on  the  music,  she  raised  both 
hands  on  high  to  get  a  good  ready,  and  then  came  down  with  both  fists  on 
the  keyboard  with  the  vigor  of  a  thousand  music  masters. 

Crash!     Bang!     Rattletybang !     Crashytecrash ! 

The  air  of  the  opera  swept  through  the  house  in  a  hurricane  of  noisy 
melody,  and  Thompson  shot  out  of  bed  as  if  he  had  been  blown  from  a 
cannon. 

"  Great  heavens,  Maria !  "  he  screamed  to  his  wife,  "  we're  blowed 
hellwest  and  crooked ;  quit  your  dog-goned  snoring  and  say  your  prayers ; 
Jim's  got  hold  of  the  giant  powder  and  we'll  all  be  blowed  to  a  thousand 
fragments  in  sixteen  seconds  by  the  watch  !  " 

Maria  merely  turned  over  and  yawned,  and  said :  "  Shut  up,  you 
cussed,  excitable  old  fool !  It's  only  Clarissa  practicing  the  uproar  of  Tra- 
vitroovatore,  or  some  such  stuff,  on  the  planner,  and  the  instrument's  all 
out  of  kilter  owing  to  the  dry  climate." 

I  The  prominent  citizen  dressed  himself  and  sadly  wended  his  way  to 
the  nearest  saloon  to  hunt  up  a  man  to  tune  the  piano. 


148  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 


Story  of  an   Ear. 

Just  for  a  change  he  thought  he  would  spend  one  evening  at  home. 
His  astonished  wife  met  him  at  the  door  and  asked  him  if  he  had  forgot- 
ten anything. 

"  No,  pet,"  he  replied,  "  I  just  thought  I'd  come  home  and  keep  you 
company  to-night ;  you  must  be  lonesome  sitting  here  all  alone." 

The  wife  was  delighted;  it  was  almost  a  new  experience  to  have  her 
husband  at  home  at  night,  and  she  thought  that  at  last  her  appeals  against 
pedro  for  the  whisky  had  taken  root  in  his  heart.  Placing  another  stick 
in  the  stove  and  giving  the  damper  a  turn,  she  rushed  into  the  bedroom 
and  brought  forth  his  slippers  and  dressing-gown,  and  turning  over  the 
pillow  of  the  sofa,  said  : 

"  Here  dear,  lie  down — you  must  be  tired — and  I'll  get  you  a  book,  a 
new  novel  I've  just  borrowed  from  Mrs.  Ginx,  who  borrowed  it  from  Mrs. 
Smithers,  whose  aunt  is  well  acquainted  with  the  author's  brother-in-law, 
and  it's  just  perfectly  splendid." 

"  Well,  pet,  after  all  there's  no  place  like  home,"  said  the  husband,  as 
he  stretched  himself  on  the  sofa,  "bring  along  your  book." 

He  was  in  a  gracious  mood,  and  after  turning  over  a  few  of  the  leaves, 
said :  "  S'pose  I  read  aloud  to  you,  sis  ?  " 

"  Oh,  do,  that's  a  dear,  it'll  be  so  nice." 

Pretty  soon  he  came  to  a  paragraph  something  like  this  : 

"'  Standing  in  the  archway,  with  the  brilliant  light  from  the  chande- 
lier playing  about  her  golden  hair,  she  looked  a  picture  of  marvelous 
beauty.  The  proudly  poised  head  set  on  the  queenly  neck ;  her  deep  blue, 
liquid  eye  shining  in  tearful  sympathy  on  the  dyspeptic  poodle  that 
crouched  moaning  at  her  feet ;  her  tiny  ear,  looking  like  some  creamy- 
white,  pink-tinted  shell  of  ocean ' 

"  By  the  way,  dear,"  said  the  husband,  cutting  short  his  reading,  "  that 
description  reminds  me  of  your  ear ;  you  have  an  ear  like  a  shell." 

It  was  the  first  compliment  she  had  received  from  him  since  the 
early  days  of  their  marriage,  and  a  blush  of  pride  suffused  her  face  as  she 
asked : 

"  What  kind  of  a  shell,  darling  ?  " 

"An  abalone  shell,"  he  replied. 

She  had  never  heard  of  an  abalone  shell,  but  did  not  want  to  display 
her  ignorance ;  so  she  silently  made  up  her  mind  to  hunt  it  out  in  the 
"  Condensed  Treatise  of  Conchology  "  that  ornamented  the  center  table. 
Next  morning,  as  soon  as  her  husband  had  left  the  house,  conchology  was 
in  order.  She  found  that  it  was  described  as  a  shell  about  the  size  of  an 
ordinary  wagon-wheel.  She  nursed  her  wrath  during  that  day,  and  when 
her  husband  came  home  at  night,  she  met  him  at  the  door  with  the  towel- 
roller — and  now  his  ear  is  as  big  as  an  abalone  shell,  but  it  looks  like  a 
of  pounded  beef. 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  149 


Musical. 

This  is  a  musical  community.  Through  every  night,  far  on  into  the 
small  hours  of  the  morning,  may  be  heard  the  sweet  squeak  of  the  fiddle, 
the  enchanting  tones  of  a  piano  with  a  cold  in  its  head,  the  dulcet  strains 
of  the  accordeon  and  concertina,  the  harmonious  melody  of  the  hand-organ, 
and  the  thrilling  tones  of  the  bass  drum,  occasionally  set  off  and  elaborated 
by  the  martial  strains  given  forth  by  a  brass  band.  Singing  is  usually 
added  to  the  charming  collection  of  sounds,  which,  from  the  peculiar 
acoustic  properties  of  the  canon  in  which  Austin  is  situated,  can  be  heard 
throughout  the  town ;  and  in  what  should  be  the  still  hours  of  the  night, 
voices  can  be  heard  trying  to  outscreech  a  Chinese  bagpipe,  to  the  tune  of 
"  Little  sweetheart,  come  and  kiss  me,"  or,  "  Who  will  care  for  mother 
now,"  which  tunes,  by  the  way,  don't  harmonize  very  well  with  the  bag- 
pipe's tune,  which  is  a  mile  and  a  half  long,  and  only  contains  three  notes. 
All  this  is  very  pleasant  for  people  who  have  murdered  whole  families  and 
can't  sleep,  and  instead  of  soothing  the  savage  breast  it  sets  the  Indians 
in  the  camps  on  the  surrounding  hills  to  howling  as  if  every  mother's  son 
of  them  was  laboring  under  an  attack  of  the  cramp  colic.  Then  the  cats 
and  dogs  add  their  voices  to  the  melody,  and  unmusical  people  lie  abed 
and  listen,  and  wonder  how  many  cases  of  murder  and  suicide  will  be 
reported  next  morning,  and  reflect  how  easy  it  would  be  for  them  to  bring 
in  a  verdict  of  justifiable  homicide  if  they  happened  to  get  on  a  jury  to 
try  a  man  for  killing  two  or  three  of  the  musicians. 


Turning  Over  a   New  Leaf. 

A  prominent  citizen,  who  had  fallen  into  the  habit  of  lying  in  bed  till 
a  late  hour  in  the  morning,  made  up  his  mind  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf. 
He  told  his  wife  that  it  was  a  shame  for  a  man  in  the  prime  of  life  to  be 
wasting  the  most  beautiful  hours  of  the  day  in  bed,  and  gave  her  injunc- 
tions to  awaken  him  at  six  o'clock  the  following  morning,  and  to  insist  on 
his  arising,  and  to  be  sure  not  to  let  him  fall  asleep  again.  Then  he  pic- 
tured in  glowing  colors  the  beauties  of  the  morning — how  he  would  go 
forth  from  the  house  and  take  a  morning  walk  among  the  sweet-smelling 
sagebrush,  and  drink  in  the  pure  and  health-giving  morning  air,  and  lis- 
ten to  the  music  of  the  birds,  and  come  home  vigorous  and  refreshed,  with 
that  appetite  for  breakfast  which  only  healthful  exercise  can  give.  Next 
morning  his  wife  awakened  him  promptly  on  time. 

" Thunderation,  can't  you  let  a  fellow  sleep?"  he  growled,  as  he 
turned  over  for  another  snooze. 


150  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

His  wife  was  not  to  be  discouraged,  and  persevered  in  her  efforts  to 
arouse  him,  reminding  him  of  his  directions  given  the  evening  before 
After  considerable  yawning,  and  stretching,  and  growling,  the  citizen  man« 
aged  to  get  up  and  dress  himself.  Then  he  started  out  for  his  walk.  When 
he  got  to  the  first  saloon  he  concluded  to  go  in  and  take  a  cocktail — a  man 
needed  some  little  stimulant  when  he  broke  over  old  habits  and  got  up  so 
early.  Just  one  cocktail,  and  not  another  drop  before  breakfast.  When 
he  got  inside  the  saloon  two  men  were  engaged  in  an  animated  argument 
on  the  Eastern  Question,  in  which  he  became  so  interested  that  he  forgot 
all  about  his  walk  until  it  was  time  to  go  home  to  breakfast,  and  every 
time  one  or  the  other  of  the  disputants  would  get  the  best  of  the  argu- 
ment, he  would  "  treat  the  house."  When  the  citizen  got  home  the  break- 
fast was  cold,  his  legs  unsteady,  and  his  voice  thick,  and  he  spoke  to  his 
wife  with  a  Russian  accent.  When  she  asked  him  how  he  had  enjoyed 
his  walk,  and  if  he  didn't  know  breakfast  was  cold,  and  what  made  him 
look  and  act  so  queerly,  he  said : 

"  Bin  'gaged  in  a  nanimated  scushion  er  Rooshin  war  and  tookernex- 
tracocktailertwo." 

His  wife  was  surprised  at  the  facility  with  which  he  had  learned  a 
foreign  language,  but  expressed  herself  in  effect  that  early  rising  and 
walks  before  breakfast  were  not  as  conducive  to  health  as  lying  in  bed  till 
breakfast  was  ready. 


Poker  and  Polities. 

They  were  talking  politics  and  playing  bean  poker — twenty  beans  for 
a  quarter.  There  were  three  of  them,  all  Democrats,  and  for  convenience 
we  will  call  them  Smith,  Brown,  and  Robinson.  Smith  was  dealer,  and 
while  he  was  giving  out  the  cards,  Brown  and  Robinson  were  discussing 
the  overwhelming  corruption  among  the  officials  of  the  land — and  shoving 
cards  up  their  sleeves.  The  cards  being  dealt,  Brown,  who  sat  next  to  the 
dealer,  passed,  at  the  same  time  remarking : 

"  As  I  was  sayin',  the  fearful  corruption  which  runs  through  every 
branch  of  the  public  service  is  horrifying  to  every  true  patriot ;  the  blush 
of  shame  mantles  my  cheek  when  I  think  of  Grant,  the  President  of  the 
United  States,  lending  himself  to  all  kinds  of  thievery  and  jobbery,  and 
surrounding  himself  with  a  horde  of  blood-sucking  robbers  what  are  drain- 
ing the  very  life-blood  of  the  people." 

"  It's  perfectly  awful— I  chip,"  chimed  in  Robinson,  as  he  neatly  dis- 
posed of  his  hand,  and  got  four  kings  out  of  his  sleeve. 

"I  pass  out,"  said  Smith. 

"  Just  look  at  Belknap,  and  Babcock,  and  Blame,  and  the  rest  of  them 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  151 

fellows — I  raise  you  twenty  beans,"  continued  Brown,  as  he  deftly  got 
from  his  sleeve  the  four  aces  which  "were  there  concealed. 

"  Yes,  and  think  of  Bristow  and  them  mules — le's  see :  I  call  that 
raise,  and  go  you  twenty  better,"  returned  Robinson. 

"  That  sizes  my  pile.  Just  go  back  a  few  years  in  this  Administration, 
and  ponder  on  the  Credit  Mobilyer,  the  back-pay  steal,  the  risin'  of  the 
President's  salary,  and  the  use  of  money  to  carry  elections  in  New  York ; 
such  things  as  them  were  never  heard  of  in  Andrew  Jackson's  time  or 
when  the  Democrats  was  in  power.  I  call  you — what  have  you  got  ?  "  said 
Brown. 

"  I've  got  pretty  nigh  an  invincible — here's  two  little  pair  of  kings," 
said  Robinson,  as  he  laid  his  hand  on  the  table. 

"  Oh,  I  can  just  rake  them — here's  four  bullets,"  said  Brown,  as  he 
reached  for  the  pot. 

"  Great  snakes ! "  exclaimed  Robinson,  "  you're  a  nice  pill  to  be  talking 
about  the  corruptions  of  the  Administration,  aint  you  ?  If  I  couldn't 
play  poker  honester'n  you,  I'd  never  talk  about  other  folks.  You  and  Mr. 
Smith  continue  the  game  while  I  go  out  and  rustle  some  more  soap." 


Wanted  a   Puff. 

u  Throw  your  eye  over  that ! "  shrieked -a  voice  behind  us.  And  then 
a  chunk  of  rock  was  slammed  down  on  the  table  on  which  we  were 
writing,  just  barely  missing  the  "funny-bone"  of  our  arm.  Our  first 
thought  was  that  it  was  one  of  those  fellows  come  to  inquire  "  who  wrote 
that  article,"  and  we  were  about  to  reach  for  our  trusty  mitrailleuse,  when 
the  voice  said :  "  How's  that  for  richness  ?  "  and  then  we  knew  instinct- 
ively that  it  was  a  prospector  come  to  display  a  specimen  of  a  rich  find. 
We  picked  up  the  piece  of  rock,  scanned  it  carefully,  and  then  asked  our 
visitor  where  it  came  from.  "  You  can  say  it's  an  entirely  new  deestrick," 
he  replied,  "  never  afore  trod  by  the"  foot  of  a  white  man.  I  call  it  the 
Fortunate  William.  You  see,  I  go  by  the  name  of  Lucky  Bill ;  but  that's 
too  common  and  vulgar-like  a  name  to  slap  onto  a  mine."  The  specimen 
was  composed  principally  of  granite,  with  here  and  there  a  speck  of  quartz, 
and  looked  as  if  it  would  assay  about  six  bits  a  ton.  "  What  do  you  think 
she'll  go  ? "  asked  our  visitor,  as  we  concluded  our  examination  of  the 
specimen.  We  told  him  we  were  not  a  good  judge  of  ore,  and  could  not 
form  an  estimate  of  the  value  of  the  rock  he  exhibited.  "  Wall,"  said  he, 
"  I  am  a  judge  of  ore  ;  I've  prospected  every  camp  from  Arizony  to  Moii- 
tany,  and  I  can  jest  tell  you  that  that  air  rock  won't  go  a  cent  under  ten 
thousand  dollars  to  the  ton."  Then  he  told  us  the  location  of  the  district 
in  which  his  ledge  was  situated,  declared  that  the  vein  was  a  "  well-con- 


152  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

fined  ledge,"  sixteen  feet  wide  by  actual  measurement,  free-milling  ore, 
wood  and  water  plentiful,  and  that  he  honestly  believed  it  to  be  the  second 
Comstock ;  and  concluded  by  requesting  us  to  "  give  her  a  h'ist  in  the 
paper,"  as  he  wanted  to  "  attract  the  attention  of  capitalists."  Then  he 
unbuttoned  his  shirt,  and,  thrusting  his  hand  under  the  bosom,  rummaged 
around  till  he  found  a  dilapidated  cigar,  which  he  handed  to  us,  saying: 
"  Thar,  take  that,  and  set  her  up  as  high  as  your  language  will  go."  We 
declined  the  cigar,  (because  it  was  such  a  poor  one,  and  mashed  besides) 
saying  t,hat  we  did  not  expect  remuneration  for  representing  to  the  world 
the  mineral  resources  of  Nevada,  and  particularly  of  this  section.  "  All 
right,"  he  said,  as  he  returned  the  cigar  to  the  place  whence  he  had  taken 
it ;  "  but  I  want  you  to  understand  that  I  aint  one  of  them  ducks  what 
wants  editors  to  puff  their  mines  for  nothiri*  /  thar  aint  nothin'  mean 
about  me,  and  if  you  want  the  cigar  you're  welcome  to  it."  We  again 
declined  the  proffered  gift,  and  he  left,  after  extracting  from  us  a  promise 
that  we  would  "  set  her  up  high." 


A   Sunday-School   Story. 

"  Yes,  my  boy,  to  be  virtuous  is  to  be  happy.  It  gladdens  your  old 
father's  heart  and  causes  it  to  swell  with  pride  when  he  beholds  your  name 
published  in  the  REVEILLE  as  having  attained  the  maximum  figure  awarded 
for  deportment  in  your  school.  Keep  on  in  the  pursuit  of  knowledge ; 
refrain  from  the  vile  practice  of  playing  hooky;  do  not  allow  the  example 
of  bad  boys  to  induce  you  to  throw  spit-balls  at  your  teacher ;  never,  never 
swear ;  and  you  will  grow  up  worthy  of  the  name  handed  down  to  you  by 
your  Puritan  ancestors.  Bring  me  my  slippers,  my  son,  and  I  will  hear 
you  recite  your  lessons,  and  see  what  progress  you  have  made." 

Johnny  stood  one  hundred  in  deportment  on  the  last  roll  of  honor  of 
the  Austin  Public  School,  which  shows  that  he  is  a  very  good  boy ;  and 
when  he  dropped  a  dozen  tacks  into  his  father's  slippers,  it  was  done  in  a 
fit  of  abstraction.  He  had  worked  out  several  abstruse  mathematical 
problems  on  his  slate  since  then,  and  his  mind  had  been  so  absorbed  that 
he  forgot  all  about  such  a  trivial  matter  as  a  few  tacks  in  his  father's  slip- 
pers. He  did  not  intend  to  be  around  when  the  old  man  put  on  the  slip- 
pers, but  the  circumstance  of  the  tacks  having  slipped  his  memory,  lie 
brought  and  laid  them  at  his  father's  feet  in  all  the  confiding  innocence  of 
unsuspecting  youth. 

"As  I  was  saying,  my  son — Ooch!  Owch!  Gewhilikens!  Thun- 
der'nlightnin' !  Hellfire'nbrimstone !  What'nthunder'sthat !  " 

"  Did  you  step  on  a  pin,  sir  ?  " 

" '  Step  on  a  pin ! '     I'll  pin  you,  you  young  rapscallion  of  thundera- 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  153 

tion,  you !  Come  out  here  in  the  wood-shed,  and  I'll  show  you  what  I 
stepped  on." 

Then  Johnny's  father  took  him  out  in  the  wood-shed  and  talked  to 
him,  and  the  boy  in  the  next  house  took  his  fingers  out  of  the  jar  of  jam 
in  the  pantry,  and  remarked,  "  Jersey  District  and  the  Black  Hills,  aint  he 
a-catchin'  it,  though  ?  "  And  Johnny  remarked  that  he  "  wouldn't  never 
do  it  no  more." 

Moral — The  fact  of  a  boy's  name  being  on  the  roll  of  honor  is  not  a 
sure  sign  that  he  is  truly  good. 


A  Toothache  Cure. 

Night  before  last,  a  prominent  citizen  was  awakened  from  his  peace- 
ful slumbers  by  the  pain  of  a  raging  tooth,  and  his  sympathizing  wife  told 
him  to  go  into  the  pantry  and  get  some  cloves,  and  put  three  or  four  of 
the  spices  in  the  hollow  of  the  tooth.  He  tried  to  find  the  cloves  in  the 
dark,  but  the  attempt  was  attended  with  unfortunate  consequences.  He 
knocked  over  a  pan  of  dough  which  had  been  placed  on  a  chair  in  the 
kitchen,  and  after  he  got  his  feet  out  of  the  sticky  mass  and  was  proceed- 
ing to  the  pantry,  he  suddenly  sat  down  in  a  bucket  of  slops.  He  is  a 
good-tempered  man,  but  this  circumstance  ruffled  him  and  wet  the  nether 
portion  of  his  night  garment.  But  he  was  determined  to  have  those  cloves. 
He  got  to  the  pantry,  and,  following  his  wife's  directions,  reached  for  the 
little  crock  in  the  right-hand  corner  of  the  third  shelf.  He  was  not  dis- 
couraged because  he  pulled  down  a  pitcher  of  yeast  and  a  keg  of  brine. 
It  is  true,  these  liquids  wet  his  hair  and  ran  down  his  spinal  column ;  but 
he  didn't  mind  that — he  had  the  crock.  Then  he  reached  down  into  it 
for  those  cloves,  and  his  hand  went  into  something  soft ;  he  didn't  know 
whether  it  was  preserves,  or  mustard,  or  tar,  or  jelly,  or  mud,  but  it  was 
something  very  sticky  and  soft ;  and  he  called  in  a  voice  of  suppressed  emo- 
tion for  his  wife  to  bring  a  light.  He  called  pretty  loud,  as  he  thought 
his  wife  was  asleep ;  but  she  answered  the  call  promptly,  and  when  she 
reached  him  with  the  lamp,  her  remarks  were  to  the  effect  that  he  was  a 
nice-looking  object.  She  had  not  complimented  him  in  many  years  of  their 
married  life,  and  her  words  touched  him.  "  Yes,"  he  said  sadly,  "  I'm  in 
a  hellofafix." 

After  getting  some  of  the  jelly  out  of  his  hair,  and  the  dough  scraped 
off  his  legs,  and  the  brine  washed  out  of  his  eyes,  she  said  she  guessed  she'd 
just  look  for  those  cloves  herself — "a  man  couldn't  be  trusted  to  do  any- 
thing." There  was  not  a  clove  in  the  house,  and  when  she  went  back  into 
the  bedroom  to  tell  him  he  had  better  go  to  a  dentist  and  have  that  grinder 


154  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

snaked  out,  he  said  the  bitter  experience  of  that  night  had  cured  his  tooth- 
ache. 

There  is  no  cure  for  pain  equal  to  diverting  the  thoughts  with  pleas- 
ant experiences. 


No  Quarter. 

A  man  who  looked  as  dilapidated  as  the  last  rose  of  last  summer 
went  into  a  Main  Street  saloon  this  forenoon,  and,  with  confidence  in 
human  nature  and  himself  depicted  in  his  every  movement,  strutted  to  the 
bar  and  told  the  gentlemanly  dispenser  of  stimulants  to  trot  out  some  of 
his  best  whisky.  The  bar-keeper  obeyed  the  order  with  alacrity.  Million- 
aires in  rags  are  sometimes  to  be  found  in  a  mining  country,  and  the  man 
of  bottles  and  glasses  had  learned  by  experience  never  to  despise  a  man 
because  he  wears  a  ragged  coat.  The  stranger  poured  out  and  swallowed 
a  glass  of  that  best  whisky.  Then  he  went  down  into  his  pocket  for  a 
quarter,  as  the  barkeeper  and  the  bystanders  supposed.  But  he  didn't 
bring  up  anything  but  a  piece  of  a  pocket-handkerchief  that  looked  as  if  it  had 
spent  seven  years  in  the  coal-bins  at  one  of  the  Eureka  smelting  furnaces. 
Wiping  his  mouth  and  eyes  with  the  rag,  he  drew  a  deep  sigh,  and  said 
to  the  mixer  of  drinks : 

"  Have  you  heard  about  this  terrible  war  in  Europe  ?  " 

"  Oh,  that's  too  thin,"  replied  the  barkeeper,  "  hand  out  a  quarter  for 
that  whisky,  you  old  fraud." 

"  Patience,  patience,  my  friend,"  he  said,  "  can  you  tell  me  why  I  am 
like  the  barbarian  Turk  when  he  gets  a  Russian  soldier  in  his  power  ?  " 

"  No,  I  can't,"  snapped  the  exasperated  purveyor  of  liquors. 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you.     It's  because  I  show  no  quarter." 

The  barkeeper  reached  under  the  counter  for  his  trusty  six-shooter  ; 
but  ere  he  could  bring  it  to  bear,  the  man  who  showed  no  quarter  had 
vanished  like  the  baseless  fabric  of  a  vision. 


The  V\far  and   Poker. 

The  hands  were  running  small,  and  interest  in  the  game  was  flagging, 
and  a  discussion  on  the  Russo-Turkish  war  relieved  the  tedium  of  "  ace- 
high  "  and  single  pairs,  varied  as  occasion  required  by  the  utterance  by 
the  players  of  the  technical  terms  of  the  game.  It  was  Smith's  deal,  and 
as  he  dealt  the  cards  from  the  pack  he  remarked  that  it  was  wonderful 
how  the  Turks  had  held  their  own  at  Plevna. 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  155 

"Yes,"  said  Brown,  who  was  "next  the  dealer,"  "them  Turks  is  fight- 
ers from  the  ground  up ;  I  Chipka." 

"And  I  pass,"  observed  Jones,  who  was  next  in  say. 

"  Speaking  of  Chipka  Pass,"  observed  Tompkins,  who  was  last  in  say, 
"  it  did  seem  at  first  as  if  the  Russians  was  goin'  to  warm  the  Turks  thar ; 
but  you  see  the  Turks  was  on  their  own  dunghill,  and  that  give  'em  a  big 
advantage.  I  have  my  redoubts  about  this  hand,  but  will  call  you,  and 
raise  you  five." 

"  I  Pasha  out,"  said  Smith,  as  he  threw  his  cards  on  the  table. 

The  discussion  was  now  narrowed  down  to  Brown  and  Tompkins. 
Then  the  dealer  asked  Brown  how  many  he  would  take,  and  he  said  be- 
Kars  it  was  Tompkins,  he  wouldn't  be  mean,  and  would  take  one ;  and 
when  he  was  helped,  Tompkins  asked  the  dealer  to  reinforce  his  hand 
with  four  cards.  Then  Brown  called  up  his  reserves,  and  moved  on  the 
pot  with  five  beans,  and  Tompkins  remarked  that  he  would  raise  the  siege 
twenty. 

"Aint  you  Russian  it?"  asked  Tompkins,  as  he  put  up  the  twenty, 
and  raised  Brown  the  size  of  his  pile.  Brown  rallied,  and  met  the  charge, 
and  then  they  showed  down  their  hands ;  and  Tompkins  had  two  pair  of 
deuces,  and  Brown  likewise  had  two  pair,  aces  at  the  head,  and  when 
Tompkins  took  the  pot  prisoner  Brown  said  he  would  have  to  go  into 
winter  quarters,  'cause  he  was  "  froze  out." 


Misplaced   Confidence. 

"  Suppose,"  he  said  to  the  bar-keeper,  "  suppose  you  had  four  hundred 
and  twelve  dollars  twelve  and  a  half  cents,  and,  holding  the  position  you 
do,  drawing  a  stated  salary  and  having  free  access  to  the  money-drawer, 
you  would  have  just  the  amount  of  idle  capital  represented  by  them  fig- 
gers,  wouldn't  you  ?  Now  when  a  man  has  idle  capital  what  does  he  do 
with  it  ?  Why,  he  invests  it  where  it  will  earn  something  for  itself,  don't 
he  ?  Now,  in  casting  about  for  some  place  to  put  it  where  it  will  do  the 
most  good,  he  naturally  lights  on  a  savings  bank,  as  being  something  com- 
bining safety  with  profit,  and  he  walks  up  to  the  cashier,  planks  down  his 
soap  and  says,  '  Give  me  a  bank-book ! '  And  he  walks  out,  feeling  that  his 
idle  capital  is  in  a  safe  place  and  no  longer  idle,  but  producing  something. 
Now  this  is  what  you  would  do  with  that  supposable  four  hundred  and 
twelve  dollars  and  a  half — but  being  a  bar-keeper  you  might  invest  it  in  a 
diamond  pin,  but  we're  supposing  you  don't  want  your  capital  to  remain 
idle — and  the  next  morning  you  wake  up  and  come  down  town  and  pick 
up  the  newspaper,  and  the  first  thing  that  strikes  your  eye  is  that  your 
savings  bank's  busted,  and  the  President's  gone  on  a  pleasure  trip  to  the 


156  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Sandwich  Islands,  and  you're  a  ruined  community.  Now,  the  natural  re- 
sult of  all  this  is  that  you're  a  victim  of  misplaced  confidence,  aint  it !  " 

While  the  harangue  detailed  above  was  being  delivered,  the  bar- 
keeper stood  pensively  turning  a  towel  around  the  inside  of  a  glass,  and 
answered  never  a  word  until  the  last  question  was  put ;  when  he  set  down 
the  glass  on  the  bar,  gave  it  a  twirl  with  his  fingers,  and,  looking  the  cus- 
tomer straight  in  the  eye,  said : 

"My  friend,  you  needn't  unreel  any  more  of  that  rope;  I  might  as 
well  tell  you  right  here  that  if  you  expect  to  spar  me  out  of  a  drink  on 
that  kind  of  lip,  you're  the  worst  victim  of  misplaced  confidence  between 
here  and  the  north  pole." 

"  I  might  a'knowed  it ;  sweetness  wasted  on  the  desert  air,"  was  all 
the  impecunious  one  said,  as  he  turned  sadly  away  and  started  out  to  "  try 
the  next  house." 


The  Biggest  Man  in  the  State. 

At  a  store  in  town,  yesterday,  a  large  lot  of  goods,  consisting  princi- 
pally of  heavy  groceries,  was  being  delivered  on  the  sidewalk  from  a 
freight  wagon,  when  a  strapping  young  fellow,  about  six  feet  in  height 
and  muscled  in  proportion,  came  along  and  asked  if  they  wanted  help. 
The  clerk,  who  was  superintending  the  unloading,  is  rather  a  light-waisted 
looking  individual — delicate  looking,  in  fact — but  has  had  considerable  ex- 
perience in  handling  groceries,  and  has  got  a  knack  of  chucking  around 
sacks  of  flour  and  barrels  of  sugar  with  a  perfect  looseness. 

"  Are  you  pretty  stout  ?  "  said  he  to  the  applicant  for  work. 

"  Stout!  I'm  the  biggest  man  in  the  State — why  jest  look  at  me  !  " 

"  Yes,  you  look  pretty  stout,"  replied  the  clerk,  "  but  you'll  have  to 
work  with  me.1' 

"  Work  with  you ! "  said  the  biggest  man,  and  he  curled  his  upper 
lip,  and  cast  a  glance  of  withering  scorn  at  the  slim  proportions  of  the 
clerk,  "  work  with  you  !  Jest  peel  yourself  and  start  in,  till  you  see  how 
quick  I'll  wear  you  out." 

They  went  to  work,  and  the  way  that  clerk  slung  bags  and  boxes  up 
to  the  eighth  and  ninth  tiers,  and  kept  the  store  truck  on  a  keen  jump,  was 
a  sight  for  sore  eyes.  The  biggest  man  in  the  State  weakened  early  in  the 
action,  and,  with  the  perspiration  pouring  in  streams  from  his  brow,  sat 
down  on  a  ham  and  watched  the  clerk  as  he  tossed  things  right  and  left. 

"What's  the  matter?"  said  the  clerk,  "I  hope  you  ain't  tired  al- 
ready; I'm  only  a  delicate,  sickly  sort  of  a  cuss,  and  I  ain't  tired  yet." 

"  Sick  be  damn'd !  "  retorted  the  biggest  man,  "  you're  nuthin'  more 
nor  less  than  a  donkey  engine.  I  can  hold  my  own  agi'n  muscle ;  but  I'll 
be  dog-goned  if  I  can  stand  off  steam." 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  107 

"  Young  man,"  said  the  clerk,  in  solemn  tones,  "  remember  that  the 
race  is  not  always  to  the  swift  nor  the  battle  to  the  strong ;  and  never 
again  go  around  blowing  that  you're  the  biggest  man  in  the  State." 


A  Cure  for  Hiccoughs. 

A  young  gentleman  who  attends  the  Austin  public  school  had  been 
told  that  a  sudden  shock  or  fright  would  cure  the  hiccoughs,  and  the  other 
evening,  while  he  was  studying  his  lesson  for  the  morrow  by  drawing  a 
picture  of  the  schoolmarmon  his  slate,  his  respected  progenitor  was  seized 
with  a  fit  of  hiccoughs.  The  old  gentleman  was  tilted  back  in  his  chair, 
with  his  feet  resting  on  the  top  of  the  stove,  and  the  young  hopeful  con- 
cluded to  try  the  cure  on  him.  Just  as  the  old  man  was  "  rastling  "  with 
a  heart-breaking  hie,  the  boy  jumped  up  and  yelled  "  Fire  !  "  The  old 
man  was  just  getting  out  "  cuh — cuh !  "  but  he  never  got  it  out.  He  gave  a 
jump  which  tilted  over  the  chair,  and  in  endeavoring  to  regain  his  lost 
equilibrium  his  feet  flew  up  against  a  table,  upsetting  it  and  a  student  lamp 
which  stood  on  it,  and  his  head  landed  in  the  ashes  on  the  stove  hearth. 
The  old  lady,  hearing  the  racket,  came  running  in  from  the  kitchen,  and 
tripped  over  the  old  man's  prostrate  form,  knocking  down  a  what-not  with 
a  lot  of  glass  and  China  ornaments.  When  that  boy's  father  arose  from  the 
wreck,  and  shook  the  ashes  and  splinters  of  glass  out  of  his  hair  and 
clothes,  he  was  cured  of  the  hiccoughs,  but  there  was  a  look  of  sternness 
in  his  eye  ;  the  boy  says  he  knows  it  was  a  "  stern  "  look — feelingly  "  stern," 
as  he  can  testify.  He  says  fright  is  a  splendid  cure  for  the  "  hiccups  "  ; 
but  that  the  "  stern  "  look  it  occasions  is  three  hundred  thousand  times 
worse  than  the  "  hicccups."  He  can't  play  tag  now,  as  he  says  his  mother 
has  forbidden  him,  and  he  sits  on  the  edge  of  the  seat  at  school,  and  lies  on 
his  front  when  in  bed,  and  silently  murmurs  that  the  old  man  can  hiccup 
his  consarned  old  head  off  before  he  will  ever  again  try  to  cure  him. 


The   Sausage. 

Header,  did  you  ever  stop  to  mentally  analyze  the  constituents  of 
pork  sausage ;  or  when  that  article  has  been  set  before  you,  crisp  and 
smoking  from  the  frying-pan,  have  you  trusted  to  luck  and  the  theory  that 
"  where  ignorance  is  bliss,  'twere  folly  to  be  wise  "  ?  Has  it  ever  occurred 
to  you  that  just  about  the  time  pork  sausage  begins  to  ripen,  somebody's 
dog  is  missing  ?  These  are  thoughts  which  should  commend  themselves 


158  THE  SAZEEAG  LYING    CLUB. 

to  all,  and  questions  which  every  head  of  a  family  should  propound  to 
himself  about  this  time ;  for  pork  sausage  is  in  season.  We  know  of  no 
sure  test  to  detect  the  presence  of  dog  in  sausage.  One  of  the  oldest 
expedients  is  to  whistle  to  the  sausage,  and  if  it  tries  to  wag  itself,  there 
is  dog  in  it.  But  if  the  dog  has  been  put  into  the  sausage-cutter  tail  first, 
the  vitality  of  that  member  has  been  affected,  and  the  test  won't  work. 
Some  persons  rely  on  the  presence  of  hair  in  the  sausage  as  a  means  of 
detection ;  but  this  is  merely  circumstantial  evidence,  and  therefore  entitled 
to  but  little  weight.  The  most  approved  method  of  determining  the  exact 
constituents  is  laid  down  by  Dr.  Doggonimoff,  chief  surgeon  of  the  Rus- 
sian army  in  Bulgaria,  in  the  following  formula :  Set  a  frying-pan  on  a 
hot  fire  and  lay  the  sausage  gently  in  it ;  then  prod  each  link  suddenly 
with  a  fork  to  see  if  it  will  emit  any  bark.  Let  them  fry  till  done  brown, 
then  dish  up  and  cram  them  down  your  mother-in-law's  throat,  and  if  you 
have  any  in  excess  of  her  carrying  capacity  take  them  to  some  deep 
mining  shaft  and  dump  them  in.  If,  when  they  strike  the  bottom,  a  yelp 
is  heard,  as  if  somebody  had  trod  on  a  dog's  tail,  then  there  is  canine  in 
them,  and  the  test  has  worked  to  a  charm. 


Why  They  Quit. 

A  certain  gentleman  of  this  city  has  long  been  paying  attention  to  a 
young  lady,  the  daughter  of  a  well-to-do  rancher  in  one  of  the  adjacent 
valleys ;  and  his  feelings  were  fully  reciprocated  by  the  lady,  as  she  has 
frequently  informed  several  of  her  lady  acquaintances  that  she  felt  "  a  lit- 
tle sweet  on  Jim." 

The  other  day,  Jim  paid  a  visit  to  the  ranch  where  his  Dulcinea  abid- 
eth,  in  accordance  with  an  invitation  to  "  come  over  and  stop  a  few  days." 
The  roads  were  very  muddy,  and  when  our  hero  arrived  at  the  ranch  he 
looked  like  the  last  remnants  of  a  cloud-burst.  The  lady  sympathized 
with  the  woe-begone  appearance  of  her  admirer,  feeling  flattered  that  he 
should  endure  all  this  for  her  sake,  and  exerted  herself  to  her  utmost  to 
make  him  comfortable,  preparing  an  excellent  supper,  and  giving  up  her 
own  apartment,  so  that  he  might  rest  comfortably  after  the  fatigues  of  the 
day.  In  the  morning,  before  Jim  was  astir,  the  young  lady  requested  the 
hired  man  to  go  into  the  room  and  get  Jim's  boots,  and  scrape  off  the  mud, 
and  make  them  look  presentable  against  he  should  be  ready  to  arise.  The 
hired  man  did  as  directed,  and  brought  what  he  supposed  to  be  the  boots 
into  the  kitchen,  where  the  lady  was  preparing  breakfast.  Noticing  a  pe- 
culiar odor,  the  lady  glanced  at  the  man,  when,  horror!  he  was  blacking — 
not  Jim's  boots,  but  his  socks.  She  ordered  the  man  to  return  the  pedal  en- 
velopes to  the  room,  and  sprinkled  chloride  of  lime  all  over  the  house ;  and 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  159 

when  Jim  arose  he  commenced  to  intently  examine  the  thermometer,  and 
wonder  what  had  caused  the  weather  to  turn  cold  so  suddenly.  He  ate 
his  breakfast  without  appetite,  saddled  his  horse,  and  came  to  town  ;  and 
now  he  says  he  don't  go  a  cent  on  a  girl  whose  warmth  of  affection  is  up 
to  ninety-eight  degrees  at  night  and  falls  to  zero  in  the  morning. 


Two  men  were  shoveling  snow  from  the  roof ;  they  were  absorbed  in 
their  work,  and  did  not  notice  the  people  who  passed  over  the  sidewalk  on 
which  they  were  throwing  the  snow.  First  came  along  a  little  girl ;  she 
tripped  along  gayly,  humming  to  herself  the  words  of  that  beautiful  song, 
"  Oh,  how  I  love  my  teacher."  Just  as  she  got  to  "  Oh,  how  I  love  my 

gracious ! "  two  shovelfuls  of  snow  came  kerchunk  on  her  innocent  head, 

and  she  sputtered  and  spit,  and  thought  there  was  a  snow-slide.  Then 
there  approached  a  lady  fair.  She  was  tied  back  and  had  overshoes  on, 
and  was  saying  to  herself :  "  Twenty  yards  for  the  dress;  fourteen  for  the 
overskirt ;  six  dozen  buttons — eight  and  eight's  sixteen,  and  nine's  thirty- 
three — no — le's  see Owch  !  "  A  bushel  or  so  of  snow  had  been  emptied 

down  her  back,  and  she  wriggled  and  squirmed  as  though  an  army  of  fleas 
was  making  a  forced  march  down  her  spine,  and  hurried  home  to  change 
her  clothes.  The  next  was  a  pillar  of  the  church — a  God-fearing  man,  who 
never  allows  his  lips  to  utter  guile.  He  got  a  shovelful  of  snow  square  in 
the  face,  but  he  only  rolled  his  eyes  heavenward,  and  remarked  something 
about  the  place  of  future  punishment,  and  uttered  the  name  of  his  Saviour. 
Three  or  four  small  boys  were  buried  up  by  the  snow  which  descended 
from  the  roof  by  the  shovelful,  but  that  little  matter  is  hardly  worthy  of 
mention.  They  will  probably  be  found  when  the  big  thaw  comes. 


She  was  fixed  up  in  her  prettiest,  and  had  just  started  out  to  make 
her  calls,  determined  to  let  her  lady  friends  know  that  other  people  could 
wear  new  bonnets  as  well  as  themselves.  The  man  who  was  going  to  wet 
down  the  street  with  the  hose  turned  on  the  water  just  as  she  passed  his 
store.  For  a  moment  she  did  not  know  whether  it  was  a  cloud-burst  or 
the  second  deluge;  but  when  the  man  humbly  said,  "Excuse  me,  madam," 
her  emotion  found  vent  in  words.  "  Excuse  you !  "  she  said.  "  Yes,  I'll 
excuse  you  when  you  go  down  in  your  clothes  and  bring  up  seventeen  dol- 
lars for  a  new  bonnet ;  when  you  pay  four  dollars  for  this  dress ;  when 
you  yield  up  eleven  dollars  and  a  quarter  for  this  polonaise ;  when  it  ceases 
raining  down  my  spinal  column ;  when  you  purchase  me  a  box  of  bronchial 


160  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

troches  and  a  bottle  of  cherry  pectoral  and  six  patent  mustard-plasters ; 
when  you  recognize  my  claim  to  nine  dollars  damages  for  injury  to  my 
best  and  holiest  feelings,  then  I'll  excuse  you."  The  man  told  her  to 
make  out  a  bill  of  items  and  he  would  settle  it,  if  he  had  to  sue  her  hus- 
band for  his  store  bill  to  raise  the  money. 


The  price  of  fresh  oysters  in  Austin  is  twelve  and  a  half  cents  each. 
They  were  out  walking,  and  she  remarked  that  she  had  observed  in  the 
REVEILLE  that  there  were  fresh  oysters  in  town. 

"  Do  you  read  the  papers  carefully,  my  dear  ?  "  he  asked. 

She  said  she  read  all  the  fashion  news,  and  all  the  murders,  and  the 
recipes  for  making  cup  custard  and  "floating-island,"  and  the  divorce 
cases;  but  she  would  just  like  to  know  what  all  that  had  to  do  with  oysters. 

"  Well,  you  see,  my  dear,"  said  he,  "  there's  a  terrible  contagion  broke 
out  among  the  oysters,  and  the  newspapers  are  advising  people  not  to  eat 
them ;  it  appears  that  the  bivalvular  structure  of  the  animal's  diaphragm 
has  become  affected  by  a  species  of  parasitical  conglomeration,  which,  re- 
acting on  the  vitality  of  the  muscular  forces  of  the  alimentary  canal,  pro- 
duces a  paralysis  of  the  oyster's  nervous  and  digestive  functions  to  such 
an  extent  as  to  render  it  unfit  for  human  food." 

She  said  he  was  the  best  husband  in  the  world  to  be  so  careful  of  her 
health,  an.d  she  would  go  home  and  tackle  the  cold  pork  and  cabbage  left 
from  dinner,  as  she  felt  rather  faint.  He  saw  her  home,  and  then  went  to 
the  restaurant  and  had  two  dozen  raw  and  a  bottle  of  ale ;  and  as  he 
planked  the  money  on  the  counter  in  payment  therefor,  he  remarked  that 
fresh  oysters  were  a  necessary  luxury,  but  it  was  like  swallowing  silver 
coin  to  eat  them. 


A  respectable-looking  old  gentleman,  just  arrived  from  the  Eastern 
States,  was  around  town  to-day,  trying  to  find  a  man  named  Smith.  There 
are  several  members  of  the  Smith  family  in  Austin,  so  the  old  gentleman 
experienced  some  difficulty  in  finding  the  exact  Smith  he  wanted,  and  we 
are  not  positive  that  he  has  found  him  yet.  Probably  possessed  of  the 
somewhat  prevalent  idea  that  boys  know  everything,  the  old  gentleman 
acco'sted  one,  and  addressing  him  as  "my  son,"  asked  him  if  he  knew 
anybody  in  this  town  by  the  name  of  Smith. 

"Smith?"  said  the  boy,  "which  Smith  do  you  want?  Le's  see — 
there's  Big  Smith  and  Little  Smith,  Three-fingered  Smith,  Bottle-nose 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  161 

Smith,  Cockeye  Smith,  Six-toed  Smith,  San  Joaquin  Smith,  Lying  Smith, 
Mushhead  Smith,  Jumping  Smith,  Cherokee  Smith,  One-legged  Smith, 
Fighting  Smith,  Red-headed  Smith,  Sugar-foot  Smith,  Bow-legged  Smith, 
Squaw  Smith,  Drunken  Smith,  El  Dorado  Smith,  Hungry  Smith,  and  I 
don't  know  but  maybe  one  or  two  more." 

"My  son,"  said  the  gentleman,  "the  Smith  I  am  in  search  of  pos- 
sesses to  his  name  none  of  the  heathenish  prefixes  you  have  mentioned. 
His  name  is  simply  John  Smith." 

"  All  them  fellows  is  named  John,"  screeched  the  boy,  as  he  drew  his 
six-shooter  and  ran  to  the  other  side  of  the  street  to  get  a  good  shot  at  a 
passing  Chinaman. 

The  old  gentleman  mused  for  a  moment,  and  then  walked  into  a 
blacksmith  shop  and  asked  to  see  a  city  directory. 


He  was  seedy  and  battered,  and  he  looked  "  powerful "  dry.  He  en- 
tered a  Main  Street  saloon,  and  approaching  the  bar,  said  to  the  barkeeper : 

"It's  a  good  ticket,  aint  it?" 

"  First  rate,"  replied  the  bar-keeper. 

"You  betcher  life,  them's  my  men ;  Hayes'n  Wheeler  for  me.  'Rah 
for  Hajes'n  Wheeler!  Set  out  some  o'  yer  'Publican  whisky,  barkeep !  " 

"  My  friend,"  replied  the  bar-keeper,  "  you're  a  little  off ;  this  is  a 
Democratic  house." 

"  Thunder ! "  exclaimed  the  soaker ;  "  the  Dimmycrats  aint  got  no- 
body to  holler  fur  yit,  and  I'm  as  dry  as  a  powder-horn,  and  not  a  cent 
'twixt  me  and  eternity." 

"  My  friend,"  said  the  obliging  barkeeper,  "  while  differing  with  you 
in  politics,  I  cannot  resist  your  appeal  —  help  yourself  to  some  of  this " ; 
and  he  set  out  a  glass,  and  the -bottle  of  lightning  kept  for  the  special  use 
of  "stiffs."  The  "stiff"  poured  out  a  glassful  of  the  stuff,  and  emptied 
it  into  his  throat;  and  when  he  got  through  coughing,  and  wiping  his  eyes 
on  his  coat-sleeve,  said  : 

"  I  aint  got  no  money ;  but  if  I  was  the  Comstock  ledge,  I'd  bet  my- 
self ag'in  a  Lander  Hill  razor-blade  that  them  durned  Black  Republicans 
don't  git  away  with  the  ensooin'  election." 


An  old  lady  of  this  city,  whose  daughter  reads  a  great  many  dime 
novels,  hearing  some  person  conversing  about  the  Centennial,  said  her 
Maria  ought  to  know  all  about  it,  for  she  "  just  keeps  the  whole  family 
busted  buying  them  '  Tencent-ial '  novels." 


162  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

By  a  sort  of  freemasonry  existing  between  natives  of  Missouri,  they 
recognize  each  other  as  being  from  the  same  country  "  back  thar."  One 
of  them  came  across  the  plains  in  forty-nine ;  and  the  other  is  a  grasshop- 
per sufferer,  and  lias  just  got  through  the  blockade  on  the  railroad ;  but 
they  know  the  same  Jim  Joneses,  and  Sal  Smiths,  and  Nate  Thompsons, 
and  Si  Perkinses,  and  Marier  Tompkinses,  and  other  Mary  Annses,  and 
Bills,  and  Jacks,  and  Sols,  and  Hi's.  It  was  nine  o'clock  last  night  when 
they  sat  down  by  the  stove  in  one  of  the  principal  saloons,  and  at  two 
o'clock  this  afternoon  they  were  still  telling  how  Jim  Jones  married  Mary 
Ann  Perkins  and  had  a  whole  raft  of  young  uns,  and  how  Jim  "tu'k  to 
drink,"  and  stole  horses,  and  died  with  snakes  in  his  boots;  and  how 
Squar'  Thompson  he  found  a  lead  hill  on  his  farm  and  sent  his  boys  and 
girls  to  "  collidge  " ;  and  Marier  this  ran  away  with  Bill  that,  and  divers 
and  sundry  similar  reminiscences.  In  vain  the  bar-keeper  carried  them 
glasses  of  water ;  in  vain  were  pictures  of  coffins  held  up  to  their  gaze 
in  vain  spectators  muttered  that  the  worst  death  in  the  world  is  to  be 
talked  to  death.  They  are  still  at  it,  and  it  is  expected  that  by  to-mor- 
row morning  the  forty-niner  will  be  found  cold  in  death,  with  the  grass- 
hopper sufferer,  prostrate  and  dying,  whispering  in  the  ear  of  the  corpse 


The  talking  match  mentioned  in  Saturday's  paper  continued  unti 
yesterday  morning,  when  it  was  brought  to  an  end  by  the  merciful  inter 
position  of  outsiders.  The  forty-niner  fainted  twice  during  the  night 
but  was  restored  to  consciousness  by  his  head  falling  against  the  hot  stove 
The  grasshopper  sufferer  never  showed  the  least  sign  of  weakness,  anc 
when  the  forty-niner  was  dragged  off  by  force,  the  sufferer  was  muttering 
"An'  Si  Wallace  he  got  killed  in  the  war,  and  Bill  Pearce  married  the 

wiclder,  and  the  oldest  gal  she  run  away  with "  but  two  stout  men  seizec 

and  held  him,  while  several  others  bore  the  forty-niner  from  the  scene. 


A  prominent  citizen,  as  he  calmly  watched  his  hat  wafted  toward 
Emigrant  Canon  by  the  zephyrs,  this  afternoon,  remarked  : 

"  Thar  goes  my  wife's  new  bunnit !  *' 

"  Why,  that  ain't  a  bonnet,"  remarked  a  bystander. 

"  The  blazes  it  aint ! "  replied  the  citizen,  "  d'ye  s'pose  I'm  a  Ross 
child  and  can  buy  my  wife  a  bunnit  and  myself  a  hat  both  in  the  same 
month,  and  it  two  weeks  to  pay-day,  yit  ?  " 

It  is  evident  that  some  woman  in  town  won't  get  any  new  bonnet  til 
pay-day. 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  163 

It  is  a  well-known  fact  that  caterpillars  are  numerous — so  numerous,  in 
fact,  that  they  are  everywhere.  They  invade  houses,  crawl  into  the  frying- 
pan  and  teakettle,  play  tag  on  the  piano-cover,  have  games  of  hide  and  seek 
in  gentlemen's  pants,  and  run  races  on  ladies'  striped  stockings,  taking  a 
stripe  for  a  race-course.  Last  evening  he  called  on  her.  They  sat  on  the 
porch  and  drank  in  the  beauties  of  the  gorgeous  sunset.  Their  souls  were 
in  the  far  away,  and  she  was  saying  how  she  wished  to  be  transformed 
into  a  butterfly,  to  fly  through  ethereal  space  and  bathe  her  wings  in  the 
golden-tinged  moisture  of  yonder  cloud.  They  might  have  sat  thus  in  the 
gloaming,  engaged  in  sweet  converse,  until  the  shadows  of  night  darkened 
the  earth,  and  none  can  tell  how  much  romantic  thought  she  would  have 
spoken,  had  not  their  conversation  been  brought  to  an  abrupt  termination 
by  her  feeling  something  crawling  up  her  leg.  She  made  a  wild  grab  at  the 
costly  merchandise  which  concealed  her  beauteous  limbs ;  and  then,  in 
tones  of  agony,  exclaimed  :  "  It's  smashed !  "  It  was  only  a  caterpillar, 
but  she  had  to  go  in  the  house  and  wash  her  hands  and  put  on  a  clean  pair 
of  stockings ;  and  the  young  man  went  home,  more  in  sorrow  than  in 
anger,  and  wondered  why  a  girl  should  think  a  butterfly  such  a  beautiful 
object,  and  yet  get  sick  and  scared  at  the  flattened  body  of  a  butterfly 
without  wings. 


The  publisher  of  the  National  Protestant,  a  religious  paper  published 
in  New  York,  has  heard  of  the  editor  of  the  REVEILLE.  He  knows  we  are 
a  Christian,  and  ever  ready  to  lend  a  helping  hand  to  the  cause  of  religion. 
If  he  were  not  aware  of  this,  he  would  not  have  made  the  very  modest 
request  embodied  in  a  postal-card  which  we  received  from  him  this  morn- 
ing. He  requests  us  to  subscribe  to  his  paper,  canvass  the  town  and  rustle 
up  other  subscribers,  and  furnish  his  paper  with  contributions  from  our 
"  able  pen."  The  remuneration  which  we  are  to  receive  for  these  services 
is  the  reward  of  an  approving  conscience.  We  should  like  to  oblige  the 
publisher  of  the  Protestant,  but  we  are  engaged  in  other  work  at  present ; 
we  are  bending  our  energies  to  the  propagation  of  the  Gospel  among  the 
Shoshones,  and  are  endeavoring  to  organize  a  tract  society,  and  are  devot- 
ing our  fortune  to  the  purchase  of  grub  and  clothes,  so  that  we  have 
neither  time  nor  money  to  spare  for  the  National  Protestant. 


To  show  the  power  of  mind  over  matter  no  stronger  argument  is 
needed  than  that  which  we  heard  advanced  by  a  boy  this  morning.  Said 
he  to  another  boy:  "You  needn't  be  puttin'  on  no  airs  if  yer 'is  got 
a  boughten  sled  ;  I'm  in  the  third  reader  and  you  can't  spell  '  cat '  without 
spellin'  of  it  with  a  '  k.'  " 


164  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

The  "Colonel"  was  warming  his  coat-tails  by  the  stove  at  the  Saz- 
erac.  His  nose  bore  evidence  of  successful  culture,  and  glowed  with  that 
rich  ruby  hue  which  only  a  steady  and  prolonged  worship  at  the  shrine  of 
Bacchus  can  produce.  There  was  a  "  dry  "  look  about  the  corners  of  his 
mouth,  which  was  readily  noticed  by  the  sympathizing  bar-keeper,  who 
good-naturedly  asked  the  Colonel  if  he  would  not  take  a  little  stimulant. 

"  Certainly,  certainly,  sir,"  he  replied  promptly,  as  he  briskly  stepped 
up  to  the  bar.  Pouring  out  a  tumbler  level  full  of  the  fluid,  he  tossed  it 
off,  and  as  soon  as  he  could  regain  his  breath,  assumed  a  deprecatory  tone 
and  thus  addressed  the  bar-keeper : 

"  This,  sir,  is  my  sixty-fourth  drink  to-day.  I  must  put  on  the  brakes, 
or  the  first  thing  I  know  I  shall  degenerate  into  excess.  Moderation,  sir, 
moderation,  the  grand  secret  of  health,  has  been  the  rule  of  my  life.  If 
I  had  but  one  more  drink  at  this  moment,  Richard  would  be  himself  again." 

The  subsequent  remarks  of  the  bar-keeper  indicated  that,  for  all  he 
cared,  Richard  might  remain  impersonal  till  the  day  of  judgment. 


His  complexion  denoted  him  a  full-blooded  member  of  the  race  that 
inhabit  that  section  of  God's  footstool  "where  Afric's  sunny  fountains  roll 
down  their  golden  sands,"  and  the  rest  of  his  tout  ensemble  was  that  of  an 
overloaded  pack-mule.  On  his  back  a  bundle  of  blankets,  surmounted  by 
two  pairs  of  boots ;  slung  in  front  of  him,  a  huge  bundle  ;  on  one  side  a 
carpet-sack  and  a  frying-pan ;  on  the  other  a  valise  and  a  coffee-pot ;  in  his 
right  hand  a  stick,  and  in  his  left  a  basket.  Halting  in  front  of  the  court- 
house, he  hailed  a  man  sitting  on  the  stoop  of  that  building,  and  said : 
"  Say,  boss,  which  am  de  best  hotel  in  dis  hyar  town  ?  "  The  person  ad- 
dressed told  him  that  the  International  was  reputed  to  be  the  best  house 
of  entertainment  in  Austin.  With  a  grin  that  opened  a  cavern  in  his  face, 
and  made  it  look  as  if  his  head  was  splitting  in  two  in  the  middle,  the  over- 
laden man  and  brother  resumed  his  line  of  march,  saying,  as  he  stepped 
forward  :  "  Yer  see,  boss,  I  aint  'bliged  ter  'pend  on  dese  hyar  hotels  ;  if 
der  'commodations  don't  suit  dis  hyar  chile,  I  travels  so's  I  can  organize 
myself  inter  a  fust-class  hotel  at  a  moment's  notice,  wid  an  elevator,  hot 
and  cold  water  in  every  room,  barber  shop  in  de  basement,  and  all  de 
modern  improvements." 


A  diminutive  chap,  about  four  years  of  age,  walked  into  Sower's 
store,  this  morning,  and  inquired  for  a  sled.  A  bystander  asked  him  what 
he  wanted  with  a  sled,  telling  him  there  would  be  no  snow  this  winter. 

"How  do  you  know?  "  asked  the  youngster,  "you  aint  God." 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  165 

"  What's  the  news  up  your  way  ?  "  asked  a  down-town  woman  of  an 
Upper  Austin  woman  in  a  Main  Street  store  to-day. 

"  Oh,  not  a  thing  in  the  world,"  replied  the  one  questioned ;  "you  see, 
we're  awful  quiet,  peaceable  people  up  our  way,  and  of  course  I  stay  to 
home  so  much  I  don't  know  what's  going  on,  anyhow,  'cause  I  have  so 
much  to  do  to  'tend  to  my  children,  and  the  sewing,  and  washing,  and 
cooking ;  but  they  do  say  that  Mrs.  Bustem  has  got  a  brand-new  silk  dress, 
and  nobody  knows  how  she  got  it,  and  her  husband  only  a  common  chlo- 
rider,  and  hasn't  had  a  crushing  in  four  months,  and  his  last  rock  didn't 
pay  for  milling;  and  that  Mrs.  Gabble  and  Mrs.  Tattle  has  had  the  worst 
kind  of  a  fight,  and  when  Mrs.  Tattle  made  a  grab  at  Mrs.  Gabble's  hair  it 
was  false,  and  all  came  out,  and  two-thirds  of  it  was  jute;  and  Mr.  Squeezem 
chucked  his  wife  out  of  doors  'cause  she  lammed  the  servant  girl  for  letting 
him  kiss  her  in  the  wood -shed ;  and  that  Mr.  Sinchem  drew  a  six-shooter 
on  Mr.  Bilkem  for  saying  his  wife  said  that  his  wife  couldn't  have  no  new 
bonnet  this  fall,  'cause  her  husband  was  poorer  than  Job's  turkey,  and 
couldn't  pay  ninety  cents  on  the  dollar  if  his  creditors  was  to  come  down 
on  him  to-morrow  and  sell  him  out  at  forced  sale.  Oh,  I  tell  you,  we're 
awful  peaceable  people  up  our  way ;  only  it's  tedious  living  in  a  neighbor- 
hood where  there  aint  nothing  going  on." 


In  the  REVEILLE  reporter's  wanderings  about  town  last  night,  he 
heard  a  lady  talking  across  the  street  to  a  neighbor,  thus  deliver  herself 
on  the  subject  of  scandal : 

"  Of  all  the  things  I  do  hate  in  this  world,  it's  a  scandalizing  woman. 
Now  there's  Mrs.  Jingletongue,  that  everybody  knows  isn't  a  bit  better 
than  she  ought  to  be,  and  whose  two  daughters  cut  up  so  shameful  that 
no  decent  woman  ought  to  speak  to  them,  and  whose  husband  gets  drunk, 
and  they  do  say  he  owes  for  the  grenadine  she  puts  on  so  many  airs  in 
over  her  betters.  If  I  was  to  say  mean  things  about  people  like  she  does, 
I  would  pull  my  tongue  out  by  the  roots,  the  nasty,  scandalizing,  stuck-up 
old  cat." 


A  miner  working  in  one  of  the  mines  of  Lander  Hill  bought  a  new 
bedstead,  the  other  day.  His  wife  set  it  up  in  the  bedroom,  and  the 
miner  and  the  partner  of  his  joys  and  sorrows  occupied  it  last  night  for 
the  first  time.  During  the  night  he  dreamed  he  was  working  in  a  drift, 
when  suddenly  he  heard  a  timber  snap.  Looking  up,  he  saw  that  the  mine 
was  caving  in,  and  almost  certain  death  staring  him  in  the  face.  His  only 
hope  was  to  reach  the  shaft.  Fear  lent  speed  to  his  footsteps,  and  ho 


166  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

reached  the  shaft  in  safety.  Horror !  the  cage  was  not  there !  Behind 
him  he  heard  the  snapping  of  timbers  and  the  rumble  of  great  masses  of 
falling  earth  and  rocks,  every  second  approaching  nearer.  If  he  could  but 
ring  down  the  cage  he  was  safe,  and  grasping  the  bell-wire  he  gave  a  des- 
perate pull.  There  was  a  piercing  scream,  a  snapping  and  crashing  and 
rumbling,  and  he  felt  himself  going  down,  down — till  he  stopped.  The 
slats  of  the  new  bedstead  had  broken. 

"  Am  I  dead  ?  "  asked  the  miner,  hardly  awake  and  conscious. 

"  I  wish  you  were,"  said  his  wife,  "  you've  pulled  out  every  bit  of 
hair  I  had  in  the  world,  and  I'll  have  to  go  through  life  bald-headed ;  for 
false  hair  is  going  out  of  fashion,  and  besides  it's  almost  impossible  to  get 
a  shade  to  match." 


A  prospector  passed  up  Main  Street  this  forenoon,  and  halted  his  out- 
fit at  the  watering-trough  in  front  of  the  REVEILLE  office.  Said  outfit  con- 
sisted of  a  little  two-wheeled  cart — the  body  of  the  cart  being  composed 
of  rough  pine  boards — and  a  pony  about  as  big  as  an  ordinary  sized  jack- 
rabbit.  At  the  end  of  the  cart  hung  a  blackened  tin  coffee-pot  and  a  bat- 
tered tin  pail,  and  piled  in  the  box  were  blankets,  picks,  shovels,  and  grub, 
the  whole  affair  betokening  that  it  was  a  prospector's.  Approaching  the 
owner  of  the  horse  and  cart,  we  asked  : 

"Whither  bound?" 

"Don't  know,"  he  replied,  sententiously. 

"  Where  are  you  from  ?  " 

"  Over  yonder,"  he  replied,  pointing  his  finger  toward  the  direction 
of  Washoe  County. 

"  Prospecting  ?  "  we  asked. 

"  'Spect  so,"  he  replied.  Then  glancing  up  at  the  sign  in  front  of  the 
REVEILLE  office,  he  remarked  : 

"I'd  just  like  to  see  the  shape  of  one  of  you  newspaper  fellers  that 
could  pump  my  true-inwardness  dry." 

We  gave  him  up. 


Some  little  girls  were  playing  tag  on  Court  Street  last  evening,  when 
one  of  them,  who  had  been  "tagged"  seven  times  in  succession,  got  tired, 
and  proposed  to  change  and  play  house. 

"What  kind  of  house  will  we  play?"  asked  another. 

"  Oh,  play  calling,"  replied  the  first  speaker.  "  Mary,  here,  she  can 
be  Mrs.  Brown,  and  set  on  the  step,  and  me  and  Julia  will  call  on  her,  and 
ask  her  how  she  is,  and  how  her  husband  is,  and  if  baby's  got  over  the  mea- 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TO  WN.  167 

sles,  and  tell  her  how  nice  she  looks  in  her  new  wrapper,  and  hope  it  won't 
hurt  her  much  when  she  has  that  tooth  filled.  And  then  we'll  say,  'Good 
bye,  Mrs.  Brown ;  come  and  see  us  some  time  or  other,  and  bring  the  chil- 
dren and  your  sewing;  and  you're  suck  a  stranger,  we  don't  see  half 
enough  of  you.'  And  then  me  and  Julia,  we'll  c'urtsey,  and  walk  off  a 
piece,  and  I'll  say  to  Julia,  '  Did  you  ever  see  such  a  horrid  old  fright  as 
she  looks  in  that  wrapper  ? '  and  then  Julia,  she'll  say,  '  The  idear  of  any- 
body having  false  teeth  filled ! '  and  then  I'll  say,  '  Yes,  and  what  a  homely 
lot  of  dirty  little  children  them  young  ones  of  her'n  is.'  Let's  play  it ; 
what  do  you  say?" 

There  was  unanimous  consent,  and  the  play  went  on. 


A  man  sat  for  an  hour  and  a  half  in  a  Mam  Street  saloon  this  morn- 
ing, without  saying  a  word  to  anybody,  and  then  he  arose,  faced  the  bar- 
keeper, spread  his  arms,  struck  an  attitude,  and  said : 

"  Peace,  white-robed  Peace,  again  spreads  her  wings  over  distracted 
Eu " 

But  the  bar-keeper  interrupted  him,  and  said  : 

"P.  U.  or  S.  U.l  You  got  a  drink  011  the  Silver  Bill  day  before  yes- 
terday, played  the  Chinese  question  on  me  yesterday,  want  to  ring  in 
Peace  in  Europe  to-day,  and  the  chances  are  that  to-morrow  you'll  be  try- 
ing me  on  a  disquisition  on  the  non-existence  of  a  material  Hell.  But  it 
won't  do ;  I  won't  have  it.  More  coin  and  less  hyperbole  is  my  motto 
from  this  on." 

And  then  the  man  went  into  a  corner  and  ruminated,  and  after  a 
while  he  stealthily  approached  the  bar-keeper,  and  whispered  in  his  ear  : 

U<P.  U.  or  S.  U.'  means  put  up  or  shut  up,  don't  it?" 

"You  couldn't  have  hit  it  nearer  if  you  had  guessed  for  a  thousand 
years,''  said  the  barkeeper. 

And  then  the  man  said  this  was  a  cruel  and  unfeeling  world,  where 
one's  best  and  holiest  feelings  were  trifled  with  to  an  extent  that  rendered 
life  hardly  worth  the  living. 


We  are  in  receipt  from  a  friend  in  Virginia  of  a  novel  French  con- 
trivance, called  the  "  Centennial  Telegraph."  It  consists  of  two  tin  tubes, 
with  one  end  covered  with  parchment,  to  which  is  secured  a  string  con- 
necting the  two  tubes.  It  is  operated  by  one  person  placing  the  open  end 
of  one  of  the  tubes  close  against  his  or  her  ear,  and  the  party  at  the 
other  end  of  the  string  places  the  open  end  of  the  other  tube  to  his  or  her 


168  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

mouth,  and  whispers  such  words  as  are  desired  to  be  communicated  to  the 
party  at  the  other  end  of  the  line.  While  the  persons  operating  can  dis- 
tinctly hear  and  understand  all  that  passes  over  the  line,  nobody  else  can 
hear  a  word  that  is  said.  The  string  which  forms  the  telegraph  line  is 
about  fifty  feet  in  length,  but  can  be  shortened  at  will.  This  is  a  very 
useful  invention,  and  supplies  a  want  'long  felt  by  hen  conventions  and 
ladies'  sewing  circles.  By  its  means  two  ladies  can  sit  in  opposite  corners 
of  a  room  which  is  filled  with  company,  and  exchange  their  sentiments 
about  the  other  women  present,  without  those  who  are  being  talked  about 
having  the  least  idea  of  what  is  going  on.  It  is  a  great  improvement  on 
whispering,  which  is  often  in  danger  of  being  overheard.  It  will  also  be 
found  useful  as  a  means  of  communication  between  husbands  and  servant 
girls. 


We  were  sitting  where  we  could  watch  all  his  movements.  He  came 
up  the  street  with  an  unsteady  gait,  his  legs  now  and  again  acting  contrary, 
one  foot  trying  hard  to  cross  the  path  of  the  other.  At  last  he  reached  a 
railing  that  stood  by  an  open  cellar-way,  and  here  was  a  haven  of  rest  for 
his  weary  and  Four  th-of- July-racked  soul.  He  grasped  the  railing  to 
steady  himself ;  then  gradually  his  head  sunk  down  on  the  rail,  and  there 
was  a  bending  of  the  knee-joints.  Slowly,  carefully,  he  slid  down  the  cel- 
lar stairs ;  the  bottom  step  was  reached ;  one  long  drawn  sigh,  ending  in  a 
deep  bass  snore,  and,  away  from  the  gaze  of  men  and  the  City  Marshal, 
the  tired  soul  was  at  rest — a  rest  so  perfect  that  all  the  firecrackers  on  earth 
could  not  have  recalled  him  to  the  scenes  of  unrest  of  the  day  after  the 
Fourth.  He  was  there  this  morning,  lying  on  his  back,  with  the  bright 
sun  shining  on  his  upturned  face,  and  several  blue-bottle  flies  sipping  the 
sweetness  from  his  parted  lips.  Reader,  that  man  was  once  a  little  boy, 
and  went  fishing  on  Sunday,  and  robbed  orchards  and  birds'  nests,  just 
like  many  and  many  another  innocent  boy ;  and  had  it  not  been  for  the 
demon  of  whisky,  he  might  have  grown  up  to  be  a  member  of  the  Legis- 
lature. 


A  tall,  gaunt-looking  individual,  who  at  first  and  last  glance  would  be 
taken  to  belong  to  the  noble  brotherhood  of  bull-punchers,  walked  up  to 
the  bar  in  a  Main  Street  saloon,  this  forenoon,  and  laying  down  a  smooth 
quarter,  called  for  whisky.  The  bar-keeper  set  out  the  bottle,  and  the 
customer,  crossing  his  legs,  placing  the  forefinger  of  his  left  hand  firmly 
on  his  coin,  and  grasping  the  neck  of  the  bottle  with  his  right  hand,  asked : 

"  Is  this  here  stuff  strained  ?  " 

"Strained!"  said  the  bar-keeper,  with  an  astonished  look,  "strained 
of  what?" 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  169 

"Look  a' here,  mister,"  returned  the  ox-manager,  "I've  got  an  ajid 
mother  back  in  Missoury ;  I  cum  out  here  to  make  a  stake  for  the  old  gal, 
and  I  haint  got  it  yit.  Besides,  I  was  brought  up  relijus,  and  my  old 
marm  told  me  never  to  die  till  I  was  perpared  to  face  the  music.  I  aint 
perpared  to  die ;  and  what  I  want  to  know  is,  if  the  snakes  is  strained  out 
of  them  air  whisky." 

The  bar-keeper  assured  him  that  the  snakes  were  strained  out,  and  he 
poured  the  glass  level  full  and  threw  down  the  liquid  as  if  it  was  mother's 
milk. 


Now  that  the  ground  is  covered  with  snow,  the  boy  and  his  sled  are 
as  inseparable  as  a  young  lady  and  her  newest  beau.  If  the  baby  swal- 
lows concentrated  lye,  or  runs  a  clothes-pin  up  its  nose,  and  Johnny's 
mother  says,  "  Run,  quick,  Johnny,  and  bring  the  doctor  before  that 
clothes-pin  gets  into  the  baby's  brain,"  he  has  to  drag  his  sled  out  of  the 
woodshed  and  slide  on  it  to  the  doctor's  office  ;  and  if  he  should  get  spilled 
over  a  bank  and  delayed,  the  baby  is  liable  to  die  before  the  doctor  can 
reach  it.  If  there  is  company  at  dinner,  and  it  is  suddenly  discovered 
that  "  there  aint  a  bit  of  butter  in  the  house,"  and  Tommy  is  dispatched 
to  the  store  to  get  some,  with  an  injunction  to  "  hurry  up,"  he  must,  of 
course,  haul  it  home  on  his  sled ;  and  if  he  happens  to  meet  another  boy 
he  is  sure  to  have  a  race,  in  the  excitement  of  which  he  forgets  all  about 
the  butter,  and  either  comes  home  with  it  distributed  on  the  seat  of  his 
pants,  or  it  has  slid  off  the  sled  into  the  snow.  Of  course,  Johnny  or  Tom- 
my gets  licked  for  these  little  misfortunes ;  but  the  licking  diminishes  not 
his  love  for  his  sled,  which  is  part  of  himself  so  long  as  the  snow  stays  on 
the  ground. 


Music,  besides  having  power  to  soothe  the  savage  breast,  has  the  qual- 
ity to  make  a  sleepy  man  get  up  and  howl,  and  wish  he  was  deaf.  For  in- 
stance :  Last  night  the  air  was  just  running  over  with  music.  Piano,  vio- 
lin, French  horn,  guitar,  Chinese  fiddle,  flute,  Chinese  bagpipes,  accordeon, 
violoncello,  hand-organ,  toot-horn,  musical  box,  bass-drum,  and  harmonica, 
and  vocal  renditions  of  "Pull  down  th,e  Blind,"  "Hear  me,  Norma,"  "The 
Piute  Death-Song,"  [by  the  Medicine  Man]  "  Lannigan's  Ball,"  the  "  Slave's 
Lament,"  "I  wish  she  was  my  Mother-in-Law,"  operatic  selections,  and 
"Old  Dog  Tray,"  all  being  banged,  and  scraped,  and  pounded,  and  ground, 
and  tooted,  and  howled  simultaneously,  and  shedding  harmony  on  the  air 
thicker  than  the  buzzing  of  flies  round  a  fat  infant.  The  acoustic  proper- 
ties of  the  canon  in  which  this  town  is  built  are  such  that  sound  is  carried 
to  a  great  distance  very  distinctly ;  and  a  man  lying  in  his  bunk  in  his 


170  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

cabin  on  the  summit  of  Lander  Hill  could  take  in  every  note  of  the  grand 
musical  combination  in  question.  Too  much  music  hath  charms  to  make 
a  man  savage. 


He  caught  pedro  a  good  many  times  during  the  night,  and  was  a  "  little 
off  "  when  he  got  home ;  but  he  felt  good — he  felt  poetical.  As  he  entered 
the  bed-room  some  familiar  lines  came  into  his  head,  and  on  the  impulse 
he  commenced  to  recite.  Said  he  : 

" 4  Oh  for  a  lodge  in  some  vast  wilderness,  some  boundless  contiguity 
of '" 

At  this  point  he  was  interrupted  by  his  wife,  who  remarked : 

"  I  should  think  you  belong  to  lodges  enough ;  here  you  are  a  Mason, 
and  an  Odd  Fellow,  and  a  Knight  of  Pythias,  and  a  Red  Man,  and  an 
Ancient  Hibernian,  and  a  Pioneer,  and  an  Irish-American,  and  a  Fireman, 
and  if  you  join  any  more  lodges  there  won't  be  nights  enough  in  the  week 
to  go  around.  And  riding  them  goats,  and  climbing  them  greased  poles, 
and  sleeping  in  them  coffins  unsettles  your  nerves,  and  you  come  home  ex- 
cited every  blessed  night." 

He  thought  he  was  getting  off  pretty  easy,  and  promised  her  he  would 
not  join  any  more  lodges. 


County  Assessor  Spires  discovered  a  mouse  in  his  office  in  the  court- 
house, yesterday.  Instead  of  getting  up  on  top  of  his  high  desk-stool  and 
gathering  his  skirts  about  his  ankles  and  screaming,  he  took  down  the 
assessment-roll  and  let  it  drop  on  the  mouse.  As  this  was  only  a  one- 
hundred-and-f  orty-two  quire  book,  it  merely  stunned  the  animal ;  and  as  it 
lay  on  the  floor  unconscious,  he  pounded  it  on  the  head  with  the  bullion- 
tax  book  and  Vol.  1  of  the  Compiled  Laws.  Then  he  went  out  and  got  a 
broom  and  shovel  to  remove  the  corpse,  and  just  got  back  to  the  office  in 
time  to  see  the  mouse's  tail  disappearing  in  a  hole  in  the  base-board.  The 
remarks  addressed  to  the  retreating  mouse  can  be  found  in  almost  any 
orthodox  prayer-book,  but  not  connected  in  the  exact  sequence  in  which 
Spires  framed  the  words. 


A  gentleman  having  charge  of  a  mine  in  this  vicinity  recently  invited 
a  friend  to  visit  and  inspect  the  mine.  They  descended  the  shaft  and 
passed  through  various  workings,  the  superintendent  explaining  matters 
as  they  went  along,  till  they  came  to  the  bonanza  of  the  mine. 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  171 

"  Here,  you  see,"  said  the  superintendent,  "  is  where  we  first  struck 
it.  We  run  that  cross-cut  from  yonder  drift  through  solid  granite,  with- 
out a  streak  of  quartz,  as  you  saw  ;  then  we  encountered  a  small  seam  of 
vein-matter,  and  sunk  that  little  winze ;  here  we  are ;  now  look ;  here's  the 
foot-wall ;  there's  the  hanging-wall,  and  here  we  have  our  ore.  The  streak's 
kind  of  narrow  right  here,  but  we'll  go  up  this  chute  in  a  minute,  and  — 

He  thought  his  friend  was  listening  very  intently,  and  was  surprised 
that  a  stranger  to  mining  matters  should  take  such  a  deep  interest ;  for 
during  the  entire  explanation  the  friend  had  not  said  a  word.  Turning 
around,  he  saw  that  his  friend  was  not  with  him ;  and  retracing  his  steps 
to  look  for  him,  he  found  him  stretched  out  on  the  bottom  of  a  drift,  fast 
asleep,  and  snoring  the  tune  of  Old  Hundred,  as  if  he  were  practicing  for 
the  bass  in  the  opening  chorus  at  the  Centennial. 


There  is  no  doubt  that  the  Germans,  as  a  class,  are  a  very  enterpris- 
ing people.  In  most  cases  they  come  to  this  country  poor,  and  by  dint  of 
hard  work,  perseverance,  and  economy,  establish  themselves  in  business, 
which  with  good  management  gradually  expands,  till  in  the  course  of  a 
few  years  they  are  wealthy  and  influential  citizens.  As  their  wealth  in- 
creases, they  engage  in  new  and  more  extensive  enterprises,  always  using 
their  capital  to  advantage,  and  making  every  dollar  of  it  count.  We 
are  reminded  of  this  by  the  fact  that  a  German  gentleman  of  this  city, 
who  was  born  in  the  region  of  the  historical  Black  Forest,  and  who  came 
to  Austin  poor,  and  by  industry  and  economy  has  accumulated  as  much  as 
three  hundred  dollars,  is  about  to  return  to  the  land  of  his  birth,  with  the 
intention  of  purchasing  the  Black  Forest  and  opening  a  lager-beer  garden 
therein.  We  do  not  care  to  mention  names  in  this  connection,  as  it  is  ad- 
visable that  Bismarck  and  Bill  Three  should  not  be  made  aware  of  the 
gentleman's  intention  till  the  purchase  is  completed. 


Before  they  were  married  he  used  to  tell  her  that  she  was  the  sunshine 
of  his  life,  the  one  bright  star  of  his  existence.  The  scene  shifts.  They 
are  married.  The  sunshine  of  his  life  and  the  bright  star  of  his  existence 
leaves  a  pail  of  water  standing  in  the  middle  of  the  kitchen  floor.  Tableau : 
All  is  dark  in  the  kitchen ;  he  moves  cautiously,  to  avoid  contact  with  the 
stove ;  a  wild  crash,  as  of  a  bursting  torrent ;  he  staggers  to  his  feet,  rubs 
his  shin,  groans,  and  utters  some  Scripture  quotations.  A  flash  of  light 
breaks  upon  the  scene ;  she  comes,  clad  in  robes  of  white,  and  bearing  a 
candle.  She  speaks : 


172  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  You  'ornery  old  fool,  you'll  catch  your  death  of  cold  standing  there, 
as  wet  as  a  dish-rag." 

The  sunshine  of  his  life  has  gone  out,  the  bright  star  of  his  existence 
has  faded,  and  he  mournfully  asks  : 

"  Was  there  ever  a  woman  that  had  as  much  sense  as  a  yaller  dog  ?  " 

Curtain  falls,  while  he  puts  on  dry  clothes  and  anoints  his  shins. 


A  little  boy  who  lives  in  this  city  spent  a  few  weeks  on  a  ranch  last 
summer,  where  he  witnessed  the  branding  of  a  number  of  cattle.  The 
operation  seems  to  have  greatly  impressed  him,  and  he  has  been  continually 
talking  about  it  ever  since  his  return  from  the  ranch.  A  few  days  since 
his  mother  smelt  something.  The  odor  seemed  to  come  from  the  kitchen, 
and  on  entering  that  department  of  the  domestic  economy,  she  beheld  her 
beloved  son  engaged  in  the  operation  of  branding  the  family  cat  with  the 
kitchen  poker.  He  had  the  cat  securely  tied,  and  with  the  red-hot  poker 
was  endeavoring  to  trace  his  full  name  on  its  body.  Had  he  not  been  in- 
terrupted but  been  allowed  to  carry  out  his  original  design,  the  name 
would  have  gone  clear  around  the  cat,  longitudinally,  and  its  hide  would 
have  been  pretty  much  all  brand.  The  lady  released  the  cat  from  the 
torture,  and  took  her  hopeful  son  into  a  bed-room  to  talk  to  him  about 
the  wickedness  of  cruelty  to  dumb  animals;  and  when  she  got  through 
with  him  he  thought  he  had  been  branded,  and  wondered  whether  the  cat 
wished  it  had  a  soft  pillow  on  its  chair,  like  he  did. 


A  prominent  citizen  of  Austin,  who  is  suffering  with  a  severe  cold, 
was  advised  to  put  a  mustard  plaster  on  his  breast.  He  was  not  much 
posted  on  mustard  plasters,  but  he  knows  a  good  deal  more  about  the  prop- 
erties of  mustard  now  than  he  used  to.  He  bought  a  bottle  of  mustard, 
mixed  the  contents  with  water,  spread  the  mixture  on  a  pocket-handker- 
chief, got  into  bed,  and  laid  the  plaster  on  his  breast.  In  a  few  moments 
he  fell  asleep  and  slept  soundly  for  a  couple  of  hours,  when  his  slumbers 
were  disturbed  with  horrid  dreams  of  fires  and  coal-oil  explosions.  He 
dreamed  that  while  kindling  a  fire  with  coal-oil,  the  can  exploded  and  set 
fire  to  his  breast,  and  in  the  midst  of  his  agony  he  woke  up  to  find  that  it 
wasn't  only  a  dream — there  was  considerable  reality  about  it.  He  made 
a  wild  grab  at  the  plaster,  and  flung  it  across  the  room ;  and  yesterday  he 
was  going  around  with  his  spine  arched  up  like  a  Reese  River  cow's  in  a 
snow-storm,  so  as  to  keep  his  undershirt  from  rubbing  against  his  breast, 
and  ever  and  anon  he  was  heard  to  mutter,  "  Behold,  how  great  a  matter 
a  little  fire  kindleth." 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  173 

There  can  be  no  doubt  that  the  exhortations  of  Moody  and  Sankey 
are  extremely  powerful,  and  that  the  means  used  by  them  for  the  conver- 
sion of  sinners  are  effectual;  for  they  have  actually  converted  a  bull- 
whacker.  The  convert  is  a  man  who  drove  an  ox-team  in  this  section  for 
many  years,  who  has  just  returned  from  a  visit  to  his  friends  in  the  East, 
having  left  this  place  last  fall  for  that  purpose.  We  met  him  on  the  street 
this  morning,  and  among  other  sights  which  he  related  having  seen,  he 
mentioned  Moody  and  Sankey. 

"Did  they  convert  you?"  we  asked,  jokingly,  not  for  a  moment  sup- 
posing that  a  bullwhacker  could  be  converted. 

"  You  bet  your  life  they  did,"  he  replied.  "  When  first  I  went  to  hear 
them  I  went  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  but  when  I  heard  the  preaching  and 
singing  it  made  an  impression  on  me;  I  began  to  consider  that  I  had  a 
soul  to  save ;  I  went  every  day  to  hear  them,  and  before  three  days  had 
passed,  I  wish  I  may  be  damn'd  eternally  if  they  hadn't  made  a  Christian 
of  me." 


A  seedy  customer  entered  a  restaurant  this  morning,  and  ordered 
"  the  best  in  the  house " ;  and  after  finishing  a  hearty  meal,  told  the  pro- 
prietor of  the  establishment  to  "  charge  it."  The  indignant  proprietor  said 
never  a  word,  but  his  actions  talked  louder  than  any  words  could  speak ; 
one  lunge  of  his  strong  right  foot,  and  the  customer  landed  on  the  side- 
walk. Turning  around,  and  facing  the  hash-dealer,  he  said  : 

"  My  friend,  Seligman  used  to  go  to  school  with  my  brother ;  and  when 
your  action  in  excluding  me  from  your  house  is  made  public,  it  will  raise  a 
storm  of  indignation  that  will  convulse  this  broad  land,  and  threaten  a  so- 
cial revolution." 

He  commenced  quickening  his  steps,  when  the  proprietor  called  out : 

"Jim,  fetch  that  stomach-pump  here,  quick." 

And  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  his  form  had  vanished  into  the  dim 
distance. 


A  prominent  citizen,  desiring  to  beautify  the  yard  in  front  of  his 
residence,  procured  some  slips  from  some  trees  on  the  premises  of  a  friend, 
and  planted  them.  The  directions  given  were  to  attach  each  slip  to  a 
potato  and  plant  it  in  rich  soil.  These  directions  were  followed,  but  the 
result  was,  that  the  slips  died  and  the  potatoes  flourished  like  a  green  bay 
tree.  The  potato  vines  are  now  in  blossom  in  the  midst  of  a  luxurious 
growth  of  alfalfa,  and  are  much  admired  by  visitors  to  the  gentleman's 
residence,  few  of  whom  suspect  their  real  character.  When  ladies  ask, 
"  What  kind  of  plants  are  these ? "  the  answer  is,  "  Solanum  tuberosum" 
which  is  botany  for  potato ;  and '  the  fair  inquirers  elevate  their  eyebrows 


174  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

and  say,  "  How  beautiful !  Never  saw  anything  like  it  before ;  must  be  of 
tropical  origin."  And  then  the  host  says,  "  Certainly;  it  is  very  generally 
cultivated  in  Ireland  and  other  tropical  countries." 


In  addition  to  the  ordinary  games  played  by  boys  in  other  places,  the 
boys  of  this  city  have  a  game  created  by  their  surroundings,  and  therefore 
peculiar  to  this  and  other  communities  where  the  conditions  are  similar. 
When  marbles  are  out  of  season,  when  it  is  no  longer  top-time,  when  kites 
have  lost  their  charm,  when  there  is  no  snow  for  sledding,  and  the  weather 
is  too  hot  to  play  tag  or  horse,  then  the  little  boys  play  mining.  Under 
a  bank  on  one  of  the  upper  streets,  last  evening,  we  observed  a  number  of 
little  fellows  engaged  in  this  play.  With  bits  of  wood  they  were  digging 
an  incline  into  the  bank,  and  when  they  came  to  a  piece  of  rock  they  sep- 
arated it  from  the  earth  and  put  it  in  one  of  those  thin  wooden  boxes  used 
for  packing  strawberries,  and  when  this  was  full  the  smallest  boy  would 
carry  it  off  a  piece  and  empty  it  on  the  dump.  In  reply  to  the  question, 
"  What  are  you  all  doing  here  ? "  the  little  carman  said :  "  Dittin'  out 
wock  for  de  mill." 


A  gentleman  who  runs  a  ranch  not  many  miles  from  Austin  was  in 
town  last  Sunday,  and  during  the  day  indulged  in  divers  and  sundry  games 
of  "  pedro  "  for  the  drinks,  and  when  evening  came  he  was  feeling  pretty 
comfortable,  but  somewhat  oblivious.  As  the  church-bells  commenced  to 
ring  for  divine  worship,  our  rancher  concluded  that  going  to  church  and 
hearing  a  sermon  would  be  a  good  way  to  taper  off;  and  accordingly  he 
made  his  way  to  the  sacred  edifice,  entered,  and  seated  himself  in  a  pew. 
During  the  sermon  the  minister  gave  a  glowing  description  of  heaven  and 
its  delights,  describing  it  as  a  city  paved  with  gold — its  ways  covered  with 
beautiful  foliage,  and  the  air  redolent  with  the  perfume  of  orange  blos- 
soms ;  but  in  the  midst  of  the  description,  the  congregation  were  startled 
by  our  rancher,  who,  nudging  his  next  neighbor  and  winking  knowingly, 
whispered  in  a  whisper  that  was  heard  throughout  the  church,  "  I've  been 
there;  that's  Californy" 


A  fellow-citizen  hunted  all  over  the  house  for  his  spectacles.  He  kept 
on  repeating  to  himself,  "  Don't  let  your  angry  passions  rise " ;  then  he 
kicked  over  the  rocking-chair,  and  said  "dammit."  That  didn't  bring  the 
spectacles;  so  he  went  into  the  kitchen,-and  told  his  wife  she  had  "better 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  175 

keep  an  eye  on  them  brats,  and  not  let  them  be  packing  off  everything  use- 
ful there  was  in  the  house."  "  A  man  couldn't  even  call  his  soul  his  own  " 
in  that  domicile,  he  said,  and  here  "them  cussed  young-ones"  had  carried 
off  his  spectacles,  and  perhaps  even  now  had  started  a  Lick  Observatory 
with  them  in  the  back-yard. 

"  Why,  you  old  fool,"  replied  his  patient  and  loving  wife,  "  there's 
your  spectacles  right  on  top  of  your  clumsy  old  nose." 

"  Well !  I  wish  I  may  be — transplanted  into  glory,"  was  all  he  said, 
or  words  to  that  effect. 


She  was  from  the  country,  and  she  went  into  a  Main  Street  store  and 
asked  to  look  at  some  stockings. 

"  What  number,  ma'am  ?  "  inquired  the  polite  clerk. 

u  Only  one  pair  this  time,"  she  answered,  "  but  if  I  like  them  I  may 
buy  some  more  next  time  I  come  in." 

"I  mean,  what  number  do  you  wear?"  explained  he  of  the  yard- 
stick. 

"  What  number  do  I  wear !  Young  man,  aint  you  ashamed  of  your- 
self to  ask  such  a  question?  Do  you  suppose  jest 'cause  I  live  in  the 
country  that  I  go  scooting  around  with  one  stocking  ?  The  number  I 
wear  is  two,  of  course.  Do  you  think  I'm  a  heathen,  and  do  I  hobble 
around  like  a  woman  with  only  one  leg  ?  " 

Then  the  clerk  managed  to  make  her  understand  that  he  wanted  to 
know  the  size  of  the  stockings  she  required,  and  she  said  she  guessed  about 
eleven  inches  would  do  for  the  foot,  and  as  to  the  rest  it  didn't  matter 
much. 


In  a  certain  restaurant  in  this  city,  the  proprietor  has  refrained  from 
putting  up  the  stove,  his  idea  being  to  freeze  out  the  flies.  The  tempera- 
ture of  the  room  don't  appear  to  have  as  much  effect  on  the  flies  as  it  does 
on  the  human  patrons  of  the  restaurant ;  and  at  the  breakfast  hour  this 
morning  numerous  shivering  individuals  sat  at  the  tables  with  their  forms 
encased  in  blanket  overcoats,  their  feet  in  Arctic  overshoes,  and  their  hands 
in  seal-skin  gloves.  When  the  waiter  went  around  among  the  boarders  to 
get  their  orders,  one  man  said,  "  Bring  me  a  blanket  on  toast "  ;  another 
said  he  would  take  some  flannel  cakes  for  his  feet ;  a  third  wanted  a  broiled 
buffalo  robe ;  and  still  another  called  for  a  red  pepper  smothered  in  coals. 
But  one  man  was  reasonable.  Said  he  :  "  Bring  me  anything  and  every- 
thing you've  got ;  I  owe  seven  months'  board,  and  I'll  bet  another  month's 
that  no  freeze-out  game  can't  win  with  me." 


176  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  Do  you  take  trade  dollars  at  par  ?  "  asked  a  stranger  of  a  bar-keeper 
in  a  Main  Street  saloon  this  morning. 

"  Certainly ;  take  anything,"  replied  the  accommodating  tumbler- 
slinger. 

"  Well,  then,  give  me  some  whisky,"  said  the  stranger. 

The  bar-keeper  set  out  the  bottle  and  glass,  and  the  stranger  poured 
out  and  swallowed  his  drink,  and  started  for  the  door. 

"Hold  on  there,  where's  that  trade  dollar?"  said  the  bar-keeper. 

"  Oh,  I  haven't  got  any  trade-dollars,"  replied  the  stranger,  "  I  only 
asked  if  you  took  them  at  par  for  information." 

A  shade  of  sadness  stole  over  the  bar-keeper's  face  as  he  discovered 
that  somebody  had  borrowed  the  pick-handle  he  keeps  under  the  bar  for 
such  emergencies — and  the  soda-water  bottle  that  swished  through  the  air 
only  came  within  about  six  feet  of  where  the  stranger  had  stood  the  mo- 
ment before. 


One  of  the  County  Commissioners  having  sent  a  supply  of  provisions 
to  an  "  indigent,"  was  shortly  after  accosted  by  the  individual  with  : 

"You  sent  coffee, but  not  an  ounce  of  sugar." 

"  Sugar !  "  exclaimed  the  county  dad,  "  what  in  blazes  do  you  want 
to  do  with  sugar  ?  " 

"  Sweeten  my  coffee,  of  course,"  replied  the  indigent,  "  how  in  thun- 
der do  you  suppose  I'm  going  to  drink  coffee  without  sugar  ?  " 

"  My  friend,"  returned  the  Commissioner,  "  you  don't  appear  to  be 
aware  that  Rothschild,  and  A.  T.  Stewart,  and  the  Marquis  of  Lome,  and 
Boss  Tweed,  and  Flood  &  O'Brien,  and  Dives,  and  Julius  Caesar,  and 
Billy  Sharon,  all  got  rich  by  economy  on  the  sugar  question.  Had  any  of 
these  men  indulged  in  sugar  in  their  coffee,  there  wouldn't  one  of  them 
have  a  slick  quarter  to-day.  Economy  is  wealth,  my  friend,  and  if  you 
can't  drink  coffee  without  sugar,  you'll  have  to  do  without  coffee." 


A  prominent  citizen,  on  entering  the  parlor  of  his  residence,  yester- 
day, found  lying  on  the  center-table  a  beautiful  bouquet,  pinned  to  which 
was  a  card  bearing  his  name.  Looking  about  cautiously  to  assure  himself 
that  no  person  was  in  hearing,  he  pressed  the  flowers  to  his  Roman  nose 
and  exclaimed : 

"  Who  has  sent  me  them  beautiful  flowers  ?  " 

u  That's  just  what  I'd  like  to  know,"  said  his  wife,  as  she  crawled  out 
from  under  the  sofa,  "  and  I'd  pull  every  hair  out  of  her  head  by  the  roots, 
if  I  did — the  hussy ! " 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  177 

The  neighbor  woman,  who  came  in  and  rubbed  his  head  with  arnica, 
said,  as  she  went  out : 

"  Oh,  no,  of  course  not !  How  could  you  ever  think  of  such  a  thing? 
I  aint  one  of  them  women  what  goes  around  telling  everything  I  hear ; 
you  may  be  sure  I  won't  mention  it  to  a  living  soul." 

But,  somehow  or  other,  by  last  night  the  entire  neighborhood  knew  all 
about  it. 


A  teamster  was  driving  a  ten-mule  team,  hauling  a  load  of  wood,  up 
Main  Street  to-day,  when  the  leaders  started  at  a  passing  wagon  and 
swayed  around  toward  the  sidewalk.  Instead  of  cracking  his  blacksnake 
and  using  profane  language  to  his  animals,  as  most  teamsters  would  do 
under  similar  circumstances,  the  driver  merely  remonstrated  with  them. 
Taking  the  nigh  mule  by  the  bridle,  he  led  it  around  so  as  to  straighten  the 

team,  and  whispered  in  its  ear :  " your soul  to 

nation,  if  you  ever  do  that  again  I'll  shoot  you  right  here  in  the  street." 
The  threat  seemed  to  have  an  effect  on  the  mule,  and  it  made  no  attempt 
to  repeat  the  performance  for  the  next  three  blocks 


At  tne  ball  last  night  the  floor  was  quite  sticky,  owing  to  its  having 
been  newly  waxed  and  the  wax  not  being  evenly  spread  over  and  worked 
into  the  boards.  A  prominent  citizen  who  was  present  suffered  consid- 
erable inconvenience  from  this  circumstance,  and  had  half  determined  to 
refrain  from  dancing  during  the  remainder  of  the  night,  when  he  was 
struck  with  a  happy  thought.  Approaching  his  wife,  he  asked  her  to 
waltz  with  him.  Surprised  at  such  an  unusual  condescension  from  her 
husband,  who  generally  when  he  attends  a  ball  dances  with  every  lady 
present  except  his  wife,  the  lady  asked  him  the  cause  of  such  unexpected 
gallantry  as  he  displayed  to  her  on  this  occasion.  "  Oh,"  said  he,  looking 
down  at  her  feet,  "  I  want  you  to  waltz  with  me  so  as  to  spread  this 
grease  over  the  floor."  She  didn't  dance  with  him. 


The  setting  of  the  sun  last  evening  presented  a  truly  magnificent  sight. 
The  western  sky  was  o'erspread  with  waving,  billowy  clouds,  rendered 
transcendently  beautiful  by  the  glow  of  color  from  the  reflection  of  the 
retiring  god  of  day.  Here,  a  faint  blush  of  rose  tint ;  there,  a  gorgeous 
purple  ;  beyond,  a  cloud  fringed  with  a  glitter  of  golden  color,  or  enriched 
with  the  subdued  hue  of  amber.  It  was  a  sight  to  move  the  soul  of  a 


178  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

painter  to  its  innermost  depths ;  and  to  the  poetic  mind  it  brought  the 
thought  that  even  then,  far  down  in  the  peaceful  valley,  the  reflection  of 
the  dying  day  might  be  casting  a  halo  of  glorious  light  about  the  head  of 
a  red-headed  girl  milking  a  brindle  cow,  and  that  in  the  vast  and  varied 
economy  of  nature,  even  a  red-headed  girl  may  have  her  uses. 


We  were  accosted  on  the  street  by  a  small  boy  last  evening,  who  thus 
addressed  us : 

"  Say,  mister,  will  you  put  somethin'  in  the  paper  ?  " 

"  What  is  it  you  wish  inserted  in  that  family  journal,  the  REVEILLE, 
my  son  ?  "  we  said  in  reply. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  some  of  the  boys  up  to  the  public  school  is  a-cuttin' 
the  other  fellers  out  of  their  gals." 

Poor  little  boy !  In  the  freshness  of  his  innocent  youth  he  little  knows 
that  getting  cut  out  of  a  "gal"  by  another  "feller"  is  a  sorrow  not  co&* 
fined  to  school-boys  alone.  He  does  not  dream  that  boys  of  a  largei 
growth  know  the  deep  poignancy  of  sitting  on  the  fence  and  seeing  another 
"feller"  escorting  their  heart's  idol  home  from  church.  That  boy  has 
more  to  learn  than  is  taught  in  schools. 


An  Austin  young  lady,  who  "  follows  the  fashions,"  read  in  one  of 
the  fashion  magazines  that  the  "classical"  outline  of  feminine  attire  is 
produced  by  the  following  process :  "  A  strong  elastic  is  attached  to  one 
garter,  just  above  the  knee,  carried  over  and  fastened  to  the  other  gar- 
ter ;  thus  the  length  of  the  steps  taken  by  the  wearer  is  regulated,  and  the 
classical  folds  of  the  costume  remain  undisturbed."  Not  to  be  "behind 
the  age,"  our  young  lady  rigged  the  elastic  as  directed;  and  an  old  lady 
acquaintance,  whose  house  she  passed  while  her  limbs  were  thus  fettered, 
remarked  to  her  daughter : 

"  Wai,  I  declare !  I've  knowed  Mirandy  sence  she  was  an  infant,  and 
I  never  knowed  afore  that  she  was  pigeon-toed." 


Passing  down  Main  Street,  this  morning,  we  overheard  the  following 
colloquy  between  two  little  boys,  neither  over  four  years  of  age  : 

First  Little  Boy  (anxious  to  display  his  knowledge  of  Mother  Goose) 
— "Little  Tommy  Horner,  sittin'  in  a  corner,  eatin'  a  piece  of  Chris " 

Second  Little  Boy — "  Oh,  shore,  I  know  that." 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  179 

First  Little  Boy — "  But  I  seen  him  a-eatin'  it." 

Second  Little  Boy — "  That  ain't  nuffin ;  I  seen  him  stuck  in  his  fum." 
First  Little  Boy — "  Le's  play  tag." 

Both  those  boys  will  be  eligible  as  members  of  the  Sazerac  Lying  Club 
when  they  grow  to  be  men. 


He  had  some  six  bits'  worth  of  gold  dust  in  a  small  glass  vial,  and  he 
said  it  was  some  he  had  taken  out  of  the  Black  Hills  twelve  years  ago. 

"  Why  didn't  you  stay  there  and  get  more  ?  " 

"  Oh,  the  Injuns  druv  us  out,  but  thar's  slathers  of  gold  in  that  coun- 
try, you  bet." 

"Going  back  there?" 

"  No,  thar's  too  much  of  the  yaller  thar.  Te  see,  thar's  goin'  to  be  a 
stampede,  and  they'll  rush  in  thar  and  take  out  so  much  gold  that  the  de- 
mand won't  be  ekal  to  the  supply,  and  the  discount  on  gold  will  be  so  big 
that  it  won't  pay  a  man  to  prospect  fur  it.  As  a  business  fur  steddy  foL- 
lerin',  both  gold  and  silver  minin's  gettin7  to  be  stale,  flat,  and  unprofiter- 
ble.  Whisky-straight,  ef  yer  please." 


We  have  heard  a  number  of  people  complain  that  this  has  been  a 
dull  day ;  but  we  have  failed  to  see  it.  A  freight  team  arrived ;  several 
loads  of  wood  passed  up  Main  Street ;  seventeen  dogs  were  all  barking  at 
once  at  a  cow,  on  Court  Street ;  a  woman  stubbed  her  toe  against  a  plank, 
on  Union  Street ;  a  man  dropped  a  four-bit  piece  through  a  crack  in  the 
sidewalk,  on  Cedar  Street ;  a  clothes-line  full  of  clean  linen  was  blown 
down,  on  South  Street ;  a  cat  had  fits,  on  Overland  Street ;  two  little  boys 
had  a  fight,  on  Sixth  Street ;  a  cow  ate  up  a  whole  garden,  on  Pine  Street ; 
and  there  was  a  whirlwind  on  Virginia  Street.  If  the  day  was  dull  with 
all  these  stirring  events,  we  would  like  to  see  what  some  folks  call  a  lively 
one.  But  some  men  would  say  times  were  dull  if  their  grandmother  was 
to  fall  three  thousand  feet  down  a  mining  shaft. 


A  four-year-old  hero  related  to  us  the  details  of  a  desperate  encounter 
which  a  party  of  boys  and  girls  had  with  a  lizard  on  the  hillside  this  morn- 
ing. It  is  so  thrilling  that,  in  order  to  keep  the  printers  in  copy  till  the 
telegraph  news  comes  in,  we  give  it  to  our  readers : 


180  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  I  seed  the  lizard  first,  and  all  the  girls  was  afraid.  I  f rowed  a  great 
big  stick  at  him,  and  he  wun  up  on  a  wock  and  laid  down  dead.  Then  a 
little  girl  hit  him  with  a  wock,  and  didn't  hit  him,  and  I  went  up  and  poked 
him  with  a  stick,  and  he  got  alive  again  and  wun  away,  and  we  all  wun'd 
after  him  and  he  wun  in  a  hole,  and  I  fell  down  and  skinned  my  nose,  and 
one  of  the  girls  she  lost  her  shoe  and  her  mother  spanked  her  when  she  got 
home,  and  we're  all  goin'  up  this  afternoon  to  kill  that  lizard." 


One  of  the  most  beautiful  sunsets  on  which  it  has  ever  been  our  lot 
to  gaze  decked  the  western  sky  last  evening.  It  appeared  as  an  open  sea 
viewed  from  the  shore,  the  fleecy  cloudlets  which  flecked  the  surface  seem- 
ing like  the  white  caps  of  old  ocean.  So  remarkably  brilliant  was  'the 
scene  that  it  attracted  general  notice,  and  Main  Street  was  filled  with  peo- 
ple, who  gazed  enraptured  on  the  glorious  sight,  one  lady  becoming  so 
enthusiastic  as  to  declare  that  she  would  give  seven  dollars  and  five  bits 
for  a  dress  as  gay-colored  as  that.  How  true  it  is  that  the  beauties  of  na- 
ture stir  within  our  breasts  the  noblest  and  most  exalted  thoughts  and 
aspirations ! 


Last  night  was  truly  a  glorious  night.  The  sky  was  cloudless,  and 
the  round-faced  moon  shed  its  refulgent  rays  o'er  mountain  and  valley, 
while  bright  Venus  stared  down  on  the  Citizens'  Mill  like  the  headlight  of 
a  celestial  locomotive.  The  air  was  still  as  death,  but  cold  enough  to 
freeze  the  nose  off  the  statute  of  the  Greek  Slave;  all  nature  was  hushed, 
and  no  sound  disturbed  the  stillness  save  the  rattle  of  the  stamps  of  the 
Manhattan  Mill,  and  the  cooing  of  three  or  four  dozen  gentle  tomcats.  It 
was  a  night  to  awaken  all  the  finer  feelings  of  the  human  breast,  and  to 
cause  the  reflective  mind  to  ponder  on  the  infinite  mysteries  of  nature  and 
the  cost  of  a  livery  team  for  a  moonlight  ride. 


A  young  gentleman  of  this  city  called  on  a  lady  friend  last  evening. 
At  the  time  of  his  visit  she  was  engaged  in  darning  stockings,  having  an 
egg  in  one  of  them  to  keep  the  hole  in  shape,  or  for  some  similar  purpose. 
When  the  caller  made  his  appearance,  she  hurriedly  dropped  her  work  on 
a  chair  and  invited  him  to  be  seated  ;  and,  although  he  does  not  cover  a 
great  deal  of  surface  when  he  is  seated,  he  managed  to  sit  down  on  the 
stocking  and  the  egg  and  the  darning  needle  all  at  once.  Then  he  got  up 
and  darned  the  stocking  and  the  egg  and  the  needle ;  and  when  the  pain 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  181 

had  subsided  a  little  and  he  got  the  egg  wiped  off  his  pants,  he  said  it  was 
one  of  the  richest  and  at  the  same  time  most  pointed  experiences  he  had 
ever  met  with  in  the  whole  course  of  his  long  and  eventful  career. 


An  individual  of  the  genus  "  tramp "  accosted  a  brother  last  even- 
ing on  Main  Street  with,  "  Say,  Jimmy,  let's  take  a  walk." 

"Walk! — what  do  I  want  to  walk  for?"  asked  the  other. 

"  For  exercise,  to  give  yer  an  appertite." 

"  Appertite !  Appertite !  "Well,  that's  good !  Why,  consarn  it,  I've 
got  appertite  to  throw  at  the  birds ;  I  waste  more  appertite  on  the  desert 
air  everyday  than  would  surfice  for  all  the  bloated  millionaires  in  town 
for  a  week.  If  yer  can  walk  me  up  to  a  squar'  meal  then  I'll  walk,  but 
otherwise  I  prefer  standin'  on  this  yere  corner  and  watchin'  the  chances 
for  a  drink." 


A  cruel  parent  in  this  city  placed  some  spikes,  point  upwards,  in  the 
gate  in  the  fence  fronting  his  residence.  He  forgot  to  tell  his  daughter 
about  it,  and  she  never  noticed  the  spikes  till  the  young  man  who  comes 
around  to  inquire  how  her  mother  liked  the  sermon  at  church  last  Sunday 
intimated  that  somebody  had  done  a  darned  mean  trick.  Then  she  took 
in  the  situation ;  but  the  breach  in  his  clothes  was  too  wide  to  be  bridged 
over  by  mere  words,  and  he  will  accept  of  no  explanations  till  he  can  find 
some  cloth  to  match  the  pattern  of  the  pieces  he  left  on  the  spikes.  Thus 
were  two  loving  hearts  and  one  pair  of  pants  sundered  by  the  act  of  this 
hard-hearted  father. 


An  upper  Austin  man  refuses  to  allow  his  daughter  to  attend  church 
any  more.  A  few  Sundays  ago  the  preacher  said  in  one  of  his  sermons, 
"  Love  thy  neighbor" ;  and  the  daughter  followed  the  injunction  and  fell 
in  love  with  a  young  man  who  lives  in  the  house  adjoining  her  father's, 
who  only  earns  sixty  dollars  a  month  and  board  as  engineer  of  a  wheel- 
barrow in  a  livery  stable,  and  sits  up  till  three  o'clock  in  the  morning 
playing  pedro.  The  father  says  if  the  preachers  can't  preach  any  better 
doctrine  than  for  the  girls  to  love  every  scrub  who  happens  to  live  in  the 
next  house,  he  would  rather  his  daughters  would  grow  up  without  the 
consolations  of  religion. 


182  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

A  well-known  Austinite,  while  on  a  recent  visit  to  San  Francisco, 
went  into  a  barber-shop  to  be  shaved.  The  workmen  in  the  shop  were  all 
colored  men,  and  when  one  of  them  had  shaved  him  and  was  about  to 
commence  dressing  his  hair,  the  Austinite  pointed  to  the  few  straggling 
hairs  on  the  top  of  his  head,  which  just  save  him  from  positive  baldness, 
and  told  the  barber  to  distribute  them  around  on  his  head  to  the  best  ad- 
vantage. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  man  and  brother,  stepping  off  a  step,  and  cocking  his 
eye  on  the  lonesome  looking  hairs,  "  we  is  got  to  be  ecomnomical  wid  dat 
'air  ha'r." 


A  young  lady  walking  along  Court  Street,  this  morning,  was  caught 
in  the  center  of  one  of  those  whirlwinds  which  spring  up  so  suddenly,  and 
which  are  now  so  prevalent.  She  braced  her  feet  firmly  to  the  ground, 
and  the  whirlwind  toyed  with  her  store  clothes,  the  effect  being  very 
pretty,  and  resembling  two  candles  surmounted  by  the  American  flag, 
being  spun  around  at  the  rate  of  seventeen  hundred  revolutions  a  minute. 
When  the  dust  had  cleared  away,  she  commenced  ejecting  the  granite 
from  her  mouth,  and  said  it  was  only  to  be  expected  that  when  a  whirl- 
wind wanted  to  tackle  anybody  it  would  go  for  a  poor,  weak  woman ;  it 
was  the  way  of  the  world  (wind). 


Marriage  works  many  changes  in  men.  Before  marriage  he  would 
lift  her  across  the  muddy  places  for  fear  she  would  get  her  little  tootsey- 
footseys  wet,  and  would  insist  on  carrying  her  fan  home  from  the  ball,  for 
fear  it  might  tire  her  to  carry  it  herself.  After  marriage  he  looks  on  with 
supreme  indifference  when  she  steps  into  a  mud-hole,  and  tells  her  he 
thought  her  feet  were  big  enough  to  bridge  across  it,  and  wants  to  know 
if  she  thinks  a  man  is  a  Chinaman  that  she  asks  him  to  carry  bundles 
through  the  streets.  She  is  big  enough  and  ugly  enough  to  carry  them 
herself.  This  state  of  things  does  not  prevail  in  Austin,  however. 


The  magnificent  appearance  of  the  sky  was  a  common  subject  of 
remark  last  night.  Not  a  cloud  marred  the  clear  blue  of  the  heavens,  the 
stars  shone  with  unusual  brilliance,  and  the  beauteous  moon  shed  its  soft 
light  upon  the  earth,  gilding  the  pile  of  bricks  in  the  brickyard  like  re- 
fined gold,  and  casting  a  halo  of  glory  about  the  head  of  a  red-headed 
girl  as  she  whispered  the  parting  good-night  to  the  idol  of  her  heart  up 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  183 

in  Upper  Austin,  besides  effecting  a  great  saving  of  candles  in  the  resi- 
dence of  a  prominent  citizen,  who  has  nine  marriageable  daughters  and 
who  has  just  been  sold  out  on  stocks. 


She  had  just  returned  from  a  visit  to  a  married  couple,  and  as  she 
threw  her  hat  on  the  sofa,  she  turned  up  her  nose,  put  on  a  look  of  disgust, 
and  said  :  "  If  there  is  anything  on  this  earth  that  is  hateful,  it  is  to  see 
married  people  kissing  and  hugging  and  gushing  before  folks."  Her  little 
brother  crawled  out  from  under  the  sofa,  where  he  had  been  hunting  a 
stray  marble,  and,  addressing  his  sister,  said :  "  You  and  George  is  all  the 
time  kissing  each  other  before  me ;  but  you  isn't  married  yet,  and  then  I 
s'pose  I'm  too  small  to  be  folks."  That  little  boy  told  another  little  boy 
next  morning  that  it  wasn't  always  a  sign  when  your  ear  burned  that 
somebody  was  talking  about  you. 


A  man  who  believes  that  this  is  an  era  of  conciliation  and  a  year  of 
compromises  was  out  on  Main  Street  this  morning,  trying  to  borrow  fifteen 
dollars.  One  man  told  him  times  were  too  hard;  another  said  that  all  his 
money  was  in  stocks ;  another  wanted  to  know  if  he  was  popularly  sup- 
posed to  be  a  member  of  the  Rothschild  family,  and  still  another  said  he 
wouldn't  loan  fifteen  dollars  to  a  bonanza  king.  The  would-be  borrower, 
as  he  turned  sadly  away  from  the  last  "refuse,"  said  there  must  be  some 
mistake ;  the  era  of  good  feeling  had  not  yet  arrived,  and  the  lamb  had  bet- 
ter keep  its  usual  distance  from  the  lion  for  a  year  or  two  longer. 


An  Austin  man,  who  was  visiting  in  one  of  the  adjacent  valleys  re- 
cently, tells  the  following.  He  stopped  for  the  night  at  a  ranch,  and  while 
sitting  in  front  of  the  house  with  the  rancher's  daughter,  the  planet  Mars 
rose  up  over  a  high  peak,  looking  for  a  time  like  a  fire  on  the  mountain. 
The  Austinite  contemplated  the  sight  in  silence  for  a  few  moments,  and 
then  broke  into  a  rhapsody  on  its  magnificence,  when  the  girl  interrupted 
him  by  saying : 

"  Stranger,  that  thar  aint  nothin'  but  a  star ;  we  see  it  'round  here 
frequently.  You  town  folks  ought  to  come  out  and  live  on  a  ranch,  and 
you  can  see  more  stars  than  you  can  shake  a  stick  at." 


184  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

There  was  a  mining  accident  yesterday,  which,  while  it  was  not 
attended  with  any  loss  of  life,  was  disastrous,  from  the  fact  that  an  entire 
mine  was  demolished  and  obliterated  at  one  fell  swoop.  The  miners  had 
sunk  an  incline  in  the  hill  in  the  rear  of  the  court-house,  and  had  com- 
menced drifting  from  the  bottom  of  the  incline,  to  follow  the  ledge  up  to 
the  Indian  camp,  when  suddenly,  and  without  warning,  incline  and  drift 
caved  in,  burying  the  unfortunate  miners  out  of  sight.  They  scratched 
out  with  their  hands,  and  mmediately  located  and  commenced  to  open 
another  mine.  Age  of  the  superintendent,  six  years.  The  other  miners 
are  still  of  spankable  age. 


Early  this  morning,  the  hills  surrounding  Austin  were  hid  from  view 
by  a  dense  pogonip,  but  as  the  sun  struggled  through  the  mist  over  the 
summit  of  Lander  Hill,  the  wall  of  cloud  that  enveloped  Mount  Prom- 
etheus rolled  up  like  a  huge  drop-curtain,  revealing  the  upper  slope  of  the 
mountain  clad  in  a  mantle  of  snow.  It  is  such  a  sight  as  this  that  brings 
the  human  heart  in  close  communion  with  nature,  and  instills  into  the 
soul  the  consciousness  that  there  is  another  and  a  better  land  beyond  the 
vail  of  cloud  and  mist  and  fog  that  shuts  from  view  the  roads  to  Belmont 
and  Eureka. 


A  predatory  cow  made  a  raid  on  a  clothes-line  in  Upper  Austin  last 
evening,  and  before  she  was  detected  had  succeeded  in  eating  two  frilled 
skirts,  three  lace-trimmed  chemiwhatyoucallems,  and  several  pairs  of 
striped  stockings.  As  the  cow  stumbled  down  over  an  embankment,  an 
angry  woman  could  have  been  seen  at  its  top,  waving  a  broom  in  the  air, 
and  with  an  expression  on  her  countenance  which  said,  in  language  as 
plain  as  words  could  express  it : 

"  What  wouldn't  I  give  if  I  could  cuss  like  a  man  ! " 


The  story  is  told  of  an  old  lady  who  asked  one  of  our  physicians  how 
a  certain  patient  of  his  was  getting  along,  and  when  the  Doctor  informed 
her  that  the  person  in  question  was  convalescent,  she  said : 

"  That's  rough.  Back  yander,  in  the  States,  I  knowed  two  wimmin  and 
a  crippled  boy  to  die  of  convalescent.  On  one  of  the  wimmin  it  broke  out 
all  over  her  in  a  rash,  and  it  struck  in  and  she  died  afore  you  could  bat 
your  eye.  But  she  made  a  beautiful  corpse.  They  make  nice  corpses 
when  they  die  of  that,  don't  they,  Doc  ?  " 

The  Doctor  said  he  believed  so. 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  185 

It's  "  strange,  but  true,"  that  the  industries  of  a  locality  exercise  a 
marked  influence  on  the  dreams  of  the  inhabitants.  To  illustrate :  Mr. 
Happytite  ate  a  can  of  lobster,  half  a  ham,  and  two  loaves  of  bread,  just 
before  going  to  bed,  the  other  evening,  and  he  dreamed  that  he  was  fall- 
ing down  a  shaft  seven  thousand  feet  in  depth,  that  the  cable  had  parted, 
and  the  cage  was  coming  down  after  him  at  the  rate  of  three  thousand 
miles  a  minute.  Now,  if  that  man  had  lived  in  Cincinnati,  he  would  un- 
doubtedly have  dreamed  that  he  was  a  hog,  and  was  being  salted  down  for 
use  in  the  navy. 


They  were  lovers,  but  trouble  had  arisen  between  them,  and  he  was 
about  to  bid  her  farewell,  never,  never  again  to  speak  to  her  while  life 
lasted.  He  had  but  a  few  words  to  say  at  parting,  but  in  these  were 
included  a  request  to  return  the  presents  he  had  given  her  in  happier  days, 
the  most  valuable  of  which  was  a  gold  chain  and  cross.  "  Not  much  !  " 
said  the  maiden,  as  he  preferred  the  request  for  the  return  of  the  trinket ; 
and  pointing  to  an  embroidered  motto  which  hung  in  a  frame  on  the  wall, 
and  read,  "  Simply  to  thy  cross  I  cling,"  she  observed,  "  them's  my  senti- 
ments exactly."  And  she  clung. 


A  woman  went  into  a  Main  Street  store  this  morning,  and  purchased  a 
pick-handle.  No  question  was  asked  her  by  the  polite  clerk,  and  he  did 
not  even  intimate  a  desire  to  know  if  she  was  going  prospecting.  But 
she  volunteered  the  information  that  she  intended  to  make  her  husband 
and  that  carroty-headed  old  cat  understand  that  she  was  not  dead  yet, 
even  if  she  did  have  a  consumptive  cough,  a  weeping  eye,  false  teeth,  a  big 
bunion,  and  symptoms  of  the  hip  complaint.  There  is  one  man  in  this 
town  who  will  hear  the  tocsin  of  war  sound  pretty  soon. 


Business  is  dull  with  the  doctors  as  well  as  with  other  people.  A 
prominent  physician  sat  for  several  hours  on  a  rock  to-day,  intently  watch- 
ing a  house  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street.  When  an  acquaintance 
passed  and  asked  :  "  What  are  you  camped  there  for,  Doc  ?  "  his  only  reply 
was  :  "  The  man  who  lives  in  that  house  got  a  present  of  a  box  of  green 
cucumbers  from  a  friend  in  California,  this  morning,"  and  he  resumed  his 
gaze  at  the  door,  with  an  evident  determination  to  be  on  hand  at  the  first 
indication  of  family  suffering. 


186  THE  SAZEEA  C  L  YING    CL  UB. 

The  following  touching  lines  were  written  by  a  little  girl  in  the  Austin 
public  school,  only  eleven  years  old,  and  with  warts  on  her  hands  and 
deaf  in  one  ear.  For  touching  pathos  and  deep  sentiment  they  are  equal 
to  anything  ever  written  by  Byron  or  Captain  Jack  Crawford : 

Oh,  the  flies,  the  flies,  the  horrible  flies, 
Creep  o'er  your  nose  and  tickle  your  eyes, 
Glide  up  your  neck  and  crawl  on  your  head, 
The  flies,  oh,  the  flies,  I  wish  they  were  dead  ! 


A  few  days  ago,  a  stranger  at  one  of  our  restaurants  asked  for  a  nap- 
kin at  dinner.     The  landlord  refused  to  give  him  one. 

"But,"  said  the  guest,  "that  man  at  the  other  table  has  one." 
"  That  man  is  a  regular  boarder,  and  has  just  got  back  from  San 
Francisco,  and  I  have  to  pander  to  him  for  a  day  or  so ;  but  it  won't  be  long 
before  he  will  be  wiping  his  mouth  on  the  table-cloth,  and  cleaning  his 
nails  with  a  fork,  like  the  other  gentlemen.  No,  stranger,  we  don't  allow 
any  style  here  as  a  regular  thing,  but  we  can't  help  ourselves  sometimes." 


Paradise  Valley  is  a  farming  section  of  Humboldt  County,  reached 
from  Winnemucca  over  a  stretch  of  desert  and  sagebrush.  A  traveler 
visiting  the  valley  a  short  time  since  stopped  at  a  farm-house,  and  his  host, 
pointing  out  the  country,  said : 

"  This  is  Paradise,  and  the  next  valley  beyond  here  is  Eden." 

"  Yes,"  returned  the  traveler,  "  and  it's  hell  between  here  and  Win- 
nemucca." 

It  is  by  such  remarks  as  this  that  Nevada  gets  its  reputation  for  pro- 
fanity. 


A  sure  cure  for  a  boy's  toothache  is  to  start  with  him  to  the  dentist's 
office.  The  tooth  will  cease  to  ache  when  he  gets  in  sight  of  the  dentist's 
sign.  We  witnessed  a  case  in  point  this  morning.  The  boy  said  he  hoped 
he  might  never  die  if  his  tooth  ached  one  teeny  little  bit ;  but  his  mother 
insisted  that  the  tooth  was  as  decayed  as  a  frozen  potato — as  though  the 
boy  didn't  know  about  his  own  tooth.  A  wild  shriek  of  agony  that  rent 
the  air  in  the  vicinity  of  the  dentist's  office,  a  few  moments  afterward, 
testified  that  the  fearful  forceps  had  done  their  awful  work. 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  187 

A  prominent  citizen  of  Upper  Austin  was  advised  to  take  a  "  rum- 
sweat  "  for  a  severe  cold  with  which  he  was  suffering.  The  directions  were 
to  seat  himself  on  a  cane-bottom  chair,  incase  his  form  in  blankets,  and 
let  his  wife  place  a  vessel  containing  rum  under  the  chair,  she  to  light  the 
spirit,  and  he  to  remain  on  the  chair  and  let  the  fumes  which  should  arise 
play  about  his  manly  form.  The  experiment  was  tried  a  few  evenings 
since ;  but  the  citizen  did  not  remain  on  the  chair  more  than  two  seconds 
after  the  match  was  applied  to  the  rum,  and  now  he  is  unable  to  sit  on  a 
cane-bottom  or  any  other  kind  of  a  chair,  even  with  his  clothes  on. 


A  New  York  advertising  agency  sends  the  REVEILLE  an  offer  of  ten 
shares  of  the  capital  stock  of  a  certain  gold  and  silver  reduction  company, 
and  two  cases  of  gin,  in  exchange  for  $136  worth  of  advertising.  We 
now  hold  more  corporate  shares  than  we  can  pay  assessments  on ;  and  as 
for  gin,  there  is  a  spring  on  a  mountain  near  here  that  flows  pure  Holland 
gin  at  the  rate  of  forty-two  gallons  a  minute.  If  the  agency  will  offer  us 
a  yellow  dog  and  a  dozen  bottles  of  hair  restorative  in  exchange  for  ad- 
vertising, it  may  perhaps  be  able  to  make  terms  with  us.. 


He  was  being  questioned  by  the  assessor  as  to  his  personal  property. 
"Got  any  jewelry?"  said  the  official. 
"No/' 

"No  watches,  chains,  or  silver  plate?" 
"No." 

"No  diamond  studs?" 
"  No,  nor  mares  either." 

The  assessor  thought  he  saw  a  man  running  up  the  street  to  pay  his 
poll-tax,  and  he  went  to  meet  him. 


"Are  them  Mormon  eggs,  Mister?"  asked  a  woman,  in  a  Main  Street 
grocery-store  this  morning. 

"No,  ma'am,"  said  the  polite  store-keeper ;  "since  the  exposure  of  the 
dreadful  atrocities  at  the  Mountain  Meadows,  and  the  revelations  of  the 
cruelties  practiced  by  the  Mormons,  we  have,  as  a  matter  of  principle,  quit 
importing  eggs  from  Utah." 

"  I  don't  care  nothing  about  that,"  she  replied ;  "  but  lately  them  Salt 
Lake  eggs  has  been  running  about  eight  bad  to  the  dozen." 


188  THE  SAZERAC  LYING   CLUB. 

An  Austin  young  lady  said  good  night  to  her  beau,  at  the  front 
door,  last  night,  and  went  into  a  room  where  her  sister  sat  reading  Mark 
Twain's  book,  "Tom  Sawyer." 

"What  are  you  reading,  sister?"  she  asked. 

"  Tom  Sawyer." 

"  I  don't  care  a  cent  if  he  did ;  I  guess  I've  got  a  right  to  kiss  Jim 
if  I  want  to,  and  Tom  better  mind  his  own  business." 

It  was  a  new  revelation  to  "  Sister." 


'The  season  for  hauling  wood  and  charcoal  being  about  to  set  in,  a 
saloon-keeper,  who  is  up  to  the  times,  has  invented  a  new  drink,  which  he 
calls  "  Coalburner's  Ecstacy  and  Teamster's  Rejuvenator."  One  drink  of 
it  makes  a  man  forget  all  his  earthly  troubles ;  two  drinks  make  him  think 
he's  a  smarter  man  than  Brigham  Young  ;  the  third  causes  him  to  fancy 
himself  General  Crook  on  the  war-path  against  the  Sioux ;  and  the  fourth 
is  calculated  to  land  him  in  the  august  presence  of  Justice  Logan,  with  the 
danger  of  thirty  dollars'  worth  of  "painful  duty"  staring  him  in  the  face. 


An  Austin  young  gentleman,  who  has  been  an  intimate  friend  of  a 
family  in  this  town  for  several  years  past,  was  forbidden  the  house  by  one 
of  the  young  ladies  of  the  family,  had  the  dog  set  on  him  by  the  old 
woman,  and  got  struck  in  the  back  of  the  neck  with  a  dead  cat  thrown  by 
the  youngest  boy,  simply  because  he  asked  the  young  lady  whether  this 
was  her  fourth  or  fifth  eighteenth  birthday.  The  young  lady  had  previous 
to  his  question  joyfully  remarked  to  him: 

"  I'm  eighteen  to-day ;  just  think  of  it !  " 


"I  believe  you're  traveling  the  straight  road  to  hell,"  said  a  pious 
church  member  to  his  wife,  in  the  presence  of  witnesses,  last  night. 
"  Finery  and  furbelows  are  vanities  of  the  spirit  as  well  as  of  the  flesh ; 
besides,  stocks  are  down,  and  I  lost  six  dollars  and  six  bits  playing  pedro 
for  the  drinks  night  afore  last,  and  you'll  have  to  wait  till  next  fall  before 
you  can  get  that  spring  bonnet,  unless  you  can  find  some  other  dog-goned 
fool  to  pay  for  it."  She  said  she  would  go  home  to  her  mother  if  she  only 
had  money  enough  to  pay  her  fare  to  the  interior  of  York  State. 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TO  WN.  189 

A  poor  man  applied  to  a  citizen  for  relief  to-day,  and  was  referred  to 
the  woodpile.  The  unfortunate  individual  declined  to  tackle  the  saw  and 
ax,  on  the  ground  that  Friday  is  an  unlucky  day,  and  that  he  would  rather 
starve  to  death  than  take  chances  of  spoiling  his  luck.  He  said  he  had  a 
rich  aunt  back  in  the  States,  and  would  cut  off  his  finger-nails  or  wash  his 
face  before  he  would  risk  losing  her  fortune  at  her  death  by  commencing 
an  industrial  enterprise  on  an  unlucky  day. 


A  little  boy  was  noticed  standing  on  the  sidewalk  on  Main  Street  this 
morning,  and  crying  bitterly. 

"  What's  the  matter,  sonny  ?  "  asked  a  gentleman  who  was  passing. 

"  Matter !  Matter  enough,  I  should  say !  Dad's  got  busted  on  stocks, 
mother's  got  the  neural jy  so  bad  she  couldn't  cook  breakfast,  sister's  run 
off  with  a  bull  whacker,  baby's  swallowed  my  top,  and  I've  got  a  short  bit 
so  far  down  this  here  crack  in  the  sidewalk  that  a  feller  with  sixteen  eyes 
in  his  head  couldn't  see  one  edge  of  it.  Thatfs  what's  the  matter! " 


An  Austin  gentleman,  who  served  through  the  war  of  the  rebellion, 
told  his  wife  that  the  30th  of  this  month  will  be  Decoration  Day. 

"  I  hope,  then,"  she  said,  "  you  will  decorate  me  with  a  new  bonnet." 

"My  dear,"  he  replied, '« this  is  a  year  of  compromises  ;  I'll  compro- 
mise on  ten  yards  of  calico." 

The  spirit  in  which  this  offer  was  met  has  convinced  him  that  the  era 
of  good  feeling  has  not  yet  arrived,  and  he  thinks  he  will  adopt  a  policy 
of  conciliation. 


A  correspondent  asks  us  if  it  is  in  violation  of  the  rules  of  the  Orders 
of  Good  Templars  or  Red  Cross  to  eat  mince-pie.  We  don't  know  ;  but 
we  saw  a  young  man  resting  himself  on  the  curb  on  Main  Street  the  other 
evening,  who  said  he  had  been  eating  mince-pie,  and  it  didn't  agree  with 
him.  We  have  seen  exactly  the  same  effect  produced  by  whisky ;  but  this 
young  man  assured  us  that  he  belonged  to  the  Red  Cross.  We  never 
knew  before  that  mince-pie  could  maker  a  fellow  so  tired. 


A  gentleman  walking  along  Main  Street  in  company  with  his  wife, 
last  evening,  was  lost  in  admiration  of  the  beauty  of  the  sky,  and  was 
uttering  such  exclamations  as:  " How  beautiful ! "  "Aint  she  perfectly 


190  THE  SAZEEAG  LYING    CLUB. 

gorgeous  ! "  "  What  a  grand  and  magnificent  sight ! "  "  How  beautiful 
are  thy  works,  O  Nature !  "  when  his  rapture  was  interrupted  by  his 
better  half  ejaculating:  "  Oh,  dry  up,  and  come  in  here  and  plank  out 
three  and  a  half  for  a  pair  of  shoes  for  Johnny." 


An  Austin  young  lady  was  complaining  to  a  gentleman  friend  that 
some  work  which  she  was  compelled  to  do  was  very  tiresome,  from  the 
fact  that  she  had  no  assistance  in  it  and  it  took  nearly  all  her  time. 

"  You  ought  to  have  a  change  of  shifts,"  said  the  gentleman. 

He  is  now  wondering  what  made  her  mad,  and  she  has  ceased  think- 
ing that  he  wandered  from  the  subject,  since  she  has  learned  the  significa- 
tion of  the  word  shift,  in  mining  parlance. 


Two  little  boys  on  Main  Street : 

"  Say,  Johnny,  is  yer  goin'  to  church  to-night  ?  " 

"No;  are  you?" 

"  Bet  yer  life  I  is ;  there's  a  whole  lot  of  folks  goin'  to  be  confined, 
and  I  want  to  see  what  it's  like." 

We  suppose  the  little  boy  had  reference  to  the  fact  that  a  number  of 
ladies  and  gentlemen  were  to  be  "  confirmed." 


How  man's  boasted  superiority  fades  before  the  reflection  that  the 
howling  of  one  little,  insignificant  dog  can  upset  the  nerves  of  all  the  old 
maids  within  sound  of  its  voice,  and  cause  stern-vis'aged  men,  who  would 
face  an  empty  cannon  without  blanching,  to  kick  off  the  covers,  and  sit 
upright  in  bed,  and  curse  and  swear  till  the  air  of  the  room  is  one  sheet 
of  blue  flame  !  There  was  that  kind  of  a  dog  in  the  Pound  last  night,  and 
it  kept  up  its  doleful  wail  for  seven  hours  without  stopping  to  take  breath. 


"  My  husband  is  my  idol,"  observed  Mrs.  Rubyrock  to  Mrs.  Battery- 
stamp,  at  a  recent  hen  convention  in  this  city. 

"  Well,"  returned  Mrs.  B.,  "  if  he's  any  more  idle  than  my  old  man 
I'd  just  like  to  see  the  shape  of  him.  Why,  my  husband  is  that  lazy  that 
if  he  saw  a  twenty-dollar  piece  a-laying  in  the  big  road,  he'd  lay  down  along- 
side of  it  and  go  to  sleep  till  I  came  along  to  pick  it  up  for  him." 

The  other  woman  said  that  was  not  her  ideal  of  what  a  man  should  be. 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  191 

The  stars  shone  brightly,  last  night,  and  the  pale  light  of  the  moon 
shed  a  luster  on  their  humble  cottage,  as,  leaning  on  her  husband's  arm, 
she  stood  in  the  open  door,  and  casting  her  eyes  heavenward  said : 

"  Dearest,  how  beautiful  the  heavens  look ;  oh,  how  I  love  to  gaze  up 
into  the  blue  vault  and  watch  the  tiny,  twinkling  stars,  which  shine  like  so 
many  jewels  in Oh !  you  nasty,  careless  brute  !  " 

He  had  pulled  the  door  to,  and  her  thumb  was  in  the  crack. 


A  little  boy,  chasing  grasshoppers  on  Main  Street  this  morning, 
pounced  on  and  picked  up  a  bee  by  mistake  for  a  hopper.  The  boy  let  go 
before  the  bee  did,  but  as  the  bee  soared  away  heavenward,  the  boy  com- 
menced to  cry,  and  when  asked  what  ailed  him,  he  whined  out  between 
his  sobs: 

"  I  picked  up  a  hot  grasshopper,  and  it  burns  wuss'n  bein'  spanked 
with  an  old  slipper  with  fourteen  holes  in  the  sole  of  it." 


In  a  Main  Street  saloon,  last  evening,  we  overheard  a  miner  telling 
one  of  his  friends  that  his  wages  had  an  ornament  on  them. 

"  How's  that  ?  "  asked  his  friend. 

"  Well,  you  see,"  replied  the  miner,  "  a  fellow  I  owed  a  little  money 
to,  put  a  garnishment  on  my  wages,  and  I  looked  in  the  dictionary  and 
found  that  the  definition  of  garnishment  is  an  ornament,  or  ornamenta- 


A  charcoal  teamster  stopped  his  team  in  front  of  a  popular  Main 
Street  saloon  this  morning,  and  went  into  the  saloon  to  get  a  drink.  The 
bar-keeper  happened  to  be  playing  a  game  of  billiards  at  the  rear  end  of 
the  saloon,  and  there  was  nobody  behind  the  bar ;  and  when  the  teamster 
saw  his  own  image  reflected  in  the  big  mirror  on  the  wall  back  of  the  bar, 
he  turned  away,  and  said  he  wished  he  might  be  blowed  if  he  was  going 
to  drink  in  any  saloon  where  they  had  a  nigger  for  a  bar-keeper. 


We  overheard  the  following  dialogue  between  two  small  boys,  on 
Main  Street,  this  forenoon  : 

"  Johnny,  you's  on  the  roll  of  honor  this  time,  isn't  yer  ?  " 


.==  . 


192  THE  SAZEEAO  LYING    CLUB. 

"Bet  yer  life.' 

"It's  the  fust  time  since  you've  bin  goin'  to  school,  isn't  it?  " 
"  Yes,  but  yer  better  bet  yer  boots,  I  went  through  like  a  dose  of  salts 
this  time." 


"We  received  this  morning  from  a  Philadelphia  publishing  house  a 
printed  list  of  questions  about  Austin,  with  a  polite  request  that  we  would 
write  answers  to  the  questions  and  return  the  list  to  the  parties  sending 
it.  One  of  the  questions  was :  "  What  are  the  manufactures  of  Austin  ?  " 
The  only  reply  we  could  truthfully  make  to  this  question  was  :  "  Silver 
bricks  and  children." 


A  cynical  young  man,  who  has  been  taking  items  on  clothes-lines, 
declares  that  the  reason  the  ladies  put  lace  and  embroidery  on  their  under- 
fixin's  is  that  they  may  hang  them  on  the  line  as  an  evidence  to  the  woman 
in  the  next  house,  or  across  the  street,  that  they  can  afford  just  as  good 
clothes  as  anybody,  and  are  not  so  poor  as  to  be  obliged  to  wear  under- 
clothes made  of  000  canvas,  like  some  folks  they  know  of. 


There  is  no  living  creature  so  helpless  as  is  man.  We  were  led  into 
this  train  of  thought  by  seeing  a  colt  scratch  its  nose  with  its  off  hind-foot 
to-day ;  and  the  chapter  thus  opened  in  nature's  book  led  us  along  the 
thread  of  reflection  till  we  thought  how  man,  with  all  his  boasted  power 
and  superior  intelligence,  cannot  scratch  his  own  back,  or  see  for  himself 
whether  a  boil  on  the  back  of  his  neck  is  coming  to  a  head. 


She  was  obliged  to  lift  her  dress  as  she  crossed  Main  Street,  as  the 
street  was  muddy  and  she  had  on  striped  stockings.  They  were  yellow 
stripes  and  green,  and  looked  like  a  lot  of  crawling  snakes ;  and  a  promi- 
nent citizen  gazed  on  them  in  horror  as  he  remarked,  "  Jehosaphat,  I  never 
had  'em  that  bad  before,"  and  right  there  he  registered  a  vow  that  he 
would  join  the  Murphy  movement  at  its  next  meeting. 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  193 

A  German  gentleman  residing  in  this  city  has  received  a  letter  from 
his  aged  father  in  Germany,  stating  that  the  American  potato  bugs,  which 
are  visiting  that  country,  are  already  able  to  converse  fluently  in  the  Ger- 
man language.  The  visitors  are  thought  so  much  of  in  the  German  Em- 
pire, that  the  government  has  had  their  pictures  taken,  and  distributed 
in  every  household  in  the  rural  districts. 


"What's  flour  to-day?"  she  asked  in  a  Main  Street  grocery  store. 
"Eight  dollars,  ma'am,"  replied  the  polite  store-keeper.  "Flour's  riz,  aint 
it  ?  "  she  asked.  "  Yes,  ma'am,  flour's  gone  up."  <{  What  makes  flour 
raise?"  she  questioned.  "Yeast,  ma'am,"  he  replied.  She  went  out,  and 
going  to  another  store  ordered  a  sack  of  flour,  and  told  the  store-keeper 
that  that  man  over  to  the  other  store  was  too  smart  to  live  long. 


Two  little  boys  were  quarreling  in  front  of  the  court-house  this  morn- 
ing,  when  one  said  to  the  other : 

"  Your  father  aint  got  no  wood  contract,  like  mine  has/' 

"  I  don't  care  if  he  haint,"  replied  the  other  ;  "  your  mother  aint  got 
no  carbuncle  on  her  neck,  neither ;  and  mine  has." 

This  was  a  clincher. 


A  prominent  citizen  remarked,  in  a  Main  Street  saloon,  this  morning, 
that  this  town  is  so  distressingly  quiet  that  it  must  be  an  immense  labor 
for  the  reporter  of  the  REVEILLE  to  think  up  lies  to  put  in  the  paper. 
While  we  repel  with  scorn  the  insinuation  that  we  would  give  publication 
to  a  lie  in  the  columns  of  the  REVEILLE,  we  admit  that  facts  on  which  to 
base  local  items  are  as  scarce  as  preachers  at  a  horse-race. 


The  earlier  birds  of  the  season,  such  as  caterpillars,  stink-bugs,  mos- 
quito-hawks, and  grasshoppers,  have  given  way  to  large  brown  beetles, 
which  are  now  quite  numerous.  When  one  of  these  insects  lights  on 
the  back  of  a  young  lady's  neck,  the  neighbors  all  say  : 

"The  presumption  of  that  hussy!     The  idea  of  her  trying  to  sing 

Italian  opera!" 
13 


194  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Last  evening  was  a  beautiful  one  ;  the  sky  was  clear,  the  stars  twin- 
kled brightly,  and  the  crescent-shaped  moon,  as  it  rose  over  the  hill-tops, 
cast  a  mellow  light  on  the  Indian  wickiups,  reflecting  the  profiles  of  the 
beautiful  squaws  against  the  star-lit  sky,  and  giving  them  the  appearance 
of  ghostly  forms  arisen  from  the  dead  to  taunt  mortality  with  the  fickle- 
ness of  earthly  life.  It  was  a  poor  evening  for  stage-robbers  and  cats. 


A  wee  little  bit  of  feminine  humanity  was  taken  to  a  certain  church 
in  this  town,  last  Sunday.  It  was  her  first  visit,  and  she  kept  as  still  as  a 
mice,  but  took  in  all  the  surroundings  with  wide-eyed  wonder.  When 
she  got  home,  somebody  asked  her  what  she  had  seen  at  church,  to  which 
she  replied :  "  I  seed  a  man  wiz  his  night-down  on ;  but  he  didn't  doe  to 


s'eep." 


A  single  lady,  whose  sands  of  life  are  beginning  to  run  low,  while 
recounting  to  a  friend  one  of  the  sorrows  of  her  early  life — the  loss  of  the 
only  lover  she  was  ever  blessed  with — was  told  by  the  friend : 

"  Never  mind,  there  are  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  were  caught." 
"  Yes,"  replied  the  disconsolate  one,  "  but  it  takes  fresher  bait  than  I 
am  to  catch  them." 


The  young  gentleman  that  called  on  a  young  lady  the  other  evening, 
and  was  invited  into  the  kitchen,  asserts  that  he  had  no  intention  of  steal- 
ing the  chair  he  was  sitting  on.  He  says  he  didn't  know  the  varnish  wasn't 
dry,  and  he  thinks  it's  trifling  with  a  man's  noblest  feelings,  and  making  a 
direct  attack  on  his  heart-strings,  to  allow  him  to  ruin  a  pair  of  eight-dollar 
store  pants  in  such  a  manner. 


A  Boston  lady,  who  had  recently  arrived  in  Austin,  told  a  young  man 
who  works  in  the  mines  that  she  could  indulge  in  the  ecstacy  of  osculation 
with  an  adult  male  of  the  genus  homo  with  feelings  of  gratification  anal- 
ogical to  quaffing  the  nectar  of  the  gods ;  and  after  he  had  consulted  the 
authorities  he  was  mad  at  himself  because  he  had  not  kissed  her. 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  190 

She  was  a  young  lady  from  Reese  River  Valley,  and  her  beau  treated 
her  to  ice  cream  in  one  of  the  restaurants.  She  tried  to  eat  the  cream 
with  a  knife  and  fork,  and  because  she  did  not  succeed,  said  it  was  the 
most  "  unsatisf  yin'  truck"  she  "ever  seed,"  and  asked  the  waiter  if  he 
wouldn't  please  warm  it  up  a  little. 


A  young  lady  who  went  on  an  excursion  to  the  country,  yesterday, 
had  both  her  pleasure  and  a  beautiful  pull-back  dress  ruined,  just  because 
a  little  boy  hollered  "  snakes !  "  And  then  the  little  boy  went  home  and 
told  his  mother  that  "  that  'air  gal's"  legs  were  painted.  The  poor  little 
innocent  had  seen  striped  stockings  for  the  first  time  in  his  young  life. 


A  lady  passed  down  Main  Street  this  morning,  tied  back  so  tightly 
that  she  could  only  step  about  three  inches  at  a  step.  A  man  of  horsey 
mien  and  air,  who  was  standing  on  the  sidewalk,  eyed  her  intently  for  a 
few  moments,  and  then  turned  to  a  bystander  and  asked  "  if  that  critter 
was  hobbled  ?  " 


A  prominent  citizen,  who  had  just  eaten  three  dozen  Eastern  trans- 
planted oysters,  which  cost  $1.50  per  dozen,  told  his  wife  he  had  been 
eating  silver.  She  said  that  "  back  thar  in  Missoury,  where  she  came 
from,"  anybody,  to  smell  his  breath,  would  suppose  he  had  been  eating 
whisky. 


A  man  who  found  a  chicken  in  one  of  the  eggs  set  before  him  in  a 
Main  Street  restaurant,  this  morning,  called  the  waiter's  attention  to  that 
fact,  when  the  waiter  grumbled  out  that  some  people  are  never  satisfied ; 
they  growl  when  you  board  them  for  eight  dollars  a  week  and  throw  in 
poultry  for  breakfast. 


Two  dogs  had  an  argument  over  a  bone  on  Main  Street  this  forenoon, 
and  all  the  other  dogs  thought  there  was  an  alarm  of  fire.  In  three  min- 
utes from  the  time  the  first  yelp  sounded,  Main  Street  was  a  raging  sea  of 
dogs,  through-  which  teams  were  unable  to  force  their  way.  Traffic  on 
the  street  was  suspended  while  the  blockade  lasted. 


196  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB.' 

Two  little  boys  were  playing  in  front  of  the  REVEILLE  office  this 
morning,  and  one  said  to  the  other :  "  My  mother's  got  a  guitar,  and  yours 
aint !  "  "  The  blazes  she  aint !  "  replied  the  other ;  "  my  mother's  had  the 
catarrh  for  three  years,  and  it  makes  her  snort  like  a  wind-broken  horse 
going  up  hill." 


A  man  on  one  of  the  back  streets,  last  night,  who  saw  a  red-headed 
girl  running  for  the  doctor,  mistook  her  for  a  shooting-star,  and  wished 
seventeen  wishes  before  she  was  out  of  sight.  The  mistake  was  a  natural 
one,  as  shooting-stars  are  very  plentiful  these  nights. 


A  prominent  citizen,  who  had  been  taking  spring  medicine,  reading 
that  there  was  a  general  movement  of  the  Russians,  remarked  that  he 
could  sympathize  with  them,  as  he  knew  how  it  was  himself. 


A  little  boy  was  talking  to  another  little  boy  about  cats,  on  Main 
Street  this  morning.  Said  he  : 

"  Cats  is  got  nine  lives,  and  you've  got  to  kill  'em  nine  times  afore 
they'e  dead.  You  can't  pizen  'em,  'cause  they  like  pizen,  and  the  only  way 
my  dad  says  you  can  pizen  a  cat  is  to  chop  his  head  off,  and  throw  him 
down  a  shaft,  and  pile  rocks  atop  of  him  so  he  can't  climb  out." 


A  floating  newspaper  paragraph  says  that  Mrs.  Denison,  the  authoress, 
has  made  enough  money  out  of  "That  Husband  of  Mine"  to  purchase  a 
Washington  residence.  There  is  a  woman  in  this  town  who  has  made 
enough  money  out  of  that  husband  of  hers  to  purchase  a  set  of  furs  on  the 
installment  plan.  She  did  it  by  going  through  his  pockets  while  he  was 
asleep. 


<c  Boys,  let's  all  take  a  drink,"  said  a  man  in  a  Main  Street  saloon  this 
morning,  and  immediately  there  was  an  overturning  of  chairs  in  the  vicin- 
ity of  the  stove,  and  a  scurrying  toward  the  bar ;  but  when  the  stranger 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING   TOWN.  197 

put  the  finishing  touch  on  his  oration  by  uttering  the  words,  "  of  water," 
the  "  boys  "  returned  sadly  to  their  seats,  and  resumed  their  discussion  on 
the  evils  of  Chinese  cheap  labor. 


An  Upper  Austin  woman,  who  heard  that  a  Cedar  Ravine  woman  had 
been  talking  about  her,  told  all  her  acquaintances  that  she  intended  to  spit 
in  that  hussy's  eye  the  first  time  she  caught  sight  of  her,  and  when  they 
met,  she  walked  right  up  to  her,  put  her  mouth  close  up  to  the  "  hussy's," 
and kissed  her  right  on  the  lips,  and  said : 

"  Oh,  my  dear,  I'm  so  glad  to  see  you ;  and  how's  all  the  children,  and 
has  baby  got  through  teething  yet  ?  " 


An  Austin  man  who  deals  in  stocks  through  a  San  Francisco  broker, 
received  a  note  from  the  broker  the  other  day,  which  read :  "  Stick  to 
your  Julia ;  she  will  do  to  tie  to."  Of  course,  his  wife  found  the  note  in 
his  pocket ;  and  now  the  man  is  putting  in  regular  ten-hour  shifts  in  ex- 
plaining that  Julia  is  the  name  of  a  mining  stock.  But  she  will  be  satis- 
fied with  nothing  short  of  documentary  evidence,  and  he  has  had  to  send 
to  San  Francisco  for  the  stock  certificates. 


A  young  gentleman  of  this  town  called  upon  an  Upper  Austin  young 
lady,  a  few  evenings  since,  and  requested  the  loan  of  one  of  her  old  shoes, 
saying  he  had  invited  a  party  of  ladies  to  go  sleigh-riding,  and  was 
unable  to  procure  a  sleigh.  By  the  time  he  recovers  from  his  injuries  a 
genial  sun  will  have  melted  the  snow  from  the  hill-tops,  the  grass  will  be 
springing  fresh  and  green,  and  he  will  be  preparing  to  negotiate  the  pur- 
chase of  a  straw  hat  and  linen  duster.  But  the  doctor  says  his  wounds  are 
not  necessarily  fatal. 


Charles  Napier,  an  English  scientist,  prescribes  a  vegetable  diet  as  a 
cure  for  intemperance.  He  says  that  if  the  lovers  of  strong  drink  will 
eschew  all  meat,  and  masticate  cabbages  and  turnips  for  the  space  of  six 
months,  all  desire  for  alcoholic  stimulants  will  depart  from  them.  That 
this  will  work  has  been  demonstrated  in  Austin.  A  resident  of  this  city, 


198  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

having  read  Mr.  Napier's  suggestion,  confined  himself  to  a  diet  of  cabbages 
and  turnips  for  six  months,  and  at  the  end  of  that  time  he  had  no  further 
desire  for  strong  drink.  He  had  a  splendid  funeral,  and  the  doctors  said 
he  died  of  cholera. 


A  prominent  citizen  went  into  a  store  on  Main  Street  this  morning, 
and  purchased  a  broom.  The  clerk  asked  him  if  he  should  send  the  article 
home  in  the  store's  delivery  wagon. 

"No,"  he  replied,  "I  might  as  well  pack  it  home  myself;  but  don't 
you  know,  whenever  my  wife  sends  me  to  the  store  to  buy  a  broom  it  al- 
ways reminds  me  of  the  time  when  I  was  a  boy  going  to  school  ?  " 

"  How  is  that  ?  "  asked  the  clerk. 

"  Well,  you  see,  when  I  was  going  to  school  and  I  used  to  cut  up  any 
didoes,  the  teacher  used  to  give  me  his  jack-knife  and  send  me  out  to  cut 
birch  switches  for  him  to  whale  me  with.  See  the  point  ?  " 

The  clerk  said  he  thought  he  saw  it. 


The  occasions  when  silver  bullion  is  shipped  from  the  Express  Office 
in  this  city  open  a  social  problem  which  commends  itself  to  the  consider- 
ation of  the  scientist  and  the  attention  of  the  student  of  human  nature. 
Prominent  citizens  will  congregate  on  the  sidewalk  where  the  bullion  is 
piled,  awaiting  loading  on  the  stage,  and  will  pick  up  and  "  heft "  the 
heavy  bars,  with  scarce  any  apparent  exertion.  And  yet  when  the  wife 
of  any  one  of  those  same  prominent  citizens  tells  him  to  "  bring  in  an 
armful  of  wood,  you  lazy  brute,"  he  swears,  by  all  the  gods  above,  that 
stooping  and  lifting  give  him  a  crick  in  the  "  spine  of  his  back." 


The  extraordinary  weather  of  this  morning  is  dangerous  to  our  insti- 
tutions. It  threatens  to  introduce  the  umbrella  in  our  midst.  The  last 
man  who  ventured  on  our  streets  with  an  umbrella  was  promptly  shot,  but 
his  corpse  was  not  mutilated,  like  that  of  his  predecessor.  Since  the  com- 
pletion of  the  Central  Pacific  Railroad  the  manners  and  customs  of  an 
effete  Eastern  civilization  have  one  by  one  encroached  upon  our  isolation, 
driving  the  old  pioneers  further  and  further  back  into  the  fastnesses  of 
the  mountains;  and  now  that  showers  in  March  threaten  to  foist  the 
deadly  umbrella  on  an  unwilling  people,  men  look  into  each  other's  faces 
and  ask :  "  What  is  this  consarned  country  coming  to,  anyway  ?  " 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  199 

One  of  the  most  glorious  mornings  that  ever  dawned  upon  the  Toi- 
yabe  Range  was  that  which  ushered  in  this  day.  The  air  was  as  soft  as 
the  young  man  who  thinks  that  all  the  girls  in  town  are  stuck  after  his 
moustache,  and  as  mild  as  boarding-house  coffee ;  the  skies  were  as  clear 
as  that  a  year's  desertion  constitutes  good  grounds  for  divorce  in  this 
State,  and  the  sun  shone  as  brightly  as  the  spick-span  new  twenty-dollar 
piece  that  a  man  hates  to  change  in  paying  for  a  two-bit  plug  of  tobacco. 
It  was  one  of  those  mornings  when  all  Nature  smiles,  and  the  responsive 
heart  of  the  bar-keeper  gives  down  its  milk  of  human  kindness,  so  that 
Nature  is  not  the  only  thing  that  smiles. 


A  certain  gentleman  of  this  city  had  for  a  considerable  length  of  time 
been  "  keeping  company  "  with  a  young  lady,  and  on  the  occasion  of  her 
birthday,  recently,  sent  her  as  a  present  a  beautiful  album.  The  lady  was 
not  at  all  satisfied  with  the  gift,  as  she  had  expected  something  which 
would  be  significant  of  matrimonial  intentions  on  the  part  of  the  gentle- 
man— an  engagement  ring,  or  something  in  that  line.  She  confided  her 
dissatisfaction  to  her  bosom  friend,  and  said  she  thought  her  beau  might 
have  sent  her  "  something  binding."  This  remark  the  bosom  friend  com- 
municated to  the  gentleman  in  the  case,  who  was  equal  to  the  emergency, 
and  immediately  sent  the  dissatisfied  lady  a  present  of  seven  pounds  of 
cheese 


"Is  it  a  crime  to  shoot  cats?"  asked  a  prominent  citizen  of  an  emi- 
nent jurist,  in  the  International  Restaurant,  this  morning.  The  lawyer 
said  he  could  not  answer  till  he  had  searched  the  statutes  and  ascertained 
what  bearing  the  common  law  had  on  the  subject.  Though  not  a  lawyer, 
we  think  we  can  satisfactorily  answer  the  citizen's  question.  In  our  opin- 
ion it  is  not  a  crime  to  shoot  cats,  providing  you  hit  them  square  between 
the  eyes,  and  stun  them  so  that  they  w.ill  lie  still  till  you  can  get  to  them 
and  chop  them  into  small  bits  with  an  ax.  We  do  not  hold  that  walking 
into  a  sitting-room,  and  turning  the  contents  of  a  six-shooter  into  a  cat  as 
it  peacefully  slumbers  in  an  old  maid's  lap  would  be  strictly  within  the 
law ;  but  we  contend  that  the  murder  of  a  cat  that  is  attending  a  musical 
rehearsal  in  the  still  watches  of  the  night  under  your  bedroom  window  is 
within  the  pale  of  the  Constitution. 


200  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB. 

There  is  a  Boston  lady  in  this  town  who  is  a  great  stickler  for  refined 
language,  and  who  has  a  perfect  horror  of  vulgarisms,  in  which  she  includes 
many  familiar  terms.  Recently  a  successful  chlorider,  who  resides  in  Upper 
Austin,  gave  a  swell  dinner,  to  which  this  lady  was  invited.  After  dispos- 
ing of  a  couple  of  pounds  of  roast  turkey  she  passed  her  plate  to  the  host. 

"  Some  more  turkey? "  queried  he. 

"  No,  thank  you,"  she  returned,  "  but  please  be  so  kind  as  to  introduce 
a  spoon  into  the  interior  recesses  of  the  frame  of  the  turkey,  and  extract 
for  me  therefrom  some  of  the  insertion." 

"  Some  of  the  what  f  "  gasped  the  unfortunate  man. 

"  Why,  some  of  the  stuffing  she  means,  you  illiterate  old  fool,"  sug- 
gested his  wife. 

"  Oh ! "  And  then  he  fainted  and  was  borne  on  a  shutter  to  his  cham- 
ber, where  he  now  lies  in  all  the  dreadful  delirium  of  brain  fever. 


In  a  large  city  there  are  industries  and  modes  of  obtaining-  a  liveli- 
hood which  in  smaller  places  are  impracticable.  An  instance  of  this  came 
under  our  observation  during  our  recent  visit  to  San  Francisco.  Walking 
along  Kearny  Street  one  day,  in  company  with  a  city  friend,  we  noticed  a 
remarkably  and  extraordinarily  ugly  woman,  and  called  our  friend's  atten- 
tion to  her. 

"  Yes,  she  is  frightfully  ugly,"  he  replied ;  "  but  she  makes  it  pay  — 
makes  big  money  at  it." 

"Makes  it  pay!  Makes  big  money  at  it!  How?"  we  asked  in  sur- 
prise. 

"  Well,  you  see,"  was  the  reply,  "  the  town's  chock  full  of  garroters ; 
and  wealthy  men  hire  this  woman  to  walk  home  with  them  nights,  to 
frighten  away  the  garroters  and  hoodlums." 

Such  an  industry  were  not  possible  in  Austin,  on  account  of  lack  of 
material — no  garroters  and  no  homely  women. 


The  most  surprising  and  at  the  same  time  exasperating  accident  that 
can  befall  a  young  lady  is  to  have  a  sled  shoot  out  from  under  her  while 
she  is  coasting  down  hill,  and  leave  her  sitting  in  the  snow  in  solitary  con- 
templation of  the  heavenly  bodies.  It  is  at  such  a  moment  as  this  that  her 
soul  is  filled  with  bitterness  and  her  mind  with  the  contemplation  that  this 
is  a  cold,  cruel,  and  heartless  world — particularly  the  cold  part ;  when  ro- 
mance or  sentiment  find  no  place  in  her  thoughts,  and  she  takes  nothing 
on  trust.  A  young  lady  who  was  one  of  a  coasting  party  met  with  an  ac- 


LIFE  IN  A   MINING    TOWN.  201 

cident  of  this  nature  last  night,  and  when  her  companions,  on  their  return 
up  the  hill,  found  her  sitting  in  the  snow,  and  sympathizingly  inquired  if 
she  was  hurt,  she  replied  : 

"  I  have  not  investigated  as  to  that  as  yet ;  but  that  I  am  mad,  and 
disgusted  with  coasting,  is  the  cold  bottom  fact  of  the  business." 


A  rancher  brought  his  family  into  town  for  a  holiday  a  few  days 
since,  and  leaving  them  at  a  hotel,  went  out  and  took  a  bath,  purchased 
and  put  on  a  new  suit  of  clothes,  and  otherwise  improved  his  personal 
appearance.  When  he  returned  to  his  family's  apartments  at  the  hotel, 
he  was  a  transformed  man  in  appearance.  His  children  failed  to  recognize 
him,  and  when  he  attempted  to  kiss  his  wife  she  threw  a  wash-pitcher  at 
him,  and  told  him  she  would  scream  if  he  did  not  leave  the  room  "this 
minute,"  and  Would  tell  her  husband  when  he  came  home,  anyhow.  He 
was  obliged  to  go  out  and  get  a  friend,  to  go  with  him  to  his  wife  and 
identify  him ;  and  when  she  finally  became  convinced  that  he  was  really 
her  husband,  she  said  that  if  she  had  known  his  true  complexion  before 
her  marriage  to  him  she  would  never  have  married  him  in  the  world.  She 
thought  he  was  dark,  and  here,  after  taking  a  good,  square  wash,  he  had 
turned  out  to  be  light.  She  was  a  blonde  herself,  and  believed  in  con- 
trasts in  marriage. 


An  aged  man,  with  the  snows  of  many  winters  upon  his  venerable 
head,  and  his  body  bent  under  the  accumulated  weight  of  years,  was  hit 
plump  in  the  eye  with  a  snow-ball  yesterday  afternoon  on  Main  Street. 
There  was  something  of  the  fire  of  his  youth  in  his  uninjured  eye,  and 
tears  and  redness  in  the  other,  as  in  his  virtuous  indignation  his  form 
towered  erect  and  he  shook  his  fist  at  the  retreating  bad  small  boy,  and 
exclaimed : 

"  I  wish  I  may  be into in  a  minute  if  I  wouldn't  make  you 

think  an  earthquake  had  landed  athwart  your  ear,  if  I  had  you  within 
reach  of  this  good  right  hand,  you  young  cub  of  the  devil ! " 

But  when  the  gamin  derisively  placed  his  thumb  to  his  nose,  and 
spread  his  fingers  like  a  fan,  it  was  more  than  human  nature  could  bear ; 
and  the  poor  old  man,  whose  sands  of  life  were  running  so  low,  went  into 
the  nearest  saloon,  and  in  tearful  accents  requested  the  bar-keeper  to  fix 
him  a  hot  Scotch,  and  "  be  sure  to  put  lots  of  sour  in  it." 


202  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

According  to  some  medical  authorities,  more  quarrels  arise  between 
husband  and  wife  from  their  sleeping  together  than  from  any  other  cause. 
It  is  held  that  the  eliminative  nervous  force  of  one  person  is  absorbed  by 
sleeping  with  a  person  of  absorbent  nervous  force,  and  that  the  absorber 
will  sleep,  while  the  eliminator  will  be  restless,  nervous,  and  sleepless.  The 
electrical  qualifications  of  the  cerebro-magnetic  concatenations,  the  one 
being  a  positive  and  the  other  a  negative  pole,  so  disturb  the  nervo-vitality 
of  the  eliminative  functions,  that  two  persons  possessing  these  attributes 
in  an  opposite  degree  are  uncongenial  in  magnetic  equilibrium ;  and  thus 
quarrels  in  bed  between  husband  and  wife  are  the  inevitable  result.  We 
have  frequently  noticed  this  phenomenon  in  our  own  experience,  and  the 
only  remedy  we  can  suggest  is  for  husband  and  wife  to  each  sleep  with 
somebody  else. 


Several  years  ago,  in  this  city,  a  gentleman  prominent  in  bull-punching 
circles  was  arrested  for  some  slight  infraction  of  the  laws,  and  taken  be- 
fore a  justice  of  the  peace,  by  whom  he  was  found  guilty  and  sentenced 
to  pay  a  fine.  The  ox-steerer  was  very  indignant  at  the  result  of  his  case, 
and  very  bitter  against  the  judge  for  the  severity  of  the  sentence,  which 
he  claimed  was  greater  than  the  circumstances  justified.  Revenge  ran- 
kled in  his  heart,  and  he  determined  to  get  even  on  the  judge,  and  this  is 
how  he  did  it.  He  named  the  off  leader  of  his  team  after  the  judge,  and 
whenever  he  was  driving  the  team  past  his  enemy's  office  he  would  run 
up  to  the  off  leader  and  sock  the  goad  viciously  into  the  poor  animal, 
and  cry : 

"  Git  up,  you  Judge  Blank,  you son  of  a , 

your heart  into ation." 

When  the  judge  would  go  to  the  door  of  his  office  and  gaze  down 
street  and  see  that  man's  ox-team  coming  up,  he  would  retire  to  the  pri- 
vacy of  his  back  room  and  stuff  his  ears  with  cotton. 


The  Austin  Post-office  has  been  doing  a  rushing  business  to-day  in 
the  distribution  of  valentines,  of  which  a  very  large  number  have  passed 
through  the  mail.  The  scene  at  the  Post-office  during  the  day  has  been 
exciting  in  the  extreme.  The  varied  expressions  of  hope,  despair,  joy,  or 
chagrin  on  the  faces  of  the  applicants  for  letters  was  enough  to  move  the 
stoutest  heart.  The  most  touching  incident  of  the  day  was  when  a  young 
man  who  had  applied  the  fifty-fourth  time  at  the  window  for  "  a  volum- 
time  for  me,"  at  last  received  the  coveted  missive.  It  was  enclosed  in  a 
richly-embossed  and  perfumed  envelope,  and  as  he  broke  the  seal  his  hand 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TOWN.  203 

trembled  and  his  eye  shone  in  joyful  expectation.  He  unfolded  the  valen- 
tine. Alas  for  bright  hope !  It  was  a  picture  of  a  man  with  a  small  head 
and  exaggerated  feet,  and  the  words  "Brainless  Fop"  printed  in  large 
capitals,  under  the  picture,  seared  his  brain  like  letters  of  living  fire.  The 
bystanders  thought  he  would  faint,  but  he  didn't.  He  only  raised  his  hand 
on  high,  and  said : 

"I'll  bet  forty-five  to  fifteen  I  can  lick  the  stuffin'  out  of  the  dog- 
goned,  ornery,  consarued  critter  what  sent  me  this  volumtime.'1 

We  draw  the  curtain  on  this  painful  scene. 


Tramps  abound  in  Austin  at  present.  They  are  depredatory,  larce- 
nous, and  burglarious ;  and  it  would  be  well  for  owners  of  portable  prop- 
erty, such  as  hot  stoves  and  steam-hoisting  works,  to  keep  a  lookout  on 
their  goods,  wares,  and  merchandise.  A  few  evenings  since,  some  of  these 
pedestrians  entered  a  saloon  and  broke  open  the  till  in  the  bar-counter, 
and  the  same  evening  a  robe  and  overcoat  were  stolen  from  a  livery  sta- 
ble. When  the  tramps  come  around  residences,  pretending  hunger  and 
asking  charity,  invite  them  to  an  interview  with  the  wood-pile.  If  they 
accept  the  invitation,  it  shows  that  they  are  willing  to  work  for  a  living ; 
and  after  they  have  sawed  and  split  eight  or  ten  cords  of  wood  into  stove 
size,  it  would  be  as  well  to  offer  them  something  to  eat-  If  they  refuse  to 
tackle  the  wood-pile,  then  they  are  the  tramp,  in  all  his  native  cussedness. 
In  this  case  set  the  dog  on  him,  or  stand  him  up  against  the  fence  and 
pour  hot  water  down  his  back,  or  get  a  six-shooter  and  make  a  true  fissure 
lead  ledge  in  his  carcass.  This  last  is  the  most  effectual  method  of  deal- 
ing with  him ;  and  if  you  lodge  three  or  four  bullets  in  his  brain,  or  in- 
crease the  weight  of  his  heart  by  the  addition  of  a  couple  of  pounds  of 
slugs  and  horse-shoe  nails  inserted  therein,  he  will  not  be  liable  to  trouble 
you  again.  The  best  protection  of  all,  however,  is  to  keep  your  doors 
locked. 


A  stranger  passing  through  Churchill  County  recently,  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  lose  his  team  of  mules,  thdy  having  become  alkalied  by  the 
water  of  that  section.  The  mules  died  within  a  few  miles  of  Stillwater, 
the  county  seat,  and  one  of  the  solid  men  of  that  place  went  over  to  where 
the  stranger  was  camped,  to  sympathize  with  him.  He  drove  over  a  span 
of  mouse-colored  mules,  of  about  the  dimensions  of  jack-rabbits,  and,  in 
order  to  help  the  unfortunate  traveler  out  of  his  plight,  offered  to  sell  them 
to  him  at  about  twice  their  value.  The  man  examined  the  mules,  inspected 


204  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

their  teeth,  and  twisted  their  tails  to  test  their  kicking  powers.  Then  he 
said  to  the  Churchillian  : 

"  Can  these  mules  draw  well  ?  " 

"  Draw !  "   exclaimed  the  man  of  the  desert.     "  Draw !     Stranger, 

O        " 

you  aint  much  of  a  judge  of  hoss-flesh.  I  use  these  here  mules  for  plowin', 
and  I'm  'bleeged  to  hitch  'em  to  two  plows.  If  I  only  used  one  plow 
they'd  yank  it  through  the  land  so  fast  that  the  friction  would  burn  up  the 
face  of  the  yearth  so's  thar  wouldn't  nothin'  grow  on  it.  I  should  say 
they  could  draw." 

The  stranger  said  he  guessed  he  wouldn't  buy  the  mules,  as  they  were 
too  energetic  for  his  purpose,  because  he  wanted  to  travel  slow,  so  as  to 
view  the  scenery. 


"  Put  some  perfumery  on  my  moustache,"  said  a  young  man  to  the 
barber,  who  was  putting  on  the  finishing  touches,  in  a  popular  Austin  bar- 
ber shop,  yesterday  afternoon. 

"  Must  be  going  to  make  a  call,"  said  the  polite  tonsorial  artist. 

"  Yes,  going  to  drop  around  to  see  some  folks,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Going  to  see  some  of  your  many  young  lady  friends,  of  course,"  in- 
sinuated the  knight  of  the  razor. 

Then  the  young  man  rose  up  out  of  that  barber  chair,  and  said : 

"  See  here,  my  friend,  do  you  suppose  I  put  perfumery  on  my  mous- 
tache because  I'm  going  to  see  a  man,  or  a  boy,  or  an  old  woman,  or  a  baby 
in  arms?  Do  men  gather  grapes  of  thorns  or  figs  of  thistles?" 

The  barber  said  grapes  were  out  of  season,  and  figs  were  dear  in  this 
country  on  account  of  the  freight ;  but  long  observation  in  his  profession 
had  convinced  him  that  perfumery  on  a  moustache  possessed  a  certain  sig- 
nificance in  most  cases;  but  there  were  instances  where  the  man  who 
wanted  the  hair  on  his  upper  lip  strongly  scented  knew  to  a  certainty  that 
the  girl  he  was  going  to  see  that  night  was  in  the  habit  of  eating  onions 
for  dinner.  And  the  customer  laid  down  a  quarter  to  pay  for  his  shave, 
and  said  that  the  barber  business  must  afford  a  magnificent  field  for  the 
study  of  human  nature. 


Initial  Conversation. 

In  the  play  of  "  The  Mighty  Dollar,"  the  Hon.  Bardwell  Slote  econo- 
mizes his  conversation  by  using  only  the  initial  letters  of  certain  words, 
and  when  the  play  was  introduced  in  San  Francisco,  the  populace  caught 
up  Mr.  Slote's  plan,  and  initial  conversation  became  a  common  thing  in 
that  city,  as  a  species  of  slang.  Like  all  other  fashions,  sayings,  and  doings, 
which  reach  Austin  after  they  are  played  out  everywhere  else,  this  prac- 


LIFE  IN  A  MINING    TO  WN.  205 

tice  has  got  here.    An  Austin  store-keeper,  who  visited  San  Francisco  some 

time  ago,  has  got  it  on  the  brain,  and  inflicts  it  on  his  friends  and  customers 

at  every  opportunity. 

Yesterday,  an  old  lady  from  the  country  walked  into  his  store  to  make 

a  purchase,  and  he,  observing  her  from  the  office,  called  out  to  a  clerk  : 
"  Here,  Augustus,  S.  A.  lively  and  wait  on  this  lady." 
"  'Gustus  S-A'd  to  wait  on  me  last  time  I  come  in,  and  kept  me  wait- 
ing about  two  hours,"  remarked  the  lady. 

"  That's  just  it,  ma'am,  and  that's  why  I  told  him  to  S.  A.  lively 

(stand  around  lively).     T.  is  M.  (time  is  money)  just  as  much  with  us  as 

with  you,  ma'am." 

"  I  don't  want  no  tea  of  no  kind,  but  I  want  two  pounds  of  your  best 

coffee  at  your  lowest  cash  rates." 

"  That's  it,  ma'am,  C.  T.  in  this  establishment." 

"  I  told  you  I  didn't  want  to  C.  no  tea,  but  coffee." 

"  Oh,  I  mean  C.  T. — coin  talks — in  this  establishment." 

"  It  does,  does  it  ?    Well,  then,  I'll  just  G-O-P-H  across  the  street, 

where  I  can  get  all  the  credit  I  want  to." 

And  as  she  went  out,  the  storekeeper  muttered  : 

"  G-O-P-H — let's  see,  yes,  that  means  goph  (go  off)  and  she's  S.  U. 

(slid  out),  and  I'm  a  D.  O.  G.  (danged  old  galoot)  for  L.  A,  K.  (losing  a 

customer)." 


Caring  for  a  Baby. 

A  woman  from  the  country  came  into  town  the  other  day  on  a  shop- 
ping expedition,  bringing  her  baby  along  with  her.  She  carried  the  infant 
into  a  store  at  which  she  is  in  the  habit  of  trading,  and  setting  it  in  a 
chair  asked  one  of  the  clerks,  who  happened  to  be  the  only  person  in  the 
store  at  the  time,  to  look  out  for  it  for  a  minute,  while  she  ran  up  to  the 
drug  store  to  buy  a  few  articles.  Without  giving  the  clerk  time  to  frame 
a  speech  in  acceptance  of  the  trust  thus  reposed  in  him,  she  bolted  out  of 
the  store,  and  he,  a  lone,  lorn  bachelor  of  the  most  correct  habits  and 
principles,  was  alone  with  that  infant.  The  sense  of  responsibility  he 
felt  crushed  him  as  if  the  fat  woman  in  the  circus  had  sat  down  on  him ; 
he  gazed  on  the  babe,  as  it  lay  placidly  sleeping  in  the  chair,  and  the 
thought  came  over  him,  what  if — just  then  the  child  let  out  a  yell  that  went 
rippling  and  cavorting  through  the  store  as  if  the  rumbling  of  an  impend- 
ing volcano  was  shaking  up  the  hams  and  sides  of  bacon  and  boxes  of 
lard  and  candles  and  canned  fruit. 

"  Oh,  oo  ittle  pootsey  tootsey,"  said  the  alarmed  clerk,  "  don't  oo  ky, 
oo  muzzer  will  be  back  in  a  minute." 


206  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

This  only  caused  the  cherub  to  increase  the  vehemence  of  its  yells, 
and  to  grow  black  in  the  face  with  the  intensity  of  its  emotions. 

"  Shut  up,  you  consarned,  ornery,  squalling,  nasty  little  brat.  Do  you 
want  people  on  the  street  to  think  I'm  trying  to  murder  you  ?  " 

But  the  baby  refused  to  listen  to  argument,  and  opened  up  a  fresh 
series  of  yells,  with  variations. 

"  Look  on  this  manly  breast,  thou  sweet  cherub ;  tell  me  if  you  see 
there  any  outcroppings  of  the  consolation  thou  most  desirest.  I  am  pow- 
erless to  help  thee.  Thy  mother  will  return  ere  long.  Still,  I  pray  thee, 
still  thy  lamentations." 

Another  howl,  louder  and  more  prolonged  than  any  that  had  preceded 
it,  was  all  the  answer  that  mite  of  humanity  vouchsafed. 

"  Dod  rot  and  dog-gone  a  baby  anyhow !  Shut  up,  or  I'll  be  the 
death  of  you ! " 

And  in  the  agony  of  his  despair  the  clerk  sat  down  on  the  lovely 
babe.  He  sat  there  on  that  infant  three  hours  before  the  mother  returned ; 
and  when,  looking  through  the  window,  fee  saw  her  coming  down  the 
ntreet,  he  got  up  and  went  to  his  desk  and  commenced  to  post  his  books. 
As  the  mother  entered  the  office  she  apologized  for  her  long  absence ;  but 
said  she  had  got  into  an  argument  with  another  woman  as  to  whether 
polonaises  would  be  cut  bias  and  gored,  or  whether  they  would  be  knife- 
pleated  and  scalloped,  and  had  forgotten  all  about  the  child. 

"  But  how  had  baby  behaved  itself,  anyhow  ?  " 

"  Quietest  baby  I  ever  saw  in  my  life,"  replied  the  clerk ;  and  then  he 
excused  himself  and  went  out.  The  woman  picked  up  her  baby,  which 
was  mashed  flat,  and  she  had  to  take  it  to  a  blacksmith  shop  and  hold  its 
mouth  to  the  nozzle  of  the  bellows,  and  have  some  more  breath  pumped 
into  it ;  and  she  says  if  her  husband  don't  buy  a  shotgun  and  kill  that 
clerk  she  will  sue  for  a  divorce  and  go  home  to  her  mother.  But  the 
clerk  has  not  yet  returned.  The  latest  news  concerning  his  fate  is  that 
he  was  footing  it  across  Death  Valley,  and  striking  out  at  his  best  pace 
for  Mexico,  with  which,  country  there  is  no  extradition  treaty  for  sitting 
down  on  babies. 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE. 


Indians  and  Cliinese  are  usual  constituents  in  the  population  of  every 
Nevada  town.  The  principal  tribes  of  Indians  in  the  State  are  the  Piutes, 
Shoshones,  and  Washoes.  The  Washoes  live  in  the  western  portion  of 
Nevada,  near  the  California  line,  and  are  prob- 
ably an  offshot  of  the  California  Digger  Indians, 
whom  they  resemble  somewhat  in  stature  and 
feature,  and  whose  counterparts  they  are  in 
squalor,  filth,  and  dullness  of  intellect.  The  Sho- 
shones occupy  the  territory  east  of  a  given  line 
from  the  center  of  the  State  to  a  point  near  the 
Utah  boundary,  out  of  which  limits  they  sel- 
dom venture.  The  Piutes,  being  numerically  the 
strongest  and  most  powerful,  besides  much  su- 
perior to  the  others  in  both  mental  and  physical 
attributes,  roam  where  they  please,  their  lines 
extending  into  Idaho  and  Oregon  on  the  north, 
nearly  to  Arizona  on  the  south  and  east,  and  west  from  the  eastern  base 
of  the  Sierra  Nevada  to  the  Territory  of  Utah.  There  are  certain  places 
in  Idaho  and  Nevada  which  serve  as  head-quar- 
ters for  the  various  subdivisions  under  the  lesser 
chiefs,  or  "captains";  but,  except  at  particular 
seasons,  when  dance  festivals  (called  fandangos) 
are  held,  or  excursions  are  made  to  the  hills  for 
the  purpose  of  gathering  the  crop  of  pine-nuts 
which  forms  a  large  part  of  their  winter  subsist- 
ence, they  hang  about  the  towns — as  do  the  Sho- 
shones in  their  own  territory.  There  are  other 
but  insignificant  tribes  in  the  southern  portion  of 
the  State,  and  the  eastern  part  of  Nevada  and 
Western  Utah  is  inhabited  by  the  Goshutes. 
This  tribe,  which  was  once  warlike  and  power- 
ful, is  now  almost  extinct,  and  numbers  but  a  few  hundred  souls,  it  having 


208  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING   CLUB. 

been  almost  exterminated  by  the  troops  under  command  of  General  P.  E. 
Connor,  in  1864-5,  as  a  punishment  for  and  to  check  their  attacks  on  emi- 
grants and  stages  on  the  Overland  road.  At  one  time,  all  these  tribes 
warred  with  each  other ;  but  now  the  hatchet  is  buried  forever.  They 
have  occasional  tribal  troubles  on  account  of  the  Piutes  stealing  horses  or 
squaws  from  the  weaker  tribes,  and  there  are  frequent  quarrels  among 
them  caused  by  whisky  and  gambling — but  these  are  as  likely  to  occur 
among  members  of  the  same  family  as  with  neighboring  tribes.  In  the 
majority  of  cases,  the  differences  are  submitted  to  the  arbitration  of  some 
white  man  whom  the  Indians  conceive  to  possess  authority — justices  of 
the  peace,  sheriffs,  town  or  city  marshals,  and  frequently  the  editor  of  the 
local  paper.  It  is  a  common  occurrence  for  Indians  to  call  at  the  REVEILLE 
sanctum  with  statements  of  their  grievances,  and  a  request  that  I  "  heap 
put  'em  in  paper."  They  fancy  that  a  publication  of  their  wrongs  in  a 
newspaper  is  a  sure  method  of  obtaining  redress. 

In  the  towns,  the  Indians  perform  various  menial  offices.  The  men 
chop  wood  and  dig,  act  as  street  scavengers,  dish-washers  in  the  restaurants, 
and  in  divers  other  capacities  of  simple  labor ;  the  squaws  do  washing,  and 
some  of  them  make  very  good  house  servants.  The  money  they  obtain  in 
this  way  is  used  in  personal  adornment  and  playing  poker — an  amusement 
to  which  all  Indians,  male  and  female,  are  passionately  addicted. 

There  is  a  strong  antagonism  between  the  Indian  and  the  Chinaman, 
principally  felt  by  the  Indian,  and  the  races  have  frequent  quarrels,  in 
which  the  Indian,  owing  to  the  Chinaman's  superior  cunning,  usually 
comes  off  second  best.  The  Chinaman  lives  in  quarters,  apart  from  the 
portions  of  the  town  occupied  by  the  whites,  the  streets  of  which  look  like 
a  slice  cut  from  China ;  and  to  Chinatown  the  Indians  resort  for  a  miser- 
able compound  miscalled  whisky,  which  is  furnished  them  by  the  keen 
"  Johns  "  at  an  enormous  profit.  They  are  dependent  for  the  gratification 
of  their  alcoholic  tastes  almost  exclusively  on  the  Chinese,  as  it  is  seldom 
that  a  white  man  will  supply  liquors  to  them,  being  restrained  by  the  strict 
State  laws  prohibiting  it.  Therefore,  Lo,  who  hates  John  with  a  bitter 
hate,  cannot  afford  to  quarrel  with  him ;  for,  though  he  despises  the  China- 
man much,  he  loves  liquor  more.  As  this  purports  to  be  a  Nevada  book, 
and  as  the  Chinese  and  Indians  form  so  large  an  element  of  Nevada's  pop- 
ulation, I  here  introduce  a  few  sketches  of  incidents  in  connection  with 
those  races,  many  of  which  were  published  from  time  to  time  in  the 
REVEILLE. 

The  Indian,  stripped  of  the  romance  with  which  he  is  clothed  in  the 
imagination,  of  those  whose  estimate  of  him  is  based  on  novels,  poems,  and 
histories  which  treat  on  the  "  noble  son  of  the  forest,"  stands  forth  merely 
a  crude,  dirty,  vicious  savage.  This  is  his  best  aspect.  Until  subdued  by 
force  he  is  cruel  and  treacherous,  with  a  nature  little  better  than  the  wolf 
that  prowls  the  plains.  He  is  cunning,  and  politic  to  the  extent  that  when 
he  is  whipped,  and  feels  himself  in  the  power  of  a  superior  race,  he  grovels 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  200 

and  toadies  to  that  superiority — accepts  its  cast-off  clothes,  does  its  chorea 
for  a  consideration,  and  copies  its  vices.  Its  good  traits  he  seldom  or 
never  learns  or  practices.  An  Indian  is  a  coward.  Liquor  or  excitement 
may  render  him  desperate,  but  true  bravery  is  something  foreign  to  his 
nature.  He  will  only  fight  when  he  has  the  best  of  it,  and  even  then  he 
skulks,  and  shoots  from  shelter ;  and  it  is  seldom  that  he  will  battle  man  to 
man  with  the  whites,  except  when  cornered— then  he  turns  at  bay  like  any 
other  wild  beast.  He  is  a  stranger  to  the  feeling  of  gratitude,  and  if  a 
favor  is  done  him  he  can  conceive  no  other  motive  for  it  than  fear.  Do 
an  Indian  a  kindness,  and  he  is  sure  you  are  afraid  of  him.  I  have  seen 
members  of  nearly  all  the  tribes  of  Indians  between  the  Rocky  Mountains 
and  the  Pacific  Ocean,  and  this  description  applies  to  one  equally  with  the 
other,  except  in  some  isolated  cases  in  Montana  and  British  Columbia, 
where  intermarriage  with  whites  and  the  teachings  of  the  Catholic  fathers 
have  taken  some  of  the  wolf  out  of  them.  But  even  the  best  of  those 
classes  are  not  the  equals  in  moral  attributes  of  the  lowest  grade  of  white 
men.  Nobody  who  has  ever  been  brought  in  direct  contact  with  the 
Indians  as  they  are,  ever  knew  or  heard  of  one  of  them  performing  an  act 
of  magnanimity  or  of  charity.  Among  themselves,  in  their  own  social 
life,  they  are  brutes.  They  compel  the  women  to  carry  all  the  burdens 
and  to  perform  all  the  labor,  and  when  the  females  grow  old  they  are  neg- 
lected, starved,  beaten,  and  abused,  and  frequently  stoned  to  death  to  get 
them  out  of  the  way.  Cleanliness  they  know  not  of,  and  the  proudest 
looking  Indian  that  ever  stalked  in  fringed  buckskins  and  beads,  with 
painted  face,  and  hair  adorned  with  army  buttons,  is  covered  with  vermin, 
from  which  he  never  makes  an  effort  to  free  himself. 

The  Indians  in  Nevada,  having  been  cowed  and  subdued  by  frequent 
chastisements  by  the  military  and  settlers,  after  for  several  years  pursuing 
a  cruel  and  diabolically  torturing  warfare,  are  now  merely  a  collection  of 
nomadic  loafers.  They  have  head-quarters  of  subdivisions  of  the  tribes  at 
certain  points — but  few  consenting  to  live  on  Government  reservations  — 
and  from  these  they  roam  the  country,  some  picking  up  a  precarious  sub- 
sistence in  hunting  jack-rabbits,  sage-hens,  and  such  other  small  game  as 
the  country  affords,  and  others  hanging  about  the  mining  towns  and  the 
towns  along  the  line  of  the  Central  Pacific  Railroad.  A  few  are  induced 
to  work  on  ranches  at  certain  seasons.  In  the  main  they  dress  in  clothes 
which  have  been  cast  off  by  the  whites,  but  a  few  of  them  wear  robes 
made  by  sewing  together  the  skins  of  jack-rabbits. 

The  town  Indians  subsist  by  begging  at  the  kitchens  of  residences, 
hotels,  restaurants,  and  miners'  cabins,  and  the  majority  of  them  pass  their 
time  in  sleeping  in  the  sunshine  or  gambling  at  cards.  With  all,  gambling 
is  the  chief  aim  of  life — whether  it  be  at  Indian  poker  or  monte,  by  day  on 
the  street  corners,  or  at  night  in  their  miserable  wickiups,  or  playing  mar- 
bles "for  keeps"  among  themselves,  or  with  small  white  boys.  Some  of 
the  men  work  at  odd  jobs,  such  as  cutting  firewood,  scavenger  work,  wash- 
14 


210  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

ing  dishes  in  restaurant  or  hotel  kitchens,  and  other  odd  chores,  while 
many  of  the  women  do  rough  washing  for  families  and  perform  various 
easy  menial  services.  The  women  are  much  more  industrious  than  the 
men,  but  all  their  earnings  go  to  their  lords  and  masters,  to  furnish  them 
with  gambling  capital. 

The  women  of  the  Piute  tribe  are,  except  in  isolated  cases,  virtuous ; 
but  in  the  other  tribes  they  do  not  know  the  significance  of  such  a  word. 
Among  the  Piutes  a  lapse  from  virtue  is  punishable  by  death,  by  burning, 
or  by  stoning ;  but  in  the  other  tribes,  the  husbands,  so-called,  pocket  the 
proceeds  of  the  women's  prostitution,  and  shame  is  a  feeling  which  neither 
man  nor  woman  of  them  ever  experienced. 

There  is  a  humorous  side  to  the  Indian  character,  however ;  and  it  is 
in  the  endeavor  to  portray  this,  that  the  sketches  which  follow  are  embod- 
ied in  this  work. 

The  Chinese. 

The  Chinaman  is  a  problem.  He  is  all  over  the  Pacific  Coast,  in  every 
State  and  Territory  which  comprises  that  region,  and  forms  the  most  un- 
desirable and  disturbing  element  of  the  population.  His  good  qualities 
are  very  few,  and  may  be  summed  up  in  three  words  :  Industry,  frugality, 
and  patience.  His  vices  are  legion,  and  comprise,  in  part,  dishonesty, 
cruelty,  filth,  idolatry,  and  opium  smoking.  He  has  no  home  ties,  and 
seeks  none ;  he  lives  in  a  hovel  in  the  villages  and  towns,  and,  crowded 
like  sheep  in  a  pen,  in  filthy  buildings  in  Chinese  quarters  in  the  large 
cities.  His  women  are  all  prostitutes,  brought  from  China  as  slaves. 
To  steal  is  his  creed  ;  to  lie,  his  religion.  I  will  not  say  that  there  are  no 
Chinamen  whatever  better  than  this  picture ;  but  where  there  are  such,  they 
form  notable  exceptions  to  a  general  rule.  John,  like  Lo,  has  his  humor- 
ous side,  and  an  attempt  to  depict  it  is  the  cause  of  his  introduction  in 
these  pages. 


The  Origin  of  the  Fandango. 

The  fandango,  or  dance,  is  a  species  of  thanksgiving  festival,  held  in 
accordance  with  instructions  from  a  source  which  will  be  mentioned  below. 
The  Shoshones  and  Piutes,  unlike  Fennimore  Cooper's  and  Ned  Buntline's 
Indians,  have  no  belief  in  a  "Great  Spirit''  or  "  Happy  Hunting  Ground." 
Their  idea  of  a  hereafter  is  a  place  where  there  are  millions  of  fat  crickets 
always  roasting,  and  thousands  on  thousands  of  ponies  roaming  around  on 
grass-clad  hills,  with  red  blankets  strapped  to  their  backs ;  and  the  being 
they  worship,  and  in  whose  honor  these  festivals  are  given,  is  a  traditional 
Indian,  whose  history  the  medicine-man  gives  as  follows  : 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  211 

"  Heap  sun-ups,  maybe  longtime  ago,"  a  mountain  in  the  Goose  Creek 
range  suddenly  became  very  much  disturbed.  It  rocked  violently  to  and 
fro,  sending  forth  loud  noises  resembling  exaggerated  human  groans.  The 
Indians,  who  at  that  time  flocked  in  large  numbers  to  that  locality  to 
gather  pine-nuts,  were  greatly  terrified  at  the  actions  of  the  mountain ; 
but  they  could  not  flee — they  were  chained  to  the  spot  by  a  sort  of  fasci- 
nation, and  all  their  efforts  to  tear  themselves  away  were  fruitless.  They 
huddled  in  groups  at  the  foot  of  the  mountain ;  the  men  pale  with  fear, 
and  the  women  and  children  wailing  and  crying. 

The  mountain  continued  to  labor  for  many  days ;  when,  at  last,  one 
night,  when  the  sky  was  of  inky  blackness,  a  bright  ray  of  light  shot  up 
from  its  peak,  and  in  a  few  seconds  the  entire  sky  was  illumined  by  a  daz- 
zling light  of  rosy  hue.  The  assembled  Indians  with  one  accord  cast  their 
eyes  to  the  peak  of  the  mountain,  when  there  slowly  emerged  therefrom 
the  figure  of  an  Indian.  The  figure  was  about  ten  feet  in  height,  and 
straight  as  an  arrow.  It  was  clad  in  buckskin,  richly  embroidered  with 
beads ;  its  ears  and  nose  were  decorated  with  bead  rings ;  the  head  was 
surmounted  by  the  pinion  of  an  eagle,  and  around  its  waist  was  a  belt 
containing  upwards  of  three  million  (according  to  Indian  count)  glass 
beads.  For  full  ten  minutes  the  figure  stood  gazing  at  the  astonished  and 
terrified  Indians,  when,  fixing  an  arrow  in  his  bow,  he  discharged  it  at  a 
range  of  hills  opposite  him.  A  flash  of  light  like  the  trail  of  a  meteor 
followed  the  discharge,  and  in  a  moment  the  range,  which  was  before 
barren,  was  covered  with  pinons,  laden  down  with  luscious  pine-nuts. 
Another  discharge  of  an  arrow  at  the  stream  which  rippled  at  the  foot  of 
the  mountain,  and  the  river  was  almost  overflowing  with  fish.  The  figure 
then  pointed  its  finger  significantly  at  the  large  rock  on  which  it  was 
standing,  and  slowly  disappeared  into  the  mountain,  which  then  ceased  its 
shaking  and  rumbling;  the  light  went  out,  and  a  solemn  silence  came  over 
the  scene. 

The  next  morning,  Salamahowich,  a  mighty  warrior,  who  was  then 
chief  of  the  tribe,  ascended  the  mountain,  and  stepping  on  the  rock  on 
which  the  figure  had  stood  the  night  before,  it  suddenly  gave  way  with 
him,  and  in  a  moment  he  found  himself  in  the  interior  of  the  mountain. 
The  description  of  the  place  in  which  he  found  himself,  as  given  by 
the  medicine-man,  is  beyond  our  powers ;  but  he  gave  us  to  understand 
that  the  floor  "  all  the  same  half-dollars,"  (meaning  silver)  and  the  roof 
"heap  all  same  him,"  pointing  to  a  cluster  of  icicles  dependent  from  a 
porch,  by  which  we  suppose  he  meant  it  was  covered  with  stalactites. 
While  the  chief  was  lost  in  admiration  of  the  magnificence  of  his  sur- 
roundings, the  figure  of  the  night  before  emerged  from  a  recess  in  the  cave, 
and  bidding  the  chief  to  seat  himself,  he  told  him  that  he  was  the  Savior 
and  Guardian  of  the  Shoshone  tribe,  born  but  the  night  before,  and  that 
the  mountain  was  his  mother.  He  commanded  the  chief  to  take  word  to 
the  tribe,  and  to  tell  them  that  so  long  as  they  obeyed  a  certain  code,  which 


212  THE  SAZEEAO  LYING    CLUB. 

he  laid  down  to  the  chief,  but  which  is  too  long  for  repetition  here,  so  long 
would  he  be  th,eir  guardian  and  protector.  Among  other  things,  he  de- 
manded that  a  constant  guard  should  be  kept  at  the  mouth  of  his  cave ; 
that  no  human  being  should  be  permitted  to  enter  it ;  and  that  at  a  sound 
which  he  would  strike  on  an  immense  boulder  of  pure  silver,  which  stood 
near  the  mouth  of  the  cave,  signal  fires  should  be  built  directing  the  tribe 
to  hold  a  dance  in  his  honor. 

It  is  doubtful  if  any  white  man  could  find  the  locality  of  the  mount- 
ain, or  even  if  he  would  be  permitted  by  the  Indians  to  enter  the  region ; 
so  ambitious  prospectors  need  not  trouble  themselves  about  it ;  but  when 
fires  which  flash  seven  times  seven  times  are  seen  on  the  mountains,  it  may 
be  set  down  for  certain  that  the  big  Indian  is  hitting  his  boulder,  and  then 
follows  a  grand  fandango,  which  is  religiously  observed  without  regard  to 
season  or  weather,  oftentimes  being  held  during  a  fierce  snow-storm,  or  on 
nights  when  the  thermometer  is  so  low  that  the  mercury  tries  to  crowd 
itself  out  of  the  bottom  of  the  instrument. 


A    Fandango. 

I  was  one  of  a  party  who  made  a  visit  to  one  of  the  spring  fandangos 
of  the  Piute  tribe  of  Indians.  The  Indians  were  found  encamped  in  a 
circle  formed  by  piling  up  brush,  and  at  the  time  of  our  arrival,  dancing 
having  not  yet  commenced,  the  children  of  the  sagebrush  were  distributed 
within  the  circle  in  various  picturesque  groups.  The  camp  seemed  to  be 
subdivided  into  smaller  camps,  in  some  of  which  games  of  cards  were  in 
progress  ;  in  others,  the  braves  were  sitting  around  a  small  sagebrush  fire 
engaged  in  conversation,  the  light  of  the  fire  giving  a  subdued  glow  to  the 
various-colored  blankets  and  the  painted  faces  of  the  Indians,  and  form- 
ing a  picture  such  as  I  have  seen  painted  of  gipsy  life.  Other  groups 
consisted  of  families,  the  women  sitting  or  lying  quietly  on  the  ground, 
and  the  infants  in  their  beds  of  rabbit-skins ;  and  here  and  there  a  pair  of 
tiny  red  feet  could  be  seen  peeping  out  from  under  the  skins,  catching  the 
warmth  of  the  sagebrush  fire.  On  the  outer  edge  of  the  circle  a  number 
of  half-grown  boys  and  girls  were  at  play,  running  and  jumping  through 
a  fire ;  and  their  glad  shouts  and  frisky  motions  showed  that  they  were 
happy  in  their  rags,  and  felt  not  the  lack  of  comfort  and  shelter  which  are 
indispensable  to  the  children  of  the  white  man.  The  first  dance  being 
called,  a  number  of  bucks  formed  a  circle  around  a  small  cedar  which  was 
set  up  in  the  center  of  the  circle  of  brush,  and  commenced  a  slow,  monot- 
onous chant,  placed  shoulder  to  shoulder,  and  moved  with  regular  step 
around  the  tree,  keeping  time  to  the  chant  with  their  feet.  Gradually  the 
circle  be.-aine  enlarged,  squaws  and  children  falling  into  it  and  taking  up 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  213 

the  refrain  of  the  chant,  till,  at  the  time  of  the  departure  of  the  party — 
about  nine  o'clock  p.  M. — about  fifty  Indians  were  engaged  in  the  dance. 
The  dance,  or  fandango,  as  the  Indians  call  it,  is  held  in  celebration  of  the 
approach  of  spring,  being  a  sort  of  thanksgiving  for  the  disappearance  of 
the  snow  and  cold,  and  the  advent  of  mild  weather.  It  is  a  solemn  busi- 
ness for  Mr.  Indian,  and  he  goes  at  it  in  dead  earnest,  not  a  smile  or  laugh 
disturbing  his  countenance  during  its  progress.  The  feature  of  the  even- 
ing was  an  Indian  dressed  in  a  harlequin  custume,  which  some  white  man 
had  worn  at  one  of  the  masquerades  given  in  town.  The  wearer  felt  him- 
self a  big  Indian,  and  was  an  object  of  merriment  to  the  other  Indians  and 
of  awe  to  the  children,  who  followed  him  around  as  though  he  were  a 
whole  circus  in  himself. 

The  inauguration  of  a  fandango  is  occasionally  foreshadowed  by  a 
migration  of  the  tribe  to  some  more  desirable  place,  where  the  festivities 
can  be  held  in  comparative  seclusion.  I  once  witnessed  the  breaking  up 
of  a  camp  for  this  purpose.  About  six  o'clock  in  the  evening  a  great 
commotion  was  observable,  bucks,  squaws,  and  pappooses  all  being  at  work 
pulling  down  the  wickiups  and  packing  the  horses  with  the  household 
goods.  Viewed  from  the  opposite  hill,  the  preparations  for  departure 
presented  a  picturesque  sight.  The  ponies  standing  patiently  to  receive 
their  burden  of  high-colored  blankets,  provisions,  cooking  utensils,  and  the 
miscellaneous  traps  that  go  to  make  up  an  Indian  household ;  pappooses 
in  all  stages  of  raggedness  tumbling  about  on  the  ground ;  squaws  taking 
down  the  dirty  and  ragged  odds  and  ends  which  serve  for  the  covering  of 
an  Indian  house ;  bucks  riding  furiously  over  the  steep  hill-side  to  get  the 
horses  together — all  set  off  against  the  grayish  background  of  the  hills 
with  the  sinking  sun  casting  a  glow  on  the  scene  that  made  bright  color 
look  brighter,  and  dirty  bits  of  cloth  look  clean.  It  was  a  pretty  picture 
at  a  distance;  a  near  approach  would  have  destroyed  the  romance  and 
picturesqueness,  besides  offending  the  nostrils  and  endangering  the  clean- 
liness of  the  spectator.  About  eight  o'clock  the  cavalcade  began  to  move, 
the  braves  and  favorite  squaws  and  children,  who  were  mounted,  taking 
the  trail  around  the  hill  above  the  Clifton  grade,  and  the  blear-eyed  old 
squaws,  with  burdens  on  their  backs,  taking  the  shorter  cut  over  the 
mountain ;  and  by  the  time  it  was  fairly  dark  there  was  not  an  Indian  left 
in  the  town  or  its  immediate  vicinity. 


"Indian  Al." 

Indian  Al  is  a  California  Digger,  who  was  brought  to  this  city  when 
quite  young,  and  educated  with  white  children  of  his  own  age.  During 
his  boyhood  he  was  taught  to  read  and  write,  and  was  kept  neatly  dressed, 


214  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

and  at  one  time  gave  promise  of  growing  up  an  intelligent  and  respectable 
man.  But  when  he  reached  man's  estate  the  wolf  cropped  out ;  he  threw 
off  the  restraints  and  clothing  of  civilization,  encased  himself  in  rags,  al- 
lowed his  hair  to  grow,  procured  a  blanket,  went  to  an  Indian  camp  on 
the  hill  and  fraternized  with  the  Shoshones,  becoming  as  one  of  them,  and 
acquiring  their  tongue  readily.  He  naturally  gravitated  to  whisky,  and  a 
short  time  after  his  lapse  from  civilization  became  a  recognized  nuisance 
of  the  town.  Shortly  after  the  completion  of  the  Central' Pacific  Railroad 
he  removed  to  Battle  Mountain,  and  since  then  has  lived  in  the  different 
camps  along  the  line  of  that  road  between  Reno  and  Elko.  I  saw  him  a 
few  weeks  ago  at  Carlin,  when  he  told  me  that  he  had  given  up  drinking 
and  gambling,  and  stopped  associating  with  the  Indians  ;  but  his  appear- 
ance contradicted  his  statements.  Two  days  ago  he  put  in  an  appearance 
at  Austin.  He  is  the  biggest  liar  on  the  continent,  and  told  some  wonder- 
ful tales  of  his  travels  to  both  Indians  and  whites,  even  excelling  Uncle 
John  of  the  Sazerac — asserting  that  he  had  been  all  over  Europe,  to  China, 
Japan,  Australia,  and  the  Sandwich  Islands.  The  Shoshone  squaws  at 
once  fell  in  love  with  him,  by  wholesale ;  they  loved  him  for  the  lies  he 
told,  as  Desdemona  did  Othello ;  and,  clustering  around  him,  would  swal- 
low the  biggest  of  his  yarns,  with  the  utmost  confidence  in  their  truth. 
There  is  a  Shoshone  Indian  in  town  from  Belmont,  who  until  Al's  arrival 
was  the  admired  of  all  admirers  among  the  squaws.  He  is  a  handsome 
young  fellow,  and,  tricked  out  in  a  red  shirt  and  plug  hat,  has  been  strut- 
ting around  with  half  the  young  Indian  ladies  of  the  vicinity  at  his  heels. 
With  these  two  gallants  on  the  street  at  the  same  time,  there  could  be  but 
one  result ;  and  it  soon  came  in  the  shape  of  a  quarrel  between  them,  dur- 
ing which  Indian  Al  drew  a  huge  knife  on  his  rival.  The  former  was  ar- 
rested, and  now  occupies  a  cell  in  the  City  Jail.  Here  his  education  serves 
him  in  stead,  and  with  the  stub  of  a  pencil  he  whiles  away  the  dreary 
hours  inscribing  on  the  wall  the  words,  "The  course  of  true  love  never  did 
run  smooth."  It  is  perhaps  necessary  to  say  that  this  is  strictly  true. 

This  Al  got  into  an  argument  with  a  store-keeper  the  other  day,  dur- 
ing which  something  was  said  about  keeping  books. 

"  Do  you  keep  books  ?  "  asked  he. 

"Yes,"  said  the  white  man,  "I  keep  my  own  books." 

"It's  a  bad  practice,"  returned  the  Indian;  "more  men  have  got 
broke  in  this  country  by  keeping  books  than  from  any  other  cause.  You 
should  confine  your  operations  to  a  cash  basis." 

The  white  brother  weakened,  and  the  argument  closed. 

Belmont  Johnny,  Al's  rival,  also  soon  came  to  grief.  A  few  days  ago, 
he  went  to  the  City  Marshal,  and  related  a  tale  of  wrong  and  injury  suffi- 
cient to  move  the  stoutest  heart.  Johnny's  particular  affinity  was  a  squaw 
named  Topsey,  a  fat  and  rollicking  Shoshone  maiden  ;  but  another  mem- 
ber of  the  Piute  tribe  succeeded  in  inaugurating  himself  into  her  affections 
and  estranging  them  from  Johnny,  and  on  the  wings  of  night  fled  with  her 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  215 

to  the  fastnesses  of  Hot  Creek,  on  the  Battle  Mountain  road.  Johnny's 
sorrow  was  genuine  when  he  asked  the  Marshal  to  "  send  'em  paper,  and 
heap  bring  'em  back,"  and  tears  came  into  his  eyes  as  he  depicted  Topsey's 
ingratitude. 

"  Yesterday  me  give  him  fibe  dollar,  me  give  him  pair  shoe,  and  buy 
him  silk  dress." 

"  A  silk  dress  f  "  asked  the  Marshal,  "  how  much  did  you  pay  for  the 
silk  dress?" 

"  Me  give  three  dollar,"  replied  the  sorrow-stricken  red  man. 

The  Marshal  informed  Johnny  that  the  law  was  powerless  to  redress 
his  wrongs,  and  that  his  only  remedy  for  the  injury  wrought  upon  him  was 
personal  vengeance. 

"All  right,"  said  Johnny,  "you  no  put  'em  jail-house,  me  catch  'em 
Topsey,  maybe- so  me  catch  'em  back  silk  dress." 


The   Courting   Season 

That  "  in  the  spring  a  young  man's  fancy  lightly  turns  to  thoughts  of 
love,"  applies  with  particular  force  to  the  noble  red  man  of  .the  sagebrush. 
Both  the  Shoshone  and  Piute  tribes  of  Indians  have  a  regular  courting  or 
love-making  season,  which  generally  begins  about  the  first  of  April  and 
lasts  until  the  spring  fandango,  at  which  wives  are  chosen,  and  such  mar- 
riage ceremony  performed  as  the  Indians  employ.  Owing  to  the  inclem- 
ency of  the  present  spring,  the  fandango  has  been  postponed,  and  the 
Indians  have  not  yet  commenced  making  love  on  the  street  corners,  a  thing 
not  unfrequently  seen  in  this  town.  No  Indian — or  even  white  man — 
would  feel  like  courting  in  the  open  air  with  the  thermometer  below  the 
freezing  point,  and  the  wind  sending  the  snow  rushing  through  the  streets 
at  the  rate  of  sixty  miles  an  hour.  But,  after  all,  this  courting-season  busi- 
ness seems  like  a  pleasant  custom,  and  it  might  even  be  adopted  with 
profit  by  the  whites.  How  much  cheaper  and  more  systematic  it  would 
be  for  Charles  to  call  on  Araminta,  and  open  the  conversation  by  saying : 
"My  dear  Miss  Araminta,  the  courting  season  has  opened,  and  I  have 
come  to  ask  if  you  will  permit  me  to  pay  my  devoirs  to  you  during  the 
said  season,"  than  for  him  to  be  going  up  to  the  house  every  night  for  six 
months,  or  a  year,  maybe,  with  his  pockets  full  of  gum-drops  and  peanuts, 
and  sitting  in  a  corner  and  looking  foolish,  and  letting  Araminta's  baby 
sister  lick  the  blacking  off  his  boots,  and  her  little  brother  borrow  (and 
keep)  his  jacknife.  And  then,  after  all  this  trouble  and  expense,  to  have 
her  tell  him  that  she  had  formed  a  previous  attachment,  and  never,  really 
and  truly,  ever  dreamed  that  his  attentions  meant  anything  more  serious 
than  friendship.  But  she  could  love  him  as  a  brother,  and  all  that  sort  of 


216  THE  SAZERAO  LYING    CLUB. 

thing.  If  custom  had  allowed  Charles  to  state  his  case  at  the  outset,  he 
would  have  been  saved  all  the  expense  for  the  gum-drops  and  peanuts,  and 
the  humiliation  of  having  his  suit  rejected ;  and  Araminta  would  have 
been  saved  the  painful  duty  of  saying  those  little,  but  difficult  words,  "  No, 
sirree;  not  if  I  know  myself." 


An  Elopement. 

Owing  to  the  excitement  of  the  election  and  the  occupation  of  our 
space  by  matters  connected  therewith,  we  have  been  unable  until  to-day 
to  make  mention  of  an  elopement  which  took  place  last  week. 

Out  of  regard  for  the  feelings  of  the  families  concerned,  we  refrain 
from  mentioning  names,  which,  however,  are  well  known  in  this  city.  The 
couple  had  long  loved ;  and,  a  short  time  since,  the  gentleman  requested 
the  hand  of  the  lady  in  marriage,  from  her  stern  and  cruel  father,  and  was 
kicked  down  a  long  flight  of  steps  for  his  presumption.  Nothing  daunted, 
however,  by  this  cruel  rebuff,  the  young  man  continued  his  attentions, 
and  although  frequently  treated  to  showers  of  hot  water  by  the  maternal 
parent  of  his  adored,  and  interviewed  by  the  family  dog  to  the  extent  of 
three  pairs  of  pants,  he  still  continued  his  attentions.  The  object  of  his 
affections  viewed  with  heart-breaking  sorrow  the  persecutions  of  the  idol 
of  her  soul,  but  was  powerless  to  prevent  them,  as  she  was  kept  confined 
in  a  cabin  in  a  secluded  part  of  the  town,  and  kept  from  all  communication 
with  the  unfortunate  young  man.  Last  week,  however,  the  young  man 
discovered  the  whereabouts  of  his  beloved  and  managed  to  communicate 
with  her,  when  she  expressed  a  willingness  to  fly  with  him. 

On  the  appointed  night  the  lover  was  on  hand.  The  night  was  pitchy 
dark,  and  a  gentle  rain  pattering  on  the  roof  prevented  the  stern  parent  of 
the  girl  from  hearing  the  stealthy  footsteps  of  her  lover.  Approaching 
the  cabin,  he  drew  his  trusty  pocket-knife,  and  soon  picked  enough  of  the 
mud  which  filled  the  interstices  of  the  logs  of  which  the  cabin  is  com- 
posed, to  enable  the  prisoner  to  crawl  through.  As  the  last  flicker  of  her 
dress  passed  through  the  "  chink  "  she  fell  into  his  arms,  and  throwing  her 
on  his  shoulder  he  flew  to  the  hills. 

When  the  old  man  awoke,  next  morning,  the  elopers  had  a  wickiup 
of  their  own  erected  ;  and  as  the  excited  parent  approached,  with  his  bow 
and  arrow  cocked,  and  fire  gleaming  from  his  eye,  the  now  husband  threw 
his  protecting  arm  around  the  waist  of  his  bride,  and  defied  the  old  duffer. 
The  husband  settled  the  matter,  however,  by  the  payment  of  three  ponies, 
a  deck  of  greasy  cards,  and  a  flannel  shirt.  A  grand  banquet  of  entrails 
was  given  at  the  slaughter-house,  and  as  soon  as  the  squaw  gets  over  the 
honeymoon,  she  will  be  again  ready  to  do  washing  by  the  day. 


• 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE. 


An   Unhappy  Medicine-Man. 

The  squaw  over  whom  the  medicine-man  has  been  howling  so  much, 
to  the  annoyance  of  our  citizens,  has  gone  to  her  last  account.  Yesterday 
afternoon,  observing  that  matters  on  the  hill  south  of  town  bore  a  some- 
what unusual  appearance,  we  walked  to  a  wickiup,  where  a  large  number 
of  Indians  had  congregated.  The  wickiup  consisted  of  a  piece  of  drilling 
stretched  over  a  few  bent  poles,  and  beneath  this  canopy  was  a  ghastly 
sight.  Stretched  on  the  ground  was  the  dead  body  of  a  squaw,  her  fea- 
tures almost  unrecognizable  as  those  of  a  human  being,  on  account  of  being 
covered  with  dirt  and  clotted  blood.  In  a  circle  around  the  corpse  were 
seated  about  twenty  Indians,  who  with  grave  and  serious  faces  rocked  to 
and  fro  and  sang  a  monotonous  chant.  Within  this  circle  were  seated  a 
number  of  squaws,  who  were  crying  and  tearing  their  hair,  while  at  the 
head  of  the  corpse  was  seated  the  medicine-man,  a  gray-headed,  miserable- 
looking  old  wretch.  His  arms  were  folded  across  his  breast,  and  his  body 
swayed  to  and  fro  in  time  to  his  continuous  groaning.  It  is  stated  that 
when  an  Indian  medicine-man  fails  to  effect  a  cure,  the  Indians  accuse 
him  of  having  bewitched  the  patient ;  and  immediately  after  the  death  of 
the  patient  they  put  the  doctor  to  death,  so  that  he  shall  not  have  an 
opportunity  to  bewitch  others.  Last  night  there  was  no  fire  or  light  of 
any  kind  in  the  Indian  camp,  and  it  was  as  still  as  the  grave ;  and  there 
can  be  no  doubt  that  the  red  men  were  up  to  some  deviltry.  They  prob- 
ably buried  the  squaw  and  put  the  old  medicine-man  to  death.  Stoning 
to  death  is  the  method  used  in  these  cases,  and  in  all  probability  the  old 
fellow  is  mashed  up  as  fine  as  sausage-meat  by  this  time.  He  seemed  to 
understand  what  was  in  store  for  him,  and  was  as  miserable  and  woe- 
begone a  specimen  of  humanity  as  can  well  be  imagined.  As  to  the  In- 
dian who  beat  the  squaw  to  death,  nothing  will  be  done  to  him,  as  he  is  a 
brave,  and  the  woman  was  his  wife,  which  gave  him  a  perfect  right  to 
kill  her. 


The  REVEILLE  sanctum  was  honored,  this  forenoon,  by  a  visit  from  the 
chief  justice  of  the  Piute  tribe  of  Indians — Judge  John,  as  he  calls  himself. 
The  Judge  is  the  most  intelligent  Indian  we  have  ever  met,  not  even  ex- 
cepting Indian  Al,  and  seems  to  be  pretty  well  posted  on  matters  and 
things.  After  informing  us  that  the  old  men  of  his  tribe  prophesy  that 
there  will  be  severe  storms  throughout  the  whole  of  the  present  month, 
he  proceeded  to  question  us  about  the  news.  He  asked  us  what  was  going 
on  at  Virginia,  Carson,  Eureka,  Hamilton,  Salt  Lake,  the  Black  Hills, 
Montana,  and  the  United  States,  about  the  affairs  of  all  of  which  he  ex- 
hibited a  knowledge  remarkable  for  an  Indian.  He  asked  us  our  views  of 


218  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

the  coming  Presidential  election,  and  who  we  thought  would  be  Grant's 
successor,  and  wound  up  by  giving  us  his  opinion  of  the  Chinese  question. 
Said  he: 

"  Chinaman  no  good — he  come  here,  heap  work,  no  spend  'em  money ; 
but  take  'em  all  money  'way  over  big  water.  Injun — my  tribe — no  like 
Chinaman ;  heap  down  on  'em.  Too  many  Chinamen  come  San  Francis- 
co, Virginny — all  United  States ;  heap  work  for  little  money ;  whita  man, 
whita  woman,  and  Injun  no  got  work.  Bimebye  heap  kill  'em  Chinaman; 
send  'em  back  home." 

He  explained  that  the  Indian,  unlike  the  Chinaman,  spent  his  money  in 
the  stores  for  gloves  and  clothes  and  food,  thus  keeping  it  in  the  country ; 
and  he  argued  from  this  that  while  the  Chinaman  is  an  injury  to  the 
country,  the  Indian  is  a  benefit.  He  stated  that  he  is  a  second  cousin  of 
Xaches,  son  of  old  Winnemucca,  and  that  he  has  a  brother  who  can  read 
and  write  English  well.  Like  all  the  Indians  of  the  present  day,  Judge 
John  has  ever  been  a  steadfast  friend  of  the  whites,  and  would  rather  win 
all  the  money  in  an  Indian  poker  game  than  harm  a  hair  of  a  white  man's 
head. 


An  old  Piute  Indian  departed  for  the  happy  hunting  ground,  via  old 
age  and  general  debility,  from  the  camp  back  of  the  City  Hall,  last  night. 
It  is  not  the  custom  of  the  Piutes  to  bury  their  dead ;  and  in  this  instance 
they  merely  carried  the  body  a  few  rods  from  the  camp  and  deposited  it 
on  the  ground.  The  City  Marshal,  learning  that  the  late  Lo  was  lying 
exposed  on  the  hillside,  commanded  Al  to  have  it  properly  buried.  Al 
made  no  objections  to  this  order;  but  five  other  Indians  standing  by, 
whom  he  requested  to  assist  in  the  funeral,  positively  refused  to  do  so. 
Upon  this,  the  officer  threatened  that  unless  they  proceeded  forthwith  to 
bury  the  dead  Indian,  he  would  arrest  them  and  have  them  fined  four 
million  dollars  each.  This  threat  had  the  desired  effect,  and  the  funeral 
commenced.  They  wrapped  the  body  in  a  robe  of  rabbit-skins  and  tied  it 
up  with  ropes,  making  a  bundle  the  shape  of  a  ball.  This  they  dragged 
over  the  hill  to  an  old  shaft,  into  which  they  dumped  it  without  ceremony. 
In  reply  to  a  question  as  to  the  cause  of  the  Indian's  death,  a  dusky 
maiden,  who  was  an  interested  spectator  of  the  funeral,  replied :  "  Heap 
too  dam  old." 


The  Piutes  and  Shoshones  of  this  vicinity  have  inaugurated  a  grand 
rabbit-drive  in  Reese  River  Valley,  which  will  last  five  days.  The  valley 
is  teeming  with  rabbits,  and  the  method  pursued  by  the  Indians  insures  the 
slaughter  of  thousands.  Their  mode  of  procedure  is  nearly  the  same  as 
that  of  the  Irish  soldier,  who  captured  a  prisoner  by  surrounding  him. 


INDIANS  AND   CHINESE.  219 

The  Indians  select  a  piece  of  ground  which  they  know  to  be  the  resort  of 
their  game,  and,  each  man  being  armed  with  gun  or  bow  and  arrows,  form 
a  circle.  Inside  of  this  ring  the  women  and  children  are  placed,  and  the 
space  is  gradually  contracted,  the  squaws  and  pappooses  meanwhile  beating 
the  brush  with  sticks  to  start  the  rabbits.  The  bewildered  little  animals 
rush  hither  and  thither,  finding  no  escape  from  the  wall  of  hunters,  and 
being  hemmed  in  on  every  side,  and  gradually  driven  into  smaller  space  ; 
until,  when  the  supreme  moment  arrives,  the  Indians  turn  loose  their  guns 
and  arrows  on  the  confused  and  affrighted  creatures,  slaying  large  numbers 
of  them  at  each  discharge,  and  the  women  and  children  even  killing  many 
with  their  sticks.  Captain  Charley,  a  Piute,  who  is  chief-engineer  of  this 
drive,  says  thati,  after  it  is  over  there  will  be  a  joint  fandango  of  the  Piutes 
and  Shoshon-es,  at  which  his  son,  "Liar,"  will  "make  heap  big  talk." 
Charley's  son  was  dubbed  Elias  by  some  white  man ;  but  the  Indians  can- 
not pronounce  the  word  Elias,  the  nearest  they  can  come  to  it  being  "  Liar," 
and  by  that  name  is  he  called  and  known. 


In  a  couple  of  weeks  the  Piute  and  Shoshone  Indians  of  this  section 
will  assemble  at  Mammoth  to  gather  the  pine-nut  harvest.  A  short  time 
before  the  ripening  of  the  nuts,  which  grow  in  great  profusion  on  the  hills 
in  that  vicinity,  the  Indians  will  meet  to  the  number  of  more  than  a  thou- 
sand. They  go  from  Austin,  Belmont,  Stillwater,  and  other  places  within 
a  circuit  of  150  miles,  and  have  a  grand  fandango,  lasting  upwards  of  a 
week ;  and  when  the  nuts  are  ripe  the  squaws  collect  and  roast  them  for 
winter  use.  When  the  harvest  is  over,  the  Indians  return  to  the  haunts 
of  civilization,  where  they  live  comfortably  through  the  winter  on  this  pine- 
nut  bread,  with  the  addition  of  such  kitchen  refuse  as  they  can  get.  En- 
trails roasted  in  the  ashes,  and  cakes  made  of  crickets  and  pine-nuts  mixed 
together,  form  a  royal  feast  for  an  Indian ;  and  when  seated  in  his  wickiup, 
enjoying  this  savory  mess,  he  doesn't  care  a  continental  about  civil  service 
reform,  is  perfectly  indifferent  whether  gold  goes  up  or  down,  and  abso- 
lutely neutral  on  the  great  question  as  to  the  eternity  of  hell. 


A  Piute  passed  down  Main  Street  yesterday,  whose  appearance  ex- 
cited the  attention  of  the  white  beholders,  the  jealousy  of  his  male  com- 
panions, and  the  admiring  glances  of  the  Indian  maidens  who  were  sitting 
on  the  curbstones  pursuing  investigations  in  natural  history  in  their  hair. 
He  was  mounted  on  a  sleek  pony,  and  was  attired  in  a  flaming  red  flannel 
shirt,  two  pairs  of  new  blue  overalls,  a  stiff-brimmed  Peruvian  sombrero, 
and  a  yellow  linen  duster,  whose  ample  folds  spread  gracefully  over  the 


220  THE  SAZEEAC  LYING    CLUB.    . 

back  of  the  pony,  almost  hiding  that  animal  from  view.  As  he  rode  along, 
he  seemed  to  be  aware  that  he  was  the  admired  of  all  admirers,  and  car- 
ried himself  with  an  air  of  conscious  pride,  occasionally  bestowing  a  con- 
temptuous glance  on  some  less  fortunate  Indian  whose  clothes  were  held 
together  by  bits  of  hay  rope,  or  vouchsafing  a  patronizing  glance  on  the 
dusky  maidens  of  his  tribe.  Grant  would  have  been  required  to  give  about 
eleven  horses,  sixteen  squaws,  and  a  barrel  of  whisky  to  have  changed 
places  with  that  Indian.  But  Indian  happiness  is  as  short-lived  as  that  of 
his  white  brother ;  and  it  is  sad  to  think  that  this  noble  red  man,  so  happy 
yesterday,  may  have  struck  an  Indian  poker  game  last  night,  and  to-day  he 
may  be  a  total  wreck,  with  nothing  to  cover  his  manly  form  but  an  old 
plug  hat  and  a  lariat. 


As  is  well-known  to  those  conversant  with  the  Indian  character,  the 
Indians  none  of  them  know  their  ages.  Before  the  advent  of  the  whites 
in  this  country  their  computation  of  time  did  not  extend  beyond  moons ; 
though  many  of  them  now  understand  what  a  year  is,  and  are  able  to  com- 
pute time  by  years.  Yesterday,  an  old  Indian  on  Main  Street  was  asked 
how  old  he  was,  and  replied  he  did  not  know. 

"  Do  you  savvy  what  a  year  is  ?  "  he  was  then  asked. 

"  Yosh,"  he  replied, "  me  heap  savvy ;  most  Injun  he  only  savvy  moon." 

"  Why  Injun  no  count  how  old  by  moon  ?  "  asked  the  red  man's  ques- 
tioner. 

"  Him  too  goddam  lazy  count  'em,"  returned  the  brave. 

It  is  difficult  to  judge  of  an  Indian's  age  by  his  appearance.  The 
exposed  life  they  lead  ages  them  fast,  and  an  Indian  at  fifty  looks  as  old 
as  a  white  man  does  at  eighty.  This  particularly  applies  to  the  women ; 
a  squaw  at  thirty  is  an  old  hag.  A  young  squaw  begins  to  lose  her  youth- 
ful looks  in  a  couple  of  years  after  marriage,  and  grows  old  in  appearance 
so  rapidly  that  a  person  who  had  not  seen  her  in  the  intervening  two 
years  would  not  recognize  her  as  the  same  woman  at  the  end  of  that  time. 
Very  few  Indians  live  to  an  old  age,  and  we  are  of  the  opinion  that  the 
average  age  to  which  they  live  is  not  over  thirty  years. 


A  couple  of  days  ago,  a  squaw  died  out  at  Yankee  Blade,  and  the 
Indians  buried  her  and  her  infant  together,  without  taking  the  trouble  to 
make  a  corpse  of  the  latter.  It  is  the  custom  with  the  Piutes  and  Sho- 
shones  to  consign  the  dead  mother  and  living  child — when  the  latter  is  too 
young  to  help  itself — to  a  common  tomb.  In  this  instance  they  dug  a 
hole,  threw  the  woman  into  it,  and  laid  the  infant  on  her  breast,  covering 
them  both  over  with  brush.  In  explanation  of  this,  one  of  the  tribe  said : 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  221 

"Baby  no  good;  no  got  milk;  bimeby  heap  cry;  die  pooty  soon 
anyhow." 

It  would  be  impossible  to  convince  an  Indian  that  he  is  doing  wrong 
by  thus  abandoning  a  helpless  infant  to  the  coyotes  and  carrion  birds  ;  it 
was  the  custom  of  his  fathers,  and  he  can  see  no  crime  in  it.  A  white  man 
does  not  like  to  interfere,  for  to  try  and  rear  the  child  would  be  a  hopeless 
task,  and  besides,  the  Indians  would  feel  greatly  aggrieved  if  any  one  med- 
dled with  this  pleasant  custom. 


The  Piutes  have  established  a  new  settlement  on  Union  Hill,  at  the 
head  of  Cedar  Street.  The  houses  are  composed  of  pieces  of  house-lin- 
ing discarded  by  the  whites,  old  gunny-sacks,  strips  of  blanket,  and  any 
remnants  that  the  Indians  could  pick  up  around  town.  One  aristocratic 
red  man  secured  a  piece  of  lining  large  enough  to  line  the  Boston  Mill, 
and  has  erected  a  mansion  of  magnificent  proportions.  It  is  in  this  that 
the  nightly  festivities  are  held.  A  fire  is  kept  burning  throughout  the 
night ;  and  by  the  light  of  its  flickering  flame  the  noble  sons  of  a  fast-fad- 
ing race  probe  the  mysteries  of  Indian  poker,  tell  of  the  heroic  deeds  of 
their  fathers  in  scalping  emigrants  and  defenseless  stage-drivers,  and  roast 
the  entrails  cribbed  from  their  white  brother's  slaughter-house.  Here  may 
be  seen  the  stalwart  brave  stretched  upon  his  gaudy  blanket,  smoking  the 
cigarette  of  peace,  and  ruminating  on  the  possible  supply  of  cast-off  grub 
on  the  morrow ;  while  seated  in  the  shadow  is  a  gentle  Hiawatha,  mourn- 
ing the  loss  of  her  last  string  of  beads,  and  rocking  to  and  fro,  wearily 
singing  the  death-song  of  her  tribe;  while  the  pappooses  are  scattered 
around  promiscuously. 


A  daughter  of  the  forest,  with  a  rabbit-skin  robe  wrapped  closely 
around  her  noble  form,  was  meditatively  meandering  along  Main  Street, 
this  forenoon,  and  stepped  on  a  slippery  place  on  the  sidewalk,  and  sud- 
denly sat  down  with  a  bump  that  shook  the  planks.  As  soon  as  she  had 
recovered  from  the  shock  she  cast  a  glance  of  indignation  at  the  specta- 
tors, and  uttered  an  ejaculation  which  indicated  that  her  knowledge  of 
the  English  language  had  not  been  derived  from  a  very  refined  source  ; 
and  arranging  her  ruffled  dignity  and  other  clothes  about  her,  she  said  to 
the  most  boisterous  of  the  spectators,  "You  heap  dam  smart!"  and 
marched  off  as  though  she  didn't  care  if  the  world  dropped  down  a  hole 
in  three  minutes  by  the  watch.  A  prominent  citizen,  who  slings  big  words 
and  is  very  precise  in  his  conversation,  remarked  that  people  ought  to  put 
ashes  on  the  sidewalks,  as  it  was  too  bad  to  see  a  poor  Indian  female 
"  prostituted  "  to  the  ground  in  that  manner. 


222  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

"  There,"  said  a  prominent  citizen  on  Main  Street  this  morning,  point- 
ing to  an  Indian  who  was  carrying  a  sack  of  pine-nuts,  "  there  you  see  the 
bounty  of  Nature  to  her  children,  the  wise  provision  which  she  makes  for 
these  untutored  savages,  who,  living  in  a  country  to  the  eye  barren  of  all 
that  is  necessary  to  sustain  life,  yet  find  on  these  sterile  hills  the  means 
of  subsistence  in  the  nutritious  pine-nut.  The  pine-nut,"  he  continued, 
"  grows  only  in  countries  possessing  characteristics  such  as  we  find  in  Ne- 
vada ;  and  just  look  at  it,  how,  by  a  generous  Nature,  it  is  planted  here  and 
flourishes  to  ripeness  for  the  benefit  of  the  aboriginal  inhabitants." 

"  Ye s,"  remarked  a  bystander,  "  but  if  Nature  wanted  to  be  so 

powerful  particular  about  furnishing  grub  for  these  Indians,  what  made 
her  plant  the  red  cusses  in  such  a  God-forsaken  country  as  this  in  the  first 
place?" 

The  other  man  said  that  the  forces  of  Nature  were  so  immutable, 
and  cause  and  effect  were  so  hidden  in  the  deep  recesses  of  mystery, 
that  science  had  never  been  able  to  penetrate  them,  and  he  guessed  he 
couldn't  answer  that  question  till  he  had  consulted  the  authorities. 


The  Indian  children,  less  fortunate  than  the  white  juveniles,  are,  ex- 
cept in  a  few  isolated  instances,  unable  to  procure  the  luxury  of  a  sled. 
They  take  great  delight  in  coasting,  but  to  them  to  even  wish  for  a  sled 
is  to  launch  out  in  the  direction  of  the  unattainable.  To  make  up  for  this 
deprivation  they  have  invented  a  cheap  and  simple  contrivance  for  coast- 
ing, which,  though  less  comfortable  and  more  dangerous  than  a  sled,  en- 
ables them  to  pursue  the  sport  after  a  fashion.  Their  coasting  apparatus 
consists  simply  of  a  barrel  stave,  and  a  piece  of  rope  or  stout  cord  passed 
and  fastened  through  a  hole  in  one  end  of  the  stave.  They  stand  with 
the  right  foot  on  this  stave,  facing  the  string,  which  they  hold  in  their 
hands,  and  by  its  means  guide  their  craft ;  and  giving  themselves  a  start 
by  pushing  the  left  foot  on  the  ground,  go  scooting  down  the  steep  track 
in  the  position  taken  by  a  boy  skating  on  one  skate.  They  get  frequent 
falls  and  many  bumps,  but  the  little  wretches  are  as  tough  as  a  pine  knot, 
and  are  heedless  of  the  mishaps  which  befall  them.  Necessity  is  as  much 
the  mother  of  invention  to  the  redskin  as  she  is  to  his  white  brother. 


A  short  time  ago,  a  couple  of  Piute  Indians  went  to  a  store  on  Main 
Street  and  purchased  the  entire  stock  of  playing  cards  contained  therein. 
They  took  them  to  their  camps,  and  having  secretly  marked  each  one,  came 
back  to  the  store,  and  putting  on  that  look  of  misery  which  only  an  Indian 


INDIAN'S  AND   CHINESE.  223 

knows  how  to  assume,  whined  out  that  they  were  "heap  broke,"  and 
offered  to  sell  them  back  for  one-fourth  of  what  they  had  paid.  The  paste- 
boards were  purchased  on  these  terms,  and  were  subsequently  sold,  a  pack 
at  a  time,  to  the  Shoshone  Indians.  The  Piutes  knew  that  the  Shoshones 
made  their  purchases  at  this  particular  place ;  and  the  guileless  Shoshone, 
unaware  of  the  manipulation,  bought  and  played  poker  with  the  wily  Piute, 
without  a  suspicion  that  all  was  not — as  Governor  Bradley  would  say — 
"  on  the  dead  squarV  The  result  was,  the  Piutes  won  all  the  money  the 
Shoshones  possessed,  and  now  there  is  weeping,  and  wailing,  and  gnash- 
ing of  teeth,  and  sackcloth  and  ashes,  in  the  camp  of  the  Shoshone. 


Belmont  Johnny,  and  Topsey,  his  affinity,  the  principals  in  the  Sho- 
shone riot  night  before  last,  have  buried  the  hatchet,  shaken  hands  across 
the  bloody  chasm,  and  let  the  dead  past  bury  its  dead.  In  other  words, 
having  both  got  sober,  they  have  made  up  the  quarrel.  They  were  walk- 
ing Main  street  together  last  evening,  Topsey  all  smiles,  and  Johnny  with 
his  head  swollen  to  twice  its  natural  size,  and  bruised  and  cut  up  so  that 
he  was  hardly  recognizable.  Topsey,  being  interviewed,  gave  an  account 
of  the  affray  of  the  preceding  night,  as  follows  : 

"  Johnny  heap  dlink  wiskakee ;  heap  git  mad  cause  me  talk  other  In- 
jin ;  heap  blake  my  dless  ;  me  git  mad.  Me  knock  him  down  ;  heap  kick 
him  head ;  heap  git  eben,  you  bet." 

She  further  stated  that  Johnny  won  ten  dollars  at  poker  that  day,  and 
had  given  her  a  pair  of  shoes  as  a  peace-offering,  and  that  they  had  made 
it  up,  and  were  again  good  friends.  Where  do  the  Indians  get  their 
whisky  ? 


A  game  of  marbles  between  a  white  boy  and  an  Indian  youth  attracted 
quite  a  crowd  in  front  of  Horton  &  Sawtelle's,  yesterday  afternoon.  The 
sympathy  of  the  crowd  was,  of  course,  with  the  white  boy ;  but,  either 
through  good  luck  or  skill,  the  son  of  the  forest  got  away  with  the  bag- 
gage ;  and  as  the  shades  of  evening  closed  over  the  scene,  and  the  sun 
began  to  scoot  behind  the  hill,  the  red  boy  pocketed  the  white  boy's  white 
alley.  With  a  sigh  that  seemed  to  be  drawn  out  of  his  boots,  the  last 
boy  brushed  the  dirt  from  the  knees  of  his  Sunday  pants,  and  went  home 
and  read  in  his  Sunday-school  book  about  the  fate  of  the  wicked  little  boy 
who  played  marbles  on  Sunday,  who  lost  all  his  marbles,  ripped  the  seat 
of  his  breeches,  got  the  delights  whaled  out  of  him  by  a  big  boy,  and  got 
an  additional  dose  from  his  dad  as  a  punishment  for  letting  the  other  boy 
lick  him.  Truly,  the  way  of  the  transgressor  is  not  soft. 


224  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

Printers'  rollers— the  rollers  with  which  type  is  inked  on  the  press — 
are  composed  of  glue  and  molasses.  We  don't  know  the  exact  ingredients 
of  printers'  ink,  but  it  probably  contains  lamp-black,  turpentine,  epsom- 
salts,  coal-tar,  and  assafoedita.  The  combination  of  the  glue  and  molasses 
forms  a  composition  which  an  Indian  squaw  will  eat  with  as  much  delight 
as  a  white  boy  will  muzzle  a  jar  of  preserves.  After  being  used  a  certain 
length  of  time  the  rollers  become  impregnated  with  the  ink,  and  the  com- 
position is  torn  from  the  stock  on  which  it  is  fastened,  and  thrown  away. 
Then  is  the  opportunity  of  the  gentle  maidens  of  the  sagebrush.  They 
gather  up  the  discarded  material,  and  squat  on  the  ground,  and  hold  a 
roller-composition  festival.  It  is  the  molasses  in  it  that  attracts  them,  and 
they  deceive  themselves  into  the  belief  that  the  stuff  is  a  new  kind  of 
jujube-paste,  a  substance  which  it  much  resembles  in  appearance. 


There  was  a  close  struggle  between  the  wind  and  Mr.  Indian,  this 
afternoon,  for  the  possession  of  the  latter's  blanket.  The  red  man  wrapped 
the  blanket  closely  around  his  noble  form,  and  the  wind  tore  away  at  it 
like  "all  furiation" ;  but  the  son  of  the  forest  finally  obtained  the  victory 
by  sitting  on  it — the  blanket,  not  the  victory.  Indians  fear  windy  weather 
far  more  than  snow  or  cold,  as  their  wickiups  protect  them  in  a  great  meas- 
ure from  the  two  latter.  But  when  a  howling  wind  gets  to  rampaging  and 
cavorting  through  the  ragged  edges  of  the  flimsy  wickiup,  his  house  and 
home  are  likely  to  come  rattling  down  on  him  in  the  winking  of  a  cat's 
tail.  Captain  Tom,  a  representative  specimen  of  the  Piute  race,  sought 
shelter  in  the  REVEILLE  office  during  the  gale  of  this  afternoon,  and,  as  he 
listened  to  the  howling  of  the  wind,  remarked :  "  Him  wind  dam  humbug ; 
heap  bustem  wickiup." 


Somebody  dropped  some  quicksilver  on  the  sidewalk  on  Main  Street, 
to-day,  and  an  Indian  tried  to  pick  it  up.  First  he  made  a  grab  at  it  with 
his  thumb  and  forefinger,  and  was  astonished  when  he  found  he  couldn't 
pick  it  up.  He  was  determined  to  have  that  quicksilver,  anyhow  ;  so  he 
unwound  a  handkerchief  from  his  hat,  and,  spreading  it  on  the  ground,  got 
a  chip  and  scraped  the  quicksilver  into  it.  A  look  of  triumph  shot  from 
his  eagle  eye  as  he  gathered  up  the  four  corners  of  the  handkerchief  ;  but 
it  was  replaced  by  one  of  horror  and  disgust  when  the  metal  ran  through 
the  fabric  like  water  through  a  sieve.  Looking  at  the  metal,  as  it  lay  on 
the  ground,  in  a  puzzled  sort  of  way  for  a  moment,  he  launched  a  vicious 
kick  at  it,  and  uttering  the  ejaculation  used  by  a  keno-player  when  some 
other  fellow  makes  keno,  he  turned  on  his  heel  and  left  the  quicksilver  for 
some  other  untutored  son  of  the  forest  to  experiment  on. 


INDIANS  AND    CHINESE.  225 

Sara,  the  Indian  who  cleans  the  streets,  has  met  with  a  severe  bereave- 
ment in  the  loss  of  his  oldest  wife,  who  departed  this  life  night  before  last, 
at  her  residence  in  the  Indian  camp  on  the  hill  back  of  the  City  Hall.  Sam 
is  grief-stricken  over  the  loss  of  his  helpmeet,  and  shed  tears  profusely 
while  telling  of  it.  Said  he :  "  Him  woman  keep  me  heap  long  time  ;  me 
so  sorry  she  die ;  other  wife  too  young ;  no  got  much  sense ;  don't  keep 
me  so  long  as  old  woman."  Although  he  has  got  a  young  and  pretty  wife 
to  console  him  for  his  loss,  and  although  the  deceased  sharer  of  his  sor- 
rows and  bearer  of  his  burdens  was  old  and  homely,  Sam  seems  to  feel 
very  bad  over  her  death,  and  to  not  entertain  a  very  great  affection  for 
the  living  wife,  who  is  the  best-looking  Piute  squaw  in  that  portion  of  the 
tribe  resident  here. 


A  squaw  in  a  millinery  store,  purchasing  a  new  "  bunnit "  to  wear  at 
the  fandango,  which  shortly  comes  off  at  Stillwater,  was  what  this  reporter 
beheld  last  evening.  She  was  as  fastidious  and  as  hard  to  please  as  a 
white  woman  is  when  engaged  in  a  similar  pastime,  and  tried  on,  and  looked 
in  the  mirror  to  see  how  it  became  her,  nearly  every  hat  in  the  establish- 
ment. Having  made  her  selection,  she  rolled  it  in  her  hanukerchief,  and 
putting  it  under  her  arm,  marched  out  of  the  store,  saying  to  herself  in 
the  Indian  tongue :  "  I'd  just  like  to  see  the  shape  of  the  copper-colored 
woman  that  can  put  on  more  style  than  I  can  at  that  fandango." 


The  sudden  advent  of  cold  weather  caught  Mr.  Indian  napping,  he 
not  having  yet  put  his  house  in  order,  and  exchanged  his  linen  ulster  for 
a  beaver  overcoat  lined  with  sealskin.  The  old  man  and  his  wife  and  his 
son  and  his  daughter,  likewise  his  aunt  and  his  mother-in-law,  turned  out 
of  their  wickiup  early  this  morning,  and  the  whole  family  might  have  been 
seen  shivering  over  the  bonfires  built  on  Main  Street  of  the  rubbish  swept 
out  from  the  stores.  Last  week,  the  noble  son  of  the  forest  elevated  his 
nose  and  uttered  an  unseemly  ejaculation  when  offered  work;  to-day,  he 
goes  around  pleading  for  a  chance  to  chop  a  little  wood,  saying :  "  Heap 
cold ;  me  heap  dam  hungly." 


Judge  John  is  a  venerable  sage  of  the  Piute  tribe,  whose  face  is  fa- 
miliar to  the  majority  of  the  people  of  Austin.  The  Judge  usually  wears 
a  dilapidated  plug  hat,  but  when  he  came  into  the  REVEILLE  office  this 
morning  his  head  was  destitute  of  that  adornment,  its  place  being  supplied 
by  a  dirty  and  tattered  cloth. 
15 


226  THE  SAZERAO  LYING    CLUB. 

"Where's  your  plug,  John?"  inquired  our  devil,  addressing  himself 
to  the  Indian  and  pointing  at  his  head.  And  the  red  man  made  answer 
thus: 

"  Me  flug  him  heap  git  old ;  maybeso  heap  pooty  quick  heap  blake 
(break) ;  me  put  him  my  wickiup  so  keep  him  for  Sunday.  Sunday  heap 
my  head  put  'em  on  flug;  heap  put  'em  on  style — all  same  Jludge  Logan." 


The  fine  weather  has  encouraged  the  Indians  to  resume  playing  mar- 
bles, and  numerous  groups  of  them  were  to  be  seen  about  the  streets  to- 
day engaged  in  that  absorbing  sport.  To  an  unaccustomed  eye,  it  looks 
strange  to  see  a  lot  of  grown-up  men,  ranging  in  age  from  twenty  to  forty 
years,  playing  marbles  with  all  the  glee  and  interest  of  ten-year  old  white 
boys ;  but  we  are  used  to  it  in  this  country,  and  it  excites  no  comment. 
In  such  a  matter  as  play,  the  Indian  is  but  a  child,  and  it  is  a  common 
thing  for  adult  Indians  and  fathers  of  families  to  indulge  in  the  sports  of 
small  white  boys.  Tops,  marbles,  and  sleds  are  favorite  pastimes  with  the 
Indians,  and,  uext  to  food  and  whisky,  are  looked  upon  by  them  as  the 
grandest  pi  oducts  of  the  white  man's  civilization. 


The  provident  Indian  covers  his  hat  with  a  dirty  handkerchief  to  pro- 
tect it  from  the  snow.  The  improvident  Indian  hasn't  got  either  hat  or 
handkerchief.  The  provident  Indian  is  the  one  that  is  successful  at  poker. 
When  the  red  man  gambles,  he  plays  for  all  that's  out.  As  "  the  boys  " 
say,  "  he's  blooded  "  ;  and  when  luck  is  against  him,  he  plays  off  hat,  coat, 
boots,  horse,  wife,  everything.  When  he  has  had  a  run  of  bad  luck,  and 
the  weather  is  as  severe  as  that  of  to-day,  he  lays  down  behind  a  woodpile 
and  takes  his  solemn  oath  that  he  will  never  touch  another  card  as  long  as 
he  lives;  but  soon  recovers  from  his  fit  of  despondency,  and  hunts  a  job 
to  earn  money  with  which  to  again  woo  the  fickle  goddess. 


An  aged  squaw,  who  had  evidently  struck  a  bonanza  of  discarded 
clothes,  strutted  proudly  up  the  center  of  Main  Street  this  forenoon.  Over 
her  ragged  dress  she  wore  a  tattered  under-garment  of  the  feminine  persua- 
sion, what  edges  were  left  of  it  being  richly  embroidered.  We  don't  know 
the  name  of  the  article,  but  do  know  that  it  was  not  a  gentleman's  shirt. 
The  head  of  the  aboriginal  female  was  decorated  with  a  hat  that  once  was 
new,  garnished  with  feathers,  flowers,  and  ribbons,  all  tattered  and  torn, 


INDIANS  AND    CHINESE.  '227 

and  her  feet  were  encased  in  a  pair  of  miner's  boots.  Under  her  arm  she 
carried  a  yellow  cur,  and  as  she  strutted  through  the  street  she  was  the 
observed  of  all  observers,  and  seemed  conscious  and  proud  of  the  attention 
her  appearance  attracted. 


The  horse  trough  on  Main  Street,  just  above  the  REVEILLE  office,  is 
where  the  Indians  who  live  and  have  their  being  in  and  about  Austin  per- 
form their  ablutions.  The  washing  is  confined  to  their  faces,  hands,  and 
hair ;  their  bodies  are  never  washed  from  the  moment  of  birth  until  they 
are  summoned  to  the  happy  hunting  ground.  Taking  a  bath  would  be 
considered  by  a  Shoshone  or  Piute  as  an  unwarrantable  waste  of  water, 
which  at  least  shows  that  they  feel  the  touch  of  nature  which  makes  a  good 
many  people  kin;  as  now  and  again,  during  the  course  of  the  white  man's 
career,  he  meets  with  instances  where  white  men  and  women  take  a  simi- 
lar view  to  the  Indian  on  the  bath  question. 


Some  people  think  it  very  funny  to  chaff  a  squaw,  and  sometimes, 
when  the  squaw  talks  back,  they  don't  think  it  quite  so  funny.  A  case  in 
point  occurred  in  town  the  other  day.  A  group  of  men  were  standing  in 
front  of  a  popular  Main  Street  saloon,  when  a  squaw  leading  a  pappoose 
came  along.  One  of  the  party  hailed  the  squaw  with — 

"  Hello,  Sally,  whose  baby  is  that  ?  " 

The  daughter  of  the  forest  stopped  and  eyed  her  questioner,  and  then, 
pointing  her  finger  at  him,  said  earnestly : 

"  Him  your  pappoose." 

There  was  considerable  laughing  from  the  bystanders,  but  they  were 
not  laughing  at  the  squaw. 


Captain  Tom  entered  our  sanctum,  this  morning,  and  informed  us  that 
he  "maybeso  heap  go  Carson,  see  Governor  Bradley;  maybeso  heap 
catchum  beef,"  and  requested  us  to  furnish  him  with  a  paper.  By  virtue 
of  the  authority  vested  in  us,  we  drew  up  a  paper  for  the  worthy  Captain, 
commending  him  to  the  good  will  of  all  white  men,  who  are  therein  di- 
rected to  furnish  Tom  and  his  family  with  whatever  cast-off  clothes  or 
victuals  they  may  need.  The  document  is  adorned  with  eleven  gilt  and 
five  red  seals,  and  its  imposing  appearance  will  command  the  awe  and  re- 
spect of  every  Indian  in  the  country.  Thomas  inclosed  the  document  in 
the  lining  of  his  plug  hat,  fully  satisfied  that  it  was  carte  blanche  to  b<  g 
in  any  part  of  the  civilized  globe. 


228  THE  SAZERAC  LYIJSTG    CLUB. 

Human  nature  is  the  same  the  world  over,  and  an  Indian  child  takes 
as  much  pleasure  in  a  doll  as  does  a  white  one.  We  were  amused  this 
afternoon  by  observing  a  little  Indian  girl,  apparently  about  three  years  old, 
who  had  found  the  head  of  a  china  doll,  probably  cast  away  by  some 
white  child,  which  she  was  fondling  and  nursing  and  talking  to  after  the 
manner  of  ordinary  doll-mothers.  Frequently  we  see  on  the  street  little 
mites  of  Indian  girls  with  miniature  baskets,  containing  rag  pappooses,  on 
their  backs,  which  answer  the  same  purpose  to  them  as  the  most  expensive 
and  elaborately-gotten-up  doll  does  to  a  white  child. 


The  sun  has  shone  brightly  to-day,  and  the  daughters  of  the  forest 
took  advantage  of  the  circumstance  to  squat  on  the  street  corners  where 
its  rays  could  strike  them  squarely,  and  get  out  their  fine-tooth  combs  and 
sticks  of  cosmetic,  and  shine  up  their  luxuriant  locks  and  make  it  warm  for 
insect  life.  At  noon  to-day,  they  could  be  seen  scattered  all  over  the  north 
side  of  Main  Street,  and  all  busily  engaged  in  some  occupation.  Some 
were  playing  cards,  some  making  gowns,  some  spanking  their  pappooses, 
and  others  stringing  beads.  They  seem  to  be  a  happy  set,  and  the  summit 
of  bliss  is  reached  by  them  when  they  have  full  stomachs  and  can  find  a 
streak  of  sunshine  to  bask  in. 


Everybody  has  heard  of  the  costume  of  the  Georgia  major,  which 
consisted  of  a  collar  and  pair  of  spurs  j  but  a  young  Indian  appeared  on 
Main  Street  to-day  in  a  costume  almost  as  scanty.  It  consisted  of  a 
jacket  and  a  piece  of  buckskin  string.  The  appearance  of  the  young  ab- 
origine created  a  great  deal  of  merriment  among  the  people  on  the  street, 
but  we  noticed  that  most  of  the  ladies  either  turned  up  a  side  street  or 
only  looked  at  him  from  behind  their  pocket-handkerchiefs.  The  child 
was  too  young  to  appreciate  the  attention  he  attracted,  but  his  father 
seemed  proud  that  his  offspring  was  so  generally  noticed  by  the  white  men. 


On  Saturday  night  last,  a  Piute,  with  disheveled  hair,  distended  eyes, 
and  a  general  look  of  wildness,  rushed  into  Sower's  store,  and  throwing 
down  a  dollar,  excitedly  exclaimed  : 

"  Gimme  deck  cards  and  four  bits  candles ! " 

We  knew  by  his  excitement  and  eagerness  to  obtain  the  articles  that 
a  big  poker  game  must  be  in  progress  on  the  hill,  so  we  questioned  him 
regarding  it. 


INDIANS  AND    CHINESE.  229 

"  Yes,"  he  replied,  "  heap  big  poker  game ;  me  heap  loser ;  play  'em 
all  night — maybeso  get  even  ;  hell !  dam !  "  and  grabbing  the  cards  and 
candles  he  struck  a  bee-line  for  the  camp  on  the  hill. 


A  squaw  sat  down  on  the  curb  in  front  of  the  Post-Office,  this  fore- 
noon, and  unrolling  a  bundle  of  calico,  commenced  to  manufacture  a  dress. 
In  less  than  an  hour  it  was  finished ;  and  putting  it  on  over  her  old  clothes, 
she  pulled  out  a  pin  here,  a  peg  there,  and  untied  a  string  in  another  place, 
made  one  step,  and,  presto  !  the  old  clothes  lay  in  the  gutter.  Gathering 
up  the  rags  just  shed,  the  noble  daughter  of  the  sagebrush  cast  one  look  of 
triumph  on  the  spectators,  and  skipped  gracefully  off  in  the  direction  of  the 
Indian  camp,  as  proud  as  a  Saratoga  belle  at  the  first  ball  of  the  season. 


Captain  Breckenridge,  sub-chief  of  the  Piutes,  called  on  us  in  our 
sanctum  yesterday,  and  requested  that  we  would  "  put  'em  in  noo'paper 
that  he  was  in  town,  come  Stillwater  four  days."  The  reason  he  assigned 
for  desiring  this  notice  inserted  was,  that  he  wanted  Naches,  the  chief,  to 
know  he  was  here ;  and  some  white  man  in  Winnemucca  would  read  the 
paper  and  tell  it  to  Naches.  Breckenridge  told  us  all  about  his  visit  to 
San  Francisco  to  see  General  McDowell,  and  said  that  city  "too  many 
people,  heap,  lots  people,"  and  he  even  hinted  that  there  are  more  people 
in  that  city  than  there  are  in  Austin. 


We  did  not  attend  the  grand  ball  given  by  the  Piutes  to  the  Sho- 
shones  in  Crow  Cafion  last  night ;  but  Captain  Steve  informs  us  that  it 
was  a  grand  success,  and  that  Pine-nut  Jane  was  the  belle  throughout  the 
early  part  of  the  evening ;  but  that,  unfortunately,  she  became  involved  in 
a  game  of  Indian  poker  with  Horned-toad  Sally,  in  which  she  lost  her  gor- 
geous attire  on  a  queen-full,  and  her  place  as  belle  was  taken  by  the  afore- 
said Sally.  Steve  says  everything  passed  off  peaceably.  "  No  dlinkum 
whisakee ;  no  fightum." 


No  class  of  our  population  takes  more  kindly  to  the  sport  of  coasting 
than  the  Indians ;  and  during  the  time  when  the  fun  is  at  its  height,  the 
sled  of  the  red  man  may  be  seen  moving,  with  democratic  familiarity, 
close  to  that  of  his  white  brother.  The  white  man  coasts  noisily ;  the  In- 


230  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

dian  quietly.  The  first  goes  with  a  shout ;  a  "  hi-hi,"  or  a  toot-horn ;  the 
latter  never  utters  a  sound  until  the  end  of  the  track  is  reached.  He  sits 
on  his  sled  oblivious  to  all  earthly  things  but  the  sport  in  which  he  is  en- 
gaged, his  face  beaming  with  pleasure  and  excitement,  but  by  no  sound 
does  he  betray  how  thoroughly  and  entirely  his  soul  is  filled  with  the  en- 
joyment of  the  moment. 


Yesterday  morning,  while  passing  down  Main  Street,  we  observed  a 
squaw  seated  on  the  sidewalk  dandling  her  babe.  The  infant  was  not  to 
exceed  a  week  old,  and  all  the  covering  on  it  consisted  of  a  breech-clout  • 
but,  though  the  air  was  raw  and  sharp,  it  did  not  seem  to  suffer  in  the 
least  from  the  cold,  but  crowed  as  merrily  as  if  its  father  owned  the  big 
bonanza,  and  it  was  clad  in  purple  and  fine  linen,  and  a  patent  India-rubber 
what-you-call-'em. 


A  resident  of  Austin  has  an  Indian  employed  in  chopping  wood  at 
his  residence,  and  that  the  aforesaid  is  an  aborigine  who  goes  through  the 
world  with  his  eyes  open  is  evidenced  by  what  is  as  follows  narrated  : 

Yesterday  (Sunday)  the  Indian  refused  to  chop  any  wood,  and  when 
his  employer  asked  him  the  reason  of  his  refusal,  he  replied : 

"  Heap  no  work  Sunday ;  all  same  whita  man,  heap  play  poker." 

Jim  evidently  recognizes  Sunday  as  a  day  of  rest  in  its  full  sense. 


Not  more  than  a  dozen  Indians  are  left  in  town,  and  the  absence  of 
the  noble  red  men  and  their  consorts  creates  a  blank  not  easily  filled.  For 
washing,  chopping  wood,  and  various  other  menial  services,  the  sons  and 
daughters  of  the  forest  are  able  and  reliable  citizens,  and  those  who  de- 
pend on  them  to  perform  such  services  sadly  deplore  their  absence ;  but 
the  pine-nut  crop  must  be  gathered  if  every  restaurant  in  town  has  to  close 
its  doors  and  if  every  woman  has  to  die  at  the  wash-tub  and  lose  her 
piano  practice. 


Owing  to  the  near  approach  of  the  Fourth  of  July,  the  Piutes  are 
disinclined  to  leave  Austin  and  go  to  Stillwater,  as  requested  by  a  mes- 
sage from  Breckenridge,  their  sub-chief.  They  say  they  are  doing  pretty 
well  here,  and  that  it'  they  go  to  Stillwater,  "  maybeso  heap  hungry." 

There  was  never  a  small  white  boy  that  looked  forward  to  the  Fourth 


INDIANS  AND    CHINESE.  231 

of  July  with  more  joyous  anticipation  than  does  an  Indian,  and  he  would 
rather  sacrifice  his  chances  of  salvation  than  miss  the  opportunity  of  tak- 
ing a  hand  in  the  celebration  of  that  day. 


Belmont  Johnny,  a  Shoshone  Indian,  hailed  us  on  the  street  yester- 
day, and  asked  us  if  we  knew  how  to  "  mark  stamped  cards."  Of  course 
we  immediately  denied  the  possession  of  any  such  wicked  knowledge ;  but 
the  guileless  Indian  thinks  a  newspaper  editor  knows  everything.  How- 
ever, we  asked  Johnny  the  object  of  his  question,  and  he  explained  that 
he  wanted  to  get  some  white  man  to  mark  a  deck  of  cards  for  him,  and 
teach  him  to  read  them  by  the  backs. 

"And  what  then,  Johnny?" 

And  in  reply  he  said  : 

"  Me  heap  break  every  Piute  son  of  gun  in  Austin." 

The  Indian  did  not  use  the  word  "gun"  as  above  quoted,  but  we 
substitute  it  for  the  word  he  really  did  say,  as  a  figure  of  speech,  as  it 
were.  Johnny  speaks  English  plainly,  and  has  acquired  to  its  full  extent 
the  white  man's  facility  of  forcible  expression. 


The  noble  red  man  has  found  a  new  sphere  of  usefulness,  and  in  defi- 
ance of  the  Civil  Rights  Bill  has  trenched  upon  a  field  hitherto  given  over 
exclusively  to  the  colored  man.  We  refer  to  the  art  of  whitewashing,  in 
the  practice  of  which  we  to-day  saw  a  stalwart  brave  engaged.  He  han- 
dled the  brush  with  all  the  dexterity  of  his  African  prototype,  and  his  ad- 
miring squaw,  who  sat  on  the  ground  watching  him,  remarked  to  a  by- 
stander : 

"  Maybeso  bimebye,  him  heap  paint,  all  same  white  man." 


We  can  imagine  no  greater  misery  than  to  be  a  non-English-speaking 
Indian  in  such  weather  as  the  present.  Put  yourself  in  his  place,  and  im- 
agine yourself  the  inhabitant  of  a  residence  composed  of  old  gunny-sacks 
and  containing  more  holes  than  house,  and  then  depict  to  yourself  the 
affliction  of  being  unable  to  curse  the  weather  in  a  string  of  good,  round, 
North  American  oaths.  The  Indian  language  contains  no  words  capable 
of  expressing  a  man's  true  inwardness  under  such  circumstances. 


232  THE  SAZERAC  LYING  CLUB. 

Sacramento  is  excited  over  a  red-headed  squaw,  who  is  looked  upon 
there  as  a  great  curiosity.  She  would  not  be  a  curiosity  in  Reese  River 
Valley,  where  young  Indians  with  hair  of  all  the  shades  that  hair  assumes 
can  be  seen  at  any  time.  Only  the  other  day  we  saw  a  squaw  sitting  on 
the  curbstone  on  Main  Street,  who  had  true  blonde  hair  and  a  pull-back 
dress.  In  reply  to  a  question  as  to  the  paternity  of  the  half-breed,  one  of 
her  companion  squaws  simply  said  :  t(  Heap  coalburner." 


The  rage  with  the  white  boys  at  present  is  kites,  and  of  course  the 
Indian  boys  follow  suit,  and  imitate  to  the  best  of  their  crude  ability.  The 
kite  is  a  new  revelation  to  the  Indian,  but  he  takes  to  it  naturally  never- 
theless. The  kite  used  by  the  Indian  boys  is  a  clumsy  affair  at  best — just 
a  piece  of  paper  tied  to  a  string,  and  it  will  not  fly ;  but  the  red  urchins 
get  lots  of  fun  out  of  it  and  play  with  it  by  the  hour,  fondly  hugging  the 
delusion  that  they  are  flying  a  kite. 


In  front  of  the  Cosmopolitan  Saloon,  yesterday  afternoon,  three  stal- 
wart Piutes  were  engaged  in  a  game  of  Indian  poker,  the  stakes  in  which 
were  chewing-gum.  Each  Indian  would  bite  off  a  piece  from  the  wad  of 
gum  in  his  mouth  and  place  it  in  the  4t  pot,"  and  the  one  holding  the  high 
hand  would  rake  down  the  three  pieces  and  put  them  in  his  mouth.  The 
sons  of  the  forest  were  as  deeply  absorbed  in  the  game  as  if  the  stakes  had 
been  thousands. 


The  love-making  season  has  opened  among  the  Indians,  and  house- 
keepers find  it  almost  impossible  to  secure  their  services  for  the  various 
kinds  of  labor  to  which  they  are  accustomed.  A  lady  of  this  city,  this 
morning,  sent  her  little  boy  to  find  an  Indian  to  chop  some  wood.  After 
an  absence  of  several  hours  the  boy  returned  and  laconically  reported : 

"  Can't  get  one  ;  all  off  huntin'  squaws." 


A  picture  of  happiness,  supreme  and  complete,  is  an  Indian  lad  with 
two  hats  on  his  head,  a  man's  boot  on  one  foot,  a  woman's  gaiter  on  the 
other,  and  a  flag  of  truce  fluttering  in  the  wind  from  a  breach  in  his  rear 
entrenchments,  as  he  skips  along  trying  to  fly  a  white  boy's  discarded  kite, 
and  both  ignorant  and  unmindful  of  the  philosophy  of  the  tail. 


INDIANS  AND    CHINESE.  233 

Some  squaws  found  a  battered  umbrella  in  the  street  this  morning, 
and  they  thought  it  was  a  ready-made  wickiup.  A  brave  who  sat  smok- 
ing a  cigarette  on  a  goods  box,  watching  the  dusky  maidens  as  they  squat- 
ted under  the  umbrellageous  shade,  remarked  to  a  white  brother  standing 
near: 

"  Injun  squaw  all  same  white  squaw ;  heap  scared  sun  freeze  him  face, 
no  look  pooty." 


The  snow  was  falling  thick  and  fast,  and  a  member  of  one  of  the 
first  Piute  families  sat  shivering  under. the  shelter  of  an  abandoned  char- 
coal sack,  which  served  him  for  a  blanket.  As  the  REVEILLE  reporter 
passed  him,  Lo  the  poor  Indian  raised  his  noble  head,  and  cocking  his  left- 
eye  up  toward  the  obscured  sky,  remarked  in  piteous  tones : 

"Heap  dam  cold  to-day." 


An  Indian  came  into  our  sanctum,  to-day,  to  tell  us  about  the  eclipse. 
He  said  the  Indian  word  for  an  eclipse  of  the  sun  is  "  annonguiyaipe," 
which  signifies,  literally,  buried — "All  same  you  dead  and  cold  and  covered 
up  in  the  ground." 


People  who  imagine  that  the  Indian  cannot  be  civilized  and  educated 
would  acknowledge  themselves  mistaken  were  they  to  see  an  Indian  youth 
knuckling  down  close  to  a  china  alley,  and  hear  him  cry  "  Fen  kicks ! " 
and  "  Knuckle  down  close,  you  son-of-a-cloudburst ! " 


Some  white  men  tackled  some  Indians  in  a  game  of  Indian  poker  to- 
day; but  the  son  of  the  forest  rung  in  a  cold  deck  and  cleaned  up  all  the 
money  on  the  blanket,  and  then  the  pale  faces  said  he  was  a  son  of  some- 
thing else  than  the  forest. 


The  Indians  have  evidently  heard  of  Pleasanton's  blue-glass  cure. 
Yesterday  afternoon,  a  sick  Piute  was  sitting  in  the  sun  on  Union  street, 
clad  only  in  a  pair  of  blue  overalls  and  a  pair  of  blue-glass  goggles. 


234  THE  SAZERAC   LYING    CLUB. 


Hans. 

There  is  a  barber  shop  in  Austin  conducted  by  Germans,  and  in  their 
employment  is  a  Chinaman  whom  they  have  dubbed  "  Hans."  He  is  an 
observing  Celestial,  and,  like  all  of  his  race,  apt  in  learning  American  cus- 
toms and  phrases.  The  Chinese  are  notoriously  imitative,  and  about  the 
first  thing  American  that  they  learn  is  to  swear.  Their  native  vocabulary 
has  no  words  of  such  strong  emphasis  as  the  Nevada  oath,  and  conse- 
quently the  acquisition  of  a  language  containing  words  that  enables  a  man 
to  give  a  full  expression  to  his  true  feelings,  is  one  of  the  greatest  boons 
the  Mongolian  has  gained  by  the  contact  with  our  superior  civilization. 
Hans  is  doubly  fortunate  in  this  respect ;  for,  in  addition  to  his  knowledge 
of  nearly  all  the  leading  American  expletives,  he  has  a  fair  store  of  the 
most  elaborate  German  oaths  and  by-words,  and  can  swear  grammatically 
in  the  two  languages,  with  dialectic  variations.  He  is  quite  a  philosopher 
in  his  way,  and  loud  in  denunciations  of  the  leading  vices  and  sins  of  his 
race.  Among  other  things  he  abhors  opium-smoking.  The  habit  is  a 
curse  to  any  people,  and  contact  with  the  Chinese  has  corrupted  a  large 
number  of  the  young  men  and  women  of  the  Pacific  Coast  to  the  adoption 
of  this  terrible,  degrading,  mind,  body,  and  soul-destroying  evil.  It  is 
practiced  almost  universally  by  the  Chinese,  and  is  spreading  among  the 
whites  to  such  an  extent  that  stringent  legislation  and  strong  prohibitory 
laws  have  been  found  necessary  to  check  its  demoralization  of  our  youth. 
Knowing  the  strong  opinions  entertained  by  Hans  on  this  subject,  and 
having  myself  seen  its  effects  in  the  lack-luster  eyes  and  wretched  faces 
of  those  whites  who  were  addicted  to  the  habit,  I  one  day  questioned 
him  as  to  the  effects  of  the  use  of  the  drug  on  his  countrymen.  His  reply 
was  prompt,  terse,  and  to  the  point.  Said  he : 

"  Chinaman  smoke  opium  one  year,  he  all  same  monkey,  all  same  white 
man  "  ;  a  comparison  I  did  not  appreciate,  but  which  served  to  show  that 
a  frank  answer  is  not  always  flattering. 

Hans  is  also  opposed  to  the  female  slavery  practices  of  his  country- 
men. The  Chinese  who  immigrate  to  America  are  seldom  accompanied 
by  their  families.  They  do  not  come  here  to  remain,  and  therefore  have 
no  home  ties.  The  majority  of  the  males  are  brought  to  this  coast  under 
a  system  of  coolieism,  which,  although  not  actual  slavery,  is  the  next  thing 
to  it.  But  the  women  who  come  are  absolute  slaves,  having  a  high  value 
as  chattels,  varying  with  age,  physical  attractions,  and  condition.  They 
are  imported  by  the  wealthy  Chinamen  of  San  Francisco — if  not  directly 
by  the  great  "  Six  Companies,"  which  control  all  the  Chinese  in  America 
— and  the  purpose  of  their  importation  is  the  vilest  that  can  be  conceived. 
Hans  is  about  the  only  Chinaman  whom  I  ever  heard  denounce  this  in- 
famous system.  He  says  it  is  "too  muchee  bad;  sell  woman  all  same 
Melican  man  sell  mule  " ;  and  he  expresses  a  determination  never  to  own 


INDIANS  AND    CHINESE.  235 

one  of  his  countrywomen  by  this  method.  Talking  about  matrimony,  he 
said : 

"  Me  get  lich,  me  go  Chiny,  make  love  nicee  tiptop  Chiny  girl ;  heap 
marry  him,  all  same  white  man." 

But  when  asked  if  he  would  bring  his  wife  to  this  country,  he  repliecW 

"  Not  by  dam  sight.  Some  dam  tiefee  Chinaman  stealee  him  and  sell 
him." 

Once,  a  Chinaman  passing  the  shop  where  Hans  is  employed,  and  see- 
ing him  engaged  in  putting  a  shine  on  a  customer's  boots,  derisively  called 
him  something  which  sounded  like  "  Tu-na-ma-hing — highlowjackandthe- 
game,"  which  Hans  afterward  explained  was  Chinese  for  bootblack.  Hans 
immediately  replied  in  good,  solid  English,  "Go  to  blazes,  you  rat-eating 
scrub ! "  and  in  a  tone  that  indicated  the  utmost  contempt  for  everything 
wearing  pig-tails,  "  Me  no  washwoman  Chinaman." 


Hong  Sing  claimed  that  Sam  King  owed  him  two  hundred  dollars ; 
Sam  Hing  said  he  didn't,  and  both  Celestials  agreed  to  leave  the  matter  to 
the  arbitration  of  the  heads  of  the  different  wash-house  companies  in  town, 
who  consulted  together  and  pronounced  a  verdict  that  Hing  must  go  down 
to  the  graveyard  and  solemnly  cut  off  a  rooster's  head  that  he  was  not  in- 
debted to  Sing  in  the  above  named  amount,  decreeing  likewise  that  Hing 
should  pay  Sing  $2.50  for  taking  the  oath — a  sort  of  notary's  fee,  as  it  were. 
In  accordance  with  this  verdict  the  parties  litigant,  in  company  with  a 
number  of  other  Chinamen,  armed  with  knives,  bludgeons,  and  six-shooters, 
repaired  to  the  graveyard,  where  Hing  decapitated  the  fowl  over  the  grave 
of  a  departed  countryman,  and  solemnly  asseverated  that  he  didn't  owe 
Sing  a  dog-goned  cent.  Sing  paid  Hing  the  $2.50  for  taking  the  oath,  and 
then  foolishness  was  about  to  commence ;  but  the  City  Marshal,  who  was 
on  the  watch,  stepped  in  and  read  the  riot  act,  and  disarmed  the  party, 
capturing  a  number  of  six-shooters,  knives,  and  iron  bars.  Had  it  not  been 
for  the  interference  of  the  Marshal,  there  would  have  been  bloodshed, 
and  Hong  Sing's  bones  would  have  been  put  in  condition  for  shipment  to 
the  Flowery  Kingdom.  He  remarked  to  the  Marshal  that  "  maybe  so  you 
no  come,  me  no  more  washee." 


Owing  to  the  high  license  levied  on  banking  games  by  the  State  laws, 
the  Chinese  of  Austin  no  longer  play  their  national  game  of  "  Tan,"  but 
have  substituted  therefor  the  good,  old-fashioned,  North  American  draw- 
poker.  Each  night,  when  the  hour  arrives  for  business,  a  Celestial  stands 
on  the  single  street  of  Chinatown,  and,  in  a  voice  which  can  be  heard 


236  THE  SAZERAG  LYING    CLUB. 

throughout  the  quarter  and  the  neighborhood  surrounding,  proclaims  that 
the  game  is  open  to  all  comers.  The  proclamation  is  uttered  in  the  Chi- 
nese language,  and  literally  translated  is  as  follows : 

"  Hear  ye !  Hear  ye !  The  poker  game  of  the  Chinese  quarter,  in  and 
for  Lander  County,  State  of  Nevada,  is  now  open ;  free  for  all,  without 
regard  to  age,  sex,  or  previous  condition  of  servitude.  Come  one,  come 
all — white,  black,  yellow,  and  copper-colored — and  take  a  hand  in  the 
game  of  the  barbarian." 

When  the  crier  has  concluded,  the  Chinamen  rush  into  the  house 
where  the  game  is  played,  and  business  commences.  There  is  scarcely  a 
night  that  white  men  may  not  be  seen,  side  by  side  with  Chinese,  deep  in 
the  mysteries  of  poker ;  and,  though  the  white  players  cannot  translate 
the  words  of  the  proclamation,  they  know  by  the  sound  and  by  instinctive 
feeling  that  it  is  a  solemn  announcement  of  the  opening  of  the  game. 


Out  at  the  Chase  Mine,  New  York  Cafion,  the  miners  have  been  greatly 
troubled  by  mountain  rats.  They  have  been  a  particular  source  of  annoy- 
ance to  the  Chinese  cook,  and  he  had  vowed  by  all  the  gods  of  the  Flowery 
Kingdom  to  wreak  a  bitter  vengeance  on  the  first  marauding  rodent  which 
should  fall  into  his  clutches.  Last  Saturday,  while  busily  engaged  in  cut- 
ting meat  for  the  morning's  hash,  he  heard  a  rustling  noise,  and  looking 
round,  saw  what  he  supposed  to  be  a  rat's  head  protruding  through  a  crack 
in  the  floor.  Seizing  a  carving-fork,  and  gliding  stealthily  up  to  the  ob- 
ject, he  plunged  it  into  its  body,  and,  with  a  yell  of  triumph,  uplifted  the 
impaled  animal,  exclaiming,  "  Me  catchee  dam  lat !  "  The  miners,  hearing 
his  cries,  rushed  into  the  kitchen ;  but  paused  on  the  threshold,  for  they 
smelt  a  smell.  About  this  time,  the  Chinaman  smelt  something  too,  and 
exclaiming,  "  Hi  yah,  me  smellee  hell ! "  dropped  the  fork,  and  broke  from 
the  room.  The  animal  which  he  had  impaled  was  one  of  the  genus  known 
scientifically  as  Mephitis  Americana^  vulgarly  termed  a  skunk. 


A  Chinaman  with  a  terrapin  attracted  a  crowd  on  one  of  the  street 
corners,  at  noon  yesterday,  and  various  were  the  conjectures  as  to  what 
kind  of  a  bug  it  might  be.  One  called  it  a  mud-turtle,  another  an  ostrich, 
and  one  man  was  even  bold  enough  to  pronounce  it  a  whale.  The  Indians, 
who  composed  a  portion  of  the  crowd,  were  greatly  puzzled  over  what 
was  to  them  an  entirely  strange  bird ;  and  one  noble  red  man,  in  reply  to 
an  inquiry  as  to  his  opinion  of  what  it  was,  said,  "  Maybe-so  him  father 
tarantula ;  him  mother  horn-toad."  The  Chinaman  stated  that  he  had  a 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  237 

dozen  of  them,  for  which  he  asked  one  dollar  apiece ;  and  when  one  of  the 
crowd  tried  to  cheapen  the  animal  he  said : 

"  Yesterday  me  sell  'em  one  dollar  quartah ;  man  keep  saloon  buy  one, 
and  woman  like  one  put  him  in  cage — all  same -bird.  Me  got  too  many; 
sell  him  one  dollah — belly  cheap." 


All  Chinatown  was  drunk  last  night,  owing  to  the  copious  potations 
of  rice  brandy  indulged  in  by  the  Chinamen  at  the  dinner  in  honor  of  the 
opening  of  the  new  store  of  the  Fat  Chung  Company.  During  the  night 
the  Chinamen  got  up  a  game  something  on  the  principle  of  "  Simon  says 
thumbs  up,"  the  penalty  of  losing  being  that  the  loser  must  take  a  drink 
of  China  brandy.  White  men  were  allowed  to  take  part  in  the  game,  and 
one  of  them,  as  soon  as  he  dropped  on  it  that  the  loser  had  to  take  a  drink, 
commenced  "throwing  off,"  and  got  "stuck"  every  time.  His  dodge 
was  soon  detected  by  the  Chinamen,  and  before  the  white  player  had  lost 
games  enough  to  get  up  a  respectable  drunk,  he  -was  indignantly  "  barred 
out "  of  the  game,  and  ignominiously  "  fired  out "  of  the  house. 


A  Celestial  maiden  named  Sing  Loy  passed  in  her  checks,  in  China- 
town, yesterday  afternoon,  from  the  effects  of  a  dose  of  opium  adminis- 
tered with  suicidal  intent.  Jealousy  was  the  cause  which  led  the  maiden 
to  commit  the  rash  act  which  terminated  her  earthly  career  and  shut  her 
off  forever  from  breathing  the  rarefied  atmosphere  of  this  altitudinous  re- 
gion. She  was  the  wife,  or  chattel,  of  "  Doc,"  a  Chinaman.  The  bereaved 
"  Doc  "  is  almost  inconsolable  over  his  loss,  as  the  woman  cost  him  $400 
when  she  was  new.  Her  remains  were  borne  to  the  silent  tomb  in  a  job- 
wagon  this  forenoon,  being  followed  to  the  grave  by  a  solitary  heathen, 
who,  when  asked  the  occasion  of  so  light-waisted  a  funeral,  replied : 

"  Chinawoman  takee  medicine,  heap  die,  no  Chinaman  go  funelal. 
Him  sick,  heap  die,  plenty  Chinaman  go  funelal." 


Yesterday  being  the  last  of  the  Chinese  New  Year,  the  heathen  gave 
a  grand  jubilistic  blow-out,  and  made  night  hideous  with  the  notes  of  the 
one-stringed  fiddle,  the  gong,  the  tom-tom,  the  Chinese  bag-pipes,  and  other 
ear-splitting  instruments  of  their  native  land.  At  midnight  the  entire 
population  of  Chinatown  united  in  singing  the  Chinese  national  hymn, 
which  sounded  like  the  expiring  howls  of  three  thousand  poisoned  dogs, 


238  THE  SAZERAC  LYING    CLUB. 

with  variations  by  several  hundred  feline  musicians.  The  music  and  the 
firing  of  bombs  and  crackers  was  kept  up  almost  until  daylight ;  and  many 
a  man  who  before  was  indifferent  to  the  Chinese  question,  arose  this  morn- 
ing from  his  restless  couch  and  expressed  a  determination  to  sign  a  peti- 
tion for  the  immediate  abrogation  of  the  Burlingame  treaty. 


The  Chinese  are  firm  believers  in  necromancy,  fortune-telling,  and 
kindred  arts.  The  visions  seen  while  under  the  influence  of  opium  are  by 
them  interpreted  into  meanings.  Several  Chinamen  in  this  city  make  a 
profession  of  fortune-telling.  Their  method  is  to  take  a  smoke  of  opium, 
from  the  effects  of  which  they  have  visions,  from  which  they  interpret 
whether  certain  sick  persons  will  die  or  get  well,  or  whether  certain  indi- 
viduals will  win  or  lose  in  gambling  games  in  which  they  propose  to  engage. 
They  have  a  small  ivory  figure  to  assist  them  in  the  interpretations,  which 
represents  a  certain  god  who  never  sleeps,  eats,  or  drinks,  and  never  dies. 
If  the  seer's  prognostications  are  verified,  he  is  a  smart  fellow  ;  if  not,  the 
blame  is  laid  on  the  god,  whom  they  charge  with  being  bewitched,  and  he 
is  thrown  away  and  a  new  ivory  god  purchased  in  his  stead. 


A  few  nights  ago,  a  Chinaman  was  coming  up  on  the  stage  from  Battle 
Mountain.  He  was  thinly  clad,  having  no  warmer  clothes  than  a  regula- 
tion Chinese  blouse  and  trowsers,  and  being  destitute  of  blankets.  The 
night  was  fearfully  cold,  and  the  Celestial  suffered  severely  ;  but  for  a  long 
time  he  bore  the  hardship  with  the  meekness  and  patience  so  characteristic 
of  his  race.  He  tried  to  sleep,  and  snuggled  down  on  the  floor  with  his 
head  under  one  seat  and  his  feet  under  the  other ;  but  the  pitching  and 
rolling  of  the  stage  over  the  cut-up  and  frozen  roads  bumped  him  unmerci- 
fully, until  at  last  even  his  Chinese  stolidity  gave  way,  and  he  rose  from 
his  uncomfortable  position  on  the  floor,  and  seating  himself  on  the  front 
seat,  said  to  the  other  passengers  : 

"  Hell  dam !     Thissee  lodgee  house  no  good." 


Even  the  Indians  have  their  grievances  against  the  Chinese.  Captain 
Thompson,  the  Piute  oracle,  came  into  the  REVEILLE  office  this  morning, 
and  inquired  if  it  was  the  intention  of  the  whites  to  drive  the  Chinamen 
out  of  town.  It  was  explained  to  him  that  the  white  people  desired  to 


INDIANS  AND  CHINESE.  239 

get  rid  of  the  Celestials,  but  by  peaceable  means.     This  did  not  seem  to 
suit  Thompson,  and  he  indignantly  exclaimed  : 

"  No  good !     Why  no  whita  man  heap  kill  dam  Chinaman  ?     China- 
man heap  all  same  bad." 

When  asked  in  what  particular  the  Asiatics  were  so  bad,  he  said  : 
"  Him  Chinaman  too  dam  schmart  (smart) — all  time  heap  cheat  'cm 
Injin  play  poker." 


The  21st  instant  is  the  Chinese  festival  of  something  or  other,  when 
they  decorate  the  graves  of  their  dead  with  roast  pigs,  cups  of  tea,  rice, 
confections,  slips  of  red  paper,  and  other  Chinese  edibles.  As  in  this 
country  a  license  tax  is  affixed  to  almost  everything,  John  got  it  into  his 
collective  head  that  he  would  be  required  to  take  out  a  license  to  feed  his 
dead,  and  a  delegation  of  him  waited  upon  the  City  Marshal  to  inquire 
"how  muchee  licee."  The  officer  gave  them  permission  to  hold  their  fes- 
tival without  money  and  without  price,  and  on  the  date  mentioned  the 
graves  will  be  decorated  in  accordance  with  Chinese  custom.  This  will 
offer  to  the  numerous  tramps  now  in  Austin  a  most  magnificent  opportunity 
for  a  moonlight  picnic — if  the  coyotes  don't  get  there  ahead  of  them. 


A  Chinese  merchant  came  into  the  REVEILLE  office  this  morning  to 
purchase  some  paper,  and  while  waiting  for  the  boy  to  bring  the  paper,  he 
asked  us  if  we  had  heard  of  the  "  big  Chinaman  fight  in  Virginny."  On  our 
replying  in  the  affirmative,  he  heaved  a  deep  sigh,  and  said : 

"  Him  Chinaman  allee  same  dam  fool ;  him  got  littlee  money ;  then 
him  fight,  and  give  allee  him  money  to  dam  lawyer  for  makee  talk  ;  then 
him  lawyer  he  too  muchee  talk,  and  Chinaman  him  bloke,  and  go  washee 
for  money  for  give  him  big-mouf  lawyer." 

This  particular  heathen  don't  seem  to  entertain  a  very  high  opinion 
of  the  legal  fraternity. 


A  delegation  of  the  Chinese  residents  waited  on  the  City  Marshal  to- 
day, and  preferred  a  request  that  he  lock  up  the  members  of  the  Sazerac 
Lying  Club  in  the  City  Jail  until  after  the  souls  of  the  dead  Chinamen  had 
had  a  chance  at  the  food  they  intended  to  pile  on  the  graves  of  those  de- 
parted Celestials  to-day.  The  Marshal  could  find  nothing  in  the  city  char- 
ter and  ordinances  authorizing  such  a  proceeding,  and  the  Chinamen  con- 
cluded to  stuff  the  pigs  and  chickens  with  nitro-glycerine  and  garlic. 


240 


THE  SAZEEAO  LYING    CLUB. 


Two  Chinamen  entered  the  telegraph  office  this  morning,  and  inquired 
the  cost  of  a  telegram  to  Hongkong  or  Nagasaki,  as  they  said  that  some 
cousins  of  theirs  were  passengers  on  the  ill-fated  steamer  Japan.  The 
operator  informed  them  that  the  cost  would  be  in  the  neighborhood  of  $100, 
when  one  of  them  exclaimed  : 

"  Me  no  send  'em ;  hundled  dollah  too  much  for  dead  Chinaman ! " 


pONTENTS, 


FRONTIER  SKETCHES, 

INDIANS  AND  CHINESE, 

LIFE  IN  A  MINING  TOWN, 

OLD  DAD, 

ORIGIN  OF  THE  SAZERAC  LYING  CLUB, 

STUB, 

SOME  LIES  AND  OTHERWISE, 

UNCLE  JOHN,      '  -  - 


PAGE. 

107 

207 

145 

20 

9 

27 

37 

IS 


16 


OF  THB 

UNIVERSITY 


THE  BEST  BOOKS 

FOR 

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